I was watching The Chase the other day and the question ‘St. Matthew is the patron saint of, A: Accountants, B: Candle makers or C: Ferrymen?’ came up. This got me thinking about saints and more particularly the pointless patronages bestowed upon them.
There are the well-known ones like St. George and St. Patrick but there are literally thousands of others covering all manner of jobs, trades, places and afflictions. Button makers? Church cleaners? Dog bites? Florentine cheese merchants? They have you covered. Today for example, Jan 31st is the feast day of St. John Bosco patron saint of schoolchildren, magicians and juvenile delinquency.
I like to think of them in a heavenly type waiting room getting their number from a ticket dispenser waiting for their sainthood.
“Oi, George! What did you get?”
“England mate, fucking get in. You Bonaventure?”
“Bowel disorders. Hilary of Poitiers, I’ll swap you for backward children?”
“No thanks, Fiacre has already tried to palm haemorrhoid sufferers on to me”.
Out of all of them though, I think Our Lady of Perpetual Help who is the patron saint of Haiti must be my favourite because it is so apt. The BBC and the rest of the lamestream media beatified St. George Floyd of Minneapolis some years ago, patron of fentanyl users and respiratory difficulties but its only a matter of time until its official and he gets his own feast day and joins the ranks of celebrating gallstones, lepers and stammering children.
The answer was A, Accountants by the way.
Chin up St. Matthew, it could have been a lot worse.
Nominated by Liberal Liquidator.
Our new patron saint must be St. Jude, then!
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Hmm for many years I have worn around my neck the following, a saint Michael medal for protection against the snares of the Devil and other nasties who want to do damage to me and mine, a saint Jude medal to help me deal with the fact that I always got the shit jobs finally a cross of the reconquista (symbol of the Muslims exit from Spain)
Must say that in the past the fact I had them round my neck was a comforting feeling.
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I have Frigg’s prayer in runic.
Unharmed go forth
Unharmed return
Unharmed safe home.
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Like that, Allfather.
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A church close to where I live is called St. Judes.
AA meet there, which I find hilarious!
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Do good. You’re a Saint.
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The Archangel Saint Michael is the patron Saint of warriors.
I’d be delighted to see him fly about clearing out our enriched land of foreign looters with his fiery blade..
then in the afternoon He could set about the parliamentary Liebor Party.
Hallelujah!
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The white race has one….saint extinction the shortly ⚜️…. once a leader in many fields,now many of his followers are wet 🥬…can his diminishing band rise him back? … he’s looking frail tbh..👎
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My favourite saint was Saint Edmund.
He got taken hostage during the viking raids of East Anglia.
Such was his wittering and boringly pious monologues on Jesus that the Norsemen grew bored of his tedious shite.
They tied him to a tree and used him for archery practice,
Then hacked his head off and threw it in the nettles.
They did things properly back then.
Justin Welby should think on.
Bury at Edmunds is named in his honour.
The name headless arrow riddled corpse being rejected by the tourist board and mayor.
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The Saints said “well by just in” was satisfactory enough.
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It’s quite interesting that not all saints are Catholics, but the Catholic Church only canonises Catholics as saints. There is a St. Edmunds Catholic School near me that used to have nuns teach in it. Apparently some of them could be horrible cunts, hiding under their habit. I think the Mother Superior was the Head Mistress
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That’s the thing with nuns Sunny,
They have bad habits…
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I will stick with my St. Christopher, martyr & Patron Saint of Travel, & Motoring, something that was brought for me as a Christening present by my Godmother many moons ago.
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I think Justin is the patron Saint of blokes with short cocks.
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Maybe some of the choirboys from Cunterbury Cathedral are still around to 2nd that W/S!
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St John of Stevas was one who walked among us. Our Lord was the most pious of Britains. He had a wondrous lustre about him, that hung around when he went hither and thither extolling the virtues of a feudal world view. He spent many years of self-sacrifice among lepers and swine, as leader of the House of Commons. Some thought him a pompous and patronising cunt, but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Good afternoon, everyone.
