Yesterday the wife came back from a trawl around the charity shops with a gift for me that I much appreciate. It’s a copy of a weighty reference tome on films, of which I’m a lifelong devotee. The author’s purpose is to draw together a list of what he regards as un miss able films, and the book’s title is ‘1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die’.
People always seem to be drawing up these lists. You’ll find them them in the meeja, in magazines, and on line; ‘100 Books You Must Read Before You Die’, ’50 Places You Must Visit Before You Die’, ‘101 Foods You Must Eat Before You Die’, ‘1001 Albums you Must Listen To…’, ’50 Sporting Occasions You Must…’ and so on.
Fair Enough. But one thing irritates the life out of me. Why not just call the book ‘1001 Films You Must See’? What’s with the pointless melodrama of the ‘Before You Die’ bit? It stands to reason that I’ll see the film, or read the book, or eat the dish, or visit the place or whatever BEFORE I die. There’s a blindingly obvious reason why I won’t be doing it AFTER I die. I’ll be fucking DEAD.
Stupid cunts.
Nominated by Ron Knee.
I resent being told by a book what films to watch, places I should visit, what music I should listen to..
Fuck that.
Books are written by speccy little bedwetters who’ve never had a girlfriend.
I’m more than capable of making up my own mind on these matters.
Films? Anything with Clint Eastwood starring and Kes.
Music , Led Zeppelin 3.
If I get bored led Zeppelin 2. Or 1.
Places to visit? I don’t want to visit other countries.
They smell.
As you can imagine my library is a modest affair
Consisting of vintage Razzle, Viz , and a hardback copy of Rupert.
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Ps
As for a book on food?
May as well just send me a menu from the chippy.
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Cod, Chips and mushy peas
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That’s in chapter 2.😂
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Modest yet comprehensive.
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What I would like to see or do before I die will never happen 😢
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Actually one might happen, Diane Abbott shatting herself in the HoC
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A 1001 films?
Fuckin ell.
The cunt must be unemployed.
Stick Jason and the Argonauts on and bin the book.
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He wrote it in prison I bet?
Probably for stealing videos from Blockbusters.
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I’ve got the largest turd inside me and won’t be able to release it before I die.
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You’ve eaten Lammy?
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A hundred places to masturbate before you die? It’s all about timing isn’t it and proper planning. If you do the electric chair anything but last it’s game over and an incomplete list.
Electric Jizz Slinger.
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A Republic….!
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https://www.gbnews.com/royal/king-charles-royal-news-nhs-hospital-controversy
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Parasites.
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I bet the arty farty bellends who compose these lists missed off Police Academy and Animal House, not art house noir enough. Need strangling with their own turtlenecked jumper!
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Bet Smokey and the bandits overlooked too.☹️
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And Fight Club.
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And a clockwork orange
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A 1001 mean and spiteful pranks is a book I’d cherish.
With chapters on how to fool Muslims into eating something containing pork.
A chapter on how to trigger social justice warriors and make them cry.
What items cause serious stomach upsets.
A chapter on non lethal booby traps.
Stuff like that.
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I was once fixing a terminal on the counter in a McDonalds in a motorway services Mis, when a dark skinned fellow who obviously thought I was staff despite not sporting the uniform approached and asked me;
“Is the food halal mate?”
I replied;
Ooh yes mate, you’re quite safe here. Everything in the services is halal.”
I hope he found out the truth later.
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Good man Arfur!👍
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One film I’d recommend before you die is ‘Nuts in May’.
I prefer British films to yank shite.
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Let’s ask Ray shall we?
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Wes Streeting has ‘1001 Public Lavatories of Great Britain’ on his coffee table.
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Ah, that’s the one with a foreword penned by one ‘Charles Lynton’… allegedly. Ahem.
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I bet he’s had worse than that on his coffee table. It’s not glass topped is it?
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You’ll like this…!
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0419677/?ref_=ext_shr
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Filmed just up the road from me.
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Matlock Chris?
I used to play in Riber castle as a kid.
Loved that place, shame it deteriorated.
Cracking film too.👍
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Yep also went to Riber castle as a kid think it had a zoo this would be easy 70s and agree great film.
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It did have a zoo, but only European animals.
Story goes when it shut a keeper let the lynx free.
They also had wallabies that managed to escape.
Was a great day out in the 70s.
