JAWS

Posted on by

 
Again, I`m not nominating sharks for a cunting – they just do what they do.
To steal a quote from Jaws: “All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks and that’s all.”

No, I`m cunting the morons who knowingly (or cretinously) enter shark-infested waters and then get bits bitten off. The ones that don`t have the common decency to be entirely consumed, that is.

In any case, it`s easy to avoid shark attacks. Here are a few ideas – maybe YOU can do better? …
■ Stay dry: Sharks only attack people who are wet.
■ Dress up as a shark: They`re thick and won`t notice you.
■ Learn to read: That sign over there says Sharks – stay out of the water.

I`ll leave you with a final quote: “You`re going to need a bigger boat.”
(Said the French coast guard to the intended migrants).

bbcnews

Nominated by Sam Beau.

71 thoughts on “JAWS”

  2. People who get eaten by sharks haven nothing to be ashamed about as sharks have very high IQs. Even higher than Americans.

    They say that sharks never stop swimming. Very clever..

    • …and tired. They have to swim to keep the oxygen flowing. It’s why I try to have a drink, or 6, everyday.

  3. Predators serve a purpose. They are vital to the balance of an ecosystem.
    However, when a human enters the water they are no longer the top of the food chain. Getting attacked is a risk in the ocean. Whether a jellyfish, shark, crab, stingray, or man of war, the risk is always there. I live on the Gulf of Mexico and have been fortunate to escape injury in my time in the water. My daughter doesn’t want to swim anymore after a couple nasty brushes with jellyfish.
    If there was a sign about sharks I would definitely heed it. If I didn’t that would make me a cunt.

  4. I like sharks, especially those huge fuckers with teeth like sharpened elephant tusks.

    I’d like to see hundreds of them introduced into the English Channel asap.

    Afternnon all.

    • That’s a cracking idea. Thousands of the buggers! Those hammer heads look nasty.

      Just add some piranha for the tidy up.

    • Top notch notion, Ron.
      And, with “climate change” all the rage, they could be here (quite naturally) any day now, hopefully in their thousands, basking & munching, as they do.
      Seriously, Sunak – there’s a solution for you — courtesy of IsAC.

    • Personally, I’d grab 100s of illegals, zip tie their arms behind their backs, strap the cunts with high explosives, proximity fuses and flotation devices then drop them in the Channel. Fight illegal with illegal. I reckon the boats would stop within days.

  5. Jaws was a great predator,In the spy who loved me..

    Then made him a big softy in moonraker..

  6. There a type of person who thinks that wild animals won’t harm them. The let’s go pat the wild bison type cunts. I blame Steve Irwin, always fucking around with dangerous wildlife like he was playing with a puppy.

    Steve got fucked by a Ray and they’re usually very tolerant of people but do the middle aged women take any notice? Nope they see a grizzly bear, all 800lbs of it and think it’s fucking yogi.

    The daft cunts who get in the water with sharks deserve it, giant predator in its own environment and Barry from Swansea trying to strikes fin.

    Lord save us from morons and social media, go for the likes end up with bites.

    • I’m with you Sixdog.

      Wild animals should be respected.

      Remember on here a nom and I mentioned I enjoyed watching animals attacks on idiots?

      And Admin posted a link of that guy who looked after Grizzly bears getting eaten alive!
      It was chilling as fuck.
      Just the audio.

      And for some reason as the bear is crushing his bones in its teeth he tells to his wife

      ” Aaaaahh, get a frying pan!!”

      I never understood that.

      Yanks , always thinking about food.

    • I’ve spent a decent amount of time in bear country – NW Canada.
      Black bears can be dangerous, but they scare off fairly easily if you make a lot of noise and move towards ’em.

      Grizzlies are too be avoided at ALL costs, they do not fuck around when they find something edible.

      Standing joke is if you go out into grizzly territory, go with someone who’s a slower runner than you are.

  7. Why would you be there? Fish live in water. My ancestors moved to dry land years ago. If you must be on the sea be on something that displaces at least 100,000 tons.

    • Diversity is popular these days. Humans enriching the oceans is no different.

      Go sharks 🦈

    • Something that displaces 100,000 tons?
      Too easy, arfur … Diane Abbott.
      Although I wouldn`t wish any cunters to be `on her`.

    • I like sharks.
      Apex predators and cleaning crew of the seas.

      Not fussy eaters so better than vegans.

      Even more than Sharks I like Quint the shark hunter.

      “Here lies the body of Mary Lee
      Died at the age of a hundred and three

      For 15years she kept her virginity
      Not a bad record for this vicinity “

  10. Anybody who attempts doing something dangerous, want their arses kicking and personally wish for these stupid twats to be severely injured or fatal depending on the situation. I love watching online sites where cunts receiving karma for doing wrong.

    • I avoid sharks by living inland and not going on holiday. Prevention is better than cure.

      • I saw a while ago that you are coming to my part of the world, inland Spain. No sharks here

      • Indeed Sir Mali. Looking forward to it – you don’t tend to see that kind of m
        Moorish/Mudejar architecture in many other countries in the world.

  11. I have a keen interest in sharks. Watching documentaries and reading about them. Apex predators that serve a massive purpose in the ecosystem. 100 million killed a year by humans. Upsets me greatly. Many species including the Hammerhead is in the verge of extinction. The problem is not sharks as ever it’s the idiotic human race. I pray that the sharks close to extinction can recover their numbers but I’m not optimistic.

    • A lad who works in the pub is seffrican.
      He witnessed his mate bitten by a shark while they were surfing.

      He had a nasty leg wound but didn’t get mauled.

      Fuck that.

      I think surfing is a brilliant sport,
      I see the attraction.
      But your intruding in the sharks natural environment,
      And been eaten alive isn’t any way to go.

