Dark Nights

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I was out recently with a few friends, and happened to remark, somewhat despondently, that Dark Nights would soon be upon us. Winter draws on indeed.

“Ooooh” said Lynda (not her real name) “I love the dark nights. I like to get in, draw the curtains, have my tea, put the fire on and snuggle in to watch ‘Corrie’ “. Now I love the girl, but at times she’s a proper dopey cow.

Yes, just think of the joys that the onset of winter brings us. Everyone forced to dress up like Eskimos. A procession of grey, dank, dreary days. Driving rain, freezing fog, sleet, and winds that cut to the bone. Beasts from the East. Floods, snow on the line, frozen pipes, planes that can’t fly, cars that won’t start and treacherous black ice on roads and pavements. Coughs, colds, flu and bronchitis, and an NHS struggling to cope. And of course those dark, dark nights. It’s a veritable cornucophia of delights to look forward to.
“Settle in to watch ‘Corrie’ ” my arse. At this time of year I often wish that I was a hedgehog, so that I could roll into a ball and hibernate for six months.

Dark nights are a total cunt, and I reckon that anybody who thinks otherwise needs their fucking head tested.

Nominated by Ron Knee

45 thoughts on “Dark Nights”

    • Don’t worry, Ron.
      It’ll all be over by…July !
      I’m in Cardiff, so not only cold and dark, but generally rather wet to boot. It’s the only place I’ve lived in that has horizontal rain, I swear.

    • My doc says sun worshipping cunts are the crazy ones. Check Australia and their skin cancer rates.

  2. Yeah, some people like winter but not this cunt. However, I console myself with the thought that however much I hate it the Camel drivers have it ten times worse. They’re don’t have our winters in the fly blown, stinking, boiling hot cuntholes they come from.
    When I come to power I intend to do them a favour and assist them to return. Either that or they can live in the fucking sewers. A free pair of sunglasses for everyone, you can’t be fairer than that.

    • You’ve got my vote FTF…….
      I love seeing how miserable those Cunts look when the weathers bad!!

      • It reminds me of the real reason they are over here – the weather, nothing to do with hand outs, benefits or free health care, no no, they love the weather 😉

    • Cant say I am mithered either way Freddie,
      I have a sprog who works for PWC and lives just outside of Tallahassee and another who lives in Chamonix. Father is always welcome although I don’t take too many liberties.
      What pricked my lugs up appealing to my senses was blambos and not much liking the cold. I am trying to pave the way by canvassing my local MP to send all peacefuls /blambos/any hue really who commit crimes and hide behind the fact they gave British Passports and cant be made stateless according to the gobby lardy arsed cunt Subrey, Thornycunt and of course she who wont quit her jibber jabber Dianasaurus Flabbopotamus.
      I have mentioned before that lump of rock down the South Atlantic South Georgia. Stacks of room – shelter available vacated by the Whalers of the World who descended on the (rather large) island when capturing, mutilating and flogging some of the most majestic and wonderful creatures on Earth. Still a plethora of available grub as long as you can be imaginative with fish. All equality boxes ticked and to make the blambo offender feel more at home – on conviction, your parents, Grandparents, siblings and your wife(s) will accompany you on the converted car ferries used to transport you to your new home. Still a UK protectorate and your passport is still valid. Did I mention no return to mainland UK? As the towel heads past 40 don’t seem to be doing any meaningful work of any description it shouldn’t be difficult for them to adapt. Originally I thought of the Pitcairn Islands – Fletchers kids loved rolling their own and they would fit right on in, alas, too small. The others are far too civilised for Mo and his adherents. Yes, South Georgia sounds most agreeable.

  3. Sorry Ron old pip, but give me mild temperatures over hot ones. Dark nights are a bit of a pisser but light until after ten in June is equally bonkers.

    What is sad is that it’s almost the end of the pear-poaching for the year. They’re becoming a bit soft now. I reckon one more week of raids.