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He was the bastion of pomposity, the fucking old cunt. “It really is a bore!”, he responded when asked to conform to the Law like what us Plebeians have to do, the chortling buffoon and pompous old windbag. I wonder if he was a quare?
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Deus Nobiscum, HC. As Our Lord might well have said!
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He certainly was not as other men, in other words a raving põöfțer!
Evening HC, evening all.
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Norman Strange Arse would still have been streets ahead of anyone in the Commons today.
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Norman Strained Arse?
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My favorite is Saint Donald of America, the Patron Saint of MAGA.
They tried to Impeach him him, indict him, imprison him and even kill him but he just keeps on fighting.
Plus it’s fun to watch the infidel Democrats charge repeatedly into the breach, impaling themselves on the barricades and writhing and screaming as he works his miracles.
The metaphor amuses me.
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St. Michael of Barrymore, patron saint of elbow-deep fisting related sanctified drownings.
Maybe he was trying to discover if Stuart Lubbock was possessed and was hiding a little demon in his intestines?
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I feel quite certain there would have been more than a few little demons up there.
Get thee behind me,Satan.
Thank you.
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Saint Blair Creature, patron saint of destroying Great Britain….💩
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Followed by saint Starmer his bastard sucksessor. Geddit.
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It’s like a litany of famous mad people from the last two thousand years: Saint Bluehair who heard voices in her head or Saint Ooga who was told to kill all whiiite people.
Alternatively, it could be a litany of magicians: Saint Shaymus who miraculously makes biscuits appear if you rub his cassock.
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While not religious I do listen to the Saints.
https://youtu.be/E2an4AH3818?si=gDKyogxhtA15z9K_
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Of course there is no heaven for humans but it is a known fact that all dogs go to their own doggy heaven.
Even the weird looking dogs with no hair.
This is because all dogs are “Very Good” (Oh yes they are).
In dog heaven there is an endless supply of tennis balls and it is “Din-Dins” all the time.
Warm roast chicken never runs out.
There is a small enclosure in dog heaven where Pákís are tied upside down on posts.
The dogs go there to piss on them.
They shit all over the Pákí area and enjoy barking at the smelly bastards.
San Antón is the protector of all animals so he is the only saint that you need to know.
On 17th January each year we take our animals along to be blessed and get to know about San Antoni Abad, who will make sure that they are well looked after for all eternity.
All other saints are shifty cunts.
https://youtu.be/dwavHUe_Isk?si=0W5XPLwt-dfy4eBp
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I remember when my mum was diagnosed with cancer (a horrible time).
Her next door neighbour was an Irish catholic, a lovely woman but a bit eccentric.
She handed my mum a card with a picture of some saint, described as ‘the patron saint of morbid tumours’.
Fucking hell. I know the old dear meant well, but it greatly upset my mum.
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My Auntie Mary was a devout Catholic. Some might say she was an eccentric person, but she was the kindest and most generous woman that ever lived. The words salt of the earth were made for her. She went to the Dead Sea, to Bethelehem, to Golgotha, and many trips to Rome. I went with her to Heaton Park to see Pope John Paul II in 1982. I gave up the Catholic bit long before that, But I knew it meant a lot to her, so I gladly went with her.
And when I had a very bad accident at ten years of age (where my kidney failure comes from), my Auntie Mary visited me in Booth Hall Chldren’s Hospital every day for the ten weeks I was in there. Remarkable woman, she was.
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Good for you Norm.
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Did you know that St. Isidore was the patron Saint of the Internet?
And there are some other obscure Saints as well:
https://focus.org/posts/25-patron-saints-of-really-random-things/
You Brits need to invoke St. Malo…the patron saint of Pig Keepers.
“We beseech thee St Malo on behalf of humanity to bless our pig keepers and make them prolific and prosperous throughout the Realm of Britain so that we might deter the Peaceful Menace from invading our fair shores and fouling our beloved land, institutions and daughters. – Amen”
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The Catholic Church will canonise anyone who makes the right noises.
Joan of Arc. Strange girl, who said she heard angels and stuff like that. Didn’t end well for her, as we know. But in 1920, the Vatican elevated her to sainthood and accepted her ‘voices’ and ‘visions’ as genuine. When there is no evidence whatsoever that they were.
