Haemorrhoids

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Now then chaps a challenging wank bank picture for you this morning. C.A.

Piles. Chalfonts. Farmers. Plymouths. Nurembergs. are cunts.

Around five years ago, I had a nasty bout of gastroenteritis in Eastern Europe. I ended up blowing my back doors out and giving myself a robust case of piles.

It turns out they didn’t drop off, so I’ve ended up with a ringpiece that resembles the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

Anyway, I’ve finally surrendered to years of constant itchy arse, suppositories and weapons-grade Roid Raider cream. Next month, The good ol’ NHS will be cutting the spiteful little cunts off.

However, I’m fucking terrified. I have an embarrassingly low pain threshold, and a pal of mine who had his farmers lopped off said it was like sitting on a hornet’s next for about a month after.

The only benefit I can see here is a liquid diet after the op for a fortnight as I am a bit fat. The GP didn’t find it funny when I suggested a “Farmhouse Cider Cleanse” to really flush my system.

Have any of you fellow cunters suffered with the dreaded Arse Grapes of Wrath or even had them off?

Let me know.

Nominated by Cuntis_cuntis.

64 thoughts on “Haemorrhoids”

  5. That’s Philip Schofield after he lost a bet, the forfeit being Harvey Price going unlubed and elbow-deep into Phil’s ring with one of his enormous meaty forearms.
    He was enjoying it at first, only realising how much trouble he was in when Harvey roared “You my puppet, gonna make you sing.”
    Phil still achieved orgasm though, even screaming, with blood gushing everywhere.
    Holly Willoughby organised the whole experience.

    • Did you enjoy your time moonlighting as Locum Psychiatrist at the Priory, Thommo, helping those poor celebrities off the drugs?

  6. That’s where i left my black pudding..

    Is that sir lindsay arsehole after the roughing up by dame keir and sue gray..

  7. Christ on a fucking bike😱 that looks painful. I pity the poor owner of THAT ring piece.

  8. I suppose we can’t say we weren’t warned. Still, for that photo alone my vote for Cunt of the Day goes to Admin.

  9. Get yourself a swimming belt/rubber ring and use that to sit on.
    By christ, that’s godawful, admin.

  10. Judging by that quavery voice, speech impediment, and passive aggressive attitude and the pained look constantly on his physog, Dame Kweer must have the worst case of haemorrhoids known to medical science. It’s his own fault for allowing himself to be fucked by Anthony Blair so often and Mandy operating the butt plug.

    How did you get a photograph of his arsehole?

  11. If you can get hold of a pet cooling mat, sit on that.

    It’ll come in handy later, to cool your feet in Summer, or under your pillow, so you always have a cool side.

    Also, salt baths, no it doesn’t sting, yes it’s soothing.

    • More like Rishi telling everybody how good he is and how many things he’s going to do, if we all vote for him. Just like the picture, he’s full of shit.

  13. The header pic is the proverbial blood orange bashed with a cricket bat.

    I thought it may be a game of ‘Guess The Celebrity Ringpiece’. Hosted by Elton John and featuring Marc Almond, Jimmy Somerville, Michael Barrymore, Philip Schofield, Holly Johnson, Ru Paul and Huw Edwards. Compared by Owen Jones.

    The strategy of the game is to guess the identity of the celebrity whose ringpiece has been beaten to a bloody pulp by savage rear tail gunning by another celebrity. Winner pockets a lifetime supply of arsehole tampons and a fortnight arse-discovery excursion to Brighton.

  16. Who’s having black pudding for breakfast ? 😁

    Good morning 🌄👍

  18. Fuck me drunk. Admin should be fucking tarred and feathered and paraded round Rochdale wrapped in the Star of David for that pic.

  19. I don’t know if this is a righteous nomination, but I do know I’ll never be able to unsee that image.

    • It’s worse than that cunt bursting out of John Hurt’s gut in ‘Alien’.

      Fucking hell, doctors must see some sights.

  20. You get farmer Giles from various things.

    Eating foreign muck
    Wearing tight undercrackers
    Bad nerves
    Not wiping your arse properly
    And being Right wing.

    Lots of cunters have these disgusting arse clusters like the Jackson 5 hanging off their jacksy.

    Not me.

    You could eat your tea off my arse !*
    It’s spotless.

    ,* that’s not a invitation

      • Morning CP, morning all.
        She is usually on Friday morning Talk Radio slot with some Tory MP whose name escapes me.
        She is a gobby Greek lefty tart who should fuck off home if she doesn’t like it here.

      • I never watch or listen to Talk TV.

        Not even Julia HB can tempt me.

        Like GB News it just seems to revilve around grifting and arguing for clips on youtube.

  23. That picture – jeez!

    Not a long term sufferer of this condition but had it once or twice in a mild but annoying way. Last time I had it, about 7 years ago after a bout of diarrhea, the usual Germoloids and Anusol treatment wouldn’t make it go away. However, we went to China and over there my brother-in-law suggested I consult a local Chinese medicine doctor. He gave me a disgusting herbal drink to take daily – the condition was gone in three days. A rare case of Chinese medicine being better than Western medicine. Until that point I had been going around like Nobby from Nobby’s Piles in Viz.

  24. How the hell do you clean up after a dump with that? Hosepipe? Flame thrower? And the pain must be unbearable. But then if this IS Schofields arse, well then the cunt richly deserves it.

  26. Is this ‘roids or colon cancer?
    looks fucking evil.

    Better have a bit of breakfast to take my mind off of it.

    Black pudding, Cumberland ring and a piping hot plum tomato with a dash of tabasco sauce.

  27. Fuck me sideways thats a definite stage 4 roid, a proper Eurovision entry…

    • Olly Alexander’s probably does resemble that.

      Even the Guardian think he rips off the Pet Shop Boys.

  28. Looks like someone has been to Michael Barrymore’s pool party, awite, bring your trunks, you might stike it lucky

  29. Fear not Cuntis.

    I’m not a regular sufferer but a few years ago for some reason I had one of the little cunts that thrombosed. Had to get to it chopped off, and was dreading it.

    Amazingly the whole process was virtually painless. In and out of the hospital the same day. Was dreading the first dump next day, but only vaguely uncomfortable, and right as rain after a couple of days.

    Don’t know how severe things are in your case, but I’d bet that the experience will prove to be no where near as bad as your fear.

    Anyway, good luck!

  30. There was a bloke at a place iused to work had the piles,blood in the bogs,a right mess.

    He told me he stuffed the piles back up his arse after a shite with his fingers.

    I always fondly remember him offering the ladies biscuits with the very same hand.

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