Busybody Know-It-Alls

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Why is it that some people can’t resist sticking their noses into other people’s business, even on the most trivial of matters?

Take this morning for example. I was in our front garden, just about to start removing a large clump of nettles which was threatening to choke out one of the wife’s beloved azaleas. I’d barely begun, when along HE came; Mr Busybody, Mr fucking Know-all, to offer an opinion where none was wanted or welcome.

As he drew alongside me, he stopped, stuck his hands in his pockets, and peered portentously over the low wall which separates our garden from the pavement. After some seconds he opined ‘you know, you should really leave those nettles alone’.

What the fuck? thinks I. ‘My wife thinks they’re intrusive, and wants them dug out’ I replied somewhat tersely.

‘Yes’ says he, ‘but don’t you know that they’re an important part of the ecosystem? They provide food and habitat for butterflies, bees and other insects’.

‘My whole garden is a butterfly and bee friendly environment’ says I, straightening up, ‘but I’ll tell you what. If you’re that bothered, hang about for five minutes while I root them out, and you can take them away with you for replanting’.

‘Er, but I don’t want them’ says he, surprised and now somewhat hesitant.

‘Neither do I’ says I, ‘which is precisely why I’m digging them up and slinging them in the compost, okay?’

At which point a look of intense irritation comes over his face, and with a ‘harrumph’ he stomps off.

Why is that irksome, interfering cunts just can’t resist the urge to stick their oar
in, even when it’s concerning a matter of utter inconsequence involving a complete stranger? His whole demeanour was such that he felt that I should justify myself. For weeding my garden for fuck’s sake.

Fair nettled I was. If I wasn’t a gentleman, I’d have told the cunt to fuck right off.

Nominated by : Ron Knee

95 thoughts on “Busybody Know-It-Alls”

  1. I’d have snapped at the point where you got to ‘portentously’. You’re a better man than either Gunga Din or I will ever be, Ron.

  2. Shame you didn’t ‘stumble’ and ‘accidentally’ thrust your handful of nettles into his solipsistic face.

    • It would be the same if Josef Fritzl offered you advice on soundproofing sex dungeons or Fred West on adding quicklime before laying a patio.

      • Afternoon LL.
        I’d certainly take Fritzl’s advice.
        After all, he hid his sex dungeon away from his wife for 25 years.
        And she “knew nuffink abaaht it”.
        Honest.

  3. My two candidates are Wes Streeting the Nancy know-all and Martin Lewis the camp crusader – they both think they know it all, when if fact they know fuck all about anything apart from “looking good” on the idiots lantern.

  4. A customer recently told me of something very similar. She was mowing her lawn in the front garden and some busybody came up to her and said it was ‘No Mow May’ and she shouldn’t be doing it. He cited the same stuff about insects and ecosystems but we are surrounded by thousands of acres of fields a lot of which have at least some land that is turned over to wildflowers by the farmers. She may have been riding her dirty great ride on mower at the time too. Good.

  7. Oh so it was you I was talking to the other week Ron. I’m sorry you didn’t heed my friendly advice and carried on destroying the insects’ nutrition and habitat. How would you like it if the bees destroyed your house and food? It’s because of people like you that Arthropds and Lepidoptera are nearly extinct. And because of climate change of course. And probably racism and Brexit too.

    What’s more had you not dismissed me so rudely I would have pointed out that you have Spanish bluebells in your garden, a non-indigenous, invasive species. Frankly you should dig them out and replace them with English bluebells.

    Only saying.

    • Funny you should mention those fucking Spanish Bluebells Geordie.

      I’ve dug up umpteen sackfulls of the cunts over the years, and still they appear like dinghy divers every Spring.

      The bastards.

      • Yes, we’ve got them everywhere too Ron. I planted them decades ago, so it’s my own fault.

        I’m even wondering if they deserve to be cunted.

  9. On the subject of clueless cunts, Ron, I noticed that Hollywood arsehole Tom Hanks at the Aston Villa vs Liverpool game recently.

    Like that crosseyed cunt Ryan Reynolds at Wrexham, and arch-weirdo Tom Cruise at the Manchester Derby, Hanks looked like he was reading from an auto-cue and it seemed he had zero knowledge of the English game.

    As I watched Hanks shouting (like he always does), I wondered what proper Villa supporters thought of this cunt?

    • He once said something to the effect of ‘I chose Villa because I was curious about the name; I mean, who is Aston? Why are they named after a house?’.

