Earlier today the wife and I had a ride out so that she could buy me lunch out of her premium bond winnings.
In the café we ended up in I was much taken with the idea of a bacon, lettuce and tomato toasted sandwich; at least that is, I found when it arrived that the bread had been liberally spread with guacamole. That snot substitute is bad enough on its own, never mind as a pollutant on a sandwich. To make matters worse, the guy at the next table ordered a tuna and cheddar cheese toastie with mayonnaise. The caff also had some horror described as a cheese, chives and Marmite scone on offer. Fuck me, who thought that one up?
There are some really weird combos about that people seem to enjoy. For instance my pal Big Al enjoys nothing more than bacon and eggs for breakfast, but with his own particular embellishments. He mashes a banana in milk to put on his bacon, and covers his eggs in strawberry or raspberry jam. Nothing as commonplace as tomato sauce for the big man.
I’m sure there are many horror food pairings out there, as people indulge their peculiar peccadilloes. The worst one I ever saw was that beloved of a pal at school, who would always save some gravy to put on his rice pudding when his mom made it for dessert.
Weird and wonderful. Must try this one of these days;
Looks great to dip your chips in, don’t you think?
Nominated by Ron Knee.
Hey Ron, you didn’t go to school with Miserable did you?
7
Yes, but don’t let on that I told you
7
Every fucking thing on sale in a caff is soaked, smeared or coated with fucking garlic. ( Cornflakes excepted )
6
I think Mis might have gone.
That would be a shame.
I was relying on him to organise my viking feast of remembrance. I’ve put money aside for the hire of a suitable venue, with roasted meats and bread trenches, serving wrenches and copious amounts of ale, etc.
Yes, yes. I know I’m Jewish, that doesn’t mean I can’t have a viking style send off.
3
Trenchers, not trenches
When I find the fool that invented autocorrect, imma killing him.
4
@JP
MNC has gone.
Said he was “bored of the site, same old noms.”
How long he’s gone for is anyone’s guess.
3
I do try, you know, to keep it interesting with noms about grotesques, weirdos and utterly repellent cunts.
I quite agree, there’s only so many noms about the stealth invasion, kick the ball and the other sports like, err, err….
3
JP, you do have an uncanny knack for digging up weirdos and meal deal injustices of course!
1
Can’t blame him really MJB. I said months back it was becoming stale and got bollocked by admin for it.
1
What the hell is that header pic about..
Shredded wheat, cheerios, rabbit pellets and the piss from a tramp.
The breakfast of angela rayner.. when she can’t get any peaceful jizz.
11
Felt the same about the pic, Barry.
Looks like barf after a night out on the curry followed by some cereal.
7
No, IY, not barf.
There’s no diced carrots in it.
1
Truly an Admin special to embellish the nom with Barry.
8
My little brother used to have peanut butter and HP brown sauce sarnies.
6
I invented the crisp and tomato sauce sandwich when I was a sprog. Try it – it’s actually very nice.
8
I love a salt and vinegar crisp sandwich. Great snack.
10
Cheese and marmalade toasties are nice just mind your gob on the volcanic marmalade.
0
What about the ‘Elvis Special’ Rik?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0v1zcpk0-FE
No wonder he died on the toilet.
9
I like a bap with peanut butter spread cheese reggae reggae sauce and a slice of vintage cheddar with a generous pinch of hot curry powder.
My A does not like this combo. Also stilton and salad cream.
Any cheese with lashings of English mustard (enough to burn your nose and make your eyes water) also tasty but I’ve always been an oddball cunt where food is concerned.
3
After an online session with his young friends, Huw Edwards likes nothing better than laver bread coated with his own creme de cum.
7
A white bread roll, buttered, four finger kit kat, ready salted crisps. Snack of champions.
5
Is that the Kit Kat and the crisps on the roll DC?
5
All assembled into a delicious treat RK.
4
I used to like buttered bread with after eight mints as a filling.
The very thought makes me shudder!
1
Good man DC!
