I was reading my local online rag today, and they were promoting the ‘new’ Kent & Medway Food & Drink awards. BTW…. (Medway IS in Kent, so fuck knows why it’s called Kent AND Medway….why not just Kent?)
You can nominate in various categories, and there’s £100 prize draw should you decide to nominate a business, so though I would click on the link and have a look.
Here is the link:
Iliffe Media Promotions
Now, the more astute of you cunters will not the various categories of nominations……particularly the one named ‘Food Bank of the Year‘
I mean what the fuck???? Food banks are now in line for awards? Can imagine people going to TripAdvisor to read the reviews of various local food banks and avoiding the 1 2 or 3 star rated ones. ‘er Wayne, our local food bank ‘as got some shit reviews……lets fuck off over to the one in the next town it’s a lot better’
Surely someone at the Kent & Medway food and drink awards are taking the piss, or they have a fuck off ivory tower. I am not a great advocate of food banks, as was once said ‘build it and they will come’ There aren’t queues outside off licenses but I am sure if I opened a beer bank, there would be fucking queues round the block full of people stating they can’t afford the price of beer. Sometimes we create a demand, where before there wasn’t.
Anyway, I digress……..to suggest we should vote for our ‘best’ food bank is deserving of a right cunting.
Nominated by: Chuff Chugger
Congratulations to gravesend for winning the prestigious food bank of the year award.
The no dress code really swung it for the panel..
Let’s have a word with regulars Chelsea and dave..
It’s a great place to come to, the staff are so gullible it’s just a shame they don’t give out alcohol.
Yeah I normally pop in after I’ve blown all my bennies on scratchers and cheap cider. Just to get the kids something to eat..
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Beer Bank eh? Hmmmmmm 🤔
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What about best dinghy landing place? That’s a winner ?
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The Sailing Shitholian is a nice place just off the beach where a weary traveler can enjoy a taste of home with a tepid bottle of mud hole water or a putrid dish of bush meat before moving inland and settling into his new home and a life of cultural enrichment.
For those who’d rather grab and go there’s also Alan’s Snackbar featuring halal take out.
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They could have made it more interesting if they had used a topless Lisa Nandy to test the pliability of various brands of jelly. Stood standing on a trampoline, she could have bounced up and down, demonstrating the wobbleometer. That would have gone down well in Medway, and indeed, most places, except Westminster where it would be banned because it wasn’t gay enough. Poor old Chris Bryant would have pissed in his pants from shock.
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National Bin Foraging Awards.
Won by Liverpool every year.
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Gravesend will start getting coach parties from Liverpool now it’s got a Michelin star.
End up having to book a table months in advance.
No mention of a category for crack den or best skipdiving hotspots yet?
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I wish someone would open a cigar bank.
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Best Chiggun Shop?
Breast ONLY! Innit!!
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Colonel Sanders Kentucky Fried Chicken is already taken.
Perhaps Ayatollah Ahmeds Iranian Fried Chicken.
Just a thought.
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Of course the Potato Marketing Board wanted t make a splash at Medway, so they proudly bought Miss Maris Piper to the awards on their best lorry – step forward Miss Jess Phillips to receive the prize:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyDhk-D6kMw
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That’s enough to put you right off your potato croquettes..
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I would give the award to that old lady who sells bags of crumbs to ‘Feed The Birds’ in Trafalgar Square. Although I always thought tuppence sounded a bit steep.
Fucking Tesco on our high street has started sitting genuine mong yoof by the entrance to cadge free food for the local food banks. Who could possibly be so cruel as to ignore the gurning SENDs? Well, me for a fucking start. Not long now before ‘donations’ become compulsory. Four more years of that cunt Sunak and the fucking police will be round to raid our larders. More than four Rich Tea biscuits will be viewed as hoarding and carry a sentence of three months community service ladelling soup on skid row.
Good morning, everyone.
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I have to ask twenty, you sure they not young Conservatives?
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Morning, Barry. They couldn’t have been Young Conservatives as they had a brain cell between them.
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Four more years? The cunt hasn’t got a prayer. He’ll be on his way to ‘murica by July.
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Who donates the food to these food banks?
Who cares so much about benefit dossers getting a full tummy?
Nobody I know.
Bit back I picked up a loaf in co-op one of those rustic bloomers,
Marked down to 50p.
Bargain!
Some fuckin jobs worth told me I couldn’t have it as it was destined for the food bank!
I refused.
fuck that.
The manager had to come over and let me have it.
Fuckin tramps getting better bread than working men.
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You can imagine the food banks in Islington. I bet even the dossers are fucking picky.
“Some tight cunt has donated potted blue Shropshire with whiskey instead of my usual truffle honey potted stilton”.
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“these artichoke hearts are not sauteed they’re flambeaued!!!”
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Morning all, I have never seen anyone donate anything. Some of the poor old ladies I see in there should be given free stuff, but I bet they would not take it. Too proud. Bless them.