Mother Theresa of Calcutta. A cunt – truth be told – and a monumental hypocrite. But, because she spouted the church’s nonsense, the old sod has been virtually deified
And that’s just two of the more well known examples. There are loads of them. I dare say that demented dead cunt Sinead O’ Connor will be next in line for a Vatican gong. Then again, nah. The loony bald fuck ripped up a photo of the Pope, so maybe not.
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Sinead also converted to the religion of peace so that would seem be another vote against her in the sainthood stakes.
St Joan of Arc I don’t mind. According to The Devils of D-Day by Graham Masterton she spoke with demons and commanded a battalion of Hell’s very own devils. Bit of an own goal for the church if true.
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Mother Theresa was a nasty, Albanian piece of work, as well as having a face like a danish pastry. The great man Hitchens did a cunting on her in his book, ‘Mother Theresa: Cunt with a face like a sunburnt scrotum’.
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A heartwarming tale of plucky British grit and the bulldog spirit that we thought dead with the dambusters.
My dad’s in hospital with heart and kidney failure.
My dad was a strong bloke.
A no bullshit type.
A grafter
Laid low by time and a failing body😥
Last night there was a mutiny.
One of the lads on the ward was being moved against his will.
The other patients,
This few, this sickly few barricaded the ward with chairs
And when the nurses turned up chanted ” he doesn’t want to go!!!*
👋👋👋
Anarchy is good for the soul.
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A diffucult time no doubt Mis.
All you can do is hope for the best mate, and say anything you need to say now.
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I’m right sorry to hear about your Dad, Mis.
Wishing I had magic words to say, but I’m just your average tongue tied human.
Your Dad is in my thoughts.
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What Jeezum said mate.
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And me lads.
All the best Miserable.
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Cheers Lads 👍
I’m learning about a new side to my dad.
Turns out he’s a bit of a rebel.
The James Dean of the heart unit.
Caught smoking out a open window
Caught trying to sneak off the ward
And organising a mutiny.
Doubt the nurses are impressed but I certainly am.😂
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Having been through it last year,it’s rough.
All the best.
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Chin up fella.
Imagine the mayhem when the ward nurse says “Doctor Patel will be seeing you tomorrow morning on his rounds Mr Miserable”.
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I’ll be looking out Mis.
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The Cunters at ISAC are all thinking of you Mis and all the best to your Dad. Like all of the ageing buggers on here, I’ve been through it. Glad to know you have a good wife and kids for support. 👍
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The only saint worth knowing is Roger Moore. All other saints are cunts…..
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Ian Ogilvy was also pretty good in Return of the Saint.
Top theme tune anyway.
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Watched a good film the other night. The Man Who Haunted Himself. Roger Moore was good in that.
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Amen to Mr O. Loved that show as a kid – I had the white Corgi XJS.
The Haunted Man – Rog at his eyebrow lifting best and some great classic tin on there, such as Rog’s Rover P5 V8.
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St Michael was the patron saint of Marks & Spencer until the year 2000 when he was canned after effnicks complained he was too white and Christian.
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I wondered what had happened to him.
My mum was going to a Billy Graham meeting she was try to get someone to go with her. We are discussing this at a family picnic at a Kenwood open air concert. We all refused so she said she would take my wife who she thought was a Saint. I am asked if the Mrs is religious and replied “Oh yes she has St. Michael embroidered in her knickers and shouts Oh God during sex” That was the last time my mother hit me I was 30 at the time.
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Excellent!
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There’s this mad Italian film. This teenage lad lives next door to Monica Bellucci and he nicks her duds. His fanatically religious mamma goes apeshit when she catches him asleep with a pair of her knickers on his face.
It’s a great film.
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Sounds like my kind of flick Norman
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Washing-line or laundry basket, Norman?
There’s a huge difference as far as wanking props go … 😄
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St. Thomas was the patron saint of architects?
The way that old slaphead Doreen goes on, I thought it was St. Stephen of Lawrence.
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Always used to get my vests, keks and socks from Marks & Sparks in Manchester. St. Michael was a mark of quality.
