Getting Older

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isn’t it? (This just in from the ‘cry for help’ department – NA)

Being one of the slightly more junior contributors to this fine site (just turned 52) and being fit as a fiddle, age is still creeping up like a Rotherham taxi driver on an unsuspecting underage girl.
Despite running, rowing, doing moderate weights, only eating in a daily 2 hour window and enthusiastic wanking like a chimp in a safari park over some disgracefully horrific material, I can feel my body and eyesight deteriorating week by week.

Do any slightly older cunters have any sensible suggestions for any useful supplements?
I already take cod liver oil and garlic on the odd occasion I remember.
A genuine thanks for any advice offered.

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Nominated by Thomas the Cunt Engine.

95 thoughts on “Getting Older”

  1. To stop getting any older, kill yourself.

    I am pleased that I could help.

    • Only eat in a 2hour window?

      Get a pie down your neck Thomas and live a little.

      If you’re worried about ageing try wearing makeup and dressing like a 20yr old.

    • Go walking in the hills of a Greek island in 40 degree heat.
      That tends to end the ageing process.
      And it’s proven by a doctor.

  2. For a start. Avoid news, its an exaggeration. Pleasure on what you’ve always known best and stick to it. That’s nostalgia for me.

  3. Ps

    You better sort yourself out sharpish before you go the states Cuntengine.

    They’ll think your Joe Biden.

    And knock that garlic on the head.
    You smell like a Frenchman.

    • Agreed. At 57 I find I can still do pretty much whatever I like, maybe
      a bit slower at times. i was going to say that the main thing I’ve noticed is I often feel like killing people. Actually, ignore that bit – I’ve always been like that.

      The other half is going a bit deaf but doesn’t want to acknowledge it, I would welcome any advice.

  5. “Creeping up like a Rotherham taxi driver on an unsuspecting underage girl”

    Eloquently stated as always Thomas

    I’m only a few years behind you Thomas and after a few struggles getting good quality sleep a little while back, I’ve found that increased Marijuana use has been very effective in that area.

    Less wanking and more semen retention has also been good for energy and general well being as well.

    Good Morning.

    • Just to add.

      The fact that marijuana is still illegal, is a crime in itself.

    • semen is also said to be a excellent moisturizer 🧴 I worked with a couple of women who swore by it. must admit that their complections were lovely. (They smelt a bit tho🤭)

      • you don’t have to tell Thomas that.
        He’s a old hand😂

  6. Up the weights too Jane Fonda.
    Rather than prancing about in leg warmers ,
    Get a sweat on.

    My guide to immortality

    Early to bed early to rise
    Cold water washing
    Star jumps
    Weightlifting few times a week
    Plenty of fresh air
    Avoid foreign muck- it’s poison
    Stop interfering with yourself

    • Cold showering is a life changer.

      Can’t remember the last time I had any kind of cold bug.

    • “Stop interfering with yourself”?

      If Tommy does this, it’ll all build up inside him until he explodes like a man-yoghurt Mr. Creosote or baby-juice Violet Bureagarde.

      No, best to wank like a lubricious ape at a chimp’s bukkake party.

    • Mis’, I bet you have a shirt that says,
      ‘if the bar’s not bendin’
      you’re just pretendin’.

  7. With a labour government imminent, being white, male and straight is gonna to shorten your lifespan..

    So have a steak and crack open a beer.

    • Being white, straight and male, and having to rely on the NHS under an incoming Labour cabinet with the IQ of a flea.

      My GP actually had a dig at the National Deity the other day after I told her i’d not heard anything more from the hospital about a procedure she’d referred me for.

      ‘yes, well it’s the NHS for you. We can’t expect too much’.

      Second senior doc in 6 months who’s intimated things are not well in the big blue house.

  8. 52 and a junior contributor.

    If you were in the House of Lords Cunt Engine you would be practically still be in the womb.

    I wonder want the average age is on IsAC? Late 50’s in guessing.

    • I turn 42 in a couple of months. I’d say that I’m more of a junior contributor.

      • I’m 42 TITS.

        Its a good age for being on here I reckon, you get the cultural references and know of music, films and TV shows from older cunters era.

        I’ll be forever grateful for Joey Deacon. I Iived in ignorance for years.

      • @Liberal Liquidator

        Back in the 80s and 90s, I used to engage in “doing the Deacon” and kids would call each other “Joey” and “Deacon” but I didn’t know until a few years ago who Joey Deacon was (being that he was from the 70s) and this website was where I learned of his name. ISAC….. one of the last bastions of historical pop-culture documentation.

      • Missed out on Deacon-mania at school (started in ’86) , but came to know about him through a mature student at college who I used to drink with, and later a couple of retro programmes on TV featuring talking heads.

      • I turned teen in the middle 70’s but have no clue who Joey Deacon is. I’m also too lazy and blasé to look him up.

    • 43 here. I seem to remember Grantham Cunt, Opinionated Cunt and Harold are a bit younger.