    • The disgusting slanty eyed yellow bastards in China are total cunts in regard to sharks and their obsession with shark fin soup which is virtually tasteless. Just take the fin and throw the shark back into the ocean. There is nothing which swims, crawls, flies or walks which these cunts don’t do their best to exterminate.

      • Them chinks eat fucking anything and it seems the more disgusting the more of a delicacy!
        Wonder if they would be interested in what I cough up of a chilly morning or a midday turd?
        Might make myself a few quid!

      • Jellyfish, not sure the slit eyed bastards have mastered a recipe for that yet, I may be wrong however.

      • A work colleague once showed me some YouTube videos of what the Chinese eat. Even he found it disgusting and he’s Indian.

      • I’ve eaten jellyfish in Malaysia just tasted of ammonia wouldn’t bother again.

  12. I used to go boat fishing in Durban Bay. The fuckers were everywhere. Usually taking the body off any fish you caught before you could get it reeled in.Only a pillock would swim past the shark nets.
    They are however awesome creatures.

  13. I watched this documentary about is there great white sharks in European waters (there are).

    All these egghead marine biologists saying no, there wasn’t.

    These Italian tuna fishermen saying yes there was.

    They filmed the fishing vessel off the coast of Sicily.

    Ever seen a blue fin tuna?

    Fuckin massive!!

    About 6ft long and 3ftwide,

    The fishermen were hauling in their nets.
    Using hooked poles to pull in the tuna.

    Then, you saw a massive white shape come around the net.
    Great white.

    Fishermen 1- eggheads 0

  14. Like Lisa stansfield I’ve been around the world.. and I like swimming..

    But only in the ocean, swimming pools are full of piss…guilty…we have all done it..

    So I would rather take my chances..

    And anyway sharks like Barbra Streisand just need a good punch on the nose to put them in there place..

  15. I was once swimming / snorkeling in the Caribbean and a brace of Barracuda’s came into view….FFS I thought that’s it. Back on the sun loungers for me…😬

  19. Still a great film, the original Jaws.
    Proper thiill to see it on the pictures.

    All the sequels were fucking shite though.

  20. There are sharks in the Channel, Thresher, Porbeagles, Blue and other smaller types such as Smoothound, Tope, Cat Shark etc, the big ones follows the large bait fish shoals, the others move about depending on the seasons, weather and their normal food stuffs.. There are Tuna too, regularly caught these days off the Cornish coast.

    As the European factory trawlers and some smaller UK boats continue to rape the round and flatfish stocks in the Channel, these amazing creatures will gradually decline.

    I can only hope some of the bigger ones head to Dover and start trying immigrant with and rubber.

    Off topic, but it’s a bank holiday tomorrow, I suspect this site will attract the usual ‘one name wonders’ who dive in, work a few fucks or snide comments, not to be seen again…..

    • Thanks to our water companies, no shark in its right mind would come within sniffing distance of the English fucking Channel.

      • They’ll swallow one mouthful of sewage and be demanding reparations

  22. ‘you know the thing about a
    shark, he’s got… lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be livin’… until he bites ya.”

    Quint
    Jaws.

    Jaws is in my top 10 films.

    Robert Shaw was a brilliant actor.
    I like the immoral mayor too.

    That film made a lot of people terrified of swimming in the sea.
    Convinced a shark was lurking 4ft deep in the sea at Blackpool.

    My favourite bit is where they’re getting pissed up in the Orca,
    Telling stories and Quint reminisces about being on the US Indianapolis.
    A fine fishy tale.

    The Meg on the other hand is fuckin bollocks.
    Absolute shite.
    That bald cunt in it should be ashamed.

      • Sharknado too, sharks and ..er tornados.

        I suppose writers got fed up with destroying LA with alien invasions and earthquakes.

      • I was under the impression that black bastards were destroying LA? Er, and the rest of the USA. And London, and the UK. And the rest…..

      • Maybe a tornado flinging crips and bloods into Malibu and Beverly Hills?

        I’d watch it.

    • How about Deep Blue Sea – hyperintelligent sharks tearing the place up.

    • I read that Shaw prepared his own speech in advance for that scene and they let him roll with it. He was a literary man apparently, wrote poetry.

      Much as I adore that film, I’m one those it scarred for life. Ankles only at the edge of the sea!

  23. You pay your money you take your chance..

    Step outside your door.
    Religious nut? Tired taxi driver?
    Mental health issues? Heart attack?

    Shark attack!!
    The last time you be attacked by a great white. Without be accused of being a racist.

  24. Enter the sea, enter the food chain.
    Stay in the pub looking at the sea….

    • They say sharks are perfect for the job they do.

      They have looked that way for pretty much 450 million years.
      Peaked early in evolutionary terms.

      Which means they’re long overdue a next step.

      They’ll develop the ability to breathe on land and learn to drive.

      It wouldn’t surprise me that it’d be common in a few hundred years that surfers are involved in a high speed chase dragged from their VW campervan by sharks and eaten at the side of the road.

      • Might drive buses in Sheffield one day.

        “Damn you marvels of evolution, you’re three minutes fucking early!” as OP shakes his fist at the bus he has just missed.

      • Sharks on land, taking over the world.

        They could hardly make a worse job of it could they?

  25. Perhaps our very own RN could invest in a few unmanned underwater sea drones with a large grey fin visible above the water to patrol in the shallower waters off the French Coast…just sayin’ Mr Itchy Ballsack.

  26. I suppose the cunt was swimming around in circles until they got him out.
    250,000 deaths do to snake bites, they never report on these.
    Spielberg as much to answer for.
    It as stopped raining.

  27. I reckon the oik wiv the boites thinks the baseball cap makes him more chav. That poor shark; I hope it hasn’t caught anything from biting him.

Comments are closed.