Church Service Yappers

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People and tourists who talk during church service

These chattering classes deserve to be poked and prodded in the fires of Hell by Greta Thunberg and Hillary Clinton-faced devils for eternity.

I arrive early for mass to enjoy the silence that is unique to a church. However, this peace is often shattered by some nattering old bag talking about her favourite telly programme or grandson´s latest “funny” remarks. The acoustics mean that their inane chatter echoes so moving pews doesn´t help. I´ve told people to shut up a couple of times although I´m not sure today´s namby-pamby priests would approve.

Other irritating interlopers are tourists in their baggy shorts and tee shirts, clutching plastic water bottles and wearing baseball caps, wandering around as if they were in a park, talking and taking selfies. The Chinese, who know sod all about Christianity, are the worse. Fuck off back to Wuhan and leave me and God in peace!

Nominated by: Mr Polly

50 thoughts on “Church Service Yappers”

  1. This church full of noisey chinks and chatting people,
    Sure it wasn’t Monsoon House takeaway youd mistakenly gone into?
    You should forgive them mr Polly thatd be the christian thing to do.
    Whys the priest allowing them in anyway?
    They dont use the hall afterwards for kung fu do they?

    • You velly lacist, Mislebaw Norzen Cunt! You bling dishonour to Chinese person. You lude.

      God cleated World in six day. One first day, he cleate right. He say, “Ret there be right!” On fourth day, he cleate right source, the sun.

      Oh shit. Bible make velly rarge mistake. This Bible a road of clap.

      • Afternoon Captain!
        So your saying,…..gods chinese?!!!😱😱😱😨😨😨
        No wonder its falling to pieces!
        Typical chinese shoddy workmanship.😀

    • The Chinese tourists heard about the last supper and that there was Dog inside, drew the wrong conclusion and showed up in droves for lunch.

  2. The Reverend Ivor Barebotty apologies for giggling during last Sunday’s service, then having a melt down – he puts it down to Mass hysteria.

    I’ll get my coat…..

  3. What happened to modesty in church? I am old enough to remember women in below the knee skirts, matching jacket. veiled.
    I was behind what looked like Catwoman the other week. Skin tight suit, two inch painted nails, huge hair do. The boyfriend occasionnally feeling her arse.

    • Wasnt the bishop of Bath & Wells was it Miles?
      Afterall its ‘modern times’ now.
      The priest where I grew up is a fish supper nowadays, butch as they come.
      The old priest lives with a girl young enough to be his daughter maybe grandaughter, and they go heavy metal gigs.

      • Im not a christian but when I speak to a vicar I want him to conform to type!
        Judgemental
        Goofy teeth
        Fond of tea an cake
        Opposed to evil.
        Not asking much considering the job description.
        What I dont want is a lezza with a morrissey hairdo
        A live an let live attitude to sexual deviancy
        Asking me if ive heard the new Metallica album.
        Its a well paid job indoors, big house gratis,
        No manual labour.
        They need to try harder.

      • Funny Miserable you often see Heavy Metal Freaks. Like the Devil in church! The skeletal rock monster on his T-shirt….like the devil.

        Yeah the ‘Trendy Priest’ syndrome. I remember talking to one. He had done his training in Valladolid. A big seminary. Anyway to avoid talking spiritual ‘shop’ as it were I asked him about life in Spain. He said he liked the ‘colour’ and the ‘vibrancy’ of Spanish football. In my intellectual way it reminded me of Dali. So I mention him. He replied-‘Yes, the Spanish are a very artistic people’. Me (struggling) ‘oh yes?’. ‘You can tell that by the way they dress’, ‘Oh yes?’ We started to talk about fashion. We even got on to the catwalk. Truly a trendy priest I thought after.

      • Miles, I got talking to a vicar at a Hawkwind gig,
        Dead nice bloke,
        Hes the chaplain for a christian motorcycle club.
        I liked him.
        But call me old fashioned I want a vicar to act and look like a vicar!
        Fit the stereotype.
        I want a vicar like the one in Dads Army.

      • Thats a vicar eh mr Boggs?
        Know where you stand with him dont you?
        Try and tap you up for a few quid for the church roof fund, but harmless!
        I dont want to or expect to bump into him at a Motorhead gig.
        Ps
        Your mate Keir Starmer has a rebellion on his hands led by a certain Jeremy!

      • The actor for who played the Vicar was high up in the CofE .Miserable

        Mr Yeatman was great

        You know Father Ted did start out as ‘Father Trendy’. He used to do a spot on the Gay Byrne show. And it proved popular.

        There was great ecclesiastical humour in Dad’s Army. Also in All Gas and Gaiters, Father Dear Father.

        What have we got now? The Vicar of fucking Dibley.

      • In my young youth they called them rock’n roll vicars. Trendy in the most embarrassing way.
        As a Catholic the priests and nuns set on me were all borderline sadists.