      Oh well, at least he didn’t ‘choose’ Man City cos they’d just won the title. Not a glory hunter at least.

      How ya doin’?

      • I’m not too bad Ron. Went to the kidney unit yesterday. And for once it was nice, quiet and Paki-free. Quite a rarity.

        Never took to Hanks. Too shouty for me. Mind you, I don’t like any of them Hollywood types.

      • And Forrest Gump is the biggest load of syrup drenched schmaltz. A proper load of shite.

  10. Some people just don’t get the message Ron.
    If you see the cunt again put aside your genteel demeanour for a moment and scream fuck off at him before he starts his fucking yap!

    • Never never seen the twat before C in S. Ifhe’s back this way, I hope he got the message.

  11. Who doesn’t love unwarranted advice..

    I live for people telling me how to do my job, you need a axe for that job mate..

    “Do you mind I don’t come to your place of work and tell you how to decapitate a prostitute”..

    • Police seem especially good at this.

      ‘Let me just give you a few words of advice…’.

      ‘No thanks; if I want any advice I’ll ask for it’.

      • One I use to use was : “You can be my sexual advisor.” Invariably it got the reply “What’s a sexual advisor?” which would get the response “When I want your fucking advice I will ask for it”

  12. The sort of know-all I hate is the one that always has to go one better.

    Where I used to work there was a cunt who would always have to get the last word.
    If you said you did a shit in the Sahara Desert, this person would say ‘I know, I stood in it.’

    Or ‘Did you see that film ‘JFK’ ?’
    ‘Yeah, I shot him.’

    • We all know one of those, Norman.

      You’ve got a cold, he’s got flu, etc, etc adfuckinginfinitum.

    • Yep; I’ve got a dear friend who I’ve known for years but who has that ‘going one better’ bug.

      If you say that you’ve got a 5% rate deal on your ISA, he’ll have one at 5.25% etc and so forth…

  13. Excellent nom Ron and I would beg to widen it out. This whole attitude of feeling you have the right to tell other people what they should and should not do is a basic tenet of organised religion. Someone suggested on here recently that your response to an accusation of being a racist should be; “Yes, and so?” Perhaps your response to your importuner should have been; “What are you, a fucking Christian?”

    • Cunts who THINK they have some sort of authority to tell others what to do are the worst in my view Arfur.

      A friend called Cathy likes to recall a visit to London a while ago, where at one point she was taking photos in Regent St or somewhere.

      After a minute or so, out comes some cunt who looked and spoke as though he was just of the boat (you get my drift). He approaches with an aggressive manner and starts going on ‘no picture of building! No picture!’.

      Now Cathy might be all of five foot two but she’s from Nor-thrun Oirland, and takes no shit from anybody. ‘This is a public place’ says she, ‘I’ll take all the pictures I want. Go away’.

      At which point Umbongo tries to block her view and goes on ‘no picture! Company policy!’.

      ‘Listen prick’ says Cathy, ‘your “company policy” means Jack Shit out here on the pavement’, and promptly walks up to the glass frontage and fires off a couple of dozen snaps of the interior, plus a couple of this security bozo for good measure.

      ‘Po-liss called!’ rants Laughing Boy, to which Cathy responds ‘be my guest Sunshine’, fires off a few more shots for good measure, and strolls off.

      In one way you’ve got to laugh, but then, just who do these interfering cunts think they are?

  14. OT. Ex- Post Office boss Paula Vennells cries and admits she lied to MPs about postmasters.

    Too late, bitch. You’re toast….

      • If only some busybody had stuck their nose into this cunts handling of the fiasco years ago instead of believing the PO would clear up their own mess.

      • I didn’t think I could feel sorry for her. If her tears weren’t genuine then she should get an Oscar.

      • She’s been a total cunt. Careers were wrecked, marriages were ruined, reputations were shat on and torn up, lives were destroyed. It was all shit and she knew it. Didn’t give a toss, till she was caught herself. No sympathy whatsoever. A complete and utter cunt.

      • Of course they’re genuine Wanksock. Because she got caught. She needs to be in the dock for fraud, perjury and corporate manslaughter charges.

