Once upon a time, many moons ago, I was on an internal flight with Southwest Airlines in the States. I ordered a drink, which was accompanied by a packet of dryroasted peanuts. Amazingly, the packet bore the legend; ‘Caution; contains nuts’. I mean, who could possibly have worked that out by themselves?
On another occasion in the States, we got pizzas to go. On the box it stated ‘open box before eating pizza’. Then the was the Heinz Ketchup bottle which had ‘serve on food’ in big letters on the front label. Honest. As Yoda would say, ‘I shit you not’.
Everywhere you go, you encounter these statements of the bleeding obvious; instructions for idiots. You get in a lift at ground level, and press for level three. A disembodied voice then tells you ‘doors closing, lift going up’. No fucking shit. You buy a tube of haemorrhoid cream and the label shrieks ‘for external use only; do not consume!’. Well I don’t know about you, but I always thought it tasted good spread on toast. When I was working, we got this ‘health and safety’ shit circulated, and one thing it strongly advised was ‘wear sensible clothing and shoes’. As cunters will appreciate, I was immediately driven to forego my cherished fishnet stockings and stilettos.
This kind of persistent nannying has always driven me nuts, but this morning I came across possibly the most ludicrous ‘statement of the obvious’ instruction ever. I’ve got to go in for an operation soon (which I fervently hope proves to be completely routine) and received the usual information pack to prepare me about what to expect. Included in this was a leaflet about the benefits of getting up and moving about during your stay in hospital. Fair enough, you might think, but it contains this absolute gem; ‘if you have a urinary catheter, you can still be active. Just always remember to take the catheter with you’.
Fuck me sideways. Thanks for that. While you’re about it, why not advise us always to ensure that we’ve got our heads screwed on when we stroll up and down the ward?
Nominated by Ron Knee.
It’s California’s fault. Litigation is so rife that lawyers are king and everything has to be someone else’s fault. Sadly, the U.K. has followed suit.
14
didnt this all start with the guy who put a mcdonalds coffee between his legs as he was driving and scalded his bollocks.
rather than the judge calling him a stupid cunt, they introduced ‘warning contents may be hot’ of takeaway coffee cups…..and from there its spiralled to absolve any blaming of the stupid cunts for doing cuntish things.
7
“Drink sensibly” is my favourite,hidden away on the label of a gents favourite refreshment..
What they really want to say (if lawyers didn’t exist,the horror) is “drink as much of this fucker as you can they immediately go and buy some more”..
Anyhow I’m off to the shops.
Good morning.
16
I am going in for an operation this time next week and I will be catheterised so that’s a very useful piece of information. Thanks Ron and good luck.
6
And best of luck to you too Wanksock. Keep us informed. For what it’s worth my experience is that the contemplation of it is worse than the actual event.
2
Hey Wank,
Regards from the States and all the best.
Hope to see you back soon.
7
ISAC.. Will contain cunts..
Likely to offend..
24
Ron, One word of advice, If walking around DO NOT get the catheter tube under your foot. You tend to pull the fellow out of your old fella. Good luck for the operation.
5
There is a reason for this…
A Doctor friend of mine…who made a fortune doing boob job for strippers and trophy wives…once told me that these same ladies put hemorrhoid cream under their eyes to shrink the bags.
That level of self absorbed stupidity is the reason we have warning labels and written instructions on everyday products.
16
Nice to see you back General and hope you are well❤️
11
Hey Jill,
It’s nice to be back.
My cats, Graham Washington Cuntster and Boris Wolfgang Cuntster want me to send their regards to you.
You’re their favorite!
14
@GC AHH that’s nice☺️I do love cat’s very much. give them both a cuddle from me😻😻
7
Hopefully not the surgeon who operates on the poor women on Brazzers, whose tits often look like sewn together like Edwardian footballs.
…So i’m told.
8
Broadcast before every election Party Political Broadcast:
‘WARNING: These cunts are vain, money-grabbing, self-serving liars and if elected won’t give you any of the shit they’re promising’
26
PS Best of luck with the op, Ron.
5
Somewhere there must be a sign on a wishing well, “wishes my not come true”
10
Fuck me, that’s a waste of several thousands of pounds of loose change.
6
Britain is full…..
12
TikTok, Facebook and Instagram should come with the ‘Irritant’ warning sign of orange square with black cross.
6
In 2016 I was on site for a few weeks at BP’s huge site in Sunbury. The previous year they had had an employee killed at work for which the HSE blamed the company and came down hard upon them. The response within BP was suffocating. Safety was taken to the point of paranoia and the company assumed the right to tell you how to live your life outside work. It become a disciplinary offence to negotiate the stairs with a coffee cup in each hand, you must have one hand free to hold on tight to the bannister. You were instructed not to travel in a vehicle which weighed less than a ton and never to travel by motorcycle. I never drove for them on business but was required to do an online course in driving safely. The course was bought straight in from the States so the hard part of doing the exam at the end was trying to think like an American driving on the wrong side of the road. I couldn’t help but think that if one of their managers had spent a day with me out in the field they would have had apoplexy.
Good luck with the procedure Ron, let us know. Do you know in which hospital you’ll be?
7
“Do you know in which hospital you’ll be?”
Is that satire ?
Let’s hope he does, it wouldn’t do him any good popping into a primary school by mistake, not with a tube hanging out of his chap.
