is a cunt.
Strap yourself in for a market leading service experience – leading the market in treating you like shit and playing the victim card to relinquish oneself of any duty of care to the customer, that is.
Whenever I hear this message when on hold on the telephone, or spot the sign in a (usually endlessly long) queue, I know I might as well give up now.
Yes this is the strategy for the ultimate corporate fuck you amongst big business that knows it’s got you by the balls. Had a bad product or service experience? No problem, get in touch with our dedicated customer care line, where we will do our best to make it clear we couldn’t give a shit and goad you into snapping at us, at which point we’ll pompously inform you we are terminating the call as we will not tolerate any abusive behaviour, despite the fact we are doing the customer service equivalent of shitting on your head.
We recently bought two brand new commercial vehicles from a well known international vehicle manufacturer. We had issues with a deflating tyre on one of them, but the second one the gearbox failed whilst 350 miles from base and with less than a thousand miles on the clock, three weeks out of the factory. Ts and Cs said it should be recovered under warranty to a dealership of our choosing – but when urgently contacting the ironically named “Customer assistance” line, we were put on hold for an hour during which the above message was ominously played on loop over and over again, before being told flat out by some officious little cunt that they were not going to honour the ts and cs and the vehicle would be recovered to a nearby dealership, tough shit, travel the 350 miles back north and get it when it’s fixed. If my hand could have reached down the telephone line I’d have ripped out the little Hitt-lers larynx, but found myself resigned to the fact that I was only going to make a bad situation impossible if I transgressed the no-abuse rule. So scandalously shit service won the day, masquerading under the virtuous pledge “we value you as a customer and are doing our best for you, but if you don’t like it…”
As a small business owner, if I treated my customers like this I’d be out on the streets overnight. So what the fuck gives big business the right to play by a completely different set of rules??
I invite the ISAC community to determine what reforms to big brand customer service they’d like to see in the future…
Nominated by Balsamic Dave.
It’s a numbers game ….and you are zero on that list …please hold,hold,hold,hold,📞….even the 🎶is shit
9
The cunts at Paddington station have a tannoy announcement that begins ‘Do not be a victim of crime..’ Presumably this means that if some cunt nicks your stuff or knifes you, you needn’t expect the cunts to help as you have been warned and it will be your own fucking fault.
Good afternoon, everyone.
11
‘Your call is important to us’ can be translated as ‘You’re an irritating cunt and we’ve got your money, so fuck off’.
16
If you are with Three mobile and coming to the end of your contract, DO NOT use customer care line to renew it and order a new phone. They are all Indians who have very poor English and do not seem to understand cause and effect, snd there’s about seven different departments they will pass you around for 90 mins until you call them useless cunts.
Just go to the nearest high street shop and speak to the English lads.
I do wonder if these signs/warnings are there because they know the staff/call handlers are wage slave retards.
My local surgery has one such verbal warning on its telephone system. The surgery is a good one but i suppose it’s the nature of healthcare; they’re patients rather than customers and can become frantic if something goes wrong, although a couple of the receptionsists don’t seem in a rush to do anything when there’s a queue out the door.
8
This thing of “support” Cuntamus from people with limited English sometimes gives hilarious results. We had a problem recently where Thames Water said we were suddenly using a lot more water. I had a telephone conversation with some East European at TW during which he asked if I had been using a hose in the garden. I told him that the lawn was watered when it rained. I discovered later that he had entered on TW’s system that when it rained I got the hose out and watered the lawn! As they say, you couldn’t make it up.
8
Lol….ish.
4
OT: Please get the DP up so I can FINALLY beat Shaun to Alan Hansen.
3
He’s not dead yet.
6
Right bleedin little vulture!
Poor ol’ Alan,
Hey Opey, it’s classed as cheating if you hold a pillow over his face.😂
5
OC on the grassy knoll.
6
Why can’t you get through on the phone to a human being anymore?
Why can’t you get paper statements for insurance firms?
I don’t want to open a ‘ online account ”
I want a clearly printed paper statement.
Look you fuckin tree huggers I don’t care if it environmentally better (which I doubt)
Give it me in a paper copy.
Or you can whistle for your monthly payments.
Cheeky green cunts
9
I didn’t make this the pithiest of noms, it’s quite boring now I read it back, but I think we all get the gist.
Especially since Covid, big business has fisted you up to the elbow with one arm, whilst dabbing its delicate weepy eyes with a hanky with the other. Most of the time whilst lecturing you on trannies and bleks.