  15. A few years back, maybe decades, I was on a job for the government.
    Bit hush-hush so can’t go into details.
    But me and my partner were sat in a gloomy bedsit awaiting a mark who we’d been commissioned to terminate.
    Anyway, I decided to have a cup of tea and possibly an Eccles cake while we were waiting.
    So I told my partner, Gus was his name if I recall correctly, to make some tea.
    We had been provided with a calor gas stove and a kettle to boil the water.
    Anyway I handed Gus the matches and told him to light it.
    “Light what?” he said.
    “The kettle,” I replied.
    “You mean the gas.”
    “Who does?”
    “You do.”
    “What do you mean, I mean the gas?”
    “Well, that’s what you mean, don’t you? The gas.”
    “If I say go and light the kettle I mean go and light the kettle.”
    “How can you light a kettle?”
    “It’s a figure of speech! Light the kettle. It’s a figure of fucking speech!”
    “I’ve never heard it.”
    “Light the kettle! It’s common usage!”
    “I think you’ve got it wrong.”
    “What do you mean? Who’s the senior partner here, me or you?”
    “You.”
    “Look. Nobody says light the gas! What does the gas light?”
    “What does the gas…?”
    “THE KETTLE, YOU FOOL!”
    “All right, all right, keep your hair on.”
    “Well, what are you waiting for?”
    “I want to see if they light.”
    “What?”
    “The matches.”
    At that point I gave up the will to live, resigned my commission, and not looked back since.
    Except in anger.
    The cunt…

    • He’s going before his £400million Rwanda bollocks is proved conclusively to be the scam that it is.

      The hundreds of Tory MPs who will lose their seats 4 months earlier than expected (along with £32,000 + expenses) will be apoplectic!

      Boo-hoo. 😭

      • For the fucking useless they’ve been they ought to be grateful they won’t be thrown into an oublié or, very slowly, minced into dog food.

      • Bit premature to rule that scenario out, Moggie.
        Could easily happen once Labour’s concentration camps are up and running.

    • It’s not imminent, it’s on 4th July.
      Imminent means almost immediately, 4th July is six weeks away. That’s me being an annoying know-it-all cunt.

  17. Sounds like every bureaucratic government agency in existence from the cunt that goes round checking recycle bins to the agencies that audit the productive people who have businesses.
    Fuck off with your long noses all of you cunts!

  18. I hope our political editor Mr Ron Knee is ready for six weeks of bullshit and plenty of overtime.

    • Rarin’ to go old son.

      Speaking of busybody cunts, get ready for them knocking on your door, looking to get your vote.

      ‘Yeah, I’ll vote for you Mr Alibaba. From the river to the sea. Can I join your grooming gang?’.

  19. Nettles?
    Fuckin nettles in.the garden?

    I’m sorry Ron, but I’d die of fuckin shame if someone mentioned i.had nettles in miserables half acre.

    Did he mention anything about the old piss stained mattress snd broken trampoline?!!

    Fuck me.
    Some people have no shame…..

    • I know Miserable.

      Had to get the fuckers out quick, or her from the residents’ association would have been round. I’d have been ashamed to show my face in public.

  20. Ron’s cunting of said busybody has put me in mind of ‘You Don’t Want To Do It Like That’ from Harry Enfield & Chums.

    • It’s a white cunt thing as well.

      Truth will.out.
      Don’t get old black.cunts or elderly Ramjams sticking their beak into others jobs.

      Just old white cunts.

      ” I’m.head of the neighborhood watch.”

      ” You.know my son.works for the council”

      I know you should fuck.off and mither someone else.

      • Yeah I love it when someone tells you how to do your job. One has a bit of a fetish about me mowing wet grass.

        I tell her someone has to be first on my round and I can’t be starting at 10.00 or 11.00 waiting for it to be completely dry.

        I’m talking about a bit of morning dew not sopping wet btw, its either now or I’ll see you in a fortnight and charge you twice as much because it will take longer so you are not saving anything.

      • There’s plenty that like to tell tradesmen how to do their jobs.

        Despite never doing it personally.

        There’s a reason gas engineers and mechanics do apprenticeships.

        So your house doesn’t blow up or your wheels don’t fly off when rounding a corner.

        I get knobheads telling me how to load a van then drive it hundred miles.

        I could do it that way.

        Your furniture would be matchwood at the other end like.

        Best do it properly eh?
        Fuckin idiot.

      • An elderly neighbour leaned over the fence and told me that the way I was hanging my washing up on the rotary clothes line was “rude”. I was not expecting this at all and asked for an explanation. I was informed that any underpants need to be on the inside then hidden by other garments. I found this mindset deeply disturbing. The cheeky old cunt asked if we would cut her grass the next day – clearly not too immoral for that duty.

