A Sore Arse

 

is a cunt.

So I went on a bender. Generally it does no harm, I just listens to Kevin Bloody Wilson and The Doors while a week or ten days pass and I et the urge to sober up and clean up the detritus surrounding me. This time I climbed out of bed to go plonk myself on the couch for a Netflix binge-fest and Chech and Chong remedy and ‘0wie’. Pain shot up my tailbone. I must have smashed it getting on and off the bog. Unless I have suddenly developed a degenerative disease.

I am used to disability. I had a stroke when I was thirty one; completely paralysed while pregnant but because I’m a legend I recovered and had three more kids to the two I was already responsible for. They’re all rotten teenagers now and one got groomed by the trannies and another by the Mexican cartels who addict and recruit in the ‘burbs of California. After being in a constant state of paranoia from two no-knock raids by CA’s fully armed police looking to link my fentanyl addicted son to the death of another kid. First name basis with the head of the DEA. No support from the ex. And doing a 25 hour round trip with a methed up opioid addict kid on the come-down to get him to rehab. I removed myself from my marriage to reduce the level of chaos. To Austin, Texas. Generally I have no complaints. Except my bum hurts and I don’t like to take pills. Got any recommendations or experience?

Nominated by CaliAngel.

55 thoughts on “A Sore Arse

  1. … Except my bum hurts and I don’t like to take pills. Got any recommendations or experience?
    Well, suppositories are a no-no then.
    💊💩

  2. Did you sniff a handkerchief proferred under your nose by a certain M. Barrymore?
    He may have been trying to wean himself off of mens’ botties to go elbow deep on a lady.
    Splendidly-worded nom, by the way! It sounds more like English than the most erudite Welshman can manage.

  3. No doubt about it you are hardcore, I sincerely hope that your life gets a big reduction in stress. As to the sore bum issue prep h may help but I’m a mentalist not a doctor, good luck.

  4. Horrible picture !!!

    Everyone gets this complaint now and again. I once had it about 5 years ago and the usual over the counter ointments would not get rid of it. The following week, in China, my brother in law referred me to his traditional Chinese doctor. He gave me a horrible tasting potion to drink. No application required to the sore area, just this noxious herbal drink. Within three days it had completely gone away.

    If Western medicine fails then give traditional Chinese medicine a try. It’s a 3000 year old tradition and in my experience reaches the parts Western medicine fails to reach, in this case the ass.

    • could send you clean round the drain, rather like Domestos, but then modern medical practices seem to want to entrap you into a profitable circle of dependence. And then thy say smack dealers are bad.

      Give it a gentle wash with warm water and mild soap. At least for a few seconds it will feel better.

      If you have been wiping your arse with sandpaper, try using a finer grit.

  5. All you need to do is, after a good shite, wash and soap your arse and tuck everything back that’s hanging out, then sit on a towel for a while. Once dried off, dress yourself, then you can have a comfortable sit down in front of the telly.

    • Forgotten to mention, alcohol makes your “Farmer Giles” worse. I don’t go out the same day I have a shite. You need to rest on your arse until the next day.

  6. “A Sore Arse”

    Many thanks – as Wes Streeting’s biographer I was looking for a title for the book and you have just given it to me. Good morning.

    • I had originally thought of “Piles Of Ambition” but Wessy duckie gave me the bums-rush on that one. I believe he thought I was using hurty words alluding to his haemorrhoids due to his having been buggered every day since Mandy had a go at him when he was 16.

  7. A real super 🔥 phal curry will take your mind off your ring piece, as you’ll be concentrating on the fire in your mouth/chest/gut areas 👍….🐒arse all forgotten as the spices get to work 🥵🌶️….Dr hotta trotta m.d.

    • Very true but your ring will b e on fire the next day. Nivea cream kept in the fridge and applied liberally will prevent your arse looking like a ww2 Japanese flag, in theory.

  8. I’ve just had my piles off. Your sore arse is fuck all compared to the hornets’ nest that is my ringpiece.

    Given the amount of whiskey and codeine I’ve consumed over the last week to take the edge off things, I should have shares in Laphroaig and GlaxoSmithcline. Also, I can barely walk and am having to sit on a rubber ring.

    Anyway, if you have the chance to have your ‘roids off, really fucking don’t. It’s not worth it.

  9. This thread reminds me of Nobby’s Piles in Viz i the 80’s. He was often depicted carrying a huge tube of something called “Preparation Arse”.

  10. That header pic reminds me of something I saw on a modern day fag packet. The pictures that are suppose to deter anyone from smoking.I had to look twice at it before I realised it wasn’t someones arse.

  11. Firstly, one is glad your still with us Cali Angel. Secondly the only effective relief I feel from acid ring sting is sitting on the cold steel bench at my work whilst I enjoy my first 5am durrie of the day, a moment of pure bliss. Get well soon dear lady.

  12. What helps my “Emma Freud’s” is not worrying, especially news items. The stupid fucking twat in down-and- out-street will be gone soon anyway. I’ll find out from you lads & lasses when the time comes.

    • A horrible experience Bob.

      Happened to me once, and it was a spray the toilet bowl job.

      Frightened the fucking life out of me; ‘this is it’ I thought, ‘the Big C’. As is always the case with these things, it happened at about ten o’clock on a Saturday night, and after phoning 111, I ended up for hours in A & E, which resembled the set of ‘The Walking Dead’.

      Turned out to be simply an exploding Chalfont, a diagnosis of which, perversely, I was actually extremely relieved to receive. Could have been so much worse.

      Afternoon all.

  13. Had a problem with the botty some years ago, bleeding on and off for a while.
    Eventually got to see a specialist at the local clinic for treatment.
    I was there lying on my side with a bright light shining up my arse and behind me I could hear the metallic clink and clank of various instruments being arranged which was unnerving.
    Eventually the Doctor had a closer look and said disappointed that I had a fissure and not piles.
    Still get occasional break outs but when it first happened, like Ron mentioned above you think it’s the big C.
    Plenty of roughage I advise.

  14. When I was younger, me and a mate (Jonathan Keyes) cycled from Newton Heath to Blackpool on our bikes. My arse was sore foe fucking weeks.. I was ony 14, and I was very daft.

    Jon still cycles to this day, I gave it up years ago and have no desire to start again.

  15. Cali@
    You’ve either been to Puff Daddys Halloween party
    Or you’ve just got worms.

    No big deal.
    I’m always getting them.
    Probably from eating something you found in the woods right?

    You can get worming tablets from a vet.
    Be good as new in a few days.

    Ps
    That picture of your arse looks like Hulk Hogan if he shaved his gay moustache off.

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