Zombie Fiction – A Dead Loss

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I remember being told to watch The Walking Dead, it’s fucking amazing.

What’s it about?

Zombies! They’ve taken over.

Fuck that. Zombies are shite

They’re very boring as antagonists, and the premise as to why the world has now succumbed to them is glossed over, or simply half-arsed B movie exposition.

I’ve never seen a Zombie film where I could suspend my disbelief for very long, apart from Shaun of the Dead, simply because the army turn up and kill them after a delay of a few days, and it was very funny and took the piss.

Unless the zombies are the sort you get in that World War Z film where they run over each other’s backs like fire ants at 60 mph, they aren’t the best vector of a virus/infection.

They tend to be visible, and slow, not prone to using ambush tactics, easily disposed of by people in lorry cabs with bulldozer blades and other mad max vehicles driven by American women, let alone the combined firepower of the world’s military forces.

Best not show that part. Might look completely unbelievable.

Zombies brought to being by magic, well that’s third-world nonsense.

I’d be more interested in films about that witch-doctor who turned himself into a goat and the goat was made to stand trial. That’s the sort of film such beliefs should inspire, with an African judge asking the goat, ‘wah are you gey? You are gey!’ but no, it’s more undead, rotting cadavers shuffling about like moronic cunts, or scuttling around like cockroaches.

Even as a metaphor for consumerism, it’s embarrassingly heavy-handed;

‘Look how the mindless hordes accumulate in the shopping centre’.

Yes, yes, how subtle. How was this film paid for and who are buying the tickets?

Now it’s about AIDS. Now it’s about 9/11. Now it’s Covid.

The Walking Dead. It’s must-watch TV

Based on a comic book, you see… about zombies.

Game of Thrones had zombies in it, but the writers decided they weren’t as dangerous as the Incest army and their banker chums.

‘Zhivago!’ or whatever she used to say to make the dragon burp up some propane.

Call the thing Dragons vs Zombies. That’s what it became.

Have you seen the remake of (something else) Dead?’

Then there’s your weeaboo zombie enthusiasts.
A Jap/Korean zombie film you say? Do the Zombies speak Jap/Korean?
It’s artistic because it has subtitles, but the Zombies still speak the same language.

Excuse me, there’s a traffic jam somewhere I feel I’m missing out on.

(even finding a link to support this cunting was difficult, as its subject is such a stupid concept/trope only the pop-culture addicted clickholes of the MSM will comment, but, just in case you’re worried…).

How Stuff Works

Nominated by: Cuntamus Prime

44 thoughts on “Zombie Fiction – A Dead Loss”

  2. You never see a well dressed zombie.

    Somewhere in the zombifying process their clothes all seem to get ripped up.

    They all have terrible hair too.

    The scruffy, undead cunts.

  3. if this has perked your interest in zombies you can get to meet and interact with them at a Labour Party conference.

    Missus Miserable is a massive fan of the Walking Dead.
    got all the boxsets.

    Me, not so much .

    it’s yanks ,
    and alive or undead doesn’t really seem to make much difference.
    still annoying gobshites with bad clothes.

    zombie apocalypse?
    fuck em

    • Welcome back to the just about living, Mis.

      At the party political conference, they all mutter away, sounding like the undead in response. Shouldn’t the Master Speak shout “Order, Order you Zombies.”

  6. Vampires are also undead but they manage to keep themselves looking neat and tidy.

    They look like they are dressed for the opera despite being hundreds of year’s old and sleeping all through the days in a coffin.

    When they bite into a virgin’s neck they never get a spot of blood on their tuxedoes.

    Nicely combed back hair too.

    I would much rather be bitten and turned into an undead by a vampire.

    Yes I know that most vampires are men but there is nothing even slightly homosexual about preferring to be bitten by one.

    It’s just a matter of standards.

  7. a day trip to Cleethorpes High Street on a wet Wednesday morning will tell you all you need to know about zombies

  9. I understand these films cost many millions to make..

    The daft cunts could have just filmed it in the Wetherspppns in Oldham Town centre and saved a packet.

  10. Zombies are a played-out trope, this much is true.

    But amongst the infuriatingly shit shaggy-dog story of the Walking Dead was a fascinating insight into tribalism, chiefly that common experience and deprivation forges a strong sense of identity. Something to ponder.

