Bank branch closures. Yes, I know, everyone banks online these days (I don’t) so what’s the need for them? More to the point, banks long ago gave up any pretense of offering a service to their customers. Closing branches cuts costs and boosts the bottom line, so suck it up Johnny Customer.
But here’s a really egregious example of shitting on your customers. The last two banks in Alnwick, Northumberland, namely Lloyds and Halifax, will close next year. So it’ll be stand in the Post Office queue for half an hour or travel 20 miles if you want face-to-face banking in a town with a population of 8,000, many of whom are retired and would not feel safe banking online. Furthermore, Alnwick serves a large rural hinterland with no other banks.
I must declare a personal interest here as I use both branches on occasions and my grandfather was manager of Lloyds in Alnwick. What really annoys me though is that Halifax is a subsidiary of Lloyds. So why not close one (they’re next door to each other) and offer to switch accounts to the one kept open? That way they’d keep people happy and probably retain their business. As the last bank in the town they might even gain some accounts from other banks – Barclays closed their branch just last year for example.
But no, they’re both going, sacrificed on the altar of the cashless society and the bottom line. The Banks won’t be satisfied until they’ve closed every branch in the country and those that rule us can then usher in the digital currency they desire and give themselves total control over our lives.
Fuck off Lloyds Banking Group, you cunts.
Nominated by: Geordie Twatt
Good nomination, but your first sentence needs some addition.
people only do more online banking now, because these cutting banks have deliberately closed or reduced in branch services and forced us to go online……very much against my will.
I use natwest and there’s fuck all I can do in branch…and if there is a service they do offer some spotty cunt in a uniform and a tablet book me into a waiting queue for half an hour.
they tell us people want more online banking….in reality you remove services to force you online.
it’s all bollocks just to save them money.
31
Just like business and government are trying to do with cars. On TV ads it’s easier these days to spot a Caucasian male than it is to spot an ICE engined car. Two faced, profiteering and all pissing in the same pot cunts.
14
Lloyd’s Wanking Group (no reflection on your Grandfather, the Manager who I am sure was a good and decent chap).
Say no more.
5
My grandfather belonged to the Capt Mainwaring school of banking.
A few years after he retired credit cards were introduced and he said at the time that unsecured lending would end in tears.
He was’t wrong.
14
cutting= cunting
predictive text shit.
3
I wholeheartedly endorse this cunting. “Helping Britain Prosper” my arse.
In 2021 we went away to York for our anniversary. I came back £150 down on what I’d spent. I went through the transactions and there’s all sorts for e-bikes, etc etc.
York’s a lovely city, especially in the height of summer. Why would you want a fucking e-bike anyway?
Anyway, they made me jump through hoops to verify that somehow, my account had been hacked and it wasn’t me making these transactions. Eventually I got the money back after having a set-to with one of their Scotch telephone staff.
I closed the account shortly after and switched to Revolut for day-to-day stuff, and Natwest for sensible things. The difference between the three banks is remarkable.
7
Perhaps they expect people to leap on to one of those black horses that feature in their nauseatingly pretentious ads and gallop 20 miles to the nearest branch. Cunts.
22
Frankly, I find it raayyy-cissst that Lloyds still persists with a darkîe nag. Why can’t they change it to a honky nag or a light brown one? Perhaps they could use one with three legs or one that identifies as a duck.
14
A pantomime horse would get them whilst they’re young.
5
Profit,the customer can fuck off.
Online,apps whatever..all fine til you have a problem and end up waiting to speak to “Daniel” in Bombay or a “chatbot” that’s as thick as shit.
Banks couldn’t give a fuck,getting rid of their estate and staff is a big win for them.
A total set of cunts who are never wrong and if they are we pay for their mistakes.
Hard currency Oven.
18
These chat bots only serve as a means to get the old heart pumping and adrenaline spewing from every orifice.
How fucking thick are the companies who let this shite past quality assurance.
Fury stoking gash!
8
Is a `chatbot` someone who talks out of their arse? 💩
12
No, you’re thinking of a ‘politician’ Sam.
