is a cunt.
Recently one evening whilst roasting a few armadillos` noses over an open fire and slurping a nice red wine I noticed in the blurb on the back of the bottle “… this wine would be the perfect accompaniment to a porcini risotto”.
Oh. I`ll just knock one up then.
It may as well have said “ideal with Baluga caviar spread on a Spillers & Bakers Pilot cracker that survived the sinking of the Titanic”.
Or, if you happen to have a few truffles lying around how about “Enjoy with a glass of unicorn tears”.
And “Paired with a dusting of fairy dust, garnished with a sprinkle of mermaid scales embellished with a phoenix feather enjoyed when accompanied by a sunset view and a side of exquisite happiness”.
Mind you, whilst browsing in the Aladdin`s Cave which is Aldi the other day, I was tempted to buy a small drum of Chinese alphabetti spaghetti: 5 gallon minimum size, guaranteed to have at least 95% of the logographic characters in it.
Nominated by Sam Beau.
It’s the cereal in a dish on cereal packaging with the words ‘serving suggestion’ for me.
‘Bowl not included’ was printed in one of them I saw. Which is just a sad reflection(think about it) on litigious-assholes society.
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In retrospect I guess it stopped me from just pouring it all over the table like I used to.
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It ticks me off when the packaging proudly states “Serves 4”.
No, it doesn’t, not unless they’re semi-anorexic or under the age of 2.
Also, when the packaging is 3 times bigger than the food inside it. Yes, I’m looking at you, Walker’s crisps.
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At least crisps, cereal have a (bullshit) ‘excuse’ .. ‘contents may have settled’.
Cadburys Brown Fingers, wait that’s not right, .. Cadbury chocolate fingers .. inhabit precisely half the cardboard/plastic/plastic packaging in which they are sold. Completely twice the amount of packaging used fully wastefullyl, times millions of units sold every week.(They have to be delivered in bulk in unnecessarily oversized cardboard boxes as well as a consequence).
Where’re the Extinction Rebelluon cunts on that score?
‘Course another element of that problem is lazy mongs that obliviously buy the bigger, half empty box because they haven’t the wherewithal to divide price by weight, and hold a personal red line. (an easter egg made from exactly the same stuff can be 5 times the price of a standard bar of the muck, as an example).
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(five times the price, gramme for gramme, that is).
Also, ^ *rebellion(the arseholes)
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I don’t like being told what to do.
They can shove their suggestions up their arse.
They’re not the boss of me!
Here’s some of my suggestions for serving food
Curry
Heat to suitably hot then pour into a babies nappie and serve.
Cut out the middle man.
McDonald’s
Throw all packaging in the street as is traditional , eat it,
Then put on a baseball cap and call everyone dude,
You slovenly cunt.
Chinese food,
Go authentic and dip the batboxes from the National trust,
Undercook , then greedy eat it using twigs,
Congratulations!!
You’ve just started a pandemic 👍
Italian
Throw that tomato heavy shite in the nearest bin,
Walk to the chippy purchase pudding chips peas and gravy.
African cuisine
Peel the yellow bit off, consume, screech, swing from a branch and fling your faeces at passersby.
*Miserables guide to world cuisine
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Looks like you’re turning into a bit of a snob Mis. Faeces indeed. In the NHS they call it poo.
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Korean:
find a dog, eat, repeat.
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Arabs like eating donkey dicks and sheep’s eyeballs.
How on Earth can you have any kind of interactions with such filth?
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We don’t and nobody asked them to bring the 8th century, third world practices here either.
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I remember March 2020, Miserable.
On my way home from work, and the hordes of scum queuing up for McDonald’s.
All desperate to have a ‘last’ Big Mac before the long lockdown.
Are these chav shite addicted to this crap? What’s in it, Heroin?
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I never saw it Norm,
I was being rescued by the fire brigade after chaining myself to the chippy doors.
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It’s not just serving suggestions that get my goat, it’s labelling in general.
Bleach – do not drink.
Laundry capsules – keep out of reach of children.
Takeaway coffee – caution, hot!
Fuck me, how much of an imbecile do you have to be, that the bleeding obvious has to be pointed out to you?
I’d like to see ” caution – product labelling may cause your blood pressure to rise alarmingly”
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Another one,
“Not a toy!”
on just about anything, chainsaws, carving knives, plastic bags, blowtorches. Thank dog manufacturers are on the ball, as prior to cautionary labelling I regularly used to give my infant children such items to play with!
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Aprilia motorcycles sold in the USA have a warning attached which states ‘None of this motorcycle is edible’
However, this supposes that the purchaser can read English which is a big assumption.
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I bought a hairdryer back in 2008 that had a label on it ‘Not for internal use’.
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That’s a good one, Cuntologist!
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I was going to tip di-chloro-methane in my eyes until I noticed the warning about eye protection.
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Peanuts
“May contain traces of nuts”
Megasighhhhhh
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Most takeaway coffee, not hot enough as to not offend/burn the idiotic.
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I thought these labels on foodstuffs fell into the same category as Ts and Cs in adverts and on the net i.e. read by nobody. Only thing I ever read is the date on the packaging.
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The serving suggestions, look like someone’s innards after motoring accident.
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Splendid nomination Sam.
