The Common Cold

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Let me introduce you to Bleary Eyes, who lives on Watership Down and may or may not be a rabbit, it’s hard to tell. Head twice the right size, eyes bulging and sightless, coat motheaten, can barely hop. Slime oozing from every orifice, and not long for this world, Bleary Eyes, who has myxomatosis, is a dead ringer for the Common Cold patient, and specifically for me last night as my nose couldn’t work out whether to pour litres of mucus on the sheets or down my throat, the latter producing sensations of strangulation which made sleep an unattainable fantasy.

Feeble coughing, necessitated by having a ball of barbed wire in my lung and not wanting to disturb it, merely brings a mass of partially-set gluey snot to larynx level from which it snaps back into the killing zone, or very occasionally fires it clean into the fan heater. Even Kleenex Person-size only absorbs a quarter of what emerges should you further inflame your nose by blowing it once. Fuck, here goes with the dishcloth.

No position is comfortable for the CC victim. Whose own nose-snorkelling noises like an old man drowning (too close to the truth, that, but it will serve) and coughing like a struggling sheep attacked with CS gas, combine with the awareness that the symptoms are getting worse and you may not make it to A&E before double pneumonia sets in.

It’s not bloody funny. No it isn’t. Shut up. It’s a cunt, that’s what it is.

Nominated by Komodo

12 thoughts on “The Common Cold”

  1. It’s the Cunts who decide to share it with everyone else who fuck me off. I very rarely catch a cold, a healthy lifestyle and lack of self-indulgence see to that, but I hate seeing some Cunt in a shop or pub snivelling and sniffing. They get no sympathy from me, just told to Man up or Fuck Off.

  2. Oh you poor love… 😷

    Three soluble co-codamol every 4 hours and a hot toddy* at bedtime usually does it for me.

    🙂

    * that’s a drink, you dirty fuckers.

  3. I’ve got a bit of a cold would have been adequate.

    Flu us a different animal altogether, a good dose can really fuck you up!

  4. EH? Common cold
    I stubbed my toe last night I might stick that in the nominations!! It’s throbbing like fuck……. 😂😡😡

  5. I am truly overwhelmed by the sympathy so generously extended to me by my fellow cunters. It is just possible that in one or two cases…ok, four so far… it may not be unalloyed with snark, but mine is a trusting nature, and I hesitate to make any accusations.. It is, though, the extreme triviality of this disease which renders it, exactly like, shall we say, Adele*, eminently cuntable. Like Adele, it is extremely unpleasant without being fatal. Unlike Adele, it is pretty well certain to impact everyone directly, too.
    Had you been nicer, I would have published an infallible cure for the most distressing symptoms, but I think I’ll keep it to myself for now.

    I rest my cunting.

    *Or Strictly Come Dancing,

  7. Komodo;
    I’m with you all the way on this one mate. As an asthma sufferer, I dread to catch a cold because it aggravates the asthma and reduces me to a wheezing, honking wreck for weeks. You won’t die from catching a cold, but in my case, it feels as though I might. Anyway, personal circumstances aside, colds are cunts, period.

  8. Yep, the common cold is a cunt of mammoth proportions.

    I recently had one and my snot production was something akin to Niagara fucking falls. I had to buy up the entire stock of Poundland tissues, mind you the scrimping cunts only had three boxes on their shelves thanks to all the chav locusts (myself included) that frequent the bastard, but that’s beside the point.

    My top tip is two teaspoons of honey, a generous helping of bottled lemon juice and add boiling water. Works a treat.

    You don’t drink it. You pour it on your head to shock you into unconsciousness so you don’t have to suffer the cunt snotfest for a good few days.

    Then when you come round, you’ll be better. Sorted! (Albeit bald and with third degree burns)

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