17
Our local TSB closed just before Xmas, following Lloyds, Barclays and Nationwide. Only Halifax remains, and they’re only open 4 days a week (and never on weekends). They’re asshats.
I saw something about some town or other where the banks all shared a building, hot-desking with each other as one bank used it Mondays, another Tuesdays, etc. Rather than losing banking altogether in small towns, why don’t more of these schemes emerge?
8
nationwide has just bought out virgin money and promises its branches will all stay open for at least another year….we will see
2
I can’t use online banking. Because of my severe mobility issues, I get ‘timed out’ if I don’t complete a action within the time frame of a few seconds they give you. And that included their fucking complaints form about the subject😡
14
Money is for morons.
I use beads and shiny things.
📿
15
Not tings?
7
Certainly not, Isabel: I`m one educated ɹǝɓɓᴉu.
7
my wife uses her arse to get things from me
8
how she get on with a new set of tyres
5
Not magic beans, Sam?
5
Round my way, beads and shiny tings attract magpies, thieving cunts.
4
I’m an online banker, and would be happy to do everything online – but my joint account has a maximum daily withdrawal limit of £10k, and which has to be done in £2k increments. I have recently had to make a couple of unusual big transactions (loaning money to the business to buy new vehicles) and this fucking ridiculous restriction has made the whole process ridiculously stressful. When I went online to try to change these absurd limits, guess what I was told? You have to go into your nearest branch to make these changes.
The nearest branch, following the closure of our local branch two years ago, is a convenient 35 miles away, and is closed any time I can get away from desk to go there.
Cunts.
17
Fuck bankers, fuck lawyers, fuck GPs, fuck teachers, fuck parliament, fuck the police, fuck the MSM. fuck big Pharma, fuck environmentalists, fuck civil servants, fuck local government. Fuck off and leave us alone you useless fucking cunts.
22
PS Good afternoon, everyone.
11
I use the Chris Rock banking method. I hide my money in books. Like he said, “Books are like Kryptonite to N*ggizz”. So it’s safe and easily accessible.
11
I find internet banking infinitely more convenient than how business used to be conducted.
Can’t remember the last time I had to go to a branch for anything.
Probably back in the ’90s when I still had the occasional cheque to deposit.
That said, I have two current accounts with Lloyds and one with Barclays, and would hate for either of them to close their branches in my town.
It’s reassuring to know that you can go along for a chat or spray the place with bullets if needs be.
11
Cash always, keep the bare minimum in the bank for direct debits, keep the rest hidden at home you get the same amount of interest under the bed as the bank pays you. If s business wont accept cash fuck em off and find one that does. If you dont fight the push for a cashless society you are going to seriously regret it, total control and an end to privacy and the freedom to buy what you want from who you want, and taxed till it makes your eyes bleed.
25
With all these closures, cutting staff, saving tons of cash and spanking profits through increased interest rates these cunts (all of them, not just Lloyd’s) must be making a fucking killing.
Who invented what now know as modern banking, yep – the Jews.
4
Another 20 years of unvetted immigration and your be glad of online banking and online everything else..
It will be like mad max, but on foot and bicycles..
Funny enough just had a porch monkey come up to me saying he was hungry..
I said you should really force yourself..
8
don’t mention cyclists, had one weaving about infront of me the other day, the urge to clip his back wheel was overwhelming, i had to slap myself to stop from flipping the cunt over a garden hedge
6
I hate going to the bank.
Full of fuckin old cunts mithering at the desk whilst the queue snakes out the door.
I can barely resist the urge to scream
” Look you silly old bitch!
Fuckin hurry up!”
People like me who do things effectively at speed should be issued with stun guns and sheriff badges for this slothlike doddering old fucks.
13
MNC, I bet you offer to help the old dears and say look love, give me the cash, I will keep it in a safe place for you.
🤣🤣🤣
7
Or 4 cunts visibly meandering around behind the counter while only 1 open counter for a queue of ten plus.
Or, conversely – I once walked in to a (Ulster) bank where there was NO queue, and 2 useless articles at the counter, yapping.
C.card. and cash presented..