Serving suggestion to accompany that paragon of Glaswegian haute cuisine, the Munchie Box:
Best served with treatment for Type 2 diabetes, arteriosclerosis and morbid obesity.
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Everyone knows the wine pairing for the munchy box is a bottle of buckfast tonic.
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Chiggun -the manufacturer of this product will not be liable should the cunt who consumes it starts a “turf war”,wears their tracksuit bottoms round their knees,stabs another “consumer” over “raspekt innit” and has an uncontrollable desire to team up with fellow “consumers” to Rob Nike and Apple stores in broad daylight.
And don’t even mention the Notting hill “carnival”..
Dear me.
Good morning.
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Dey got beef togetha, innit blud.
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It’s just called ‘carnival’ Dontchaknow.
Or around this area it’s known as:
Cøønival
The riot with a soundtrack
The Notting hill stabfest.
The monkey mayhem Weekender.
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Also known as
The bonobos bash.
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Monkey mayhem weekender.
That made me laugh Odin.
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Glad I gave someone a chuckle today, Scunny. 😁
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‘Serving suggestion’ on a tin cracks me up.
They always show a beautifully laid out couple of pilchards or something like with a salad. Makes you wonder how they ever got them out of the tin in less than a hundred bits.
The other one is the photo of the bowl of cornflakes on the box, with the flakes in what is clearly white paint.
Morning all.
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Morning Ron, all.
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An Aussie show called ’The Checkout’ had an amusing segment comparing the packet photo with the actual product
Packaged curries Depicted as a Silk Road feast compared with the actual product looking like choleric discharge from a diseased gorilla.
Or these hilarious burgers:
https://m.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=541885289184100&vanity=checkouttv&slug=a.509078572464772
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I would imagine unicorn tears aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Bitter, at a guess… *orphan* tears, on the other hand (I get them from the same place I get my panda-ears toilet roll) .. orphan tears really set off your beluga caviar for example ; I was saying I couldn’t really have the cav without them at this stage, to Jocasta and Aurelia over brunch recently. Kind of like how poor people have that ketchup stuff on their chips and whatnot.
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A steaming turd can be quite edible. Besides saving on energy.
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.. with orphan tears?
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Too salty.
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Shit wi’ sugar on.
Fine dining.
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Mix it twice and a bit of pee might be nice
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Foreskin cheese, is my filler suggestion.
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…. a condiment.
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Condoment😀
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Due to the i being next to the o, l made a terrible mistake. I shall whip myself later for it. Will three strokes do ?
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As a pairing with what though?
Bellend brie. ~Pairs well with water biscuits, black olives and a pint of brasso.
Penis parmesan. ~Shave off a small amount and sprinkle sparingly on spag bol. Pairs nicely with a three litre bottle of frosty jack. Best consumed al fresco. ie on a park bench.
Organzola. ~ The headiest of phallic fungi and not for the faint of heart.
Pairs well with terps or methylated spirit.
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Not sure if anyone else notices, but the product in the nom pic is called ‘Sheese’. 100% dairy free.
This would imply that it came from a female.
I’m guessing it’s the creamy scrapings of a fat lesbians labia. 🤮
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Our supreme leader pairing of Sir quare and dirty Ange won’t settle for anything less than a well aged organzola.
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Brie now reminds me of thar cunt Brie Larson.
Don’t see how she gives any lad the horn.
Apart from being a white man hating misandrist woke psycho.
She has the most evil eyes. Looks like ITV’s Jim Rosenthal in a wig.
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And her arse is pathetic
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People don’t realise, will get all my joking suggestions from restaurant staff and other things besides, especially if you’re rude to waiters. You’ll also get a completely glass of pissy wine.
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They dont have the Chinese Alphabetti Spag at my Aldi. So I got the African version.
It was empty.
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A box of clicks and squeeks
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Attention all gen z this product 🚽may contain 💩… thank you
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Guten Morgen, mein Babykohl !!! …
https://images.steamusercontent.com/ugc/2029464642219037831/439F2C3BDC6382A5496521D6C4FEB2DDDC0198AC/?imw=512&&ima=fit&impolicy=Letterbox&imcolor=%23000000&letterbox=false
🌭
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Once opened store in a bunker for no more than 2 days.
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The branch of Tescos, who had to put up signs in foreign languages (naturelment) to tell migrant muck that daffodils weren’t to be eaten.
Fuck me. I bet they go to garden centres, buy manure and then have it for tea.
Savages. Bloody savages.
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OT. I see our goverment’s own grim reaper, Rachel the Nose is wielding her scythe once again….
But, I also see she has grabbed free tickets to some pop concert or other.#
The guillotine was made for her. Chop. Chop. Chop.
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She’s got the lead in Shakespeare’s classic at Stratford I see…
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/apr/01/richard-iii-laurence-olivier-reel-history-accurate
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Marketing mumbo always gets me as well.
It boils my piss when you see a product saying something like ‘made with real milk’. As opposed to what exactly, plastic milk?
Then there’s wording to make a product sound a little more, I dunno, exotic maybe? Like on the side of a tin of Cadbury’s Hot Chocolate, which says ‘swirl into hot milk’.
Not ‘stir’, but ‘swirrrrll’, to give a hint of the luxurious about it I suppose.
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