(Yes, this was intentionally scheduled in time for brekkie, hahaha! – Day Admin)
Ah, those simple pleasures in life; a succulent steak, a good sleep, a fine wine, a leisurely piss, a vigorous, deeply satisfying shag. And let’s not forget that daily commune with nature, involving a comfortable, rewarding sit in the bathroom with a companiable novel for company.
Except that for the last few days, my daily commune has been anything but comfortable or rewarding, due to a bad case of the lincoln log. Indeed, my bathroom visits became increasingly stressful as I struggled for relief; even when I did manage to squeeze out a portion it was like shitting out a lump of coal. It’s bloody miserable and no mistake when you feel that you need the assistance of a stick or a chisel to accomplish your aim.
Luckily release finally came due to the good offices of our GP, who prescribed something called ‘Ispaghula Husk’, a natural remedy prepared in the form of powder which is taken in water.
Oh, the sheer bliss when after two or three of these drinks, normal service began to be resumed. Talk about a load of my mind. I’ll be keeping this magical remedy in
hand in future to make sure that I won’t be faecally challenged again any time soon.
Constipation is a real cunt. Take my advice cunters, don’t let it get you in its grip.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-68654619
Ace!
10
You can’t make a horse sick, but what they churn out from the rear makes up for the flowerbeds.
2
For me it’s bananas and root veg that get things moving
3
Eating them, or sticking them up your arse and stirring things around?
I hate bananas.
7
Is it actually possible to get a banana up the arse without squashing it?
(Again, just asking for a friend)
12
Bananas are great if they’re ripe. Banana bread is tasty too..
4
David Miliband sticks bananas up his arse.
(Allegedly)
5
Do you like a firm young carrot Opey?
Flowers are vulgar little prostitutes for the bees.
5
Don’t encourage them OP!
An open goal for smut.
Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells.
8
‘I once watched an Attenbrough programme about birds and bees. I actually vomited. To think we pay a licence fee for such filth. It was dirty, dirty, dirty’.
Mary Whitehouse (deceased)
12
What was I thinking LL? 😭
5
SCRUBBERS!
5
I misread “open goal” as “open goaT.”
0
I had the opposite recently with the same culprit as MNC; chicken, this time from a takeaway.
5
Poultry kills more people than ISIS .
It should be put on the government extremist list.
Chicken terroraki.
5
Chicken Tikka Time Bomb
2
As we’re on the subject, a few weeks ago I did a three-turd shit. I don’t remember ever having achieved one of these before, two are fairly common, mostly it’s one and a few bits. I hadn’t been saving it up, and I wasn’t desperate to take part in a board meeting, however on this particular day I laid out three logs. No pebbles afterwards, just the three. Now admittedly I did pinch the first one off, but that’s standard practice because if you don’t, you risk finding your first one stood up in the bowl, rearing up out of the water and defying all efforts to flush it away. But still, three turds isn’t anything to be sniffed at. If any cunters have equalled this feat, or surpassed it, I’d be interested to hear.
11
You’re darn right Alan.
It surely isn’t anything to be sniffed at.
8
I did a rare ‘Houdini poo’ a few weeks ago.
Not a three logger though, I salute you sir.
3
The Guinness Book of World Records should be notified.
8
I haven’t scaled those dizzy heights just yet, Allan.
However, when I was a student almost 20 years ago, my two other housemates and I all managed to shit at the same time in each of the house’s three bathrooms.
Pretty certain that’s a once-in-a-lifetime event like some sort of eclipse.
5
@LL, The Ghost! 😁
2
Shit a pot full as my long gone Grandad used to say.
2
@C_C
You should’ve sold tickets. To this day, people would be boasting that they were there!
5
Haha! It’s something we’re all quite proud of, actually, Ron. Like I said, something not too dissimilar to some sort of Faecal Eclipse.
Not sure if it’d go down well under the “Notable Achievements” section on my CV, mind you.
5
Was it the product of a mixed grill and seven pints of Doom bar?
Hopefully hand holds and stirrups were not employed for the birthing.
1
Rearing up like a snake…….. Frank Hovis on the lavatory.
https://youtu.be/HE3P7pvR-Mg?si=Jk7g5qhsCAQtRMt-
0
“When that one gets out, it’s going to be a danger to shipping” ….
Eddie Hitler, 1990-something …
2
Those type 4’s are awesome! Generally come after a dinner with plenty of chips. This weekend I have experienced the full range of 1-8 in no specific order! However red wine does push you towards the 2/3! And with beer it could be anything!!
2
When I first started my treatment, I had bad constipation. Apparently it can be an early side effect of dialysis (although the cunts never told me that). It was a nightmare. Recovering from a covid jab while shitting a brick. I eventually had to use those horrible gel things you put up your arse. Constipation is a bitch.
3
That’s bloody tough Norman. As if you didn’t have enough to put up with.
3
Anyone familiar with the ‘guzzunder’ ?
i
2
Have developed a tendency towards high pressure gas. It doesn’t half take a lot of work to clean the porcelain bus… Caked on like bloody cement.
1