Trouble is if you boycotted every big corporate that behaved like a cunt you’d be buying everything from the Cats Protection League.
If IAC did big business…
11
I have every sympathy Dave and I imagine so have most folks who post on here. There can’t be many of us who have not been on the receiving end of such shabby treatment by companies who want our money. We are ruthless and have a list of companies we avoid dealing with following bad service and/or poor or faulty products. I would suggest you tell us the name of the vehicle manufacturer and dealer in this case. Also when you take your business elsewhere if they come after you to ask why DON’T tell them. A good rant may be very satisfying but you’re helping them out. Leave them in ignorance and hopefully they will go broke.
5
Thinking about it we take the same line with companies who stuff their adverts with as you put it “trannies and bleks” and all the other fucking misfits. Shop elsewhere, don’t tell ’em why!
5
Afternoon arfur, you’re absolutely right, I don’t know why I was coy about it – Citroen in fact.
I have actually escalated it to the CEO fwiw and they’ve been forced to conduct an investigation…which will no doubt come back with a nice big corporate fuck you. Having said that, I have made various menacing insinuations about reputational damage which I’m sure they wouldn’t want to be shared with the press, which might focus their minds. A client and friend of mine – very wealthy but very confident bloke – once had the CEO of BT begging for mercy via such tactics, so I’m seeking guidance from him on just how to make a bigwig squirm…
And completely echo the boycott list – mine is longer than War and Peace
8
I like a pithy nom but this one, in its quotidian earnestness, is still serviceable and resonates with the man-on-the-street.
3 stars.
7
Cheers CP, I will try harder in the future 😂
4
3 stars is good, Dave.
5 stars from me is rarer than rocking horse shit. My reviews are notoriously stingy. I failed to read the room at college and my appraisals of fellow students’ efforts were not exactly effusive.
No sex on offer from my classmates after that, even the guys.
2
Well I am honoured and owe you a metaphorical blowie to acknowledge your picking me out with a moderate rating amongst all the munters CP!
As for college, I was a complete sexual inadequate in those days, ended up popping my cherry to a big black momma at 21 just before graduation. Fuck me it makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure looking back now.
These days I’m glad to say I’m just a complete sexual failure and I don’t have the energy to give a fuck.
2
I’m always left feeling that i should thank them for pissing on my head and shitting in my pocket.
Must be Stockholm syndrome or something.
5
Live chats are sometimes a viable alternative. However, I now see “chat bots” where you type and click to a fucking machine with pre-programmed ways to say “Go fuck off”.
The world we live in has been drained of integrity so this is reflected in how companies treat their customers and employees.
I love giving personal attention to my clients so I stay a small business to maintain that. Money isn’t everything. Reputation is. Keep your reputation intact and you will always be busy.
9
Good man MC, agree completely. I wish you every success.
4
All this we value your custom and I’m fisting our service manager right now to get a date please hold. This is all fucking bollocks. Meaningless shite to fill the time you’re stuck on the bloody phone. I doubt if they give a flying fuck about the people who pay their Fucking wages .
Top it all the second you leave their preferred narrative your call is terminated.
Just part of modern life you suck it and seethe
6
Virgin Media springs to mind. They play the shittiest music when on hold that would be classed as torture at GITMO.
Another thing all these cunts seem to have in common is that their websites don’t have a clear and concise link to customers services email, telephone number or physical contact address.
Virgin do not have an email, they expect you to talk with a bot.
John Lewis, BT, Amazon to name but a few are guilty of this cuntishness.
4
Wow,l thought EE had the crappest of the crap ‘musical’ offerings but changing my internet recently to 02,l was surprised to hear Led Zepp’s -Bron-y-aur trilling on the shops speakers.
Maybe there’s some profiling algorithm in play? Highly incongruous to say the least.
3
EE adverts are full of blacks and poofs (mind you, they all are now). I remarked to Lady C the other day that I had witnessed a whole advert with a regular white family – how did that slip through?
5
My local surgery now plays ‘on-hold’ music that sounds like Eric Clapton and Jean-Michel Jarre jamming in an airliner’s water closet..
1
I’m a Sly customer. You know, the tv company who don’t give a fuck about individual tastes such as class. Guess who they put me through to on answering my queries ? Only the ones with accents that match the biggest scamming corporation in the entire world ! They don’t now, after I’ve finished shouting and bawling at the recorded message. The only good thing is that I’m put straight through because of being a valid customer. I only ring them to get all their faults off my chest, besides having a go and the yanks that now run the organisation.