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Great watch ZM
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I’d like to meet all the nasty bastards and tell them what I think of them, before leaving this world they fucked up.
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No thanks, the only thing I want to see before I die is Tony blair tripping into a industrial wood chipper, while giving cherie a piggy back.
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When I’m on my deathbed I don’t wanna watch films.
Full of Hollyweird arse bandits with big white goofy teeth acting daft.
I just want to be left in some peace and some dignity while I ready myself for death.
No mithering cunts just on my tod.
Knowing my luck some fireworks spastic would start letting off air bombs just as I’m giving up the ghost.
Modern people can’t be quiet.
You take a few minutes and see.
As a scientific study if you like.
People can’t be quiet.
They’d be fucked in the loft with Anne Frank.
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That may actually have been her downfall.
Some relative who wouldn’t shut the fuck up for five fucking minutes brought the Gestapo to her door (loft).
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They can stick their lists up their arses.
What I’d like to see before they die is Westminster ablaze and 600 odd traitors hanged.
If mass deportation of foreign dung could also be arranged before the above go up in flames then all the better I say.
Then I could settle down. and watch The Adventures of Robin Hood in peace.
Fuck em.
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Including this remainer CUNT…!
BBC News – Rebuild post-Brexit relations with EU, says Bank boss
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cr5m7mp96l8o
🔥
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My first and only question:
What’s in it for that cunt’?
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I’ve decided I’m going to buck the trend, and not die.
There can be only one!
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Good man JP, sod going to the Superbowl or Ryder Cup, you can go and watch World Championship Dw@rf Wrestling or bar girls firing ping pong balls from their fannies on the Khao San Road, er so I’m told. Proper sports!
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Before I croak it I’d love to see the UK circa 1950’s to 80’s back 👍…..and for it to be frozen in time forever…aaah, and I say to myself what a wonderful 🌍….. Wake up! 98 more arrivals today 😩
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The overuse of the phrase “bucket list” gets on my knockers. It’s mainly used by right cunts who use Americanisms such as “yada yada yada” even though they’re British. Shit local radio Djs spring to mind. The sort of cunt who thought Steve Wright was funny.
Anyway, I’ve got one thing on my bucket list; r ape 😂
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Another couple of similar things get on my tits.
First is the ‘I’m a…’ whatever. ‘I’m a doctor, you should never drink more than a glass of wine a week’ sort of stuff.
Then there’s the ‘you’re doing it wrong’ thing; anything from how you make scrambled eggs to how you dig your garden. I even saw one in the Daily Fail (I think it was) that told me I was having a shit the wrong way. I kid you not.
Evening all.
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Dead right, Ron. I tend to go to the cinema while I am alive.
Some observations that might save fellow cunters disappointment: Anything with Tom Hanks in is shit. Anything with The Ritz Brothers in is shit. Tom Berenger films are shit, except for ‘Sniper’. Danny Kaye was fairly shit. Critics seemed to like Spencer Tracy but I thought he was quite shit. Films made after 2010 are very often shit.
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PS Good evening, everyone.
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Aye up TT.
Tom Hanks always has the expression of a severely constipated individual on his mug, like he’s been baking one for days. I hate him as an actor, but he says he’s a Villa supporter, so I suppose he gets a pass.
Danny Kaye was probably ok in his day, but his style has dated very badly I’d say.
Spence I rather like. Loved his films with Hepburn*, and ‘Bad Day At Black Rock’ still stands up all these years later.
*Excluding the puke inducing ‘Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner’, with that supercilious cunt Sidney Poitier.
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A Villa fan.eh? Call me a cynical cunt, but I am wary about most showbiz types claiming to be foorball fans. We at Old Trafford have had more than our fair share. Cunts like Angus Deayton, that fat bald Phil Mitchell cunt, Zoe Ball, Vic Reeves, that Ulriks trollop. that old cunt who shouted ‘I don’t be-leeeeve it!’. Rod Stewart* and that hubbarder weirdo Tom Cruise even turned for a United vs City game once.
I just wonder, how hot Hanks would be if he was asked about the likes of Cowans, Mortimer, Shaw, Morley, Withe, Geddis and all them.
*Rod Stewart now ‘supports’ Arsenal. Oh, he also ‘supports’ Celtic as well. Big conked old gloryhunting plastic jock cunt.
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To Sir With Love was a good film.
Lulu was in that.
Always thought she looked naughty.