  9. Sensible suggestions?
    Yeah, kill younger prostitutes.
    To paraphrase Groucho Marx:
    “A man is only as old as the prostitute he murders.”

  10. It looks as if poor old Michael Mosley has bought it – all that sensible eating, dieting, eating flax seeds, taking up yoga and learning a musical instrument, and the poor old devil was only 67.

    Just enjoy yourself – if you listened to scientists and read the Daily Express you would drink nothing but water (and that probably has effluence in it). As Montainge said ” a meal without wine is like a day without sunshine”. Well, it was either him or Fanny Craddock.

    • aaahh .. Fanny Craddock. Viz reckoned her husband Johhny was very supportive of her culinary career.

      Reckoned his autobiography should have been titled “I only eat Fanny’s”

  11. Eat whatever you want.
    Take up boxing.
    Smash your TV.
    Fresh Air.
    Stay out of jail.

  12. The past has gone! Bring it back (please) I’m into my 70’s and with 2 heart attacks,hip replacement (now under orthopedics again due to its starting to fail) pulmonary embolism, arthritis 😩 I’m qualified to say getting old is indeed a cunt 👴🤕💉…. gone are the days of 🕺 to some rock n roll 🎸 and proper 60’s/70’s groups…’those were the days my friend, I thought they’d never end’ 🎶……😩

    • “Growing old is not for sissies” declared Bette Davis, and I can confirm that – I just hope nobody has told Mandy and Anthony that, it will make them cwy.

  13. All the wanking is affecting your eye sight. This can be remedied by wearing shades and standing at a north-facing window with the curtains open during masturbation. For general skin care, rub horse shit all over your face and body, and place two cucumber slices over your eyes. Do this several times a week, preferably just before leaving the house to go to work or the supermarket. Wash it all off before bed (obviously). Then, insert the remainder of the cucumber in your arse and leave it there til morning.

    Bacon sandwiches work wonders for me. I’ve noticed that people who don’t eat them are mad ugly cunts. You might also take a leaf out of Madonna’s book and try to age gracefully.

  14. I’ve noticed with me that it’s not so much as issue of aging physically; but rather aging mentally.

    I’m getting to the point where I have trouble remembering things like names and sometimes even forget what I’m saying half way through a sentence.

    I started to get old in my late 30’s when I started listening to Classic FM in the car because all the modern music on the main radio stations was dogshit… although I think that might also be because most modern music is objectively shite.

    More recently though I’ve started to notice a change in my thinking which indicates that I might be getting old. The other day, an advert for some Skechers trainers was on the TV.

    Years ago, if I saw an advert for a pair of trainers I’d say “Ooh those look stylish, I’ll buy them” but this time I said out loud to my Mum “Ooh those look comfortable and practical, I might be them” to which she said “You sounded just like your Dad then”

  15. I’m 73 Tom and I can only suggest you turn your thoughts to something constructive and interesting. You’ll age at the rate you will and unless you can get into high speed interstellar travel you cannot change it. If you’re lucky death will come as a surprise one day. Worrying about your age is as productive as worrying about the weather, witness the poor saps in the climate change lobby. Don’t take obviously excessive risks but you can’t live risk free. Such a life would be as crushingly boring as watching football. Ignore the silly advice about not wanking. It’s been scientifically proven that it does not send you blind and there is small evidence that it’s good for you.

  16. Buy a sports car a pound of Colombian marching powder a years supply of viagra and get hold of a 20 year old with big tits

  18. Stop worrying and start living.
    Avoid processed food.
    Raw honey, bio yoghurt, organic fruit. Diet and colon health are paramount.
    Red meat, dairy and lard/tallow for frying, they’re all decent choices. Veg oils were originally lubricants, they just got filtered, sterilised and repackaged. We’ve been eating the other “harmful” stuff for millennia but are still here.
    Wank once a month to clear your prostate.
    Fresh air, exercise, sunlight or at least, daylight.in other words, a long walk.
    Don’t wear a face nappy, it’s a petri dish of goo covering your mouth and nose, derrr.
    Plenty of filtered and distilled water, mains slurry is full of shite and oestrogen from wimminz piss.
    Get an allotment or any other outdoor hobby ( lurking up trees with a mackintosh and binoculars doesn’t count).
    The odd sacrifice may improve your mental health, at the very least it removes some troublesome wretch from your life, think of it as self healing and a community service.
    Fuck what anyone else thinks, they’re not taking responsibility for your welfare.

  19. I have no advice at all Tommo as i’m 43 and have clocked up a number of co-morbidities and had numerous operations and CT scans over the years, making certain investigations a headache for doctors.

    The only thing that might be of use is that late forties to mid fifties is known colloquially as ‘snipers alley’ a statistical anomally where mortality rates increase during that period.
    I don’t really buy it as it seems to be early sixties for a lot of people ive known and the famous types.