  4. Congratulations Ron – that’s Brexit in a nutshell!

    “Everyone forced to dress up like Eskimos. A procession of grey, dank, dreary days. Driving rain, freezing fog, sleet, and winds that cut to the bone. Beasts from the East. Floods, snow on the line, frozen pipes, planes that can’t fly, cars that won’t start and treacherous black ice on roads and pavements. Coughs, colds, flu and bronchitis, and an NHS struggling to cope. And of course those dark, dark nights. It’s a veritable cornucophia of delights to look forward to.”

    Though what Brexit has got to do with dark nights I’ll never know.

    Why not simply Cunt EXISTENCE Ron and be done with it?

    😂 🤣 🙂

  5. Appreciate the sentiment but not a cunting I can get behind. Always loved when it gets dark early and today is one my favourite days of the year .

  6. A great cunting Ron. I dread and loathe the clocks going back. Fair play to Harold Wilson, for 3 years at the end of the sixties they tried for three years without putting the clocks back, but wnen that old EU lover Heath, the great slimy cunt got in he heeded the jocks who pleaded that kids were getting knocked down on the way to and from school and it wasn’t fair and all that proto Sturgeon special pleading and we were back to putting the fucking clocks back from 1971 to today, literally.

    Physically changing clocks in the 21st century is true cuntitude.

    As for TV it means that with dark nights and knackered lighting in my shed, I have to endure Mrs. Boggs love of Emmerdale Farm (where girls turn into boys and straight (or as straight as actors can be) boys go gay for pay, and there is a murder or a wrong side of the blanket baby every week. Coronation Street isn’t quite so bad except for a camp vicar and his boyfriend and a woman whose face looks like a slapped arse, and a bloke gurning. Yeah perhaps it is as bad. At least she went off Eastenders so I don’t have to endure that fucking shit now with effete actors pretending to be hard men and real geezers innit.

    • Agree WCB – clocks going back and forth by Government diktat is a MASSIVE cunt. Have always had a soft spot for Harold Wilson – he also told the Yanks to sling their hook when they tried to get us embroiled in Vietnam. Could do with some of that spirit today!

      Of course, the pipe was just a prop… he smoked cigars in private.

  7. The worst dark nights are the ones where you just see a pair of eyes and a set of teeth coming at you….
    ….oh not this again….

  8. I’ve lived in places that had long days and short nights and places that had short days and long nights. But nights, long or short, have always been dark except for those three months when the interrogators left a bright light on in my windowless cell. See you in the waiting room tomorrow Civvydog.

  9. That reminds me, I should be receiving my winter fuel allowance shortly, then I can stock up on booze.

  10. It’s the lack of sunlight that fucks me off, when you get 2 weeks non stop overcast grey dimness. If it were sunny but cold, snowy, fuck it -10, I’d be happier than Abbopotamus with a family KFC bucket.

    Apparently not seeing sunlight and getting down is a disorder (SAD) and not just a natural response to cunting dreary maritime weather whilst bathing indoors under fake lights.

  11. I fucking hate it Ron. It’s a huge massive black woman’s hairy cunt of a time of year. Some people are turned on by it. Not this cunt. You’ve got the fucking dead and mini cuntsvon Halloween, then the average dead cunts on all saints day , then the glorious dead on Armistice Day (which I’ll observe). It’s just one long black and dead thingy. Last winter I nearly got thinned out by the grim reaper. He can sod off this year. I’ll be avoiding mixing with crowds, hibernating in bed a lot and staying out of the way of sick cunts in general. The problem is me kids bring the fucker home from school. It went man flu, sickness bug, aspirational pneumonia (not something I’d hoped for cunts), pneumonia, sepsis. I’m still fucked over six months later. Then it’s the Shitfest-Cunfest in December. The worst thing about living near to a load of blambos is fucking Diwali. I’m glad I don’t live in Leicester anymore. It was like a war zone for a fortnight, pall of dark gray smoke hanging in the sky for nights on end. Bonfire night followed by w-g fire night. If you’re into it, enjoy. I think it’s black hole sized CUNT!

