I hate Autumn. People bang on about how lovely autumn is, with its golden brown leaves, moderate temperatures and all that wishy-washy lovely sunsets/sunrises.
Well that’s all bollocks in reality! For me, autumn is all about things dying off and/or falling apart.
This summer for example, after returning from Denmark, I spent ages landscaping our back garden with gravel beds, a small patio area, flowers and plants along with a one or two other additions. All very pleasant of an evening sitting in the garden admiring one’s labours over a lager or glass of wine.
And then fucking autumn comes along and dumps shitloads of dead leaves, twigs, branches, the odd bin liner and other detritus that should land all over the garden due to the autumnal wind and rain. Thus turning my lovely garden into a messy shithole once again.
And then there’s the dark mornings/nights and the clocks going back an hour; drawing the curtains at 3pm and a noticeable drop in temperatures and the central heating back on again
Plus the constant reminders of Halloween, Bonfire night and of course Christmas. And as I recall when living in Brum a few years ago, you had sad cunts showing off their Christmas lights on the front of their houses despite only being October!
Plus Autumn is best mates with Winter – they’re both cunts of the highest order, but more so Autumn because its got a stupid spelling (Plus Americans call it The Fall. I mean, what’s all that about !?)
Nominated by Technocunt.
I’m with you. For some reason loads of woman like it for “cosy evenings”. What?! How can you prefer it to 26 degrees, cider, fresh air laundry, bbq and Test Match Special?
17
The early part of autumn can be lovely. A pleasant warmth and nice sunsets.
Then the nights draw in and it’s that knowing it will be 4 months of grey, wet, cold and lots of long dark nights. The last 2 weeks of perpetual rain have been a cunt. My garden is covered in soaked brown leaves that have to be raked up.
And people start banging on about bloody Christmas in November. Indeed from November onwards Autumn is a cunt.
Undoubtedly MNC will be along saying how he loves it signals the coming of Winter and cold weather.
12
As summer struggles to gasp it’s last breathe,
It’s nice for autumn to come along and shove a pillow over its sweaty red face,
R.I.P you annoying noisy ADHD cunt.
No dickheads cutting bushes at 6am Sunday morning
No BBQ s
Can work without dripping in sweat
Oh yes, I like Autumn!!
Hey!
What was that?
Was that a flake of snow?🌧️
18
More likely a blob of bird shit.
7
Excellent nom.
When you get to a certain age, you end up wishing nigh on half the year away waiting for spring to arrive.
You trudge on the waterlogged ground knowing that it’s going to be that way till at least April, at least when it’s not frozen.
I actually look forward to January nowadays. At least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
13
And don’t forget the fucking reversing of the clocks so it’s pitch black at 6 in the morning.
Still could of been worse the initial idea was four incremental steps during April and reversed the same way during September.. boy that would of been fun..
7
The clocks went back only last week, Barry. I didn’t forget. This “fucking reversing” means lighter morning, but darker afternoons. As an intended result, it is no longer “pitch black at 6 in the morning”.
Had this nuance escaped your attention?
3
I agree Technocunt – the great gardener Vita Sackvile-West once compared the seasons with the stages of life – the spring, rebirth, summer, youth, autumn, middle age and winter – dotage. Autumn is the season of decay, filthy wet brown leaves dropping from the trees, like monstrous cornflakes, making the pavements like a skating rink, the fucking clocks going back – why does this uncivilized procedure continue into the 21st century?. The other day in my part of London it was more or less dark at 4 p.m.
Last Monday, 30th October the local shopping mall (a.k.a The Chavs Palace) was tarted up with Xmas lights, tinsel and decorations. On TV, poofs football, Strictly Come Mincing even makes it´ś camp antics front page news in the bloody Daily Telegraph (!). They have just recorded the Xmas Mrs Brownś Boys, some non-entity from the Royal Family will have to attend that ludicrous Command Performance, animals have just been terrorized by TWO November 5ths (4th and 5th) and the dark keys are now grinning away advertising department store tat in the adverts (those that remain that is).
I wish I could hibernate in October and re-emerge in March when all the fucking camp autumn/winter (and let´ś face it winter just means Xmas and bad weather) is over.
Autumn is shit and winter is even shittier.
15
I hope Horry Halfwit is chosen to endure the Command Performance. He can be securely strapped into his seat, then Roll Two as the curtains go down.
3
Not a fan of Autumn since I slid arse over tit on wet leaves and broke two ribs and simultaneously twisted both ankles while walking the hound.
Looking on the bright side, the winter solstice is on the 23rd of December, when the days start getting longer and the winter blues are held at bay.
Something to look forward to.
9
I’m with you Odin,
I also used to hate any month with an R in it – misery, misery, misery.
But then I realised – grin and bear it out, because without Winter I ain’t gonna be able to enjoy any more Springs ….
3
Autumn is indeed a cunt.
Every morning you wake up with the temperature just a little lower.
You know what’s coming.
Fucking winter.
I live just about far enough south in Spain that the houses do not have central heating and no tidy way of installing it through tiled floors and cement ceilings.
