Being Benched

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The 30th of September!

Hold the front page and save the date for this exciting event!

The Scarborough News.

Enormous link, and not so much a cunting but a clowning.

Fuck me, how exciting, an event to celebrate a train station bench!
Really? That’s the best Scarborough can do?

All, if you’re unable to travel to Scarborough to take part in this matchless event ( those with dicky tickers should not attend), I will record a candle burning from start to collapse in a puddle of melted wax.

Available free, on request, no need to thank me.

Dear Heaven, let me off this roundabout.

Nominated by : Jeezum Priest

67 thoughts on “Being Benched”

    • I’m sure many a homeless brit wouldn’t mind being “dumped” there. I had the misfortune to wander into some facebook spat about immos the other day. What is wrong with the mentals who support letting fucking afghans in? If that’s the state of the general population, we are well and truly fucked.

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      • Now this bed space has been highlighted, anti homeless measures will be implemented to the magnificent bench at great expense.

  2. It’s not just a bench though, is it?

    Think of the mighty trees that were felled for its construction.
    How many centuries did they stand tall and proud and how much history did they witness.

    Think of the ironworkers who sweated and toiled, bare chested, dirty and hot, to make the armrests.
    Seven days a week to earn enough to feed their families.

    The constructors who had to assemble the bench with no help from a detailed plan and without being able to look up any references on our new fangled ‘YouTube’.

    The tireless painters dressed in their overalls, splattered in blue paint.

    The auxiliary team who had to write dozens of warning messages on A4 paper and display them in prominent positions.
    ‘Caution Wet Paint’.

    And the thousands of arses that have sat on the bench.
    Some owned by fit young ladies…. Probably.
    Waiting in expectation for their journeys to begin or perhaps anticipating the arrival of their sweethearts.

    It’s not just a bench.

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    • I’m wondering if you can still smell the undercarriages of the fit young ladies who have sat there.
      So I’ve just bought a day return to Scarborough.

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      • You’ve just given me an idea, Geordie, by having myself lay horizontal underneath a bench for ladies only. Camouflaged obviously and sniff away to my hearts content.

      • A photographer.
        Have your photo taken on it holding a small monkey wearing a cardigan.

        Like people used to do.
        Monkeys love knitwear.

      • “Plans have been drawn up by the council to make the mascot a naked man with downs syndrome. Anyone objecting would be called a racist and cancelled. At the end of the day, the naked man would be tied to a bench and set on fire, recreating that sense of community at the end of the wicker man. Scarborough council say it would be ok, as they promised the man his soul would go to DisneyLand, and he would just choke on his tongue otherwise.”

  3. A capacity seating of 230 adults? Well that may have been possible back in 1883, but not today. I hope the whole thing has given up under all that weight.

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  4. It looks like Scarborough is trying to catch up with their local rivals Dracula-on-Sea. The burghers of Whitby have rather cleverly used their Bram Stoker connection to create a Goth tourism niche for themselves.

    But have no fear Scarborough, there’s a station park bench market just waiting to be exploited. Go for it.

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  7. After the celebration of the bench or many benches in one long line they could all go on a real Scarborough treasure hunt, a pilgrimage to the now unmarked grave of Jimmy Savile.
    A group pissing event on the grave 😂

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  8. Three old ladies were sat on a park bench when a man ran up and flashed them. One had a stroke. The second had a stroke. And the third couldn’t reach in time.

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  9. The article doesn’t mention the brass plaque that reads

    ‘In loving memory of Dad, 1948 – 2021
    Carked it waiting for the fucking train to turn up’

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  11. What a marvelous bench!
    Scarborough are lucky to have it.

    Whitby of course has its Dracula and Captain Cook connection,
    But a bench Godzilla could park his arse on?
    Still pretty good.

    A testament of when Britain made the finest things in the world.

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  12. The Scarborough News has the same problem as most regional local news disseminators i.e. there is nothing significant to report. We have two aerials for terrestrial television, one for the Oxford transmitter and one for the transmitter at Crystal Palace. We take the latter’s signal virtually all the time. When I was working it was useful to me to know which streets were closed off in London following last night’s stabbing/shooting/riot. Whenever I’ve seen the regional TV news for central southern England, i.e. that broadcast by the Oxford transmitter it’s seemed to me that fuck all ever happens in Swanage or Faringdon.

