(..and no, before you crack the bleedin’ obvious joke, this ain’t Diane Abbott or Katie Price on their day off!! – Day Admin)
How many of us have ever heard of the alligator snapping turtle, I wonder? Certainly not me, perhaps because it’s a native of the Florida swamps. Yet one has been found in a Cumbrian tarn and named Fluffy by a local vet.
This uninvited, invasive species from one of our erstwhile colonies is known to be dangerous, so our esteemed Prime Miniature wants to deport it to Rwanda.
Claiming that his aggression is due to mental health issues, Fluffy has enlisted a team of Turtle Rights Lawyers, at our expense, to fight his deportation. Luckily, the Rev Dick Head, vicar of St Fuckwits, Penrith, says Fluffy has converted to Christianity and will likely face death if returned to his native land.
Fluffy has now applied to become a British citizen, and the Home Office are fast tracking his case so it will come up for consideration in just 10 years time.
And who is the cunt in this story? Well obviously not the turtle but the stupid bastard who bought it, discovered the thing could grow to 90 kilograms and would cost a fortune to feed and keep warm, then dumped it in a lake. What a fucking irresponsible cunt.
Nominated by: Geordie Twatt
(Very funny nom, mate. Good one! – Day Admin)
He will be grooming native hatchlings in no time.
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Everyone will now be thirsty because all the reservoirs have been taken over by the Home Office to house Fluffy’s extended family.
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Poor fluffy 😕
Sat freezing his scaly arse off in Cumbria dreaming of basking in the Everglades.
Like all foreigners he should fuck off back to his own country.
I’ve seen loads of red eared terrapin in ponds, dumped after the owners dream of teenage mutant ninja turtles wears off.
Invasive species in the UK
Include wallabies, porcupine, coypu, leopard , lynx, mink, and the most successful..
The grey squirrel.
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The only thing missing from this report is some Jonty or Jemima getting bitten whilst wild swimming in the tarn.
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Not forgetting Asians and Africans which without question are invasive species
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Under ‘Invasive Species’ you missed out n*gnog, Red Sea pedestrian, p*ki’s, ragheads, towelheads, camel jockey’s, Dracula’s and one or two other assorted filth.
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You beat me to it Foghorn …
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My ex-wife used to call her growler “Fluffy” – in fact it looks like she supplied the pic for this nom
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How comes animals and plants are always “invasive”
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More to the point, how come peacefuls aren’t?
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Fluffy’s beak looks like Katie Price’s minge. An effective twig n berries slicing device.
Smother Gary Glitter’s twig n berries in peanut butter and let Fluffy explore!
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Just hope they don’t find its mate.
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Is that header picture not David lammy when he hears the seal break on a box of jaffa cakes.
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Well I for one am quite surprised that some Peking Paki hasn’t had that made into a vat of soup.
Wonders never cease in our Multicultural Paradise.
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Fluffy looks a bit like Miriam Margolis without lipstick.
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Cumbria?
Is that one of MNC’s unprocessed turds?
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Great story Geordie.
That is one ugly fucker. Some brainless cunts will buy and try to keep anything.
Here’s another such twat;
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/five-foot-crocodile-kept-uk-21122089
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“INVASIVE SPECIES”.
FLUFFY.
ASIANS.
AFRICANS
EAST EUROPEANS.
TINKERS.
MUSLIMS.
CHANNEL CROSSING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
BLACK DEATH.
CHINA VIRUS
GREY SQUIRRELS.
RHODEDENDRUM.
JAPANESE KNOTWEED.
ETC.
All have one thing in common..
They have / are fucking up a once great country…
Thanks, whoever is in power.
( Some fucker is making money out of the above).
💩
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The once great country became great by being and invasive species so it’s come full circle.
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What goes round I suppose.
The difference may be that the British ” empire” elevated the countries it exploited through education/ technical/ transportation services.
I don’t see any of the above being being applied to our invasive species. If anything quite the opposite, the country is being dragged down to a much less educated /civilised place. You only have to witness yesterday’s shenanigans in the house of commons..!
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Correction, ALL the fuckers are making money out of the above.
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https://twitter.com/crazyclipsonly/status/1759631125889061341?t=Miwzz0Zak3iizBqP7wG_zA&s=19
Some people never learn..
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Serves the cunt right.
Got a slap back👍
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Good news, remember that? Shamina Begum has had her appeal rejected. Did someone in the judicial system grow a pair of gonads? Sorry to go off topic.
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If they find Fluffy’s former owner they should insert it up their arse.
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Ship it out to whatever shithole that begum cunt lives in and shove it up her arse.
Make the BBC broadcast it.
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That will have the lefty cunts clutching their pearls at Saville house
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Stick it in Gary Lineker’s bath saying as he loves dangerous invasive species.
Reminds me of a tale of a local chav who had a pet python which she claimed has “escaped”
The whole town went into meltdown over it. Frightened children, dogwalkers, concerned parents, search parties, the fucking lot.
Turned out the thing had slithered behind the bath panel of the stupid cow’s bathroom and made its home under the bath.
Drama averted. Hopefully the giant serpent has since swallowed her whole.
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Looks like something that’s escaped from McDonald’s.
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I would have given it to a small feral child, as a “pet”, let them find out the hard way, about touching things they shouldn’t.
A few missing digits, would hamper their career choice, of thieving cunt.
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These things have a bite that wouid embarrass an XL bully. Surprised they can survive our climate though. 1000 psi and can chomp through bones.
No DWA license requirements though so no tracing the idiot responsible. Should be clamped to his nuts.
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Didnt some other irresponsible nasty bastard leave giant tortoises to die in a wood? Another utter cunt.
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Yes near me as it happens, no news on if the bastards been found though mores the pity.
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How did they get this into the country in the first place? Did it arrive on a dinghy?
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It would be in its own hot tub in a 5 star hotel if it had!
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Looks like the turd a gay would pass after losing his virginity as his sphincter adjusts to it’s new dimensions.
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This is turtly outrageous.
This pond life shells out for a pet.
Then it’s found in a tarn?!
On the scale of things think he should be up before the beak.
Ok he’s not a terrorist
He’s a terrapin.
But surely he deserves some respect.
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An make it snappy.
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Why was it up north – was it looking for that cunt who “sang” Crocodile Shoes?
Can’t they put it in a cell with Letby and the Chinky cat killer?
And that cunt Gareth Peirce?
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