Don’t know about you tho, but since the cunts took the Kit Kat out of its traditional foil and paper wrapper, the ambience just ain’t the same. I think it’s maybe psychological.
Have you ever tasted a Kit Kat in the States? They look and taste like fucking plywood. Absolutely disgusting.
4
For my sins the furthest abroad ive been is de republic of oireland so it is and jersey and guernsey so have never tasted a foreign kit kat, but i am still cross about toffee crisps not being so bobbly with the rice bits.
2
Reminds me of an old joke
What’s the difference between a kit kat and Joan Collins?
You only get four fingers in a kit kat.
I’ll get my coat…..
5
An oldie but goldie
2
Steak and Chips Ron, maybe a grilled tomato thrown in and if you want go all international a dash of French mustard.
I like a some caramelised onions with my sirloin or fillet, onion rings as a poor substitute 😂
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A meal to die for Sick!
7
Hehe, never saw a steak as a child, tatty ash made with god knows what meat and as treat banana butty 😢
4
We used to have gash with corned beef and onions in it.
My mouth still waters at the thought.
6
Jesus H thats ‘mash with corned beef and onions in it’!
Talk about a Freudian slip.
Mmm… thinking about it…
7
My lovely Mum used to make a stew using corned beef instead of stewing beef, same other ingredients, but cubed corned beef added at the very end.
Delicious, especially with a big Yorkshire pudding, or pancakes. Very warming on a Winters day, with Hendos, of course.
6
If you can find a bird willing to give it a go Ron I’ve got a couple of tins of corned beef I’ll donate or I can go up sainsbury’s and get a few slices of the real stuff off the deli.
1
Corned beef…. luxury 😂
5
There is that cordon bleu cunt on TV who has fucking snails in his porridge. Anything French usually has at least one disgusting ingredient that doesn’t go with the rest. Just enough to ruin it. If the French made pork pies, they would have to add a dash of prostitute’s fanny cheese. Dirty bastards.
9
I remember seeing some cunt chef who ran his own restaurant for rich poseurs somewhere in the Home Counties, who had bacon, egg and sausage ice cream on the dessert menu.
You had to know somebody to get into the place apparently.
7
Was it that Michael Caines? I hear he is a right old cunt. Should have stuck to playing gangsters.
7
My main meal on saturdays is chicken, potatoes, carrots with Heinz minestrone soup on top. Some people think that’s an odd combination but it works. I also eat raw tomato on cold toast.
5
I can’t remember Twenty, but he was a cunt whoever he was.
4
A tart near me would feed her five kids, to different fathers, sugar butties. I made sure she used brown sugar on my daughter’s.
3
The healthy eating option Sammy. Good man!
2
It’s the persistence and resilience of people in regard to food that I find fascinating.
Persistence as in with a turkey.
Simply stick one in an oven for several hours and it comes out tasting horrible.
It’s dry and bland.
So people try with shoving a pound of butter under various parts of the skin.
Nope, still fucking bland.
Try covering it with streaky bacon.
No, it’s still dry and horrible.
OK. What about butter, bacon and ramming a kilo of stuffing inside it.
Awful, the stuffing has soaked up all the moisture and is soggy as fuck and the meat is still dry.
So the experiments began with various sauces.
How many did they try before they discovered that the obscure cranberry could actually make turkey palatable?
Fuck that.
Have a leg of lamb or some pork instead.
Resilience as in with a Japanese puffer fish.
“How was the barbecue last night mate… Did you cook that weird fish that we caught?”
‘Well, it wasn’t a complete success.
I stuck the weird fish on the barbecue, cooked it properly and when I looked round everyone who ate it was dead’.
“Fuck, that’s terrible. What are you going to do?”
‘Well next time I will try boiling it’.
How many experiments and how many dead people did it take before it was discovered that you have to carefully cut out various parts of the puffer fish which are deadly poisonous.
To prepare this nightmare fish a chef needs extensive training and has to be licensed.
Even then many people die every year after eating it.
“What fish do you have on the menu tonight?”