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      • When I lived in the Scottish Borders we had Border Television, part of the ITV network and based in Carlisle.

        They struggled to come up with anything for their news programmes because nothing had happened in Carlisle since the cathedral was built in 1133.

  13. Someone, somewhere, like those who collect traffic cones or catalogue and photograph manhole covers will be jizzing themselves stupid over this.

    Good spot JP, a nice change!

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  15. 139 metres of wrought iron would have been cut up long ago, before ending up at some dodgy scrap metal merchant. Good job the original designer had a bit of fore thought. Scarborough Fare must be full of tinkers.

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  17. Scarborough isthe Yorkshire coast Disney world.

    It hasnt just got thrilling benches to draw in the tourists,
    Its got a castle too.
    And a spa where the mineral water is famous for its healing properties.
    Little Billy got compsumtion? Scrofula?
    Your rickets playing up?
    Take the whole family
    And heal thyself.

    Then have fish n chips and go crabbing.

    Get a tshirt printed up.

    ” i caught crabs in Scarborough”

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  18. Oh and they have fossils.
    You can find them with the kids.
    Jurassic park without the risk of being eaten by a T. Rex.

    You can shove ibiza up your arse.
    And Femidorm and lanzasnote.

    Cant find fossils there.
    Rubbish.

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  19. Im writing to the citizens of Scarborough(scabies?)
    To pitch my talents as head of tourism.
    Give me a year itd be full of goldfish faced jap tourists taking photos of everything.
    Fat yanks filling their faces.

    I dont remember that Roy Castle featuring the Bench on Record breakers?
    Why not?!
    Just what was his fuckin issue?!

    The cunt was probably too busy tapdancing, blowing that fuckin trumpet and breathing everyones cigarette smoke for free in nightclubs.

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  20. Last year I noticed that the village that I live in has a number of un dedicated benches.
    I also found some rather nice cheap “memorial plaque” makers on e-bay who will just about put anything on them.

    “The meeting bench” sponsored by x swingers club.
    was nicely positioned in the village centre, quite popular until somebody complained to the parish council
    ditto
    “In memory of rover who would shit upon this sacred field” Local cricket ground.

    then
    “In memory of Nick the flasher, who waited for his victims here” that went in one of the bus shelters.

    Yes I had a right fun time of that, The parish council would like to hang me and have possibly put a reward on my head.😁

    So I sort of like benches, “The meeting bench” probably caused a few miss understandings, but very well may have made some beautiful brief friendships😉

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  21. The Aussies do a lot of ‘big’ things. Novelty architecture that are landmarks celebrating a heritage or tradition of a local area or just oversized random crap for advertising purposes. I saw the Big Banana in Coffs Harbour years ago. Wes Streeting would have fainted.

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  23. Soon,when digital ID cards mean that you are no longer authorised to travel more than five miles from home (in order to save the planet from CO2, prevent the spread of covids type horror viruses, to ensure you are always available for euthanasia, etc, etc), local news and events will be all that are available. You will be able to win potatoes at locally held beetle drives (organised by the Lib Dems) or go to special variety shows put on by trans groups groups looking to raise community awareness. Fuck off.

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  24. I’ve just remembered Tom Finney saying in a later life interview that he was pleased that people would sit on his face in the Deepdale Park stands.

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    • And that’s worse than what?

      Fucking a pigs head.
      Stealing Jaffa cakes.
      Lying about your qualifications to be Chancellor.
      Accepting gifts from a supporter.
      Fiddling your handicapped child’s trust fund.
      Evicting your tenants to get a higher rent.

      And on, and on.

      Two faced doesn’t even begin to describe it.

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    • Wasn’t there some rumour that Farage had walked around a Sussex village in his youth singing Hitler youth songs?

      Hammy Lammy will undoubtedly get away with this one, whilst snaffling some more Jaffa Cakes and quaffing another quart of Veuve Clicquot, only then retiring to fling some faeces at his neighbours and force himself on his white wife.

      Bloody corpulent simian.

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  30. Starmer, I have thought about it. You, without doubt are the biggest fucking threat to this once great country since Mr A Hitler.

    You laddie are fucking history. No matter how many union jacks your bleeding acolytes wave.

    We don’t believe you, we don’t trust you, we don’t want you or any of your quisling MP’s.

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