Crystal Healing

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I’ve never heard a doctor shout

” Bring me a amethyst geode stat!!!”

And I know for a fact that Christies cancer Hospital isn’t using using quartz instead of radiotherapy.

But people (yanks) believe in the health benefits of gemstones and crystals.

The annual market being worth £4 trillion.

Buzz words to beware of are
“Well being” “synergy”
And “New age”.

Often people who believe this are white people with dreadlocks.
Sandal wearers,
And people who wear baggy cotton batic pants from India.

I don’t believe geological byproducts can heal serious health issues in the human body.
I’m a crank like that.

Although quartz is a good indicator of the presence of gold.

So if you find a vein of quartz and it’s crusted with gold ?!!
Pay for good medical care and stop fucking about.

American Spa Link.

Nominated by : Miserable northern cunt

57 thoughts on “Crystal Healing”

  1. I could only manage the first paragraph of that complete and utter bollocks.

    ‘American Spa’ indeed. Presumably short for ‘American Spaccas’.

  2. Only comment I would make on your excellent nom Mis, is to leave out the word yanks. Don’t need to travel that far to find such folks, just parts of Gloucestershire, Somerset and Devon.

    • Mainly, if not exclusively* Gloucestershire. The county is literally infested with utter fuckwits, inbreds with webbed toes and wubbeley heads.

      * Glastonbury, the exception, whilst technically in Somerset is so raddled with hippies, drug addicts and lefty’s from London it’s no longer part of the county. Every other establishment there is selling crystals or some other new age bollocks shit.

      • I went to Glastonbury last Sunday and as everyone probably knows, the high street is full of shops selling incense, crystals, spell paraphernalia and occult books and so on. I did laugh to see a sign in one shop window – ” Glastonbury needs a pharmacy – please sign petition at…(then website address)”. It’s almost an admission that rubbing tincture of Old Bogwort on something and then dancing widdershins round the well at midnight doesn’t actually do anything.

  3. Crystal healing, I used to go to school with her.

    With a name like that she could only become one thing..

    That’s right the CEO of barclays Bank..

  4. Far out maaaaaan….. the granddaughter was into this malarkey a couple of years ago, crystal this crystal that 🔮🧚‍♀️ bedroom full of the ‘magic’ stones… felt like you was on a 60’s hippy commune in Ibiza ☮️ seems to have gotten over the serene🌛 phase now going off her teenage moods now in full swing 😣…..peace out 🌝

    • Get her on Heroin, that’ll chill her out a bit.

      No need to thank me, I’m here to help 👍

  5. The only crystal I need is the whiskey glass I use to toast the demise of the enemies of HM the King.
    Happy Empire day cunters!

  8. Celebs are big on it.

    Megan Fox
    Posh spice
    Naomi Campbell
    Kim Kardashian
    Oprah
    Katy Perry
    Adele
    Gwyneth paltrow

    The list of wealthy and gullible is long.

    All use a bit of geology to pursue eternal life.
    Each crystal effects different elements of the body.

    I’ve strained my chakras at work and as a consequence my auras gone murky.

    I didn’t bother with the doctors,
    They don’t know shite about spiritual energy.

    But a bloke online sold me a piece of obsidian,
    So on the mend.

    The NHS really should consider going into partnership with Blue John mines?

    • Morning Les,

      It could save the ever-raoacious NHS a heap of money. Before having an operation, some swarthy Romanian with an NHS badge can ask you questions in bad English like, “Do you believe in God?” or “Do you use crystsls or zodiac tables?” If so, they can stay at home and just pray or dangle their amethysts.

      • Morning Maggie 👍
        Why the NHS isnt investing money into crystals, sage, and Joss sticks is beyond me?

        No, they fritter our money away on CAT scanners and stuff.

        No wonder it’s in a mess!

        Not a single yogi or shamanic drummer on the board of advisers.

    • Think the people buying Gwyneth’s pussy scented candles are gullible.

  9. I’ve just looked it up :

    “ Common cleansing methods include smudging with sage, immersing in saltwater, or placing the crystal under moonlight or sunlight. Once cleansed, you can program the crystal by holding it in your hands, closing your eyes, and focusing on your specific intention or purpose for the crystal”.

    I’m convinced now! Where do I buy these things?
    Mnc- surely you’re convinced too now?
    Get your sage out.

    • I’ve got some sage and onion stuffing in the cupboard dunno if that’d do?😆

    • Putting the egomania of Gwyneth aside Sam,
      That’s a very odd thing to market isn’t it?

      Wonder if any other celebs will jump on the wagon?