      • @ Mary

        Did you cut it then? Or tell her to piss off…

        PS just saw your new nom.Most excellent bit of cunting!

  23. If you had Japanese knotweed growing in your garden, you wouldn’t get some nosy cunt telling you to leave it alone, they would gladly help you to get rid of the bastard.

  25. I don’t mean to be a busybody know-it-all, but the nomination title “Busybody Know-It-Alls” doesn’t really seem accurate: it should probably be “Busybody ENVIRONMENTALIST Know-It-Alls”.

    And yes…. before any busybody know-it-all decides to be a busybody know-it-all, I’m aware that I was being a busybody know-it-all – that was the fucking point of the response you busybody know-it-all! It’s called sarcasm and satire.

  26. I had a Saturday job at a local supermarket, back in my yoof.
    Some snotty woman handed me a load of coupons at checkout and then tried to tell me how much should come off from her bill and how I should ring it up on the till. I told her that I had handled several hundred coupons during my illustrious checkout career and didn’t need her advice. She made a complaint and the manager told me to apologise which I refused to do.
    That was the end of my dream job. I was so upset, I rejoiced all the way home.

    • Fucking hell, that manager is a cunt. All because you told a customer her advice wasn’t needed.

  27. I work in a highly technical and specialised area of IT. What really pisses me off is the number of people (pond life as I like to call them) who don’t work in my area of expertise but who always seem to know how to do something, how to fix something or know exactly how long something should take and why haven’t I done it by now?

    To those I say only this: Don’t worry your pretty little head about the details, an experienced and knowledgeable adult will take care of this. Now fuck off.

    • There are always smart aleck drivers about ready to shout at others at the drop of a hat ‘you want to learn to drive mate’ or some other term of abuse.

      I once had the great fortune to be with the wife when some arse in a van, who’d been trying to intimidate the wife for the heinous fault of driving within the speed limit, pulled up next to us at the lights and yelled ‘you want to learn to drive love’. Winding down her window, she shouted back ‘do you mean learn to drive like a cunt, like you?’.

      The look on the twat’s face was priceless.

    • @IY I’m in IT as well and anyone who has used WiFi seems to think they know how to build a network.
      I like to tell them that WiFi is NOT Internet.

      They get a look on their faces like they just found out they were adopted.

      Why did you hire a professional? That’s right.

      • Nice one, MC.

        Unfortunately for people like us, the internet is able to be used by cunts who shouldn’t. People’s instant access to anything and everything 24×7 has produced a generation of end users whose ‘elevated’ understanding of all things tech fails to match their intellect to do so. They are, in effect, cunts.

        Cheers – IY.

  28. Fucking obnoxious split arse – see, “confident young woman” – I work with falls into this category.

    I’ve been doing what I do for roughly 10 years and have been lucky to make a living out of it being self-employed.

    This tart hasn’t a clue, but has now taken it unto herself to tell me how to do my job, because she’s got a fancy job title of Business Development Manager.

    I, on the other hand, well, you can call me Suzanne if you like, as long as you listen to my experience and let me get on with my job with minimal interference. She cannot grasp this and picks constantly, despite having zero knowledge of automotive/motorsport.

    Anyway. I’ve got my notice lined up for her next misinformed fucking comment. Can’t wait to drop that on her.

    Slightly off topic, but my other half gets upset when I get on one about wimminz in the workplace and split arses. Thanks for listening, Cunters!

    • I bowed to his intellectual superiority Termujin. The pale, weedy little cunt looked as though he had a degree in Ecological Studies from the University of Brighton.

    • Oh, I am, Ron. The notice letter I have prepared is scathing.

      You keeping well, mate?

      • So so mate; got to go into hospital shortly for an op which I’m desperately hoping will prove to be absolutely routine. These things always get me worked up.

        How’s things yourself? Will you share your letter with us all when appropriate? I trust you’ll be copying it around at work for others to see?

    • Never nice to have an op, irrespective of size. I’ll keep everything crossed for you and hope you get back fighting fit as soon as.

      Oh aye, I’m not gonna even bother emailing it to her, she’s made the work environment so unpleasant. General channel on the work group chat it’ll be.

      I’ll happily share it here. Let me wait until she comes up with another ridiculous demand. I doubt it’ll be long… cunt.

      • Excellent!

        We can look forward to seeing a fucking know-all getting put in her box.

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