  12. The griefmonkeys are out in force in Leicester… All this gushing over someone who like so many other foreign owners saw Leicester as a rich man’s plaything… Of course, history will be re-written and the now deceased owner will be credited with winning the Foxes the 2016 Premier League title…. Of course it’s a terrible tragedy, but all these knobhead griefjackers acting like they’re granddad and their best mate have both died…. And the social media grandstanding from the likes of Lineker and co is going to be unbearable… I wonder what Claudio Ranieri thinks of all this shit?…

      • Agreed: those “self-pity city” cunts would be all over social media blubbing and whining and demanding a judicial review blaming the police in some tenuous way.

        You’d never hear the fucking end of it: black arm bands, a minute’s silence every other day, and a regular crescendo of “YNWA” in between robbing a few houses and stabbing a few Mancs.

    • He was kind, courteous, generous, humble and well liked Norm. Had his PR down to a T. Nobody really knew him though. He allegedly bought Leicester because his son picked Leicester as the team he would support when watching the League Cup Final on telly years ago. Leicester people won’t milk it like the Scouse cunts banging on about Hillsborough and neglecting Heysel. Fuckin hell, Man U had plenty of weeping time over Munich, but truth is nobody wants it. Bradford didn’t, Rangers didn’t, Bolton didn’t, the list goes on. It’s the social media grief jacking age now though. I’m sad but I have to thank him. He made a Leicester lad like me very fucking happy, but not entirely on his own. Like you I’m waiting to hear from Ranieri. Now there’s a top bloke. Grief jacking is a cunt. Lineker is still a cunt. Unlike Lineker the grief will go quiet.

      • Fair enough Alan… One gets so cynical with the Glazers, Abramovichs and Sheik Mansours of this world… If the bloke did love Leicester then a bit of humble pie is in order… I also agree about the griefjacking where the crash is concerned… Pay quiet respects in February, that’s what I do… But I saw a cunt on Stretford Bridge: a grown man in his 40s with a modern United shirt on with ‘Babes’ and the number 58 on the back… I wouldn’t waste my time but I hope somebody decked the cunt… George Best said that Munich wasn’t even mentioned in his time, only after the European triumph of 68 was it addressed, and then it was respectful and tasteful… Now it’s just part of the ‘brand’ and the Glazer franchise…. What I don’t get is any football fan crying like a family member or friend has gone… I was sad when Best and Busby died, but it wan’t like when I lost my brother or my parents… But griefjackers will hijack this man’s demise and I’ve no doubt Lineker will be at the front of the queue…

      • Too fucking right Norm. Lineker’s a loathsome shite. I’ll go down Filbo, as we used to call it, on me own when it’s all over and thank him, but he won’t be there. They’ll put a statue up of course. The mayor, Sir Peter fucking Soulsby will be lining his pockets for interviews and photo opps in the coming days. The cunt’s not even from Leicester. Have a read of Kaspar Schmeichel’s open letter to the Chairman. Brings a lump to me froat.

  13. Nice cunting, Ron. Putting the clocks back is supposed to make it safer for the commute to work. It is safer – for about 2 weeks! Then it’s dark on the way to work and on the way back. So what’s the point of moving the clocks about?

    • Never understood why, if it’s such a problem for the brats, they didn’t shift the school opening hours and leave the rest of us in peace.

  14. Norman. If you’re around. Massive Kinks fan myself. My username comes from Waugh but I had in mind also ‘Plastic Man’. My one solace in life getting soaked to The Kinks. Love ‘Dead End Street’, Superman’. I had the chance to go see them when they came to my home town(when they’d lost all popularity) but didn’t go. Wasn’t as into them then. You ever see them? Having said all that I will say that Ray is a cunt. A cunt because of the way he treated Dave. Amounting to abuse. What do you think the problem was? His ego of course. Maybe Dave was a favoured child. When they to America they put Dave at the front because he was better looking. I bet that wrankled. Your thoughts?

