Life Extending Medical Treatments (LEMTS)


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In high dudgeon about this coffin dodging. NHS on its knees, my expectations are high with the nation’s sick laid out on trolleys in A&E corridors ignored by hospital staff for days but do they oblige? The fuck they do. The terminally ill do a Tyson Fury (the cunt) and pop open their eyes and stand up a second before the old ten count ends.

Old standbys like Aids no longer scythe down Celebs and Luvvies as in the glory days. A Dementia diagnosis just means years of food drooling from the mouth and shitting in pads but definitely not death. 
A cancer diagnosis while no doubt a salutary shock to the cunt involved can and usually does mean years of ringing that fucking bell before the happy event finally occurs.

In the old school NHS the mere mention of cancer was enough to be terminal while the cunt involved was subject to ever more invasive hacking out of the spreading nightmare in combination with brain boiling radiation and toxic chemo. The very mention of the dread diagnosis would send Yours Truly (and other cunts trying to steal my thunder – and remember cunts I never forget) rushing to get in there first and nominate my cunt. Then just like sex in later years, it never happens.

Regularly flick through my lists of past expectations looking for a forgotten runner and yes there are a lot there (which I am not about to reveal here) on trials of wonder drugs, gene therapy and surgery. Extended death and misery. My tip to those on death row, don’t fuck about with the grim reaper, get it over quickly. Besides which there are many interested parties wishing you well but do get on with it loves. Welcome over Igor, that untrained formerly East European medical assistant and accept that injection to take away your fear. Die for England and ISAC. You know it makes sense.

Health.org.

And finally may I include that tender sentiment so often bounced off my humble personage. “Fuck off and die”.

Nominated by : Sir Limply Stoke

87 thoughts on “Life Extending Medical Treatments (LEMTS)
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  1. I intend hanging on for as long as I can. I want to cost Generation Safe Space a sodding fortune. It’s what they deserve.

  2. Cheerful little fucker .😳

    If you have Cancer then it’s not like it used to be.
    My dad has bone marrow cancer.

    At one point told he had months to live.

    That was 10 years ago.

    Stem cell, trail drugs, chemo,
    He did the lot.

    One thing he had on his side,
    He’s a fighter,
    Never give up , never throw in the towel,
    He lives a good life,
    Doesn’t feel sorry for himself.
    Gets out an about.

    You got cancer than best of luck to you,
    It’s a horrible illness,
    More power to you
    And your loved ones.👍

    • Have you got time to get your pilot’s licence moggie?

      Or maybe the blackmans equivalent a bus licence…

      • Even on a doubledecker Route master, with it packed to capacity, you’d get maybe 150?

        Go to pilots school in America, they have a specialist pilots course and don’t think it’s strange that you’re not interested in learning how to land.

        What a bunch of fucking muppets.
        If being simple minded cretins were a criminal offence..

      • Just a small point Jeezum mate; capacity of a Routemaster is less than half of the figure you suggest.

      • Are you sure, arfur?

        Always seems like seventy twelve get off when I’m catching the bus home, from the Hell that is Sheffield City centre.

      • The figure I gave Jeezum was drawn from my experience sharing the roads in London with Routemasters for some years. I’ve been to check and the old open rear platform models had a capacity in the fifties with some small variation possible according to seat configuration. The shiny new “Routemasters” have a capacity in the eighties, again variable over a small range.

        Don’t know if you are aware but Routemaster was a brand name used by the manufacturer AEC who folded in the 1970s. As far as I know the new ones in London have no connection with the AEC built vehicles. If the buses in Sheffield are actual Routemasters they must be some decades old. That is certainly feasible since those originals used in London ran for half a century and famously outlived newer vehicles which were supposed to replace them.

  4. I’m fucking bored with life, and the cunts that now run the country.

    I just wanna go like my dad at 67…..went to put the bins out, heart exploded and bang- done. Knew nothing about it..no years of dribbling, arse wiping, medical procedures and humiliation, and I’m not far off his age when he went now.

    • My last surviving uncle went out that way.

      Less than a week before, taking about attitudes to the end, he said ‘ I just want to go to bed one night and wake up dead!’

      Found in bed, sitting up with his reading glasses on and the TV times open.

      Best way to exit, I would think.

  5. A worthy nomination.

    My dad’s dying of cancer at 77,never smoked nor boozed,kept himself in good nick.

    When the Reaper wants you that’s that..I’ve had a cornish pasty and 2 double rums for lunch.

    Just crack on and Good Health while it lasts.