But, now M&S socks are made in Turkey for fucks sake. It went down the crapper years ago. Just like every other British institutions.
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Their underpants are shite, too.
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I make my own out of dustclothes.
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The day we dumped St Edmund (an Englishman) as patron saint of England in favour of St George (a foreigner) was the day the rot began setting in here.
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Saint jude has his work cut out in Britain as the Saint of lost causes..
Beaten to death with a club, while today’s indigenous taxpaying population are being clubbed with high taxes by successive governments of cunts..
I’m all for canonizing Rodney, lammy and angie. 21 gun salute..
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Tied against the muzzle please Barry.
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Broken on the gun carriage wheel first.
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St Jeremy of North Islington was the patron saint of Labour until a schism saw him cast down into the purgatory inhabited by indepenent members. It is prophesied that Saint Jeremy will remain there until the fall of the Kweer, when he will rise again to lead the Fenians from the river to the sea.
All praise be to Alan.
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There’s some ‘church’ that views both Pontius Pilate and Judas Iscariot as saints. Can’t remember what they’re called, but they do exist.
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Might be the Yazidis, those victims of genocidal peacefulism that we rarely hear these days. The BBC presuming we’d rather be regaled by the adventures of Shamina Begum, or the latest misfortunes of those poor people in Gaza (every single fucking day)
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Norman, it looks like the Coptic church think Pilate is a Saint. Not sure about Iscariot as it might be he is confused with a different Judas.
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Hang on.
You have a bunch of people demanding reparations for their ancestors being slaves, when the same bunch of people have no idea who their father is.
I’m calling bullshit on this one. it’s just another one of their looky looky scams.
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The opposite of ‘Saint,’ is rather interesting, but I, for now will go with the ‘Saint’s & Sinner’s M.C.’ an outlaw biker club founded in 2004 in California. Where else? The Hell’s Angel’s M.C. came from there, & they were no saints!
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Gentleman how could you?, Not one of you have mentioned the greatest saint of them all, who walks amongst us today – St. Mandy, the Patron Saint of Pompous Poofters and rectum-raiding don’t-knows. He has many followers – in my fathers house there are many mansions – the Sodomite Socialists like Streeting, Ryan, Kyle, Pollard, Bryant, Reeve, and many back benchers who strive for safe seats and will bend over backwards to obtain them
Mandy’s representitive on earth Sir Kweer of Starmer does his best to get to grips with them, to ease their passage, leads them through the highways of their ups and downs and the back passages of righteousness. Let us pray…….
St Mandy, currently carrying out His Work in the tea rooms of Washington, anointing the twinks with iced pansy water, and making them take the fudge finger, their version of the wine and wafer.
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Miracles .. retrospectively ‘acknowledged’ by some cunt with a bias on the matters in question being seen as real things.
Monopoly much?
The Oirish cunt (‘Patrick’) drove all the snakes out of Oireland, formative-age children are told. Children too young to question the logistics of a single human being clearing 84,000 sq. kilometres of snakes. Nowadays a dangerous snake escapes from some cunt who’s been keeping it imprisoned in a glass display cabinet in a house, .. well .. it causes a big hullabaloo.. warnings, news reports etc. 84 sq. Metres being the effective search area.
And still the whole single-handedly clearing an entire country of same somehow seems tame to me, above and beyond the English one’s majorly known achievement .. he killed a fucking DRAGON, no less.
That Theresa cunt generated over a billion dollars in monies reportedly during her Calcutta years. The percentage of that NOT spent on the suffering yet uninvestigated(hint gold-encrusted basilica ain’t cheap!), .. is a little miracle in itself.
💩
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For fucks sake. I typed basilicas plural, .. saw that the fucking phone changed it to singular, .. CHANGED it BACK to plural .. and the fucking thing overruled me again. Wrongly. I see basilicae is also accepted. Typed it, .. fucking phone changed it to basilica again.
Whatever tech cunt finally invents a gremlin free spellchecker/autocorrect should get a sainthood!
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St Cuntius is the patron saint of Cunters and needs to have daily dedicated cuntings made at his shrine at Is-a-Cunt to avoid, apoplexy, heart attacks, strokes and for general mental well being.
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