2
Satire? No, a straight question Poot. As a native of the West Midlands I know the hospitals up there and it’s therefore just of small interest to me where Ron may be. However I once kept an appointment at Wycombe General to find that no-one knew why I was there. I also attended a works call at Milton Keynes hospital once and no-one on site recognised the name I had been given as a contact or knew of any fault in the department to which I was told to report. Like 99% of failures in the NHS it’s down to the bureacrats not the medics.
4
It’s a growing market, with IQ’S plummeting faster than angela rayners knickers at a mosque..
Good luck Ron, I will try to arrange a visit from wes streaking to cheer you up..
15
Catheters? They take the piss.
Same with those peanut allergy moaners.
Reckon one peanut they go into prophylactic shock.
Give em a marathon bar and a boot up the arse.
And now there’s warnings not to drink bleach!!
Always telling you what to do.
If I want to drink bleach I will.
9
Sounds like Domestos abuse.
16
Plus bleached arsehole’s are all the rage now.. Thomas told me..
10
haemorrhoid cream on toast.. can’t be any worse than avocado on toast..
Plus the people who eat that, most likely have prolapsed bleeding haemorrhoids..so it saves applying it..
5
‘Liberal Democrats Winning Here’ Oh, wait…
Good morning, everyone.
6
It’s like the old tale of car workshop manuals showing you how to adjust the valve clearance and ignition timing etc, now they tell you not to drink the battery acid. We live in an age of fuckwits.
17
Maybe its for the Diane Abbotts of this world?
You can imagine her house covered in post-it notes.
Knives ‘sharp’, soap ‘don’t eat’, ice cream’ do not microwave’.
10
Shoes; two, the same. A pair.
10
Walkers crisps should come with a warning on …..you may turn into a jug eared obnoxious half caste
14
Did it also say, you can sit down to eat them.
4
Hey Ron
As I’ve been away I feel like I missed something. So taking a cue from the ISAC Faithful, let me send my regards and wish you all the best.
I do want to advise you that despite your most excellent nomination you would be wise to heed the label on the hospital food:
WARNING: The contents of this meal are not fit for human consumption.
12
Welcome back GC.
2
Hey Pooter,
Thanks. It’s good to be back.
1
Slightly off topic, but our customer, a heavily unionised public body, refused to take delivery of our computer system because they hadn’t been trained in how to use a mouse.
8
Proves their intelligence level.
4
Get a team of real mice to do their jobs, the useless fucktards.
4
I sometimes attended calls to remove a failed mouse and plug in a replacement. We had a maintenance contract with the BBC which included replacing toner cartridges in their printers. In a Post Office branch when I asked to borrow a step ladder to reach a plug which was six inches out of my reach I was asked if I had been trained how to use a step ladder.
3
“Caution! Contains Nuts”…… sounds like a good scrotum tattoo.
8
Top notch nom, Ron.
These instructions are presumably deemed necessary because we live in an increasingly infantilised society, thanks to successive governments and an education system run almost exclusively by the woke left.
Also the fact that common sense was outlawed in 1997, the devastating consequences of which can never be overstated.
Hoping all goes well with your operation, I’m sure it will.
8
I say Ron, you must’ve been in a right state when getting out of the wrong floor over in hamshankland. Did you manage to find the ground floor?
Quite a few years ago I heard an interview on the radio with a person who writes these instructions on items and it was to save a companies skin. One was telling blacks not to shower in bleach for obviously reasons. I made that one up whilst typing this. I do remember someone I knew placing ready cut chips into a chip pan without taking them out of the packet first. She was known as Plastic Chips
till the end of her days. People also have swallowed suppositories and get annoyed by saying I might as well have shoved them up my arse, for what use they were.
5
I used to work for a company that manufactured Titanium components/parts for civi and military aircraft, satellite’s/space craft and even false hips lol (titanium isn’t rusted by the bodies enzymes/anti bodies etc). The Oven’s we used to mould the titanium reach up to 2000°c (that’s 3632°F.) For reference the melting point of steel is around 1370 degrees C (2500°F) One day I came in to work to see our ovens (10 or 11 of these, some monsters a good 10ft tall by about 20-25ft wide/long) had been covered in H&S warnings saying “Danger HOT”. Turns out some cunt hadn’t properly sealed his heat resistant suit and had got a little tan. Dickhead.
6
While driving in the US of A, I found the messages etched into the rear view/wing mirrors about objects being closer than you see/think confusing.
I would love to know the origin of this completely superfluous and distracting information.
Anyone?
3
Ron, nothing to do with your nom I know, but it’s reminded me of something that happened many years ago. I was on an internal flight in the US and found as on previous flights that American passengers ignore your existence until they hear your accent, then they immediately want to initiate a conversation. The fella next to me must have heard me talking with the stewardess and started to question me as to where I was from, where I was going etc. He then asked me what my occupation was and I told him I worked in a warehouse. I felt obliged to ask him what he did and he smirked “Ha, I’m a cop”. I looked at him, he was about five foot eight, nine and a half stones soaking wet and wore glasses. And if he’d been telling the truth he would have just said ‘I’m in law enforcement’. It was so obvious he was bullshitting and our conversation ended right there. I’ve no idea why people feel the need to do this.
2
I bought a hair dryer a few years back, came with a sticker that said ‘For external use only’.
3
Fuck me, really?
Now I’m pondering about the possible internal uses of a hairdryer.
2
Don’t go there Jeezum.
Insomnia?
0
Hmmmm interesting……
0
Do you remember the instruction “open can and stand in boiling water”
Took the skin on my feet months to heal.
0