Loch Ness Monster Bollocks

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Currently every credulous cunt in the country is gathered on the shores of Loch Ness with the stated intention of capturing an hallucination. We are familiar with the myth: there is a gigantic creature unknown to science lurking in the near-freezing peaty depths of the loch.

In the link, a clown is seen explaining that plesiosaur remains* have been found in the UK and that these are somehow relevant: a plesiosaur (woooo!) may have survived and bred in the loch during the 66 million years since they became extinct everywhere else, ignoring a couple of major ice ages at that. Help, Nurse, his meds have worn off.

Further, the link claims that a distant thermal anomaly on the loch shore is the beastie, rather than a sheep, say, a quad bike, someone having a crafty fag, a wild swimmer or anything warm- blooded and fatally uninsulated against the chill of a Highland loch, really.

All this is nonsense, of course. The odd seal might make it through the Caledonian Canal, perhaps…very perhaps….but there is absolutely fuck all unusual about the loch other than its size and the intriguing tectonics of its location in a gigantic strike-slip fault zone. As anyone not into ear candles and crystals living in the region will tell you. The Loch Ness Monster is a necessary aid to getting the awful local hotels and campsites filled with gullible people, but let’s not confuse it with anything that exists in fact.

PS. The “Surgeon’s Picture” is included in the catalogue of pseudoscience presented in that clip. I will now for the first time reveal what this actually is. It is identical in all respects to the emerging tail of a black Labrador dog which is diving for a thrown stone. Long ago I had a black Lab cross which did this, most enthusiastically, and only her tail remained above water. There is nothing to indicate the scale of that picture, and please note the little tuft of fur at the tip.
I would like to have met that surgeon….he’d have been a laugh.

*Jurassic ones

Mirror

Nominated by Komodo.

62 thoughts on “Loch Ness Monster Bollocks”

  1. That’s just krankie’s motorhome, she had to dispose of it somewhere.

    Now nessie is living in it.

  2. I don’t know what all the fuss is about.
    I visited Loch Ness once and couldn’t see it for all the monsters blocking the view.

    • Were these monsters all wearing fanny packs, baseball caps, eating cheeseburgers and saying ‘Goddamnit, Betsy, will ya grab my Xanax!’

  3. I always thought that famous picture looks like someone sticking their arm out of the water and making a ‘beak’ with their fingers and thumb.

    With all of the DSLR cameras and expensive hi-tech lenses, drones with 4k cameras and yet no-one can ever get a decent picture of Nessie, Bigfoot or a Yeti.
    (TBF they’d just have to go to the Peak District on any given Sunday by the sound of things and could get a picture of Bigfoot 😁😁)

    I half believe the stories of the beast of Bodmin moor but even with that one I get a faint whiff of bullshit.

  4. You have more chance of seeing mis eat a salad or thomas posting a safe for work image, than catching a glimpse of Nessie.

  6. I’ve seen a few beasts from Scotland but they are usually stuffing battered confectionery down their fat ugly throats.

    • Lovesick?
      Och, the poor wee beastie.

      Always the bridesmaid
      Never the bride.

      It does the tourist trade good,
      Kids an yanks love it,
      I’m all for it.

      Ps
      The British big cat thing?
      Real.
      I’ve saw prints.
      Not some half arsed myth.

      • Indeed not, MNC.
        When you discover the truth, it’s a trifle deflating alas:
        The sighting are just Rula Lenscap in a sexy feline outfit roaming the moors.

      • A family member saw one Thomas.
        Said this shite about

        ” probably a Labrador…”
        ” or large domestic cat”…

        Said if you saw one your not in doubt what it is,

        A big fuck off panther!!

        This family members word I’d trust as law,
        Not a fantasist or headtheball.

        Said he was shaking afterwards,
        And he’s not told many people.

        Id love to see one! 🐾

      • I once saw a mink, ran across the road, well, wide footpath really, this was in the Highlands. Scaled a six foot wall like it wasn’t there.