‘We have puffer fish or cod. Which would you prefer?’
“Are you some sort of cunt?. I’ll have the cod. I came out for a nice meal with the wife and you expect me to play Russian roulette with a fucking fish?”
I’m amazed that they can sell any.
8
Roast the turkey upside down. The juices run down to the breast
4
You don’t go for cochinillo on Christmas day then SMP?
Fuck turkey, or yekrut as you cook it.
4
We eat a lot of pork and chicken throughout the year so Turkey or rib of beef for a change. Lady pirate is a good cook, never does dry yekrut
5
Nope, still dry as sawdust.
1
Guacamole? With bacon? In England?
The dirty, evil bastards.
9
Sad but true CC.
Mind you, I think the couple running the place were Poles, so maybe that explains it.
A great cake selection mind, although fuck knows where they got the idea for their cheese, chives and Marmite scones from. It’s unnatural.
7
Stick to the cakes by the sounds of it Ron.
Walnut cake or New York cheesecake for me.
4
NY lemon cheesecake. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
5
Sounds delish Ron. My peccadillo is toast with butter marmite and peanut butter for breakfast.
3
There are these abominations in Morrisons.
Pumpkin and Spinach Burgers.
And I can easily describe the sort of cunt who buys and eats them.
A vegan cunt (naturally).
Wears flip flops.
Goes to Glastonbury.
Has a WG Grace/Dubliners beard.
Drinks Soya Milk.
Listens to Mumford and Cunts.
Has a Hogwarts rucksack.
11
Also has a man bun and a wispy beard, and a CND and rainbow patches on his rucksack. Makes sure to drink two litres of filtered water every day.
7
Veggie grub = fucking awful always.
1
Until recently I DID drink soya milk – at work at least – thanks to reflux issues. Outside of work it was oatmilk. Fortunately normal semi skimmed milk seems to agree with me again.
1
I once saw someone eating pickled cucumber slices, thickly smeared with humus aka Satan’s mucus.
3
I like houmous but probably wouldn’t enjoy it like that
0
I used to have digestive biscuit bars wrapped in white bread when I was in secondary school
3
Used to love sugar butties when a nipper and also beef dripping luvvvverly…mind you we used to burn it off whilst playing outside, something that seems alien to today’s Xbox and gamer generation….oi fatty get off your arse 😩
6
In a similar vein to sugar butties I used to love Lyles Golden Syrup sandwiches.
1
There was a young man from Corfu,
Who ate nothing but cunt juice and spew.
If he couldn`t get that,
He ate what he shat –
And fucking good shit he shat too.
💩
7
Genius.
5
… W. Shakespeare, 1606.
Sonnet № 61 (after heavy mead intake and a few pipes with several droogies).
🚬🍺
3
Ho ho, excellent stuff, SB!
Did you ever read Raymond Briggs’ book “Fungus the Bogeyman” in the 80’s?
There was a rhyme on the first page:
Scabby, matted custard
Snot and bogey pie
Dead dog’s giblets
Cat’s green eye
Spread it on bread
Spread it on thick
Wash it all down
With a cup of cold sick
Yummy!
4
This is all quite unsettling.
I had to stop reading the nomination when I saw mention of guacamole.
I do hope you made it out in one piece Ron.
Dear me what were the mad cunts thinking?
3
Christ knows.
That green slime tastes like soap to me.
The guy in the caff came over to ask what we thought of the food, expecting, I think, to be told in that timid British way that ‘it’s fine thanks’.
He was mortified when I told him that he should show that the blt sandwich had guacamole on it on the menu, or advise customers if they ordered it. He offered to make me another, but I declined, on the basis that it’s a good way to get you sanny jizzed on.
5
I like guacamole but it has no place on a sandwich like that
1
I always assume that guacamole is infused with lashings of wetback spunk.
4
My eldest son has fucking vanilla milkshake with bacon bits in it, and this fucker gives me a hard time for pineapple on pizza.
Fucking milkshake with bacon in it, that’s got to be the worst bad food combo there is….