“I want to knock this amount off the balance”
“You’ll have to post a quick deposit envelope in the hatch there”.
“Why?”
Whatever way the to and fro continued, I DO remember my last line, telling the cunts outright to manually handle the basic task, whilst (me)using what I’d describe as an adequate amount of swearing. Which (the transaction)one of the two cunts then finally did, two of them faces on them like I’d murdered their fuckin’ kids, or something.
Place is closed like all the rest of them now too, but yeah … proves a lot of this apathetic shit is just testing to see what they can get away with.
7
At least you have the smug knowledge that the 2 cunts were laid off. Or sold into the sex trade, or made into cat food.
6
eww.
Unfortunate Johns that’d have to sling sheckles at either of ’em for a bit of stickybellyflapcock.
OR any poor feline having to chow down on them, either…
Bank type chick staff. Not exactly Hooters material, ever. I recall a single ONE from twenty years back, that met my lofty standards 😄
2
You have the patience of a saint, MNC.
I ran into an old cunt once – knocked him clean off his feet!
“You need to watch where you’re going,” I said.
Then I saw his white stick.
Turned out he was blind as well as old, the worst type.
Most embarrassing, it was.
But me being a good Christian and all that I got him to his feet and checked he was ok.
He asked me to help him across the busy High Street, so I guided him to a pedestrian crossing and we crossed it.
“Goodbye” I said, but he held onto my arm.
“Lead me to the bank.” he said.
“Don’t you have a dog?” I enquired.
“yes,” he replied, “but he’s having a lie in this morning.”
I took this blind man by the hand and we walked for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually we arrived at the bank and entered.
Leaving the blind man at the door, I approached the cashier.
“You see that man standing near the door?”
“Yes,” said the cashier, “I can see him clearly.”
“Well he can’t see you, so be kind to him.”
Blind man shuffled up towards the cashier.
The cashier got a stick out and poked the blind man in the teeth.
“Hey! I cried, what you do that for? It’s not nice.”
“He don’t know what that was,” said the cashier, “he probably thought it was a bee hitting him.”
“Alright,” I said, “You got away with it this time, but proceed with caution, this is a man with a complex, get me?”
“Yeah, ok.” said the cashier sullenly.
The blind man shuffled up to the window…
Suddenly the cashier brought the window down on the blind man’s hands – BANG!
“Oh, I’m sorry sir,” said the cashier, “I didn’t notice you were blind, I thought you would have seen me closing this window.”
“That’s alright, young man,” cried the blind man in pain, “I don’t notice these things, I didn’t realise you were closing.”
“I’m not,” said the cashier, “I was just testing the window.”
He lifted the window and let the blind man’s hands go free.
“Phew!” said the blind man flapping them in relief.
After he’d calmed down the blind man took a rolled up wad of bills from his coat pocket.
I noticed the cashier was drooling.
“There’s £10,000 here,” said the blind man pushing the wad across the counter.
“I’ll have to count it first,” drooled the cashier.
I was watching from the side.
“No, I’m sorry Mr Blindman,” said the cashier as he finished counting, “there’s only £10 here.”
I was astounded! “Hey!” I said, “what about all the stuff you dropped behind the counter?”
Blind man said: “I’ve been saving up ever since I was born; it’s been my guide to the future.”
The cashier told him to get fucked.
The blind man fell to his knees and prayed to God.
Thunder clapped, sky opened up, and an angel of the Lord appeared by his side.
“May I be of assistance?” chirped the heavenly messenger.
“This man’s taken my money,” whined the blind man.
Before I knew it the angel swung round and punched me violently in the stomach! “Give him his money back!” he snarled.
“No, no,” cried the blind man, “not him. The man behind the counter – the cashier!”
“What do you mean,” said the angel eyeing the blind man suspiciously, “he’s supposed to take your money, he’s the cashier, why are you bothering me, I’ve got more important things to do than teach blind men about banking!”
And with that the angel disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The blind man started crying, he didn’t know where to turn for help.
I told him to pray to God again – maybe he’ll send a more understanding angel down next time.