      • Thank God there are still some “borderline sadists” around, i.e. real priests who are as tough as the Scottish and Irish priests of my childhood. Last year in Cape Town I heard a priest talk proudly of how he had previously been an officer in the South African army and had fought in Angola against what he described as “the war against the Soviet Union, East Germany, Cuba and the PMLA”. I just hope the current wishy washy Pope doesn´t find out or the priest will be out on his neck.

  4. What would Jesus say?
    Eh?
    Cast not the first stone or something, as I remember from what was an oppressively religious (in theory) upbringing.

    The reason I am not a Christian is that putting up with cunts is supposed to be part of the deal. Otherwise, render unto yappy old bag a half brick.

  5. “Let us not forget the story of Noah…”
    …rhubarb rhubarb…
    “…and the Lord looked down on the Earth and was disappointed…”
    …rhubarb rhubarb…
    “…so he decided to create a flood…”
    …rhubarb rhubarb…
    “…for God so loved the World that he decided to drown everyone…”
    …rhubarb rhubarb…
    “…and God so loved the World he decided to create an eternal pit of fire to torture people who didn’t worship and adore him…”
    …rhubarb rhubarb…
    “…and God so loved the World he allowed war, disease, hunger, destruction, poverty, filth, torture…”

    …rhubarb…He must be working in mysterious ways again….rhubarb rhubarb…

      • It comes from West Yorkshire MNC. Nothing any good comes from there.

        Puts on tin hat.

      • No, like rhubarb!
        My mum grows it, tasty!
        Leaves are toxic though I believe?
        CC@
        West Yorkshire?
        I dont understand?

      • Fuck me the rhubarb triangle is due north east of Stockport. Over t ‘Pennines. Around Wakey.

      • Rhubarb triangle?
        Wasnt that a prog rock band?
        Did that live album from strangeways prison?
        Rhubarb triangle
        In custody…

      • CC@
        Fuck me, I thought you were joking! Its real!
        Googled it.
        Heehee
        The rhubarb triangle, well you live & learn..

      • Just outside Wakefield CC – about 30 miles away from me – it’s known locally as “the rhubarb triangle”!

    • here’s a poke at you
      you’r gonna choke on it too
      you’r gonna lose that smile
      because all the while

      I can see for fucking miles.

  7. My old mans a Catholic (Im lapsed im afraid) . Hes 90 and doesnt take much notice about whos in his vicinity. Anyway there is a part of the service where you shake hands for peace with those next and behind you. He turned round and had to shake Tony fucking Blairs hand. He told me he felt rather dirty.

    • I would have smiled politely and squeezed until the bones snapped (I have very strong hands).

      • I have heard of these places.
        Never felt the need to enter one, not my kind of place.
        But noisy fkers at church?
        “Get off that roof”! Come back with that lead”! Put those ornaments back”!
        Some vicars are just mean! 😢

  9. Even though I attend the church in my street it is the modern type complete with tight-panted clerics and guitar services. Up until recent economising there was one Chinese pastor on the ministry team. I suppose he represented the diverse congregation. Before the virus I used to help set up, serve and clean up at the monthly parish suppers. These cost a fiver per head but apparently nobody cares whether this is paid or not. I live in a posh neighbourhood and members of the church are mostly in the professional classes. I noticed it was solicitors, doctors and the like who stiffed the payment while the few battlers were counting out their coins to contribute. I recently responded to a question and answer email from the senior minister regarding disbursement of donations. I mentioned that I don’t think the church should be sending money to bloody Africa. Anyway, there’s a lot of social climbing cunts at my church.

  10. C of E : a middle class social club that does nothing to prove the existence of a divine force, only proves the existence of hypocrisy in society.
    Catholic Church: as above, more hypocrisy and added kiddie fiddling.
    Fuck off.
    💩💩💩

  12. Well, fafpig and Cunfinder General, as I always say: never trust a Christian who believes in God.

    • The bit I remember most from school was Jesus tipping over the tables of the moneylenders!
      I was more impressed by that than the miracle bits.
      Nowt wrong with going church, each to their own, if I was christian id go!!
      And id call for another crusade too!!

    • Croc-if it makes you happy, then I am very pleased for your faith.

      I have seen families and lives destroyed by evil clergy who prey on the young and vulnerable, including resulting suicides.

  13. That’s not a church service in the photo. It’s a wife swapping party.
    The two women shaking hands look as though they’ve got the hots for each other. Instead of coins on the collection plate, it’s now common to have car keys.

    • You seem to know a lot about wife swapping Bertie, have you ever been tempted to trade in Mrs B for an evening?

      • Not really LL. I’m surviving on my fantasies!
        Over the course of my life my sexual fantasies have been getting more and more perverse.

        It wasn’t till I spanked a statue that I realised I had hit rock bottom. Fuckin’ hell, who writes these things?
        😀

      • Evening Bertie!
        Know youd never swap your welsh rarebit.
        Worship the ground she walks on!
        And that is the same in the Miserable house!
        Loyalty & Family trumps all.👍👍

      • We are indeed very fortunate Miz. My brother married twice with no success. We are kindred souls!
        🤮

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