5
Hehe, Sky are cunts, having been with them for a few years they tried to rip me off and one of the customer service cunts tried to talk down to me. That was it, fine you don’t want my custom, then fuck off.
Since then I have been bombarded with offers to come back, sorry you only get one chance with me.
3
Citroens?
4
Anyone who is in business will tell you,
You have to stand out from you’re competition.
And you have to keep the customers interested.
All my customers are given a numbered corky cricket ball.
And the first one who can split Nigel Farages head open wins £50 .
I’m like Stockport’s answer to P.T.Barnum👍
6
Indeed Miserable.
Be versatile!
Work in the nude.
My ‘Wellies only Wednesday’ deal are very popular. The pensioners love it!
4
I should be one of them business consultant cunts or in marketing me LL.
Full of ideas!
Always thinking,
Always looking for a opportunity.
Should be one of those Dragons den twats
2
Very true Mis.
Victoria Thomas-Bowen gives a free gift to all her in-person customers.
Syphilis.
6
Are you immune if you’re already had it once before Geordie?
Asking for a mate
3
Anything over a hundred quid I buy on my credit card..if it fucks up I go straight to the card company and use the Consumer Credit Act..the card company is liable by law to issue a full refund for faulty or goods not as described.
A lesson learned by trying to navigate what passes for customer service by just about any company you care to name.
Corporate Cunts for Oven.
3
This is a very good point – we bought the vans cash thinking we’re being good little citizens not accruing debt; it was pointed out if we’d got them on finance we could have just rejected them. I’ll be doing that in the future
4
That’s what I do. The credit card company can go after the bastards, and they will.
4
I long for the old days, when you could go into an actual shop and complain in a loud, informed and forceful manner to a member of staff, who inevitably said” just a moment sir” I’ll go get the manager…game on….!
9
Nowadays you have to wait round the back to catch the cunt trying to sneak off.
3
I agree. Having been in retail for more years than I can care to remember working for several local businesses I have always found dealing with smaller local businesses where as a customer you are needed rather than a pain in the arse is most beneficial should you have a problem. Before all this automated online bollocks you went in store and complained and you could actually talk to someone who had the authority (and intelligence) to make decisions. Now, even if you deal with local small businesses the managers have no understanding how to talk to people, no nothing of the consequences of their decisions, don’t give a fuck and all look about 12 years old.
30 years ago, if my company received a complaint about me, rest assured I was seriously bollocked and the customer was always right (even if secretly they were wrong) Now it’s all about points scoring over the people that pay their wages.
4
Chuff, don’t get me wrong, as a small business owner, I absolutely treat a genuine customer grievance with due respect. But the difference is I’m dealing with it – not farming it out to Mumbai.
If I think someone is being a cunt – not unusual in this world – I do very much enjoy telling them to get fucked; particularly as I supply a service they can’t get anywhere else.
So, perhaps to sound a bit schizophrenic, I don’t subscribe to the absolutism of “the customer is always right”, just that it makes good business and social sense to behave reasonably. But, equally, one of the indulgences of enduring the shite of running your own business, ought to occasionally be telling some complete cunt to fuck off 😂
6
Press #1 for orders
Press #2 for enquiries about an existing order
Press #3 for billing
Press #4 to speak to one of our brilliant agents
#4
You are in a queue
We estimate a 45 minute wait
Shit music ensues…
We’re sorry, our agents are busy right now. Please continue to hold. You can find answers to most questions on our website. double u double u dot cunt forward slash fucku. Did you know you can do most things on our app; download the app today.
Who in their right mind thinks this is a good system?! Arrrrghhh
Tree fell down on my lane and took the phone/broadband line out. Tried phoning and had the press this for something completely unrelated to why I’m calling menu, got held in a queue, similar to the above. Hung up and decided to ‘chat’ with the offshore customer service twats with the 1 bar of 3g I get standing at window on the second floor. They raised my fault and then told me it would be resolved by Thursday at midnight. But I have no mobile signal out here and because of this tree there is no landline and no broadband. What if I need the emergency services? Thursday by midnight madam. If I die it will be on your head. Yes I actually said that to them and then ended with “continuing this conversation is pointless, There is a disconnect between BT and OpenReach. Offering a 5 day wait in the year 2024 is a disgrace. Utterly broken. You don’t even care what kind of customer I am or if I die in a fire.” End conversation.
7
Take your money (cash, what were you thinking ?) elsewhere, two vans is a hefty sum. I’d be looking at the legal view of all this.. Did they do a deal for that cash ?
2