Modern Day Sweets/Candies

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Today`s Sweets` (Candies`) Woke Manufacturers … Are CUNTS.

Facts About Sweets.

There was a time, many years ago, when all was lovely and innocent in the world. Way back then, you could buy sweeties/candies which were bursting with sugar, e-numbers, chemicals and various other artificial and probably carcinogenic additives.

And they tasted fucking wonderful.😛

But now they aren’t allowed to put in anything that is not natural. They have to make fruity sweeties out of real fruit juice. They can`t use chemical dyes to coat the shiny shells of delicate confections so that would glow in the dark like they used to; a little bit uranium-enriched industrial colouring didn`t do us any harm.

Anyone remember the pink Tooty-Frooty®? Bearing no resemblance whatsoever to any actual fruit, it was the tastiest flavour in the packet.

Of course, others have been banned outright: All the cigarette/tobacco-type confections, naturally. So now they just flog vapes to the toddlers instead – much healthier and with more profit.

Gobstoppers: So fucking big you could barely fit one in your mouth – and you couldn`t crunch the bastards either so you had to suck them for days until they attained the perfect choking radius. Far too dangerous for today’s brats, you see.

Bitter lemon boiled sweets made with sulphuric acid so strong they would dissolve the lining of your mouth – and take a couple of teeth with them during the crunching stage.

Toffees so chewy and claggy that they used to extract your fillings.

All gone.

So nowadays what we`ve got is insipid nodules of blandness, in environmentally-friendly wrappers, obviously.

And they`re smaller, for twice the price.

I can`t tell you the amount of pleasure I used to get from an original sized Mars Bar®. Now it`s just a `finger of Fudge®`. They tasted OK too.

Cunts.

Nominated by : Sam Beau

114 thoughts on “Modern Day Sweets/Candies”

  1. Modern kids haven’t got the jaw strength or capacity to eat the sweets of our youth.

    Most would die.
    Gasping for air because a Wham bar had blocked their cleft palate.

    Anyone remember Maynards Sports mix?
    Used to love em!

    Bought some few weeks back.
    Rubbish.

    Like blobs of wax.😫

    All the healthy flavourings , E numbers, have been taken out leaving them joyless as a Quaker stag do.

    I’m truly heartbroken 💔

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    • Sports mixture and midget gems used to be very good and very hard. Nowadays, still defying political correctness from some makers but soft and taste like soap!

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  2. I used a Texan bar to remove a wobbly tooth in the late 70’s and used to love the original Soda Stream…with ‘Witch’s Brew”…a chemical concoction so glowingly poisonous, it looked like the shit that Herbert West injected into corpses in ‘Reanimator’!

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    • What the fuck ever happened to the Caramac? That’s what I want to know. That thing was so good, and yet so rich and sickly it was nigh-on impossible to finish an entire bar in one sitting.

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  4. 4 Black Jacks or 4 Fruit Salads for 1d (that’s an old penny to you whippersnappers). Sustained me on the way home from Junior School every day.

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  7. Gaaa, I can’t bear it when British people say, “candy”, or “candies”. It might be a Yank Halloween import.

    Does anybody remember Sweet Tobacco?

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    • Me too on the candy thing.
      Fucks that about?

      Anyone remember mcCowans highland toffee?
      Marvelous!!!

      You could use it to Jemmy up flagstones it was that robust

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      • Was that the one you had to break with a hammer mis?
        Pull a filling out within 30 seconds.

      • That’s the bastard.
        Picture of a cow on the wrapper.

        They did a rare banana flavour that was very nice if you found it in a 10p mix.

        🙁10p mix.

        Be about 3quid now.

  8. Used to love boost bars…it’s the one thing that I’m in short supply of at the moment with this bunch of retards in charge….😩 Oh and of course the previously mentioned blackjacks imagine the horror if they appeared on shelves now… oooooooooh waaaaaycist 🥳

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  9. Mondelez are the destroyers of everything we held dear in the world of chocolate and sweets.

    Once those yank cunts get their claws into something, it instantly turns to shit. They have the reverse Midas touch.

    Note how Dairy milk doesn’t say chocolate on the packaging any more. That’s because it now contains less than 25% cocoa. It is classed as candy. That’s those Mondelez cunts at work. They’re monsters!

    If anyone still likes Jelly babies, fruit pastilles, all sorts, jelly tots, Dolly mixture, humbugs, wine gums, chocolate limes, or fruit jellies, Tesco own brand knock spots off the crack that Maynards churn out these days.