Would have loved to given her a try….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahEMnbnAXuQ
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I think a much more useful book would be “1,001 films to watch AFTER you die”.
The list will be topped by every Whoopi Cushion Goldberg film. I’ll gladly make sure I’m dead before I watch anything with that talentless prolapsed-haemmorhoid faced race baiting lefty pavement ape in it.
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Whoopi Cushion has to be the most predictable, least versatile actress of all time. Whatever her role is, from being an alien to a ghost to a nun to a detective, she’s always the hip black smartass.
Now nobody will pay her to act anymore, she’s stinking out the airways on that American shit show chat show ‘The View’.
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Whoopi Goldturd is horrendous.
That Ghost is the biggest plie of shite committed to celluloid. Goldturd and Patrick Swizzle. A match made in Hell.
And Jumpin Jack Flash (the film, not the Stones 1968 classic) isn’t far behind. All that stereotypical black ‘sass’ and jiveass bollocks. Sister Act was fucking shit as well.
Seen one ‘feisty’ black woman, seen ’em all.
She looks lie a Gnu’s arse and all.
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My favourite Whoopi role. She’s one sassy, tough, kickass, smartass LAPD narc detective;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt84KDLwqgU
Should have been Oscars all round, but wasn’t for some reason. I’ve never been able to work out why.
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PS
May I cross ref that flick to ‘Cliché Film Props’, as it features Whoopi Cushion knocking a woman through a glass window and then into a swimming pool?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQd3cJaMMEc
It’s a grim watch, that film.
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If I wrote a book about things I want to do before I die, I’d be arrested and locked up for hate crimes.
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This ‘Before you die’ bollocks is like all other cilched crap that imfests today’s culture. Shite like ‘jaw dropping’ ‘GOAT’ and other such bullshit.
Also, any two bit nowt a pound cunt – whether it’s a lazy arsed surly footballer or some second fiddle from One Direction – is pronounced a ‘legend’ and an ‘icon’.Such accolades are cheap and easily chucked about these days. I remember when legends were Jimi Hendrix Johann Cruyff, Clint Eastwood and Elvis Presley.
Not some cunt from S Club 7 or Marcus fucking Rashford. Fuck that.
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The thing about films, books, music etc, that are “a must” is very subjective, though.
I like a nice, gory crime story, wereas Mis and LL enjoy a gentler tale, like those published by Mills and Boon, and I know for a fact that Thomas has a subscription to Crochet Weekly.
Can’t do owt to me lads, I’m immortal.
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Know what you mean JP.
And of course tastes can change over time. When I was in my teens my favourite reading material was ‘Mayfair’; a class publication in its day.
Now I’m older and I’ve entered the computer age, and just love ‘xHamster’.
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You’re not far off the mark JP, I read the Hardy Boys when I was younger. Possibly considered far-right now.
Miserable was/is a fan of Sweet Valley High book series.
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My list of favourite films
Withnail & I
Dead man’s shoes
Treasure of the sierra madre
The vikings
This is England
Kes
Dirty Harry
Outlaw Josey Wales
Unforgiven
Old Henry
True Grit ( Jeff Bridges version)
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Oh and Young Frankenstein.
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An ‘whistle down the wind’.
He’s not jesus!!!
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Nuts in May surely!
Life of Brian not get a mention? Or too obvious for a connoisseur of your pedigree? 😉
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I’ve got a list called ‘1001 Faces I’d Like To Punch’, obviously before I die.
This list of luminaries includes Tony Bliar, Owen Jones, Kamala Harris, Yasmin Alibaba-Brown, Justin Welby, The Markles, David Tennant, Dawn Butler, Diane Abbott, Jeremy Corbyn, FreeGear Keir, Dave Whambamalammy, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Madonna, James Corden, Ed Davey, Nicola Sturgeon and Sam Smith.
On second thoughts, make that list ‘1001 Faces I’d Like To Punch Repeatedly’.
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Yeah Ron, Joy bloody Behar. The View is a bad if not worse than anything we have over here. I heard they even wore black for the episode following Trumps win. Ridiculous bunch of leftie crones.
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That race-baiting cunt Sunny Hostin is another case of sepsis on that show.
Don’t go there looking for objective comment. They should just rename it ‘The Lefty Woke View’ or something and be done with it. It makes ‘Loose Women’ look like Emmy material.
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