The blind man nodded and prayed to God again.
Thunder clapped again, sky opened up again, and there appeared the same angel, again.
“Is that you praying for me again, Blindman?” said the irritated angel.
“Yes,” said the blind man instantly. “that man – he’s taken my money!”
Immediately the angel’s fist was again buried in my stomach!
“I knew there was something fishy going on down here,” he snapped. “You took his money, didn’t ya?”
“No,” cried the blind man again, “it wasn’t him, it was the man behind the counter there – the cashier!”
The angel veritably screamed: “Hey! If I’ve told you once I’ve told you twice: don’t call us down here for owt! Now I’m going up again now and I’m not coming down again. You’ve had your last chance, you bloody blind fool, you.”
Head in hands, the blind man wept. Suddenly he took his white stick and lashed out blindly in the direction of the cashier who grabbed the stick, snapped it in two and threw it aside.
Then the manager came out of his office, grabbed the blind man by the beard and dragged him towards the door muttering “we can’t have these angels cluttering up our bank, it’s bad for business, don’t you know that? Now get the hell out of my bank!”
I led the blind man out.
“I saw that terrible deed,” I said. “All your money gone in the blink of an eye.”
The blind man held onto my arm. “Lead me to a house for destitutes.” he said.
I led him through the busy streets.
I noticed a bus coming our way and thought: this blind man deserves better.
Jumping on the bus I pulled the driver’s eyes from their sockets and ran back to the bewildered blind man.
“Look, I’ve got some eyes for you!”
“Eyes?” he said.
“Come on,” I said taking his arm.
I took him back to his home.
His dog was awake now, demanding roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
I took the blind man into his kitchen, pulled out his eyes and chucked them in the bin.
I stuck in the bus driver’s eyes.
“How’s that?” I asked.
The blind man said he could see, but was seeing left to right, rather than right to left which was the way he thought he should be seeing.
I whipped them out and swapped them round.
“That’s perfect,” he said.
He looked around the room for a few moments.
“Was the driver wearing glasses?” he asked.
“No,” I replied.
“Well he should have been,” said the blind man, “cos I can’t see a damn thing, he must’ve been blind.”
“Oh, can’t you be more sure of yourself, blind man?” I cried in frustration.
The blind man jumped up and commanded his dog to attack me, but the dog attacked the blind man instead.
“Ha-ha,” I laughed, “that’ll teach you to set your dog on me, your dog must be blind too!”
“He is,” said the blind man in tears, “he’s also rather stupid, keeps leading me across the road when cars are coming. I don’t understand it. When I was given this dog they said: ‘Alright, you’re a blind man, here’s a blind dog. Take it and be satisfied with your gift from God.’ God? Ever since then it’s been ‘don’t create havoc in our shops’, and goodbye life savings, and ‘don’t bother us again.’ Anyway, why you don’t just flake off!”
I took the blind man’s advice.
No good deed goes unpunished, I thought.
One week later he was on the front page of my local rag for fondling a young girl’s breasts.
Said in court he thought they were bean bags full of shooting stars.
Yeah, right.
5
Blind cunts are like that.
Mitherers.
2
Fuck me, that’s the longest thread I’ve ever seen.
Even Caught Spedding didn’t use so many words.
12
Was he the cunt who hit that bridge in Baltimore?
5
I was in the same vicinity of that crackpot world when a nutcase escaped from a mental hospital and hid inside a laundrette. Then decided to rape the two washerwomen having been denied the presence of females for years. He raced from the premises and was killed crossing the road. On the spot was a newspaper editor who witnessed it all and immediately had to think of a headline. “Nut Screws Washers Bolts Dyes.”
6
I was at the cashpoint the other day, when an old lady asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.
1
Captain Mainwaring will be spinning in his grave. 🤣
4
My nearest branch of TSB is in Grimsby only a short 50 plus mile hop.
5
why can’t all the banks get together and take over a big old woolworths or such and have a unit each, like a banking arcade in every town, they can split the rent and security…..guess that would be too intelligent for them
7
It’s a sound notion, however profit takes priority.