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  10. Ones I liked best as a kid were Victory V lozenges which contained chloroform and ether. Suck two or three of them and you were on a trip. Used to buy a packet from the sweet shop on my way to the football match. Then someone in authority decided they were too enjoyable and the makers had to stop including those ingredients.

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    • As of last year, anything containing pholcodine was banned in UK, up until then one could walk into boots and ask for a bottle of pholcodine linctus, the one thing that actually worked for coughs short of eating way too much codeine.
      Pholcodine linctus was a great mixer for vodka based cocktails, one of its few ingredients was chloroform, and great as a replacement for simple sugar syrup.

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  12. In 10p mix they used to have these chocolate tools.
    Saws, hammers etc
    Absolutely delicious!

    Not seen them in over 40yr.

    Probably too practical and manly for modern kids?

    Chocolate puberty blockers or something now.

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    • Bazooka Joe bubblegum with the little carton inside.

      A quarter of strawberry bon bons, rainbow sherbet, cola cubes, army and navy, aniseed twists, rice paper, flying saucers, curly wurlys that were about a foot long.to a small child.

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  14. Dundee biscuits.

    Looked like summat out of a World War 2 ration pack.

    Splendid stuff,right up there with Spangles and those fake fags made out of rice paper and chocolate.

    Oh and sherbet dips

    The robbing cunts.

    Candy? Fuck Off.

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  15. Wagon wheels the size of car wheels, curly wurlys used as trenching ladders, yorkies not for girls.

    Everything is now shrunken down and devoid of flavour.. then the cunts stopped making topic bars..

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    • Because my hands have grown significantly since I was a kid, I had to be sure my memory wasn’t playing tricks on me. My my (whose hands are same size now as they were 35 years ago) confirmed for me that yes, Cadburys cream eggs have indeed shrunk.

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  16. Once when the chassis on our caravan broke we welded it using a drumstick lolly from swizzles Marlow.

    Cooling it once heated in a sherbet dibdab.

    Also used broken Parma violets as hardcore when laying his drive.

    Still smells of violets when it’s been raining.

    Can’t do that with yank sweets.

    Lasted years.

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  17. Honey peanut rings that would pull your fillings out.

    Chocolate buttons with hundreds and thousands on top, and octagonal box of Turkish delight at Christmas time.

    A trip to the seaside and a stick of rock that would break your teeth.

    Fizzbombs that were like taking a sheet of 60 grit sandpaper to the roof of your mouth.

    A night at the funfair with bags of coloured puffed rice laced with sugar.

    Candyfloss on a wooden stick that was twice the size of your head, made by some pikey with the dirtiest fingernails ever seen.

    A red sugar dummy on a ribbon.

    Winning a goldfish in a bag that would cark it inside of a week.

    Being a kid in the 70’s was fucking ace!

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    • Speaking of dental destruction, I’ve found that it’s often weather-related. In summer, bon bons can pull out fillings, in winter though, bon bons can break teeth.

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  18. I used to like Pineapple Chunks, little cubes, sugared all over. Now I can’t stand pineapple. It makes you wonder what they used to put in them.

    I wonder what sweets Kweer and his team like – I can see he himself settling for a Wurthers original, or perhaps a honey and menthol Tune if he is feeling a bit chesty. Chris Bryant and Streeting probably like a nice supply of Haribo in their pockets to offer to a likely lad – or perhaps Humbugs – they’re not so keen on the hum but they do enjoy the buggery. Many times……….

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    • Rodney was all about celebrations in July,he was like a hero on quality street.

      He thought this prime minister job would be a picnic.

      A quick twirl for the media would give his ratings a boost.

      It turns out Rodney has the munchies for bribes and maybe he fruit and nut for a piece of Muslim delight..wispa that last bit quietly.

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      • I must admit I used to be kinky for the Maynards Wine Gums, but they taste like jelly these days.

    • Much like anything banana flavoured, I’m no fan of either in their natural fruity form although a hollowed out pineapple filled with ice and rum on a hot day does make for a good day.

      Anything chemical banana or pineapple, gimme!

      Especially the banana flavoured, luminous yellow antibiotic liquid for kids of yesteryear. Everyone raves about calpol, gimme that sweet chemical antibiotic liquid any day!

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    • Also, we had red kola version of them as well. The same thing but red kola flavour. Much like a solid cube version of frosties I guess if anyone remembers those.

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  20. We as children were allowed to go into the shop and buy a smoking kit of cigars, cigarettes and matches, all of course made of liquorice

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  21. The chocolate all tastes like crap nowadays too – especially Cadbury which I believe was bought out by an American company and we all know why yanks have such better teeth than Brits…. it’s because American sweets are shit (no offence to any ISAC posters of the septic persuasion).