  6. Increase your chances of a safe and effective exit with a viral vector or mRNA delivery system.

  7. He’s coming for ya, whether you fear him or not ….in your sleep 💤 surely has to be the ideal way after a few jars and a good fillet 🥩 ….any last requests ☠️

  8. What would Limply suggest? A Logan’s Run type society?
    I’m clinging bitterly to life even though I very much look forward to the next (I know, I know).
    Sign over my death bed will read DO Resuscitate by whatever means necessary.
    Life is short. I mean to get every minute I can.
    A loving family makes a huge difference.
    Once gone, cremation. Ashes scattered against the wind like in the movie The Big Lebowski.

  9. I don’t quite know how to take this.

    Life extending treatment, I think, should be for people who have a contribution to make, not people who have done nothing but leech off the system all their lives.

    Young children, who may yet go on to discover a life changing cure or invent something that enhances societies well-being ( e.g. a death raygun that only fires if the person it’s aimed at is a criminal that would have been hung in the1940s, or an MP who’s lined their own nest at our expense), well they get a pass.

    But the problem is who decides if a person is worthy?

    Also, you can refuse treatment, should you decide to let nature take its course. Just make sure your relatives know you don’t want any heroic measures, medically.

    • “But the problem is who decides if a person is worthy?”

      I will. Problem solved.

      I’d also introduce Life Shortening Treatment. I just checked the schedule and wouldn’t you know it, I can fit in Mr. T. Blair right away.

  10. I’ll probably outlive most of you on here.

    Harsh but true.

    I’m never ill , robust.
    Let’s be honest with each other,
    Most of you are stood in the coffin already.

    So with that in mind, I’m in a position to carry out your legacy.
    For a small fee I’m happy to arrange anyone’s eulogy or witness a will.

    I’ll even put a plaque on a bench somewhere for you.
    Or plant a tree if that’s your thing.

    Let me know,
    Oh and deepest sympathy 😁

    • Can you be engaged for a modest fee to assassinate a few cunts on my Oven list?

      Asking for a friend allegedly.

      Cheers!

    • Could you manage a woodland burial in a wicker coffin, Mis?

      Joking, I’m having one of those where your collected, cremated and the urn delivered to your loved one a week later. No service, no funeral cars, no weeping mourners, no drunken fights in the pub carpark over the will.

      • Oh, and fuck a bench.

        Ain’t no idle-arsed benefit chav or unwanted grifting overseas cunt resting at my expense.

      • Evening JP,
        I fancied one of those woodland burials myself.

        But settled on being burnt.
        My ashes scattered on my beloved Kinder Scout same for my dad and the dog.

        Bet you wouldn’t need a full urn JP?
        Your only little.
        Probably get your ashes in Hendersons relish bottle?

        Like a Sheffield genie!😂

      • I’ll mention that to the Girls.

        Save the expense of an urn, my lovelies.
        An empty, rinsed out, White Zinfandel or Gin bottle will do! Maybe provide two, human cremains are surpringly bulky.

      • I share your view Jeezum. I’ve told mine to ring round for the best price for cremation on the day. I’ve also told ’em not to pay for an urn. What use to them would my scorched remains be? Chuck ’em down the main drains.

      • I’ve still got my late partners cremains.

        I’ve told the Girls, mix them and scatter. Together in life for 38 years, together in death.

      • Not at all, arfur, along the lines of my take on life and death, so no need to excuse anything.

        Besides, as the resident token Yid, the abuse I get on here from certain people has left me with a hide thicker than a Nile crocodile, or Mis’s beard!

    • Miserable & Sons Funeral Directors.

      Has a certain ring to it.

      For the tree planting idea, I’d upgrade to the ‘Plant A Triffid’ package. Specifically trained to take an unhealthy interest in kids. Now then, now then guys and gals.

    • I think you might outlive me Mis. i have co-morbidities stacking up and CT scans now in or approaching double figures at 43 years old.

      Still, ive already lost a mate to stomach cancer. He was 37 and never ill until 2 years ago when he was diagnosed. A year later he was dead.

  11. My last request would be to lick the sweet muff of the girl who serves my breakfast in the deli every Thursday.
    She’s a mere slip at 43 who i speak to like a jocular kindly uncle but with filth unbeknown to her ever on my mind.
    Thinking about it she almost certainly knows i’m a randy old cunt.

  12. That’s an offer I can’t refuse.

    My last wish will be for a beautiful oak tree to stand proud in 400 years time where my remains are at rest. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Could you do that for me Mis? Just have me buried face down, and you can have the honour of inserting the acorn up my bum. Just invoice Mrs Twatt.

    PS You’re not one of those Jimmy Savile types, are you?

    • Of course I could!
      A majestic oak tree spreading its branches,
      Marvelous 👍

      It could be where the sycamore gap tree was, that your fellow Geordies cut down.
      I’ll plant you face down and leave your arse exposed so people can pop a pound coin in your balloon knot for me National Trust.