Plus the local Stasi, sorry council will probably veto it due to a climate crisis or some such wokerey.
9
Suppose you’ve got to look at it from the banks point of view that there won’t be any town centres left the way some of them look at present, nothing more than boarded up shanty hovels with intermittent vape shops and 💩take aways used as drug laundering dens…. who’s to blame? ….take your pick you won’t be spoiled for choice 🙃
7
Banked with em for years, they’ve been ok over the years, however it’d be interesting to see just how ‘by my side’ they’d be (as their advert say) if I got into financial difficulties.
The local branch in my town is hanging by a thread, due to demographic, I.e old white population being replaced ….
I popped in the other lunchtime and was pleasantly greeted by staff who couldn’t be more helpful. They were pleased to deal with someone who didn’t stink, spoke English (not pole lak or sand-w-og) and had more than a few pennies in the account.
Sadly the demise of the high street is in lockstep with the ruination of the cuntry.
13
Around our way the only branches left open in the suburbs are in the high immigrant area. I went to a couple recently and was amazed at how many people were paying their utility bills. Obviously not grasped the direct debit concept.
4
Consider yourself lucky that the bastards were paying their bills, not leaving a debt the company then forces every other customer to cover.
7
There’s some little office Jockey who always eyes me with suspicion in the bank I use.
The cunt fawns over some old doddering miser,
But when it’s my turn I’ve noticed he never calls me ‘sir’.
Should I complain about the cunt to NatWest ?
He’s clearly racist.
Or beard phobic.
Maybe it’s because of the dog?
But there’s no sign saying dogs aren’t allowed.
Anyway,
Fuck em
5
He’s to customer service what Baltimore is to bridge building.
5
He’s beard phobic.
3
They just don’t want to deal with the general public.
Always making out that they are doing you a favour. Community this or community that when most of the highstreets are tumbleweed towns.
All bollocks.
I think the rot set in with Howard from the Halifax.
4
Howard fell out with the Halifax over their policy re gender pronouns.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10974669/MARGARETTE-DRISCOLL-Howard-Brown-brands-Halifax-DISGRACEFUL-gender-badges-row.html
7
Credit to him for standing up to them. The cunts in charge need introducing to a high velocity shovel.
8
Lloyds Values;
‘We put people first’.
Oh do fuck off. We all know what every bank puts first; PROFITS
Evening all.
9
Most banks used two or even three-factor authentication when it comes to online banking. Moreover, some banks don’t want you to use their online banking via desktops or laptops using a browser like Chrome or Edge
Instead, they want you to use their app which means installing it on your phone or tablet that comes with Android or iOS as the operating system.
They insist on this because they can track your whereabouts, as well as access your contacts, photos and in some case text messages and other PI.
In their defence they say having an app on a phone offers far more security compared to using a browser on a PC because the app will detect the IP address, MAC address and make/model of the phone that is assigned to you. And therefore if the phone is stolen or hacked they will have a better idea of who has it and how it was hacked into.
And that’s why they sometimes insists on 2FA or 3FA, which is fine if you’re able minded and good with your fingers; but a fucking nightmare if you’re old, infirm or have arthritic fingers.
The apps are a snooper’s charter and by accessing your private information via what you say on text messages they could actually close your bank account and cancel you for being a far right cunt!
11
It’s even worse when you’re abroad, waiting for a text that never arrives
3
Lloyds wanking group can jump off a cliff.They all want the “plebs digital and”subdued”.Not a chance.Shit for brains.
6
I prefer online wanking and rather speak face to face when dealing with money. Nearly got them the wrong way round the other day when facing a beautiful lady one busy afternoon.
6
I have to travel 40 miles to visit my bank now.
Bit by bit, the high street banks are all but disappearing.
Then it’ll be the turn of the cash points (which are already increasingly fewer in number and more often are out of order)
Card/contactless and online digital transactions only.
Yippee.
6
” That’ll be £118 please ”
Said the young lady behind the counter, the other day.
As she thrusted the card machine towards me.
I handed her six Bobby’s, with a smile.
Cash is King.
Good evening.
9