It would be pointless anyway as houses here are not insulated.
So it’s a case of wearing more clothes around the house and putting a duvet on the bed.
People think that we don’t suffer from bad weather, but when you get acclimatised a drop in temperature down to the low 20’s or even high teens feels cold.
The plus side is fewer sweaty tourists.
Beaches are quiet for the few hours a day that you can comfortably use them.
Less traffic and no need to book restaurants.
I see that the Christmas ads started on UK television on 1st November.
How fucking sad is that?
12
I’m with MNC on this.
I like the changing of the seasons and would hate to live somewhere like southern California, where I believe that it’s more or less the same all year round.
Summer is nice, but there are limits.
Seasons keep you in tune with Mother Nature.
The only bit where MNC is wrong, is where hedge cutting is concerned.
My hedge trimmers are demented at this time of year 😝😜🤪
And I don’t give two fucks.
Good morning.
11
+1.
My folks emigrated to Crete years ago. I really couldn’t get my head around it – the scorching summer and the winter, which was a milder version of the summer.
I love the UK for the seasons. Yes, we have several months of cold, rain and darkness, but the spring is magical with the blossom and daffs with the brighter days. I wouldn’t change it.
15
Can’t really cunt seasons, seriously. Long after we are all gone they will remain. Unless you’ve started an affair with Greta.
8
It’s why scotch was invented.
14
I’m confused.
Three months ago I was told the earth is boiling, and I’ve just had to put my heating on.
Have I, perchance, been fed a load of bullshit?
16
At least the rowdy kids disappear inside for a few months
9
Lots of fellow cunters seem bit upset, bit tearyeyed about wet leaves?
You just have to rake them up and sling them in your compost,
They aren’t venomous.
This season’s great!
Kids off the streets
Don’t have to water the garden,
And you can get your money’s worth out of the longjohns you bought in the 90s.
I have to padlock the airing cupboard where the boiler is at this time of year.
The girls are swines for that central heating!
Christmas morning isn’t enough for them!
Got to be firm with them.
I look at their little chattering teeth and blue lips and while I sympathise say
” do 20 star jumps each”
14
Most women think a thermostat is like an accelerator pedal, i.e. the place will get hotter quicker if they turn it up to 30 deg C.
I despair.
8
Good point Paul.
What’s all that about with the cranking up of the thermostat?
The females in my house are exactly the same.
I’ve tried to explain this phenomenon to them countless times and I think it’s finally beginning to sink in.
4
If only other parents were as rigid as you with their pampered kids, mis. They need to toughen up. First signs of snow get them out there clearing paths with their bear hands,as well scraping ice off car and house windows. And if there’s too much snow on the roof of your house, get them up there and sort it!
Kids today…etc….
4
Just wait til the next Ice Age. If it matches the last two then average global temperature will fall by 9 degrees. I’d love to see the confused look on the faces of the dinghy invaders as we pass them twixt Dover and Calais going in the opposite direction.
And Greta will get her carbon-free panties in a right twist telling us it’s much colder because of global boiling.
8
I refer to autumn as the start of “cabin fever time” , come the end of march I’m Fucking totally fed up….!
7
Get out for a walk Archey!
Brisk crisp fresh air,
Get into the Lake District or Derbyshire Dales.
Pub lunch at the end.
Winner-winner.
13
Amen to that Technocunt! What is there to look forward to on the run up to Christmas? Dark mornings, go to work, come home it’s fucking dark and Strictly come wanking on TV FFS
3
“Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;”
Keats
Unless you’re my gardener and you will spend your time effing and blinding over all the leaves that have to be cleaned up.
I live in a country area and I think Autumn is beautiful.
13
@MMCM.
Bravo 👏
7
I’ve lived in this house for 9 years and, although we don’t have any trees, this is the first year the lawn hasn’t been covered in leaves. I wonder why?
2
Here at the bottom of the world it will soon be summer.😀
Four and a half weeks until the holidays.
Still second in the Championship too.
5
Think it was Wordsworth said
‘springs for lambs and daffodils,
Summers for puffs.
Autumn is for real men and winters for sledging”
Marvelous 😁
10
Sledging, brilliant. I made my children sledge’s out of 20mm conduit, one length of tube bent on a pipe vice with only one weld and a piece of plywood for the seat.
They weighed a ton, kept the little sods fit humping them up and down.
Grandchildren are using them now. !
6
The Mrs loves Autumn.
I’m not so keen myself and always associate it with the impending doom of winter and dark nights.
Saying that – autumn and winter wouldn’t be half as bad if it didn’t fucking rain constantly.
Who doesn’t enjoy a bit of ground frost, snow even, some nice firm ground and a chance to get the whippet out into the countryside.
I think rain deserves a cunting of its own.
Good morning
5
Great nom Techo.
At my age I spend half the year just trying to keep warm. ‘The older you get, the colder you get’, my dear old gran used to say.
I hate the rain, the dank chill, the long periods of dismal half light leading into the depths of winter.