    I’m a morbid cunt sometimes but ask shaun for further details. I hear he has is a FRCM (Fellow of the Royal College of Morticians)

    • Early sixties indeed Cuntamus. Heard just a few hours ago that a ccousin has died who was sixty on the first of April. I once had 26 cousins but they’re going down like flies recent years.

    • To be fair Miserable, Cunt Engine was sending cock pictures and sexting before it became fashionable.

      • It’s probably a good thing that a polaroid in the post doesn’t leave any digital paper trail.

  22. If insomnia becomes a problem I would consult Admin.
    I don’t know what he’s taking, but he sleeps like a baby till 10am every morning.

  24. Keeping fit is a waste of time. Either you have the constitution for growing old, or you fall apart. Fortunately I seem to be doing pretty well. Of course you may feel okay, but you never know when a silent killer is busy eating you from the inside. Make the best of each day. Hope this is helpful Mr Engine,

    Good morning, everyone,

    • Spot on Twenty mate! Years ago centenarians made the national news because they were so rare. Not any more because there are so many of them. Years ago I heard a documentary on the radio where the subject was the many people who were now making a hundred. The programme makers went to Pershore in Worcestershire which holds the record for the proportion of such folks and where incidentally a close friend of mine resides. Locals were asked what they thought the explanation was. The stand out most realistic response was from a local pharmacist who said that the folks who made a hundred had the genes for longevity and had the good fortune to be born and raised in the Vale of Evesham. In the early twentieth century large numbers of the working class (including my parents) had a piss-poor diet but these folks lived in an area where good food was to hand and plentiful.

      It’s a fact that the best indicator of how long you may live is how long you’re parents survived. By definition you have no influence on that, unless perhaps you murder them. As regards the notorious “silent killer” I had a cousin who went down with pancreatic cancer. Terminal before any symptoms and dead within weeks of diagnosis. I should count myself lucky I guess. When I had my cardiac event eight years ago I was whizzed into hospital and stented successfully. A proportion of people with the same problem find out when they fall down dead. As it is I have already had nineteen years more than my father.

  25. Eat well and in moderation.

    Have as much sex as you possibly can.

    Be alert to warning signs for prostate problems.

    Walk as much as possible.

    Find a relaxation technique that benefits you.

    Invigorate yourself with regular cunting.

    Morning all.

  26. Mrs Civvydog is 22 year younger than me that helps, like getting a puppy for an aging mutt, puts a spring in your stride, especially if she is a fiery little minx like my Lady, highly amusing to wind up especially at that time of month, like lighting a fuse on a bomb.😁😁😁👍

    • That’s quite the age gap. Thought my last bird was a bit young at 7 years younger (’88) but she did the same for me. I’m a curmudgeonly cunt anyway so she had her work cut out.

  27. Bet Dr Moseley after years of following all his own dietary advice is holed up in a kebab shop and bar stuffing himself silly before going back to preaching.

  28. Loads of Vitamin C and D in winter.
    Get rid of your TV.
    Buy smaller dinner plates.
    Dark chocolate
    East Asian food – fresh fish, dried seaweed, edamame beans, buckwheat noodles, kimchi, bibimba, pickles, yoghurt drinks.

      • Yep it’s dreaded foreign muck…but you see them all over there in their 90s as fit as a fiddle, Tai Chi, gardening, long walks etc etc.

        Forgot to add Thomas “take care of – and keep an eye on – your nether regions, bowel and prostate., a couple of silent killers”

    • Way to go Arch! Have you been watching Peter Hickman and Michael Dunlop on the island? Gave it up following pressure from my family after I woke up in hospital. Took up light aircraft instead, some similarities to bikes, steep bank to turn hard for instance but if you’re up at 2000′ there’s lots of space and you don’t need to worry about the rate you’re sinking. Enjoy yourself but stay alive!

      • TT/NW 200/UGP – anyone with the balls to even do a lap is a madman/hero.

        Cross-wind landing in ‘lights’ is a hoot, get’s the pulse up.

      • So you’ve been there MCC? Friend of mine was scared shitless when we were sideways on short finals. I never liked wing down, my old instrutor used to mix the two but I was always more comfortable with sideways.

      • Will be watching the Senior tonight.

        Plus launching off various hills on my paraglider helps keep you young. I’m sure though the hills are getting bigger….!

  30. Getting older is indeed a cunt, but it certainly beats the alternative.. death..

    A good laugh definitely helps..
    And we should have plenty of those over the next few years..

    Laughing at retàrds who think things will get better under the red tories..

    • Absolutely Barry.

      Hopefully teenage mutant Ed Millibollocks will have switched off all our reliable energy supplies when the next 1963-level winter arrives.
      Rolling power cuts, thousands dying from hypothermia and the Guardianista snowflake generation in meltdown because they can’t charge their iPhones.
      Meanwhile I’ll put another log on the stove (free from the garden), stay nice and toasty and laugh my bollocks off.

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