      Ps
      Jimmy Savile?
      Certainly not!
      I’m nothing like that little virgin.

      • Right, you’re on Mis.

        Interesting that you should mention Sycamore Gap. Far be it for me to cast aspersions on anyone who may or may not have been responsible. However, let’s just say that a certain Northumbrian Master of Hounds and Keeper of the County Love Dungeon was offering bags of logs for burning last winter. Priced at half an hour with your missus, with the catchy slogan ‘A bag for a bag’.

      • Evening Geordie 👍

        Funny you should mention Fiddler.

        Yesterday I was looking around the ISAC site and went on the Ukraine thread.
        If you view it in ‘desktop’ format you can still read it.

        I genuinely laughed out loud.
        His withering intolerance of bullshit was truly awe inspiring.
        Wish he’d not gone☹️

      • He caught the Spedding troll out a few times. Called him ‘boring’, the last thing he’d want to known for.

        Hope he’s grown up a bit.

  13. Switch the machine off and let them die. Most people are cunts anyway. Waste of electric.

    If I was in the position I’d say the same thing….because I’m a cunt too!

    • You dont leave your mutt on life support in hopeless situations. The sanctity of life is lost if braindead on a life-glug.

      How’s Sasha Johnson doing?

  14. If you want to live forever, buy one of my Rodney starmer clones..

    5 minutes of him waffling on without giving a answer, will feel like a hour..

    Side effects include bleeding out of your ears and uncontrollable laughter when he reveals he’s dad was a toolmaker.

    Order now and get a free rayner sex doll, already used and worn out..

    • Take the maker out of his father’s job description and it’s much more accurate. Only a ‘tool’ could produce such a wankstain of a man

    • I’m a bit of a stickler for redheads so Rayner for me would definitely get one up the dirt box, you know she’s a goer too as she shat out a sprog at 16

    • I wonder if they’ll have a Analease Sex Doll on the Antiques Road Show in 2084 Barry. Still in its original, unopened box and covered in dust after 60 years in someone’s loft.

  15. As many of you are aware I have just come out of hospital and having had a lot of resources chucked at me I am hoping my life has been extended by about 15 reasonable years. When the chips are down you don’t actually fancy going.

    • Yes, I hope the forecast is for a full recovery.

      There’s not that many of us, we need all the attitude and outrage we can get.

      Get well soon!

      • Thanks you 3, and everyone else who sent their best wishes. I am back home and on the mend although the convalescent period is 3 months and it is still the 1st week.

  16. I’m going for the suspended animation malarkey. They can’t touch you for it. You’re neither here nor there, dead or alive. You’ve got them by the short and long. The ones you don’t like get fuck all and most likely be dead before you, for being tight arsed twats.

    • Intriguing Sammy!

      Does your State Pension continue to be paid, or does that go into suspended animation.

      That throws up so many questions, it truly does, and my family haven’t pissed me off, so I’d not be inclined to make their life difficult.

      • I think the State Pension should still go into your account, due to you not being legally dead. It can pay towards your indefinite care without worry, due to technology continuing to improve until the time comes to bring you back to normal life and who knows, it could be forevermore.

  17. After death, my will states that, in order to receive their riches, my sons will have to get me stuffed with realistic-looking glass eyes installed and situated on the sofa. They can alternate stewardship of my corpse year-on-year.
    Just a joke, of course, but it would be funny as fuck, ‘cos I’d have small battery-powered motors attached to my elbows to make me twitch periodically to terrify visitors and grandchildren.
    Maybe with a proximity-activated zombie-sounding voicebox to gurgle “duuwwwnn wittthhh nggggrrzzz” and “pakkkkkeeezzz smellllll” to annoy any of my grandchildren’s visiting university leftie chums.

    • If this cruel indifferent world is too much to bare,
      And you want to shuffle off….

      Eat lettuce.
      One dead and 80odd seriously ill from E coli from lettuce.

      I always suspected it was dangerous.
      Hippy poison.
      Linda McCartneys napalm.

      Eating lettuce is a vegetarian version of Russian roulette.

      • I grow my own. No issue with E coli. However, from the Russian Roulette angle, it’s always possible you could bite on a slug. It’s like finding the sixpence in the Christmas pudding.

      • Quick swish in lightly salted water with sort any slug in the lettuce problem, unless your feeding it to your boat people slaves, in which case they’ll be glad of the protein.

        Sound man!

      • Why the fuck folk don’t wash salad stuff before eating it defeats me, it truly does.

        The words ” already washed, ready to eat” have me reaching for the colander and a running tap.

        Yes, washed in a solution of hydrogen peroxide. Thanks, but no thanks.

