Unwelcome Amateur Weather Forecasting

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People who can’t wait to tell you the weather forecast are a cunt.

I’m a ‘take each day as it comes’ kind of fella and I choose to avoid weather forecasts if I can.

As I’m not a fisherman, roofer, builder or landscape gardener, my job isn’t weather dependent so if I wake and the sun is shining – great. If I wake and the sun isn’t shining or it’s pissing it down – not so great.

However I tend not to try and dwell on it too much and choose to live in the perhaps naive hope, that it’ll change for the better the following day.

Which brings me to the next door neighbour. A retired man in his early 70s who is only happy being eternally miserable.

If he catches me leaving for work on a sunny morning with a spring in my step, he can’t wait to ambush me with the weather forecast.

“It’s gonna break.” he’ll say.
Or “it’s not gonna last!”

During the darker months when it pisses down perpetually and I’m depressed as fuck, he’s there to collar me when I’m getting back from work or from walking the dog in the evening.

“Oh this is on for the rest of the week!” he’ll cheerfully inform me.

I’ve told him on a number of occasions thanks but I don’t really bother with weather forecasts.

Yet he still can’t help getting all John Kettley on me when I least expect it.

He’s very much far from being alone in this British phenomenon mind.

A client only yesterday, (a nice sunny day – surprisingly) couldn’t wait to tell me “it’s not going to last”

If I want a weather forecast then I’ll have a look or a listen for myself, otherwise, fuck off.

Nominated by : Herman Jelmet

45 thoughts on “Unwelcome Amateur Weather Forecasting”

  1. What a utter bastard.

    Being friendly and making small talk.
    Throw boiling water in his face Herman.

    Some fuckin neighbour said good morning to me once.
    I reported him for sexual harassment.

    That stopped him.
    The nutter.

  3. He’s probably senile, Herman.

    Just nod and give a little shrug, can’t go wrong with that response, and it’ll make his day.

    • Been raining in Sunny Sheffield, Herman.
      For about 8 minutes.
      At least I won’t have to water the newly seeded garden.

  4. ” it’s not gonna last” i said that to the girlfriend last night..

    And It didn’t I ate the last piece of prawn toast..

  7. Forties, Forth, Tyne, Dogger
    South or South West, 4 or 5, showers, good, occasionally moderate.

    Just thought you’d like to know, Herman.

  8. I’m on the side of the old curmudgeon next door, I don’t like to see anyone with a spring in their step either.
    Never mind the weather, I’ve now moved on to telling people there is a world war coming.
    That will sort Mr Jollyfucker out, don’t worry about overcast, wait till we get months of incessant acid rain, and no real daylight either.
    Happy people make me sick.

    • The state of perpetual war will intensify, and the NHS is going to become inundated with cancers and heart problems from the lockdown and slack recovery of diagnostic services, relative to France and Germany.

      England will also return home without a trophy

  9. Morning H Jelmet,
    You could always fox your neighbour into thinking whether he’s going to be right or not. In writing of course.

  10. When I lived in the UK I used to try and escape from the horrible weather as often as I could afford.

    Long haul, to obscure places was my favourite.

    There was always some cunt trying to outdo us with their stories of the weather.

    “You should have been here last week. It was a heat wave.
    The hottest it’s been for 50 years”.

    Yes you cunt.
    The weather this week is exactly the same as it was last week and exactly the same as it always is at this time of year.

    You just felt it more coming from a cold climate and now you are getting used to it.

    The airports here always try to impress visitors by displaying an outside temperature at least a few degrees higher than it actually is.
    Most farmacias have a digital display on a pole outside which is set to do the same thing.

    “When we arrived it was 39 degrees!”

    Don’t be a cunt. We live here and the weather has never been 39 degrees in April.

    Then they try to tell you that the particular shit hole resort has a special micro climate.

    Fuck off.
    Use Google.
    Type any Spanish resort into the search followed by ‘micro climate’.
    You will get dozens of results each time and they are all bollocks.

    Then there are the silly cunts who have their outside thermometers in direct sunlight.

    “We have a proper little sun trap. On our terrace it was 45 degrees yesterday”.

    So your shitty little terrace just happens to be the hottest place in the whole of Spain?
    Because if you took the time to watch the weather forecast on the telly, and if you could actually understand what was being said, you would know that the highest temperature here yesterday was 24.

    You cunts.

  12. Best thing about living in the UK is the weather. Rain, snow, high winds, bad weather? Do fuck off. I’ve stood on a Welsh mountain where I’ve taken a piss leaning back against the wind at a ridiculous angle and watched as it blew off to land somewhere in the next valley. I’ve been on short finals to land in a Cessna when I’ve only got 110 horse power available and the wind was gusting viciously, air traffic reading to me the wind speed and direction continuously all the way down. I spent nearly all my working life on the road, nothing like going through bends and roundabouts in the wet with the tail out looking for the limit. Or driving over the Chilterns at speed in practically white-out conditions finding the edge of the lane by listening and feeling for the tyres over the cat’s eyes. Retire to Spain? Nothing personal Artful, but not for me.