      Elton Johns ringpeice scented tea lights?

    • Who would buy them? Wonder if she realises her entire customer base is probably anally abusing themselves with her products?

  12. The most despicable woman I have ever known was well into crystal nonsense mainly to make money as her greatest talents were lying and cheating.

    • I know a footballers wife who is crackers for it too.

      Big quartz geodes around the house.

      It’s a fad.
      New age bollocks, Reiki healing .

      If it had health benefits how come miners have bad health in later life?

      • I’ve just realligned my chakras mate, I’d leave it a minute if I were you.

  14. Crystals can be used some medical applications, mainly through laser optics and burning the warts, tumours and other excrescences off of your foreskin.

    Just be wary of any surgeons saying ‘i’m a firin’ ma lazaaaar!’

    They’re a peculiar breed.

    • I don’t have warts on my foreskin CP.

      Can it benefit me in any other way?

      • And I will at some point Sixdog.
        Long as it’s free on the NHS.
        And I get a cold towel to sit on afterwards

      • @mnc

        Not sure you want umbogo goloco pouring supermarket bleach on your ring as the chicken waits to be sacrificed.

  15. The modern equivalent of the old snake oil salesman and 100% proof that theres one born every minute and a fool and its money are soon parted.
    Absolute feckin divs, what more can you say.

  16. I am surprised that SAGE didn’t suggest the clown Handcock try crystals on the people as a stop-gap cure during the early days of the Covids – until Astra Zeneca could concoct the vackzines. Oh, wait…crystals might have proved even more safe and effective!

    Some people let crystals and their close connections to the Earth guide them throughout their lives. They eat healthy organic stuff, don’t waste any water, they eschew the lure of plastic bags. They live for ages. Ed Davy is their supreme leader. Look out for their slogan in coming weeks. You know the one – ‘Lib Dems Winning Here’.

    Good morning, everyone.

    • Lib Dem’s. Wanking here.

      Just ask Ed the talking horse Davey about his part in the Post Office scandal.

      I used to shag an older bird into crystals. Loved it up the arse and always swallowed. Marvellous.

      • That is my experience with women who are into new age bollocks. Big-titted MILF territory. A bit loopy but good fun for a while.

        They don’t seem to make them anymore.

  17. We have a new age therapy centre by us. I did a course there called “learning to love yourself”.
    I came top!

  18. Is this the reason that crystal meth is so popular, I understand that enhancing certain senses is on of its benefits. Got told to fuck off when I asked the owner of our local crystal shop if he could drop me some crystal. Obviously my mind set is wrong.

  19. The furthest my pocket money in the 1940s would stretch to, were the Crystal Sherbet dabs. When empty, the cardboard was used to line my shoes, enabling my feet from touching the ground. That was after pulling the soles of my socks forward and tucking them under my feet.

    • Morning Sammy, morning all.
      That brings back memories of putting cardboard in my shoes to try and keep the wet out of holed shoes.
      Not everything was swinging in the 60’s. Not much money about for some.
      Character building though.

    • If our school shoes were leaking it was plastic bread bags under the socks. Ace!

      New shoes only available once the existing soles were transparent.

    • Instant parole for the first inmate to slash his throat.

      The nerve of these inbred mitts. Hope he dies painfully.

  21. I work in an office with women. I’m the only bloke and voice of reason. 3 of them are into this type of shite, crystals, Reiki, spiritualism and the rest of that guff. It’s quite entertaining, as a non-believer, to observe their nonsense. One lady ‘cleansed’ the office by burning sage, I had to point out that she’d set the smoke alarm off if she didn’t extinguish it. I casually asked what she was doing this weekend to be told she’s seeing a spiritualist in the morning followed by having her eyebrows ‘done’ in the afternoon. She’s now discovered that the eyebrow lady’s mum is into reiki so she’s now moist about a possible tuition session. It’s quite brilliant working here sometimes.

  22. Total bollocks.

    Pointless and useless hippy dogshit. Rocks can’t heal anybody and they never will.

  23. The throne should have gone straight to William anyway.

    If Edward VIII (granted, a trannie loving Nazi cunt) couldn’t have it for marrying a divorcee, then that looney diversity loving big eared cunt shouldn’t have it either. And that horse faced hag Camilla should never be Queen.

  24. Crystal healing is almost exclusively a thing believed in, and practiced by, dopey fucking women…. chiefly dopey fucking women of the hairy arm-pitted, hemp-wearing persuasion.

    It’s nonsensical, nonscientific woo woo bollocks of the highest order, only rivaled in it’s utter idiocy by homeopathy and astrology.

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