        Salted water, to kill the live bugs, then a good rinse under a running cold tap.

        Also, I never eat salad in restaurants.

      • What sort of anorexic twat would order a salad in a restaurant?

        Mark E Smith once fired a member of the Fall for eating a salad.

        Quite rightly in my opinion.

    • I’ll be suing you for my very recent near-death experience of choking to death, laughing, Thomas.

  18. “Welcome over Igor, that untrained formerly East European medical assistant.”

    You absolute fuckwit, Sir Limply. Do your homework, yeah?

    As someone who’s spent half their life in Eastern Europe, you’ll know that healthcare beyond The Iron Curtain absolutely pisses over “our NHS”.

    And it’s properly free.

    Grow up, you tool.

    • “It’s properly free”

      No, no it isn’t.
      There’s no such thing as a free lunch, or a free health service, unless you are forcing people, at gunpoint, to provide supplies and services without payment.

      Is that what is happening in Eastern Europe? Beyond the Iron Curtain?
      Is that what you are telling us, and hoping we will believe it?

      • Ok, I see your point. Fair cop. I’ll rephrase my original statement, and I apologise.

        My point is, is that your taxes are well spent in Eastern Europe when it comes to health care.

        As for where the taxes go, I don’t care how much is swindled. If there’s a health problem and you want it sorted sharp, they don’t fuck about.

        For example, I had a dead nasty cyst on my chest whilst living in one of the Baltic States. I rocked into the local walk-in clinic, the nurse had a look at it and signed me off to the nearest hospital to have the little fucker out the same day.

        Same as when I was suffering from debilitating, “fuck I can’t walk” migraines. Hospital that same day.

        My point is, is that it’s proper service and the medical staff are superbly trained because that’s one of the few things the Soviet Union excelled at.

        Oh? And their salaries? My mate’s mum in-law is a surgeon. Her salary is around EUR 2k a month. The country’s she’s from is suffering from one of the highest inflation rates in Europe.

        Once again, I am sorry for namecalling. I take that back, too. But please, as someone who’s experienced nothing but good over there in terms of health care, this comment properly pissed me off.

      • Fair enough, but don’t do it again or you’ll be in the Headmasters office for six of the best

        Lizzo
        Katie Price
        Greta
        Angie Rayner
        Nikki Sturgeon
        Lady Starmer

        and you can’t leave until you’ve done them all.

    • Fuckwit?
      Tool?

      Did you read the rules when you joined?

      What bit about ” No personal attacks” didn’t you understand?

      To quote the Sainted Lady Greta of Thunberg

      How very dare you!

  19. Good news.

    Wallace has decamped into my neighbours garden!
    So SIL didn’t drown him.

    I couldn’t be happier, because I hate the cunt.

  21. I agree with this nomination. It’s a gamble whether or not to get treatment for s terminal illness and the treatment is often worse than the disease itself which can indeed be inevitable.

    Example being my Grandad who died in 1994 at the age of 71 from lung cancer….. after having had over a year of radio therapy but ended up dying nonetheless. The only blessings were copious amounts of Morphine and a nice dose of pneumonia to lessen the pain.

    If I ever get diagnosed with terminal cancer, all I ask for is palliative care as it’s the more humane way to go.

    • If its terminal palliative care is tgebonly option by default.There is still palliative chemo though, so the too are not mutually exclusive. The chemo slows on the spread of disease that might cause pain or other suffering not responsive to pain relief or other measures.

  22. One of our main worries is being looked after (being the operative phrase) by a big buck negro in a care home, with no defence. He’s most likely to take his grievances out on us for criticisms towards them for being lazy black bastards.

  23. Well if it wasn’t for the treatment my dad’s had for his stage 3 prostate cancer he’d be dead for 4 years now. So I can’t agree too much with this

    • But Bob, it has to be personal choice.

      No treatment or surgical procedure should be “forced” on anyone, but at the same time why would we, taxpayers, want to fund lifesaving treatment to some serial rapist killer?

      I personally don’t want them to ever walk free.

      I also think that non-contributers shouldn’t get free anything, except perhaps birth control.

      • He’s ex marines, he won’t give in. He promised me he’d fight it, and he will. I agree it should be a choice though.

  24. Fcking helll. I like this site, I come here for a daily dose of chortledom and belly laughs, and have done for about 3-4 years now. But I have a cancer that’s incurable but can be treated for now by meds. Life expectancy 5 yrs if you’re lucky (& I am). So perhaps I’ll get more. I’m 54 but look younger with a fit bod and long blonde hair growing back. This cunting and whichever cunt wrote it (and whoever deemed it good to be published) are all cunts. Fuck you, end of.

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