    • I would never knock England Arfur.

      It has some beautiful parts and the perfect working climate.
      Perfect because the weather is so shit that you don’t mind going to work.

      But driving through snow and seeing my piss getting blown away in a gale no longer interests me.

      Also, what you pay there for what you get makes no sense at all.

      Each to their own.

      Here’s a few reasons why I live here….

      I am currently sitting on my roof terrace overlooking the Mediterranean and the beach.
      There are hundreds of naked and near naked girls here today.
      Plenty of guys for Mrs Cunter’s enjoyment too.

      I am smoking my Benson’s at 6,50 euros a packet and I will have a very reasonable bottle of wine, brought for less than 3 euros with a BBQ lunch.

      I will take Mrs Cunter out later for a Chinese.
      The best restaurant is a 20 minute drive away on empty roads.
      For the 2 of us, with drinks the bill will be less than 30 euros.
      My fully comprehensive insurance for the car is less than 200 euros a year.

      Our electricity bill for the month will be about 70 euros.
      Our Suma (Council tax) for the year is 120 euros.

      It’s not just the weather which is the attraction.

      • The fact I enjoy the weather here Artful probably just means that I’m unhinged, though I must admit I find the prospect of scantily clad women attractive. I’ve seen women topless on the beach in Cornwall but it’s a rare sight, just too bloody cold I think. Your point about the cost of living though is inarguable. Our energy bil is almost three times yours and our rates are more than 27 times yours! That and the service declines by the week and the local authorities are all going bankrupt. As a friend of mine put it many years ago, in the UK we live in a high price, low wage economy.

      • We’re being ripped off in the UK at every turn. Not surprising since anything important is owned by foreigners who use us to subsidise their own population. UK owned companies just rip us off for personal gain.

  13. There’s going to be a change at 3pm, depending on whether administration allow it or not.

  15. Sorry Herman, but .. welcome to Britain.

    ‘Hot enough for yer!’

    ‘It’s pissing/hammering down out there!’

    ‘Icy on the roads tonight. snow coming in!’

    ‘Rain coming in. Thunder and lightning!’

    ‘Let’s hope for some rain’

    ‘Hot last night, weren’t it? Hot today as well’.

  16. The BBC Weather Man. Bringing false hope to those of us planning BBQ’s for 50 years.

  17. Amateur weather forecasting applies to the BBC, those spendthrift cunts would be better off with a piece of seaweed and a nail..

    Global boiling.. only of piss…

  18. Thought I’d let you know about the weather. Its been the same since time immemorial. Sorry if you silly cunts think differently.

    • And in other weather news,,,

      Rain is wet,

      Sunshine is warm.

      Unless it’s the BBC then it’s Calamitous floods, not seen since the ark was built and if the suns out then it’s a red heat warning and global warming.

  19. Just think, how many weather presenters the BBC employ on national and local programmes all getting it wrong….🌧️
    I can think of no other job were you would still be paid for getting it wrong.

    Apart obviously from fucking politicians…💩

  20. There was one years ago. Bill Fogget or some such. Used to get wheeled out on local BBC news to predict a cold winter or hot summer based on the amount of berries on bushes or how soon he heard a cuckoo in spring.

    Utter bollocks.

    As for cheery neighbours, I’ve been pissing on their bonhomie by saying.. ‘never mind, only xx days still Starmers lot get in and make you house an illegal in your spare room, and tax you for the privellage’

    That soon shuts the fuckers up.

  21. Talking about the weather is the epitome of being a Englishman.

    No one can do it like us.

    And the worse the weather the more we want to discuss it.

    Count yourself lucky Herman that I’m not your neighbour.

    You ignored me I’d shout through your letterbox

    “BIT OVERCAST. LOOKS LIKE RAIN”

    Weather is the most interesting topic of conversation you can have

    • It’s a sort of social thing, isn’t it?

      You see the same people every day when you dog walk.

      First you start with a nod. My chu is a nervous little shit, so I always move him out of the way of oncoming dogs.

      Then some regulars take their dogs out of the way of your nervous little shit, so you say thank you.

      Then it escalates to a “good morning”, and before you know it, you’re onto the weather!

      They’ll be tapping me for a loan, next!

      • It’s the part of social interaction we all play in the name of civilization.

        As JP says, walking the dog In the morning
        Old dear
        ” hello, looks like rains on the way”

        MNC ” how do Luv, yes British summertime at its best eh?”

        We are just acting parts.

        I’ve got eyes in my fuckin head.
        I don’t need some old crone to tell me the dark clouds rolling in mean it’s going to piss it down.
        It’s blatantly obvious.

        Were just being polite to each other.

  22. Your neighbore sounds like a “glass half broken” sort of chap, if you get my drift…

  23. Well, it rained in Sheffield for about 8 minutes, and it’s not been sunny!

    I want my money back! I demand reperations because I live in England and the weather I expected hasn’t been delivered!

    Also, we’re due another heatwave ( another? When was the first one?) in mid July when it will reach 20c, even as much as 25c in some places!
    That’s a heatwave?

    Do fuck off, there’s a good idiot!

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