Shoddy Delivery Service

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I ordered an area rug, for a newly emptied bed/box room, to make it comfy. You know, big chair, huge mahogany desk, white furry cat…

Anyway, the delivery company indicated delivery 24/11, 14:30 to 16:30. Helpfully supplied a tracker app.
I don’t know who planned his route, but whatever he was on, I want some.

End result, no rug, tracker says returned to depot for further delivery at 16:39?
What the fucking what, now? ( for you GC)

Stern letters in the post, well emails, I had plans ( I did) that I cancelled, my time has value, etc.

Be interesting to see what happens.

Which?

Nominated by: Jeezum Priest

71 thoughts on “Shoddy Delivery Service”

  1. We buy our rugs direct from the weaver.
    Normally in a fine cashmere blend or a sheepskin.

    I wouldn’t be seen dead walking on some polyester weave from Home Bargains that’s been in the back of Abdul’s van.

    This Christmas I’ll be mostly walking on a fine alpaca wool rug made by the artisan weavers from Malermo.

    • We don’t all have your refined taste and unlimited budget, Mis.

      I mean, country cream gates?

      Need I say more?

      • Good taste is worth the money.

        I bet most of you people don’t even have hand blown Christmas baubles on your Nordic fir Christmas tree?!!

        Jonty our artisan glass artist does fine work!

      • He said your the bloke he had to fire for sucking rather than blowing Baz?

        Anyway I’m off to work,
        I’m trying to save for some 9carat tinsel😁

    • Thank you Mis, for reminding me of the lovely walks my late loved one and me would take in the Chiltern Hills Amersham. We discovered packs of alpacas, a timid animal that look similar to the llama.

    • Definitely a rug, Barry. Turned up three days later, with no warning whatsoever.

      I was ready to give the delivery man a gobful, but he looked like my dear old Dad, so I just said thank you, like the civilised person I am.

  3. The cunts, usually from DPD or Amazon that put the parcel on the doorstep, don’t ring the bell and fuck off quicker than I can get my fucking arse off the chair. I watched you, you dull cunt. Great when you catch them before they pull away and give them feedback on their shoddy practices and then call the depot to do the same…

    Unadulterated vermin.

    • DPD are useless cunts. Easily confused and not great with navigation.

      So many delivery cunts look dodgy as fuck. surly blokes in hoodies driving filthy vans, skulking up the driveway.
      Not a word from them as they drop the package and flee.
      They look and act like theives in reverse.

  5. They can float a dinghy across the Channel and deliver immigrants to England, but they can’t fly a carpet across town to deliver your rug?

    What the fucking fuck is wrong with this picture?

  6. All this fucking around waiting for Pavel to deliver your cheap Chinese tat in his 1996 VW Golf with no MOT is actually slower and more tedious than getting off your lazy fucking ass and going to the shop.

    Merry motherfuckin Christmas and have a fucked up New Year and all that.

    Spanky

  7. I just hope that Elton John’s leopard skin pouffe that I brought JP for Christmas arrives in time, thanks to MNC’s celebrity contacts. Once JP gives it a wipe down its going to look great! Really pull the room together.

    • Oh dear, LL. I think there has been a slight miscommunication between me and the delivery driver.

      I thought he said ” I am your puff”, to which I responded ” fuck off, Musafa!”.

      On reflection he was probably saying ” I have your pouffe”

      • Jeezum should purchase his rugs from where Elton John does. His has looked thick, waxy, and new for decades. He must go to a specialist washer.

  8. Does anyone else’s heart sink when the find out that Evri (formerly Hermes) is the carrier for their online orders?

    I usually just resign myself to the fact that it’s never being delivered and prepare the refund request email.

      • I had a parcel delivered by them the other day. Looked like the cunts had sat on the bugger. Fuckers gave no shits, but I did get a refund from the seller for some damage. They can all be shite, oddly our evri delivery women are good. Always on time and never had anything lost of damaged( yet). I feel it’s more indicative of our shit society that gives no fucks about good service anymore. Importing shit cunts from rug sniffers, to dark keys to eastern blocks. All of whom get paid pittance and shit all over us. We need to hang out the folk in charge of this shower of shit country.

    • I’ve got to say that our local Evri driver, Scott, is a smashing bloke, never let me down yet, but I have heard some shocking stories from other folk about them.

    • They are indeed a shite company overall but luckily the old guy who does the deliveries to us is very reliable and a nice chap.

      It helps immensely of course that he’s not a foreigner.

      • Same here, Terrence. Our ‘evri’ driver is a good old chap without a hint of swarthiness in him and our postie could be lifted straight from an Enid Blyton novel. Reliable, English, helpful sort with a ready smile. A fine ambassador of His Majesty’s Royal Mail.

        Good show.

      • Unfortunately in London there is every chance the Evri driver doesn’t even speak English, let alone have leave to remain.

        Strangely, they always hide their face from the doorbell camera too. This when they eventually turn up two weeks late with a parcel that looks like has been run over by a Challenger tank.

  9. Uber can show you in real time where the taxi is, but these so called tracking apps just tell you that they have a vague recollection of your parcel passing through their hands today.
    Are they afraid of bandits hijacking the van?