    The book ‘World War Z’ (not the film, which I hear is shite) illuminates why the plague would spread; people are selfish cunts.

    Starting in China (tee hee, where else) it spread around the world mainly due to people willfully smuggling their loved ones out of quarantine (and others making a fortune facilitating this), until it affects every corner of the globe.

    But surely that’d never happen, right? at the first sign of a major pandemic, the world would collectively ban all travel from China within days

    wouldn’t they?

  11. The zombies round our way are dirtier and filthier than those in the films. Dribbling, screeching, stinking and stumbling. Totally arseless and aresholed. Usually scousers or sweaties. They shambe around the town bumping into things and each other in their never ending search for cheap alcohol and spice (or whatever the magic pill might be this week). Like in the films, they are seemingly unstoppable. An endless tide of the ‘vulnerable’ as the local authority call them – or ‘scumbags’ as we like to call them.

    ‘Train to Busan’ is the best Zombie film I have ever seen. Korean film makers always seem to have an off-centre view of things.

    Good morning, everyone.

  12. We all become zombie like when getting up in the middle of the night. Bleary-eyed, unkempt and staggering to the bog for a piss.

  14. If you’re chasing someone without a cat in hells chance of catching them. Pretend to be a Zombie. They panic, especially the ladies who end up injured after bumping into things. Then officer, you can simply hand over the parking ticket, without any bother.

  15. Fucking love zombies me. Zombies represent the masses, brain dead drones obeying the primal survival instinct unaware they are already dead.

    Those fighting the zombies represent the struggle of those able to think for themselves to break free of the system that makes us all consumer drones.

    If you don’t get the metaphor then you’re one of them and it’s a sledgehammer through the skull for you matey boy.

  16. One wonders how you can kill a zombie with a gun?
    The cunt is already dead, so what is a bullet going to do?

    • Zombies end up dying eventually, after continually ignoring the traffic, with eyes buried into their phones.

    • As if this government needs an excuse not to rid this country of the freeloading Dinghy terrorîšt rąts.

  20. When the ball hits the back of the net at Villa Park, they shout its a Ghoul ! Can’t be all that exciting.

  21. Horror movies are on the whole complete shite, but zombie movies are a fucking clown show, but a clown show that lacks the self-awareness to realise it’s a clown show.

    This is the reason the only good zombie movies are comedy parodies like Shaun of The Dead, Zombieland 1+2 and Cooties because they see zombie films for what they are – clown shows. Fuck, Zombieland was so self-aware, the film even had a zombie clown in it.

  22. The only decent zombie, or rather semi-zombie movies were both versions of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

    • I’ve no idea why there are so many zombie films because if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. I once saw an excerpt from a film, I think it was ‘L.A. Zombie’ directed by Bruce LaBruce about gay zombies. Not my usual kind of film I hasten to add. It showed black men who were supposed to be zombies shagging each other and they had rubbers on their dicks. Why would they need to wear protection if they were dead?

  23. The reverse fast moving zombie attacks on the young brainless undead, who are slowly holding up traffic on our roads, is hilarious.

  24. OT: I see our PM Roland Rat and his toadies are saying they will do ‘Whatever it takes’ to ‘stop the boats’.

    He told Suella Braverman that,…

    As Morrissey sang ‘Stop if you think you’ve heard this one before.’

    • Sunak must be kicking up his heels in private. Wasn’t that one of his “pledges” that he had no intention of doing.

      bud bud bud, hello please.
      Char-Waller Blair

  25. Evil Dead 2 and Ash Vs Evil Dead, were both a hoot. But zombie films generally follow the same old tired formula, with the same old action sequences and the same old endings.

    Those so-called “video nasty” illegal videos from the 80s and early 90s, were quite excellent, not least because they were extremely low budget, but had some really great gore. Just the right kind of stuff after a night down the boozer and coming home with your mates at 2 in the morning with a dodgy kebab that looks like a half-eaten human arm/leg, which just adds to the mix.

    • I find that when horror uses too much gore, it becomes comedy.

      Even classics such as The Thing get it wrong. The head popping off the body and growing legs of its own still makes me laugh.

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