I’ve long been fascinated by the weird and wonderful vagaries that we humans can display when it comes to sexual activity and the pursuit of bodily pleasure. It’s led me to put the occasional posting on here under the heading ‘Bizarre Sex’.
Long time cunters may possibly recall the case of the Aussie couple who were found guilty in court for indulging in acts of bestiality with erm, a trout. Then there was the cunt from oop north who was done for trapping a seagull and then shoving his dick down its throat in a grotesque attempt at oral satisfaction. Or how about the ‘gentleman’ of a certain persuasion jailed for fucking his chickens, and the French ancient who was taken to hospital with an unexploded WWI shell stuck up his ringpiece?
Here’s another good ‘Bizarre Sex’ entry, from Russia this time. A young woman went to hospital complaining vaguely of anal pain and spasms. The onset of some rare and nasty disease, perhaps? Well no, not exactly; the cause, in fact, was easily found and remedied, it being a fucking monster of a cucumber which her boyfriend explained had got stuck up her jacksy during a bout of ‘extreme lovemaking’. As these things do. It could happen to anybody.
The one part of this mystery which remained unexplained to the doctors was why the end of the cucumber had been eaten, the couple having subsequently quit the hospital fast without providing any enlightenment on the matter. Let’s think now; how and why might this possibly have happened…?
Personally I remain puzzled as to what drives people to such extremes when it comes to pushing objects up their arses. A nice chunky butt plug I can definitely relate to, as this can really increase gratification. But huge things which could inflict some severe damage on the organ in question, and then prove very difficult to remove if stuck, are another kettle of fish altogether, and legends abound of anything from vacuum cleaner attachments to gerbils having been utilsed at one time or another. I even once heard of a supposed porn video where some slaphead oiled his head and shoved it up his girlfriends arse, but I reckon that this is probably an urban legend (unless cunters know differently).
But back to the monster cucumber. Talk about reckless stupidity;
Jesus H, the staff in A and E departments everywhere must see some real eye-openers during the course of the working week, the daft twats involved here being a case in point. It really does take all sorts, as the old saying goes, especially when a bit of bum fun’s being hankered after.
Nominated by Ron Knee
ISAC solicitors would like to clarify this nomination is definitely not about Richard Gere.
Thank you.
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Here’s an article written by the Health Secretary..
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rectal_foreign_body
Or it could just be the resignation letter of the former British Ambassador to the United States.
Hard to say in Modern Britain.
Good grief.
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Speaking of Mandy, here’s a report about her favourite butt plug:
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/09/14/giant-pumpkin-weighs-three-baby-elephants-surrey/
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Doctor to blame for telling patient to go on cucumber diet.
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Ahem, I’ll just keep shtum, I think…
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I don’t think we’ll bite you head off, Hugh.
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She’s given birth to it and its being named after you, Hugh.
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I’ll give yiz a punchline. Generate your own lead-up to it.
… and so the cowardly assassin’s ladyboy girlfriend(!) says to the s.p.c.a. inspector ‘if I’m not allowed stick a cat up there, how am I supposed to get the the gerbils out?’
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If only I wasn’t at work, I have a piquant appetency toward this sort of flagitious yarn and could easily devote a good half-hour to this work of concupiscent nonsense.
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Blimey, I thought Leonard Sachs died years ago.
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Ha!
TtCE (in the green top) bumps into another cunterer, while out for a quiet pint with one of his work chums .
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UH7Aix_SSN8&pp=ygUfTWFuc3Ryb2tld29tYW4geW9iIGludGVsbGVjdHVhbA%3D%3D
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Indeed, Cuntemall…having to engage with lugubrious nincompoops on a daily basis and not being able to assail them with pernicious obloquys is a source of constant vexation.
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This is not what it looks like. The smiling lady is simply happy because the other lady accidentally swallowed her bracelet and, eight hours later, it was retrievable:
https://share.google/gei4KZpmiT74w8Oyk
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I like to call it ‘Fist Aid.’
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Tickling the tonsils.
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By the look of that cucumber, I’d suggest that they are the gnaw marks from a rodent involved somewhere in this bizarre act. That won’t be the first time that has happened either.
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The old ladies ward at the same hospital have been complaining about the late arrival of their cucumber sandwiches. They’ve been told they’re on the way after arseholed up.
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Sickos.🥒🥒🥒
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Never mind, EW.
Here’s a gastrodelightful pic of a lady enjoying a delicious-looking strawberry jelly to put a smile on your face.
https://share.google/mBQMUycQbttg2VEPt
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Now that the raddled old quare Mandy is out of public life, he will be continuing his little side hustle – advertising his collection of Blair’s used undercrackers – he has them all catalogued – Peachy pink posing pouch with slight stain on front panel £50 (postage and packing £10). Silk chemiknickers (white) with large brown stain on back panel £75 (postage and packing £15) – all items sent in a plain sealed envelope. It helps pay for the rent boys who perform acts of appalling depravity in the vicinity of his reamed old arsehole – God alone what has been up the Mandy anus in it’s 50 years of abuse. He advertises each month in the Butt Plug Enquirer. His final fate will probably be to be found dead, chained up to the lavatory with an enormous bicycle pump inserted into his back passage with an orange in his mouth and a metal pole in his urethra. A lightning bolt struck him, and they will never get the coffin lid down.
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Oh no, what have you unleashed Ron 😂
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First carefully peel 3/4 of the length of a cucumber leaving enough unpeeled at one end as something to grip on to. Then place cucumber in a microwave for around 30 seconds.
This not only makes the cucumber floppy and flexible, but also nice and warm.
Just a tip for you fellow cunters.
I still have nice thoughts over that ex girlfriend from over 20 years ago even today.
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