    • Dave used to live near me in Bury for a while…. I heard that both brothers were spoiled by their many sisters… Dave once said about Ray, ‘Of course I love him… But I won’t tell him that… He’s big headed enough as it is’…. The relationship between Dave and Mick Avory was never great either… I know Dave loathed Ray’s second wife, Chrissie Hynde (can’t blame him for that) and they’ve been feuding on and off for years now… Maybe there is a resentment about archetypal sixties swinger Dave from Ray… Like Jagger and Richards were the songwriters, but they still resent Brian Jones for being the best looking and founding the Stones… It’s also well known that the other Beatles hated Pete Best because he pulled all the best birds and the Hamburg strippers…. I’m just glad they’re coming back and that Mick is back on the drums… Sad that Pete can’t be there (RIP), but I hope we get a true Kinks album and a tour… What with Village Green, Ogden’s Nut Gone Flake and Electric Ladyland all out this month I’m gonna be skint….

      • Yeah but they didn’t need a good looking shit drummer. They needed an ugly great one. The way they dumped Best was cuntish. Lennon was a gobby coward. Loaded the bullets then passed the gun to Epstein. And Yoko Ono is still a cunt.
        What wears National Health Specs and comes in a yellow bag? John Lennon.
        Why is Yoko Ono likdtan Ethiopian? Because they both live off dead Beatles.

      • It was actually George Harrison and Thumbs Aloft McCuntney that set the wheels in motion for Best’s sacking… Lennon was a cunt, but he wasn’t the prime mover in Best’s demise… Lennon also did admit that the band were cowards for getting Eppy to do their dirty work for them when Pete was sacked…. The Stones were no better…. Andrew Cunt Oldham decided to sack Stu, so Mick and Keef – who both claim to love Stu so much – bottled it and Brian Jones had to tell Stu he was no longer part of the band… Of course the Glimmer Cunts now give it the ‘It was Brian what sacked him!’ noise and use it as yet another piece of ammo to fire at their dead ex- bandmate and founder… Cunts…

        Still working on my Yoko Fucking Ono cunting… Will be here soon….

      • An ugly drummer they got, but what a jammy cunt Starkey has been… Joining the Fabs gravy train is lucky in itself… But how did the fuck did he pull Barbara Bach?!!… Is Ringo related to Spawny Get from Viz?….

      • That’s what pissed the (ex) Stone Roses off… They had a good looking and great drummer… Birds were round Reni in the early days like files round shit… One band member was known to refer to him as ‘Tom Jones’ because, in the 80s, birds would throw bras at his drum kit…

      • Can’t wait Norm. A shitbeast of the highest magnitude. Lennon was a fucking pervert. I’d rather bone Cynthia’s corpse.

  15. He should have allowed Dave to do more writing and especially to sing more. I think the oeuvre lacks ballady songs that maybe Dave could have written and performed.

    • Well they were so fucking great they had to have Jimmy Page on sessions. Always thought Ray Davies was a cunt and they were a bit over rated. Shel Talmy did a great job. Dave and Mick Avory were like Glenn Frey and Don Felder, about out to kill each othe on stage. Now The Who…..

      • Loved the Kinks, but Small Faces were my favourites… Also liked Faces, but Stewart post mid 70s has done nothing but shite…. Atlantic Crossing was his last hurrah….

  16. I hate this time of year for precisely the reasons posted on this thread: dark, cold, miserable, unsafe etc etc.

    also means more electric and gas use, which means bigger bills from those already greedy utility cunts like Npower and British Ass.

    Driving in the dark is another hazard because you have those SUV cunts with full beam halogen headlights shining directly in your face or in your rear-viewer mirror, temporarily blinding you – not helped by rain or condensation on your windows.

    Then of course you have those cunt cyclists dressed in black: no lights, no high-viz, nothing. So you can’t see the cunts until you hit them, and then they have the temerity to blame you for not taking enough care and attention.

    And because of the cold weather all the hot women are well and truly covered up – no Lycra shorts, no braless tops, no shapely long bare legs, and not a camel toe in sight – they’re all covered up for 6 months in temporary hibernation from pervy old cunts like me.

    Hurry up March, ffs!

  17. The worst thing for me is traveling to and from work in darkness.

    If going to work in the first place wasn’t bad enough.

  18. Well I most be a cunt then because I like dark nights. There’s something I find rather cosy about them.

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