    I recently noticed that they’ve stopped doing Maoam Pinballs in Sainburys… probably because they were the only sweets in their entire confectionary section that tasted good and we can’t be having that now can we.

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  24. Irn bru bars, Roy of the rovers bars, highland toffee bars, all gone!

    Think wham bars might still exist in some watered down form but unsure.

    However, some of the nuclear coloured Scottish sweets I grew up with are still going strong, Soor plooms especially.

    Noticed “Moffat toffee” now produces some interesting coloured and flavoured versions it used to only be original and whisky flavour. Neither of which resembled or tasted like any form of toffee to anyone outside Moffat.

    In alternative sugary news, I note “Moray cup” has made a comeback.
    Anyone unfamiliar with that drink should be made aware it was very sugary and had the most hilarious of marketing, An Aberdeenshire red sugary fizzy drink, “fruit” flavour. Their marketing consisted of a couple of blacker than black characters sat opposite each other talking in local doric about quenching their thirst.

    Guessing now its all sweetener and no sugar.

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  25. We don’t have sweet shops like the way you do in the UK.

    Not enough Pákís I suspect.

    We have the street corners, obviously.

    Besides supermarkets, if you want to buy any sweets then you may find somewhere in a big shopping centre or a petrol garage.

    Besides the usual Mars bars and Twixes everything else is in bags and Haribo type of shite.

    Mrs Cunter found some English sweets in an English supermarket once.
    What she brought was familiar but inedible.

    The amount of sugar in your sweets is incredible.
    If you have gone without for a long while then you will really be horrified with the taste of UK shite sweets.

    Since being told that I have diabetes there are no sweets of any sort in Casa Cunter.

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  26. am i the only one who remembers rowntree splicer, was a kind of fruit flavoured bar with all the flavours “spliced” together. used to get one at the machine on a thursday night as a kid after swimming for 8p. also paynes fruittets were mega and rowntrees gold cup

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  27. Reminds me of some funny product names from around the world:

    https://www.thefreelibrary.com/KACK%2C+KRAPP+AND+PLOPP!%3B+Never+mind+the+quality+just+taste+that+name…-a061136528

    “ A Woman’s fingers trace the contours of a hunk’s freshly-shaved face. As her lips move closer, a sexy voice proclaims:

    “There is one aftershave that drives women really crazy. Its name is…Kevin.”

    Kevin? Yep, in SWITZERLAND Kevin is an inexplicable best-seller. London ad agency Interbrand keep a black museum of weird brand names, including Bimbo bread and Bonka coffee from SPAIN, Dribly and Pschitt lemonade from FRANCE.

    Bums! is a popular brand of biscuit in NORWAY, as are Nora Knackers crackers. SWEDEN rejoices in Krapp toilet paper and Plopp chocolate, as well as Skum marshmallows.

    In FINLAND, Kack and Kex are chocolate-bar favourites.”

    Anyone remember Spunk liquorice sweets? Maybe if you grew up in Denmark in the 70s

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    • Bimbo bread is indestructible.

      In thousands of year’s time there will be a cunt on the telly doing a Time Team type of programme.

      They will unearth tiny shards of pottery and decide that they are digging a high status villa……. Or a fucking temple.

      They will find a loaf of Bimbo, almost intact and will discover that it is still ‘fresh’.

      A bit like the honey that they find in tombs in Egypt.

      It will still taste fucking horrible.

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  28. Those sherbet things with the licorice ‘straw’ poking out the top, completely unwrapped (H & S hazard). Candy cigarettes (encouraging deadly habits), black jacks (racist), Freddo Frog ( Animal cruelty).
    Never mind, buy some Skittles and watch your kids go into overdrive, Kerching.
    You don’t see Sunny Delight nowadays, or Kia Ora (just for me and my dog, while i goes off to de ol’ plantation to pick cotton for massa).
    https://youtu.be/ZqXfuZ_Sk_E?si=IESbnPDVadziM36S

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  30. The pinnacle of taste in confectionary is The Old Jamaica chocolate bar.

    On a Friday (payday) when my dad came home from work he’d bring us kids a chocolate bar.

    Especially if a new one came on the market!
    I remember getting a Nutty bar, cabana, Yorkie .

    But my mam would have Old Jamaica ❤️

    Wed try and beg a piece.
    Sometimes she’d relent
    Other times hold firm an fuck us off.

    God, I couldn’t imagine anything more opulent,
    So luxurious as a bar of Old Jamaica to yourself .

    Probably big stars like Roger Moors or Joan Collins could afford a bar each?

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