Very Unfortunate Surnames

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Older cunters will no doubt recall the 60s Aussie group The Seekers, who were fronted by singer Judith Durham. Not so many may be aware that in fact, Judith Durham was born Judith Cock. You can understand why she felt compelled to adopt a different surname for performance purposes.

It must be a pain to have to go through life with an unfortunate surname. Cock is pretty bad, but imagine you’re a Ballsack, Bastard, Booby, Bellend or Bollock. How about being lumbered, as some poor sods are, with the name Fart (or Farter), or Fuck (or Fucker)? And let’s not forget all the Craps, Piddles, Wanks, Arses and Cunts; they’re out there, no kidding.

Then there are the those whose thoughtless parents made a bad choice for a Christian name to go with their surname; ‘Hi, I’m Richard Head. People call me Dick’, or ‘John Hass, people call me Jack’. I used to work with a guy called Dick Burns. Inevitably, people would refer to him (with a snigger) as ‘Dick Burns, the man not the disease’.

Sadly a rare combination of surnames can sometimes result in shame and ridicule being heaped upon you for no fault of your own. Back in the 60s, Villa’s midfield was made up of Jimmy Brown, Oscar Arce, and Barry Hole. Imagine being on the Holte End week in week out, listening to the opposition fans (esp. those from Small Heath Alliance) chanting ‘your midfield’s a BrownArceHole, do dah, do dah’. I still shudder with humiliation even after all these years.

Yes, an unfortunate surname can be a Twatt of a thing, a proper Schitt in fact. If you’re a Smith or a Jones, remember that it could be worse. Much worse.

house of names

Nominated by Ron Knee.

140 thoughts on “Very Unfortunate Surnames”

  1. A perfectly good nomination until the final paragraph. What’s wrong with the name Twatt, eh Ron?

  4. I’ve worked with a James Bond and an Ian Brady.
    Also, a friend’s mother remarried and her new surname was pronounced ‘anul’ but spelt ‘anal’.

    On a happier note, Mr Tickle of ‘Mr Men’ fame is marrying his fiance Tess.

    • Did you and your mates stand up one by one shouting “I’m Spartacus!” when someone farted loudly in class and the teacher asked who it was?

  7. Legendary anti-woke warrior, Fawlty Towers genius, and Python John Cleese was originally named John Marwood Cheese.

    Byrds drummer Michael Clarke’s real name was Michael Dick.

    And there was a teacher at my secondary school called Warwick Hunt. We had endless fun with that one. Thing was, he really was a cunt.

      • Also, my ex wife was in hospital having one of ours and she asked the woman in the next bed, Mrs Banks what she was calling her son. Robin, came the answer. True story.

      • Besides, a tear away in my class called Billy Connolly. Long before the comedian. I left school in 1959, years later.

    • When I worked at the DWP on the public reception, I had a note with a chap’s name on it, and had to call him up using the tannoy, so I said ” Mr Onion to the counter please” then this indignant berk comes up , draws himself up to his full and unimpressive height and says ” It is O’Nion, actually”

      • Aye up Mary.

        Donkey’s years ago, I worked at a grocery store during the school hols (during the 60s).

        The store had a customer which my Scottish wife would refer to as ‘fur coat and nae drawers’, if you get my drift.

        Her name was Sidebottom or Sidebotham, can’t remember which, but the silly old sod insisted on it being pronounced Sid-ee-both-arm, so it was probably the latter.

    • I admit it; I googled the name and it’s legit.

      As are Bernt Hass and Danger Fourpence.

      Some doubt about Ars Bandet tho…

  9. There’s a bloke in Stockport called Rigor Mortis
    But he changed it to that.

    Not as funny as when a kid is unwittingly lumbered with a shite name by gormless parents.

    There’s a 10yr old kid in Mississippi just been arrested for urinating in public.
    His name is Quantavacious.
    His mama LaToya.

    No need to tell you the ethnicity.

  12. The parents of Mike Hunt and Euan Kerr, really are/were utter cunts to give their child the worst possible start in their lives.

    Then you get Andy King – not very original but of course parents thought it was wonderfully ingenious.

    Worst of all is being christened Gary Lineker, or Cunt for short.

  13. Used to work with a bloke called Peter Sutcliffe, known simply as “Ripper.” Also used to know a bloke with the surname “Blakey” who was always greeted with “I ‘ate you Butler.” He had a girlfriend known as “Olive.” Not to her face of course……you know what wimminz are like…..no sense of humour!

  15. There are internet pictures featuring:

    Willie Stroker
    Mike Litoris
    And the headmaster of a school on the Isle of Man, Mr. George Shaw-Twilley.

  16. Richard A. Devine was a close associate of Chicago (Illinois) Mayor Richard J. Daley. He also served in the Administration of “Da Boss’s” son (also a Chicago Mayor) Richard M. Daley. He was elected Cook County States Attorney in his own right.

    His friends called him Dick. Dick Devine.

  23. I wonder how many Krauts in Germany, Austria and the likes have changed their name because their surname is Hitler?

    • In 1876, Hitler’s father changed his family name from Schicklgruber to Hitler.
      Hitler subsequently said that nothing his father had done had pleased him more than dropping the coarsely rustic name of Schicklgruber.

  26. If I can extend this nomination’s remit to include place names, in the North East we have a Newbiggin and a Longbenton. Can anyone beat that?

  28. When my lad was “schooling from home”, his screen name was Mike Oxlong.
    Dopey teachers never noticed.
    He was a fuckin hero at school though!

  29. Quim – Portuguese goalkeeper
    Danny Monster – Dutch player
    Danny Invincibile – Australian footballer and coach

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