        My god, they’re huge! I wouldn’t bet on a bully against a mink in a fight.

    • …the most tenacious of sea beasts’

      James Mason as Captain Nemo.

      It’s mouth resembles Karie Price’s gaping cunt; part the limbs to see a sucking, snapping orifice with a razor-sharp, chitin-covered radula to scrape a man’s flesh into its gut.

  9. BEWARE THE KRAKEN!!!

    He’ll put his tentacles up your hoop and ink all over your face

  11. There’s more chance of seeing Nadine Dorries sober and engaging in polite conversation than there is of seeing this pile of made up MacShite.

  12. Never trust stories of lore and legends from a country who’s population is either alcoholic or addicted to heroin.

  13. I would have thought our distinguished reptilian cunter would have some sympathy for Nessie.

  16. Ever been to Loch Ness?

    It’s a very strange place, sun is boiling down, but it’s cold and I’ve never heard birds singing there.

    I can well believe there’s something unusual living there, probably a Bigfoot with lynx like ears, or summat.

  17. I’ve fucking been there and seen fuck all. Every lay-by is packed with caravans and motor homes. (Probably where Jimmy Krankie got the idea….rent it out to rich Yank tourists) There are big signs saying no parking overnight but, as usual there’s nobody to enforce the law so every cunt ignores it. There’s a Loch Ness Centre displaying “evidence” but I wasn’t paying 12 quid for that bollocks.
    It must be excellent for tourism so you can see why the Jocks keep flogging the myth. If I had wee Jimmy’s motorhome I’d convert it to a catering van selling Nessie Burgers…….lovely jubbly!

    • I’m quite sure there’s a café somewhere along the route round the Loch that actually does have a ” Nessie burger” on the menu.

      There’s certainly enough tourist traps, sorry, souvenir shops selling monster themed crap. All stamped ‘made in Taiwan’

  18. Good nom.
    Nessie is an invention dreamed up by the Scotch Tourist Board.
    To lure dumb Yanks and their greenbacks into the area,
    Or graybacks if they’re the product of a limited gene pool.
    Not surprised one of the so called “researchers” in that video is an Americunt.
    Good evening.

  19. They’re probably getting confused with Krankie going out for a late-night skinny dip – it should really be called the Loch Ness Munter.

  20. If anyone’s got one of those old dolls of Dino from the Flintstones just stick him in the water, take a photo and bingo!…..there’s your Loch Ness Monster! There’ll be plenty of soppy cunts who will believe it.

  21. Nessie is in america anyhoo, c montgomery burns drained the lock and took him her it back to springfield, also we cant even get a decent picture on cctv of some miscreant up to no good so what hope is there. Arthur c clarke would have put us right.

  22. Loch Ness Monster Bollocks –
    Coated in chocolate, treacle, caramel and fudge, drowned in batter, deep fried in lard and served in a Munchy Box.
    Or for a healthy option add an onion ring.

    Scottish haute cuisine.

    • Now he was a creepy fuck.

      Maybe he enjoyed swimming in the Loch, et voila, there’s your monster.

  24. Of course the current Loch Ness monster schtick is bollocks, we’ve created the thing based on pseudohistory and legend to profitably keep the touristy cunts spending their bawbees there, and to keep them away from the (next) real monster…Morag up in Loch Morar.

    She’s a bit of a nasty bïtch, is auld Morag, an’ we cannae be ha’en her scarin’ awa yon monied toorist herds by allowin’ her to be eating ony o the foreign buggers.

    As for Nessie, like a lot of Scots she emigrated in the 1800s and started a new life in the wilds of Canada with a new name – Ogopogo.

  28. There’s some bloke who since he was a kid became obsessed with the Loch Ness monster.

    He gave up his job bought a motor home and fucked off to Loch Ness.

    Been there years,
    At the waters edge,
    Never seen a fuckin thing.😁

    But I like his optimism.

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