Piles (3)

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A light hearted but painful cunting for piles, or pile in this case.

Having never exerienced such rectal delights until today, but taken the piss whenever someone has mentioned them, Imagine my horror waking up feeling like I spent my first night in an American prison with big bobo as my cellmate.

A quick bath and check, and just to be sure, a look with a mirror to find a big (big to me anyway) fresh new pile sat there.

Got some anusol on way to work and had self service tills existed here, I would have used it for once but no, served by the usual woman who is usually chatty and smiley but not today, so asked her if the anusol and my massive arse grape was the reason which did raise a smile.

Had some fun looking for a youtube link, a lot of them seem to be Indian videos, are piles more prevalent in Indians? I would have thought the lack of toilet paper and the type 1 and 2 on Bristol stool chart would mean they were less likely candidates, but what do I know on day one of a hopefully very short sore bum journey.

youtube

Nominated by Cunt of the Isles.

46 thoughts on “Piles (3)”

  4. Dr. Michael Barrymore has volunteered to push that Farmer Giles back in for you, CotI.
    Don’t take him up on the offer…he won’t stop until he’s in up to the elbow.

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  5. Initially I thought it a good prank to use a picture of Jess Phillips’ bumhole for this morning’s nom.
    But that’s not hers…hers is much hairier than that.

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    • Her terrorist friends insist on an hirsute arsehole for Phillips. It reminds them of Goat Friday every week, although goats have a better odour.

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  6. I’ve had piles of bad luck for years, but never did anything about it (them) due to a doctor putting me off treatment that could make it worse. Now the risk is higher due to age. All I can do now is help others from my experience of living with them. First of all, cut out alcohol. Eat foods like fruit and roughage that makes you go for a shite with ease. After wiping your arse, that isn’t the end, give it a good wash in a bidet if you have one, or a low sink, similar to the ones they have in disabled toilets. Sorry lads if you’re washing your hands and face in it after I’ve just been. Back to washing your arse, make sure you leave it soapy, that way you can shove the piles back in with ease, then rinse before sitting on a towel laid on a chair and sit until you think your arse is dry, then up with the undies and trousers before sitting in your favourite chair and watch television. I only go for walks the next day, to make sure they don’t begin to hang out. Then repeat on your lifetime of shites.
    Hope this as been some help to new comers.

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  7. I had one burst the other day whilst taking a dump. Scary the amount of blood. The toilet paper looked like the Japanese Flag whilst wiping my arse. Nobby’s Piles in Viz has made me laugh over the years though. Always ends up piercing his arse on something sharp. Best one was him hurtling towards the ‘Rusty German World War I Helmet Store’.

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  8. Never had em. No problem.

    A nice pint of three of rough cider keeps thee arse end that bit wider and therefore the Chalfonts are no issue.

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    • I am told that Guinness has the same effect.
      Except blacker, loose turds.

      Give up alcohol?
      Bollocks!

      It’s like the advice that doctors give you.
      Got an ingrowing toenail?
      Stop smoking.

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  9. Reminds me of the current UK government, and the last, and oh presume you get the picture 😩…. had a colonoscopy last year and was informed I’d got the said nom ….but as yet touch arse they’ve been good little boys and kept in their warm bivouac 💩 👍

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  10. Piles are nothing, wait until you enter the world of bowl cancer screening.
    Firstly you get to starve yourself and poison yourself with a wonderful drink called moviprep a vaguely isotonic drink (available in lemon, aniseed and mango flavour, I have tried most of them) so by the time you are pissing clear fluid from your arse hole its time to go to hospital.
    When they offer you the sedative, take it, don’t be a hero, in fact ask for any spare they have ant then lay down and watch TV whilst someone sticks a drain snake up your arse.
    Whilst slightly spaced on the bed you get to see the inside of your bowls, almost like a medical documentary and you feel slightly detached from the reality that this is actually inside your body.
    Next thing you know, they find a polyp and tell you its coming out, you agree and what I can only describe as something from the matrix springs into action cutting and vacuuming said polyp from your colon, and this point it suddenly dawns on you that you have in fact got a small swiss army knife shoved up your arse.
    Once withdrawn you are escorted to a nice room and given a cup of coffee and a biscuit whilst you and the other anal rape victims contemplate what has just happened to them.
    So piles, fuck piles, get yourself on the bowl cancer screening program and get raped by a donkey every six months.

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    • Can’t get that hairy arse pulling tongues at me out of my head, Lord benny.

      That test you had was similar to the double endoscopy I had, where you get tubes up the arse and down the throat at the same time. I watched it live on television also. For the arse part, you had to suffer taking stuff for cleaning out your arse walls before the camera goes up for inspection. I got praised for a clear tunnel by the nurse who was holding my hand at the time.

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      • Correction. It was a colonoscopy.
        I’ve also gone pass the age of them not bothering you about the advent calendar I called it when you sent shit through the post, testing you for bowel cancer.

      • Believe it or not they inflate you with co2 to do the procedure,
        I have been toying with the idea of pretending to be a maintenance worker and piping the waste gas into the hospital oxygen supply.
        That would be quite interesting 😉

    • There are Labour Mps who will pay good money for that experience – especially Streeting and Bryant. They’d try claiming it on expenses, though

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  11. So it happened then.
    Thomas became an Admin and now he’s in charge of the nomination pictures.

    We’re dooomed aye we’re all dooooomed.

    Don’t tell him your name Pike.

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  12. Thought of Nobby’s piles the other day.
    I clocked a donut cushion on some cunt’s chair in an office I visited.
    Till then I’d only ever seen them in the Viz.
    Doubted their actual existence, along with the Clag-Gone,
    Remington fanny scissors,
    And the Black and Decker slug hammer.
    Turns out they’re real.
    “Gaaaahhh me fucking arse grapes!”
    LOL

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  13. OT, but I`m assuming no-one had the steroid-enhanced clearly repressed homosexual Hulk (Terry Gene Bollea) in the Dead Pool.
    🤼‍♀️

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  15. I’ve often thought of using a buttplug to stop the piles dropping, but it might widen the arse and have hanging bollocks back and front.

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  16. Old Mother McGinty had a bad case of the Chalfonts, and took herself off to see the doc.

    ‘Och doctur’ she moaned, ‘they’re servin’ me oot something terrible ken’.

    ‘I’ll give you some suppositories’ said the doc. ‘Come back and see me in week’.

    Sure enough, she’s back a week later, and the doc says ‘so how are you getting on with the suppositories Mrs McGinty?’

    ‘Och they taste like shit’ she gurned, ‘and they’re so useluss ah may as wull a’ stuck up ma erse’.

    Ah the oldies but goldies.

    Morning all.

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  19. Despite being a millionaire several times over, Anthony Blair suffers from this complaint (all those years in London’s public lavatories. He has written a new memoir about it. It is called “Piles of Gold”

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  20. I’d not heard of piles until my late teens. Soon as I knew what they were I began worrying I might get them.

    Sure enough, within a couple of weeks I’d sprouted a couple of grapes and had difficulty squeezing anything out without severe discomfort.

    Took fucking ages and several embarrassing trips to the chemist for Germoloids to shift the cunts.

    Been pile free ever since, touch wood.

    Conclusion: piles are psychosomatic, the product of an overactive neurotic imagination.

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