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Did you wake up in a bit of a grumpy mood today, mate?
I can see you are full of the Christmas spirit this morning, along with seasonal good will to all men/women/things.
I can imagine you carol singing on people’s doorsteps with renditions such as:-
“Silent Fucking Night”
“Away in a shit stained manger”
“We Three Refugees from Syria Are”
“I’m dreaming of a White England!”
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Medway is the arsehole of Kent.
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Cha’um and Gillingham are quite bad. Like the worst parts of Manchester or South Wales, but with more East Euro dooshka-dooshkas and Afgans. They’ll love the food banks. They’ll probably take as much as they can then flog it to their local corner shop who’ll sell it on at thrice the price.
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Never been to a food bank. I gather items would only be in tins for health reasons. Fresh at the time with sell by date removed, should only be given to new arrivals by the seashore and in English only.
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We had Ration Books after the war. They need to bring them back to avoid fat lazy cunts from stealing other people’s grub.
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One way to remedy the fat cunt from entering food banks, is the narrowing of front doors into turnstiles.
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I’m surprised Sevenoaks didn’t win the converted best food bank award.
The local heavily tattooed council estate vermin surely can’t wait to get into the crap bits out of a Fortune and Mason Christmas hamper.
Tracie Knobrot had this to say:
“Without the food bank, little Rayden, Jayden and Okayden would never get to enjoy German cheese so strong it makes them cry. They refuse to eat their generic spaghetti hoops if they don’t have those Quails eggs in aspic on top now”.
“With the money I saved, I can afford to get my Vin Diesel sleeve tattoo finished”.
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Food bank awards, next thing will be the best beggar award, scored on blanket, dog and chat with a special bonus point for waterworks.
The traffic light doshka cunts in Bradford are working a shit system to maximise profits. Apparently they are getting high scores on aggression 😂
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‘Best Dressed Roma’ – flowing skirt, headscarf and grubby trainers.
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Most Creative Burglary:
And the award goes to….
Romania, for the eleventh year running.
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*Romanians
“Da, da, I like to tank ma driver, ma tools man and da lookout. We take everyfing from dat old woman house. It was easy steal. Fank you, fank you.”
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Food banks were only introduced due to bone idleness. People are no longer ashamed of wanting, or should I say expecting something for nothing.
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Exactly Sammy.
It isn’t doing these dossers any good
Feeding them like pigeons.
They’re missing out on the basic lesson
Work=earn=eat.
Suppose it curbs the shoplifting statistics?
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Benefit recipients could receive food vouchers, but that is considered demeaning. Whereas trotting along to a food bank is fine.
Me no understand.
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How long in milliseconds do you think it will take the filthy chavsters to devise a system whereby every food voucher is turned into cigarettes, white lightning and scratch cards for 50p in the pound?
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if the scamming lazy grifters applied themselves like they do to finding ways to con the system but actually to a business plan, then they may not need food banks and other support at all.
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You’ve got to feel sorry for the bastards, down to their last wrap of smack.
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It’s the ones living in tattoo poverty that I feel sorry for.
Up and down the country, there are sink estates filled with half finished neck and face tattoos.
It’s a scandal and the government need to act now!
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Don’t understand the need for food banks, as the police won’t do fuck all about shop lifting these days the scrotes can just stroll around M&S and help themselves to anything they want!
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That’s my Christmas sorted then, I have an M and S Simply Food just round the corner.
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yup…unless its in excess of 250 quid the police dont see it as a crime…more of a civil case, rather than the fact theft is illegal
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Nothing beats the theatre of the food bank cage in my local Tesco.
They unlock it at 8pm and the resulting crush is like something you would see in the mosh pit at a Slayer gig.
Some rich cunt dropped a four pack of Heinz baked beans in there last week and the frenzied scramble to grab it first was like watching old Pathe footage of the evacuation of Saigon. Truly, every man for himself.
Some little old dear got caught up in the maelstrom of parking Stanley’s, Europikies and scratters and managed to emerge from the scrum battered, bruised and with torn coat, brandishing a dented tin of pilchards in tomato sauce like it was Excalibur drawn from its stone.
I like to observe all this while paying the thick end of £80 for a bottle of single malt and 40 B&H gold with my platinum credit card.
Gives me that warm glow inside, knowing that I’m not a complete failure at life
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Food Bank of the Year?
Jesus, they’ll be up for a Michelin star next.
Morning all.
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You then end up with picky cunts rifling through the shelves in the food banks, moaning that there’s nothing they fancy such as pizzas or frozen curries, Chinese meals etc.
They’ll also whinge that there isn’t a bank for desserts and booze, and that we as ordinary people should try harder by donating cases of Carlsberg and Wife Beater, plus a ton of ice creams, apple pies and Eton Messes.
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There’s a YouTube channel I watch which just did a video on the worst places in Kent. I didn’t realise it was getting that deprived.
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I don’t mind donating to a sperm bank. Christmas or any other time.
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