6
I always remember years ago, when in the works canteen of JLP, the head electrician would scoop his pudding on to the main course plate. Stew and spotted dick – Yum!😃
1
This year, at the Canadian National Expo you can purchase a deep fried combination of pickles & Oreos. (pickled mini cucumbers)
Doesn’t sound too appetizing, to me, at least.
3
About as appetising as chocolate covered crisps;
https://www.browneyedbaker.com/chocolate-covered-potato-chips-recipe/
2
Walkers had chilli chocolate crisps for a time. The competition they were part of was won by Builder’s Breakfast – a dearly missed (by me at least) flavour which needs to be brought back.
1
I had to stop reading this nomination and the subsequent comments.
It’s too disgustingly righteous for my taste.
However, there is something to look forward to. All these disgusting food combos will disappear when the Liebor Dictatorship implements its Brave New One World Order Dietary Mandate.
Fried grasshoppers with sauteed lemon grass.
Roasted grubs and quinoa.
Circada salad with fire ants.
Earthworms and tofu in sriracha sauce.
And of course…pickled garden slugs.
YUM!
6
Don’t go there General; it’ll give the cunts ideas.
3
Hey Ron,
I’m afraid the cunts already have the ideas. All they need now is a reason to implement them. Like say…an electoral mandate.
Boiled caterpillar with vinegar with wok fried tsetse fly served over bitter vetch.
4
Well, I think chicken and chorizo is an abomination, yet our local Co-op has an Extra Special chicken, king prawn paella ( so far, so good), with chorizo.
Why? For the love of God, why?
0
If it was just prawn and chorizo I’d be all over that. I usually prefer seafood to meat.
1
The combinations are salty and sweet.
What Rodney gets fired over his gormless face by mandy mandelson and tone most mornings..
1
A B.L.T? I have not seen a decent one for a long while now; the bacon is usually full of fat, the lettuce is skank & off colour, & the tomato is chewy, with no flavour. If you want to give yourself a fright, just peel the bread back, & have a good look inside, I guarantee you won’t be going back for seconds, that’s if you actually still have an appetite!
2
There’s a solution mi’Lord.
Make your own.
I used smoked bacon medallions, fresh little gem lettuce and beefsteak tomato on a ciabatta fresh from the oven ( yes, it is one of those part-baked, finish at home).
3
I often do. It works out much cheaper as well. Great with a nice length of still warm French Stick.
2
As I used to say, when I still had a full set of teeth!
1
Would those be kosher smoked bacon medallions, JP? I prefer the halal ones.
1
Kosher? Who the fuck can be bothered with that shite?
Not me.
2
A little shop near us that has been open since the end of the war still does the best sausage and egg barm going.
Not like that ‘Maccy Dees’ guff. Three proper beef sausages, and a big fried egg. Red or brown sauce optional. Food of the gods. Nectar.
7
I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but Greggs actually do a decent breakfast sarnie, but get there early while it’s fresh.
2
Their sausage rolls are the biz, but the robdogs have put them up to £1.25.
6
Criminals, Ron!
5
At my Victorian boarding school, I used greatly to enjoy my breakfast sausages with butter (available but in mean portions) and marmalade. I found no other use for marmalade, in fact. Sharwood’s curry powder added much-needed interest to the tasteless mince at the same establishment.
3
I remember a competition in school on this very subject. Kidney & Cough Linctus won, though technically that isn’t a combination of food. Stupid school!
1
Horse spunk is lovely according to Tim Walz. Allegedly.
0
Back in the 60’s my sister’s boyfriend had a lime jelly sarnie. I can still remember it oozing out of the sides…..
0
Actually I quite like cheese and marmite…
2
Morning Dio.
Nice to see you back on!
2
Cheese and marmite, splendid combo sir.
0
Great combo, especially on toast.
0
A late addition to the nom,but check this out;
https://www.dailystar.co.uk/real-life/i-tried-ice-cream-russian-33402723
Piccalilli? Baked Beans? Sarson’s vinegar???
Fuck off.
0