Hedgehogs have got the right idea.
Morning all.
7
One Autumnal saving grace is that if you go for a walk to keep yourself in some sort of shape you can wait until late afternoon and then see nobody because once the nights draw in and it gets cold everybody fucks off home early. No, ‘Oh, hello Mr Bell End, I’m glad I caught you because…..’. Fuck that. Even the wife doesn’t want to come. Bliss. I just tell her what time to have he food on the table.
4
What are thee moaning about ? At least we have four choices of weather that don’t last long before the next one comes along. We all differ in preference to which we prefer. We’ve heard the complaints of countries having only one or two of our magical moments, we should be thankful. Just be glad you are alive to enjoy the experience.
4
Too right Sammy!!
Enjoy being alive !
I’ve no time for the whining of some fanny because a wet leaf touched them!
Our great great grandads didn’t sob about weather!!
They were building Drystone walls up on the Moors in sleet, hail,
Allsorts,
Whistling away ,
With just a tripe butty to look forward to.
Hey,
Something else good about autumn,
I’m in Hayfield with the dog,
And noticed nettles don’t sting anymore at this time of year?
I’m wearing shorts and lots of nettles brushing my legs- no stings!
Thanks Autumn
Your the best!👍
5
Just saying autumnal and its colours, makes me feel good. Thanks Mis.
4
Actually Miserable, I’m a 8.00am Sunday morning hedge cutting dickhead.
3
You are clearly summerphobic, and therefore I’ll call the local plod to have you arrested for summer hate crime because I am dreadfully offended!
3
Hehehe 😄
Cheers Techno, least you made the effort.
I spend a lot of time on here trying to tease and provoke fellow cunters
And half the time they haven’t the common decency to react.
No ” when you get to my age”
Or
” if you had arthritis”
Blah blah
I’m.wasted on these people.
Truly I am.
4
Well here it`s currently 57°C in The Peoples` Undemocratic Nation of Nigbongocoonoland where I live. And it will be like that for the next 364 days.
4
A leap-year must be insufferable.
4
Sorry Techno, Autumn is sensible weather, a relief from the rancid sweaty crotch of summer in the nation that doesn’t do Sir con, and Autumn is the most beautiful time of the year if you’re lucky enough to live in The Shire. Not too cold, no frost to stop working outdoors, not too dark. Halloween and bonfires, the latter almost daily for country and builder-folk. Good hearty meals cooked in a pot.
Can’t get as enthusiastic about winter though. Everyone is ill and it’s far too dark. The lack of sunlight is worse than the cold for me.
5
When I was young, today would be the day I’d go round to all the burning ember of bonfires, collecting all the burnt out cases of fireworks I couldn’t afford and could only imagine what happened when once lit. The memory playing wonderful imaginative experiences, thinking what if I’d owned them.
2
I did the same thing with women’s knickers on.washing lines Sammy
7
Good on you Mis. Glad to know one of those mysterious thieves who plucked up the courage. I’ve had the experience of sniffing them before going in the wash. Sometimes whilst still being worn.
4
Pink Floyd wrote a song about you…😂
https://youtu.be/H3DGpINHX5Q?si=dNKKqPdFpClHfM5j
4
Great track by Eric Burdon, Sammy.
‘When I Was Young’.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur30bn_3G58
1
Thanks Norman. Thought I’d let you know that I’m no longer a member of MUTV after 21 years. No need to tell you why.
0
The leaves are exactly why I like autumn. Have the day off today so I need to head out and take advantage of the photography opportunities.
2
The leaves are falling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5MId2iB8gc
Good morning OC.
1
Another problem with autumn is that all the foreign tourists birds disappear for another 9 months!
One reason for moving to the Lakes was to admire all those Swedish, Canadian and Japanese ladies hiking up the Fells, or cycling through down country lanes in mid summer adorned in the skimpiest of clothes.
But as soon as autumn arrives they disappear like shit off the shovel. Or if they do stay they’re all togged up in layers of clothing, the selfish bastards!
3
Your nomination has reminded me of all the things I dislike about this time of year. Come to think of it, winter spring and summer don’t have all that much to offer. Can you recommend an easy painless method of suicide?
3
Ah, but even a woollen sweater can’t hide a bosom of quality.
Next time you’ve been in the crisp autumn air for a few hours, return indoors and stick an icy hand up a lady’s jumper.
The sight and sensation of wobbling jugs will make up for the foul mood, although it’s probably best you at least know their first name.
Thomas might not but he lives by very different sexual etiquette.
1
Miserable buggers! 🤨
The changing of the colours of the leaves.
The smell of bonfires.
The feel of crisp Autumn air on your face in a morning,
The sunsets and the way the skies turns amber, to red, to purple.
The warmth of a fire in an evening with a cup of something warming like cider. Even though I don’t drink much anymore.
The sound of smooth Jazz?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcewiJGWFLo
….nice…
2
Not a fan then. I think we English used to call it Fall back in the day. But perhaps not. Either way I agree entirely
2