I propose a hit-and-run cunting for stupid car names. A bit ‘niche’ perhaps, and not a burning subject of our times, but for some reason they just piss me off. Plus I need a break from having a go at Remoaners and various other anti-social cunts.

Back in maaaah day, us motors ‘ad proper, no nonsense names like the Datsun ‘Boring’ or the Fiat ‘Ruster’. Even now, there are plenty of makes about whose names generate a sense of empathy and identity with the model, such as ‘Golf’, ‘Civic’ and ‘Ibiza’. Yet as time has passed, manufacturers have been unable to resist the lure of giving stupid, wanky names to their cars in an attempt to make them seem more individualistic. The marketing suits have taken over, and image is king.

As I’ve observed this phenomenon over time, I detect the development of two distinct trends for those vehicles aimed at the mass market. What do you do if you’re punting a tiny, nought to sixty in fifteen minutes box on wheels? You can hardly hope to sprinkle it with Bondesque allure, so you go for the quirky, trendy, cute angle. Hence the Chevrolet ‘Sparkle’, the Daihatsu ‘Naked’ or the Mitsubishi ‘Winky’; and let’s not forget the latter’s ill-fated ‘Lettuce’. Then if you want to conjure up a grittier, more dashing image for your bog standard saloon, you try to add a bit of edge by sticking another word onto the name, such as the ‘Dart Swinger’, the ‘Cavalier Commander’, or the ‘Fiesta Flame’. For an extra touch of sophistication, put in a letter ‘q’ without a ‘u’ somewhere, as in ‘Qashqai’ and ‘Ioniq’. Developing this theme of the meaningless but esoteric, you can come up with names like ‘Captur’ and ‘Kadjar’. Wow I’m overwhelmed. Got to get me one of them Kadjars. Renault’s an iconic marque if ever there was one.

Then to anyone who really wants to add yet more ‘devil may care’ to their image, I’d say, why not throw caution to the wind and bolt a caravan onto the back of your Satsuma ‘ShitZsu’? There are some really sexy beasts out there, such as the ‘Meteor’, the ‘Conqueror’, and my own personal favourite, the ‘Marauder’.

Ironically, I’d bet that car manufacturers pay a king’s ransom to marketing twats, only for them to come up with ludicrously naff names. I can offer a couple here and now off the top of my head. How about the Audi ‘Rsoul’ for example, or the Mercedes ‘Wankar’? You can have those on the house boys. Sorry BMW, but I’ve already trademarked the ‘Kuntr’, but I’m sure that we could come up with a mutually acceptable financial agreement.

Contact me through IsAC. I’ll be waiting for your call.

Nominated by Ron Knee