  10. DPD, Amazon and even Evri have all done very good jobs delivery drugs, illicit booze,blow up dolls, guns & ammo to our gaffs in Brum back in the day, and up here in the Lakes.

    It’s those cunts at Royal Snail and Parcel Arse that are about as reliable as a very unreliable thing indeed!

    • Indeed, I sent an item to the states via ups (it was valuable). I sent it on Friday, it arrived Monday. This was standard post too, no expediatied service. I send stuff to the USA via snail mail, it takes over 2 weeks to arrive. I mean Fucks sakes, sort it out!

  11. Amazon always tell me that they will be delivering between 8am and 10pm.

    Thats the entire day fucked then.

    And when they do turn up at Casa Cunter invariably I am on the bog.

  12. A rug you say, Jeezum. It wasn’t one of those from the ‘Mr Wonderful’ range as promoted by Terry Wogan and Fat Reg, was it? Or one from the budget range as worn by Michael Fabricunt?
    I had no problem getting mine delivered and it fitted perfectly until the dog got hold if it and ripped it to shreds.

    • No Geordie. I’ve long since resigned myself to my thinning locks.
      Gone are the white blonde curls of my youth, the be replaced with a gunmetal grey, which I keep closely cropped, as befits a person of my age.

  13. I have neighbours who are forever having these shoddy deliveries, but make it even worse for themselves by not being in. Drivers would occasionally ask me if I could take in packages, which I’ve done for certain ones I don’t mind, but refuse the parcels for cunts. Sometimes my wicked streak kicks in and take the odd cunts box and keep it for days, before remembering to hand it over.

    • I had some greasy cunt delivery man in an old banger ask me to take a parcel for a house not even on our street…get to fuck.

      Last time I accepted a parcel for someone, I removed the cheap pointless contents and did a giant turd in the box.

      Merry Xmas

    • I also like to see the cunts having to squeeze out a squirming thanks when handing over the package I’ve wiped my bellend all over.

    • @Sammy, you shouldn’t have to hand it over. If drivers ask people to take parcels in for neighbours and leave a card or info tracking on website, the lazy cunting neighbours should come to YOU for the package not the other way round.

  14. WordFence’s idea of what is offensive is becoming bizarre.
    Or has it just got it in for me?

  15. Here they hop out of their van and slip a pre written sorry we missed you card, in the most illegible versions of the Roman alphabet and Anglicised numerals I’ve ever seen into the letterbox. Please pick it up yourself from a post office, but not until tommorrow that’s not any of the 6 nearest to you yet coincidentally leased by their uncle from Shandong. Cunts.

  17. The Royal Fail are the worse, see previous cuttings, those Evri wankers a close second.

    DPD ahead of the game currently, a delivery date for something I ordered was, all weekend predicted as today (Tuesday) but nope…. they tried to deliver yesterday, Monday.

    Tough shit no one in, I had to work – anyhow they said Tuesday. They get no prizes for jumping the gun.

    I now resemble the nom picture….

    • I had one from DPD due for delivery on Friday that I requested, online very early, be delivered today. I got email confirmation, then while I was out I got another email saying it had been delivered. Got home, no parcel, no card so I thought the delay had been registered. Sunday I get a knock on the door from a relative of my neighbour, he’d bought the parcel round. What’s the point of having the ability to rearrange the delivery date when they fucking ignore it?

      • Perception of control, they are always going to totally ignore it but it gives you the illusion of customer power…..reverse customer service if you like.

  18. My neighbors and I frequently have to deliver packages to each other because of dense cunts that seem unable to do their complex job of making sure the address on the package matches the one on the FUCKING HOUSE!

    “Sorry I opened your new dildo. I didn’t make sure is was for me before I opened it. Apologies. Have a nice day. Say hello to your wife for me.”

  19. I used to take my nearest neighbours parcels in all the time, in fact she’d deliberately give instructions to the drivers to leave them with me, so she didn’t have to drag her fat carcass out of bed.

    Unfortunately, we’ve had a falling out, so I refuse on the grounds that she could be having guns or class A’s delivered. I DO hope the drivers have been reporting back!

  20. Contact your credit card issuer and ask to speak to payment disputes. They will handle your refund. Don’t fuck with the shite company, they’re cunts.

    • I’m only replying to myself because I had a similar thing happen Oct. 2018. I ordered a set of the postcards that came with the vinyl release of ‘Exile On Main Street’. The ebay listing said something like ‘vintage.’ When I opened the package they were torn up and looked like shit. I sent a message to the seller telling him I was returning them and insuring them for the value of the purchase. The little steamy motherfucker replies and says, “Ha ha, no refunds; you’re stuck w/them.’ I told him I tried to cooperate with him and he was now going to do it my way. He sent more whingy messages. I contacted my bank and filed a payment dispute. The thing is the asshole contested my claim. The bank called me and I told them what a total cunt he was, not venturing into fiction, just the facts. Eventually my claim prevailed. It pisses me off to think about it even now. So file your claim. And thank me for the credit, m8.

  21. “big chair, huge mahogany desk, white furry cat…”

    Are you confessing to being a Bond villain JP?

    You never struck me as the type.
    It’s always the people you least expect.

    • Ah, someone finally got it!

      Yes, I’m furnishing my command center, ready for world domination.

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