Cheese

Posted on by

 
I know this will probably be an unpopular cunting but fuck it, i hate the stuff.

Perhaps not so much the cold stuff sitting in the fridge that you make a nice ploughmans with,
but cheese that gets cooked and heated up. Unfortunately, the melted stuff now puts me off the cold stuff.

As far as i’m concerned, melted cheese is, in my humble opinion, the most vile, appalling, disgusting, abhorent food substance ever to have been slewed from Satan’s hairy ringpiece.

I don’t think there are the words of a dictionary to accurately describe my reaction upon going in to a place that has cheese cooking. It’s like walking into a giant cheesy shitcloud. It makes me recoil in abject disgust and look for the exit.

I’ve heard it described as ‘food crack’ by some who find it addictive.
It’s slathered all over your food like a farmer’s slurry, whether you want it or not, not that most seem to mind.

Takeaways are the worst, a slice of processed cheese with everything like it’s a government diktat.
Cheese in your burger, cheese in your fries, cheese in this, that and everything else.

The last time i was in Mcdonalds, (conveniance at the time) i had to wait for a burger without the wretched stuff.
I was in their with a girlfriend and she ordered a chicken burger. We both opened our burgers to pull out all the other dross they like to fill burgers with and her chicken burger had a slice of processed cheese in there. For fuck’s sake!
You don’t make a nice Sunday chicken roast then decorate it with filthy slices of cheese do you?

Adverts with a slice being lifted out of a pizza and all those stringy bits of cheese still attached causes me to cover my eyes, a bit like when two iron hoofs unexpectadley kiss on tv. Nooooooooo, i don’t want to look.

When i was little, i remember being banned from going out on the playground at school at lunch time one day because i refused to eat the cheese flan/pizza or whatever the horrific cheese infested concoction sitting on my plate was.
To make matters worse i accidentaly hoofed it into the cutlery bucket instead of the waste bucket when the teacher finally let me leave.
I had to scoop it out with my hand and put it in the waste bucket, the horror, i was fucking traumatised. I thought the pigswill was meant to be
in the waste bucket, not served up on my plate for lunch.

I once shared a flat with a friend and his girlfriend, fucking cheese freaks the pair of them.
I had to remember to close my bedroom (nearest the kitchen) door when they cooked anything with cheese so i didn’t get assaulted by the aforementioned cheese shitcloud if i went into my room.

Ready meals have to be carefully inspected for ingredients (yes i know, my fault for eating ready meals)
Last time i was out with friends, they were considering eating in a slurry pit, sorry pizza restaurant, Luckily we went elsewhere.
Not that i complained, i don’t want to restrict other people’s enjoyment.

So there you have it, i fucking hate cheese with a vengeance and always will.
You eat it.

Youtube

Nominated by Polite cunt.

132 thoughts on “Cheese”

  1. You don’t like cheese and leave it at that. I love it. I hope you like yankie films and pop music which I loathe.

  2. I like a bit of cheese, but not that soft French crap. And I sympathise with you over having to scrape it into the pigswill bucket at school. The look of the bucket used to make me retch.

  3. Good grief,cheese is one of England’s greatest inventions.

    Cheese on toast with baked beans and bacon is a triumph.

    Although its worth mentioning that
    cottage cheese is quite foul,I presume its a French invention.

    So they can fuck off.

  4. Declare yourself vegan, Pc. Then you can justifiably avoid the stuff whilst claiming moral superiority over us cheese-gorging apes.

  5. I love cheese but I’ve been having acid reflux recently and dairy appears to be one of the main culprits. So at least for the foreseeable future I’m probably gonna have to cut it out. ☹️

  7. I love cheese, especially mature cheddar.

    If I was cunting cheese it would be the god awful American cheese in a can that you squirt, Easy Cheese, I think.

    What the fuck is wrong with them?

      • I’ll eat red Leicester.
        Or cheddar if it’s with raw onion or chutney,

        But I’m suspicious of other cheese.
        That manky blue shite with mold on it.

        Something wrong with people who eat that.

        I remember a posh customer telling me he had baked camembert as a starter for Christmas dinner.
        He tried to convince me it was nice.
        My labourer walked past
        Customer asked him what his favourite cheese was,
        “Dairylee.”
        😆Heehee

  9. I love cheese myself however it is very peculiar stuff isn’t it Stinks to high heavens.

    Quite rightly associated with a sweaty bell end, the area between the toes or any other human crevices of choice.

    Still lovely though despite that.

  10. If someone said to me I could never eat cheese again I wouldn’t even blink.

    Wouldn’t give a flying fuck.

    Cry myself to sleep if it was Holland’s meat & potato pies

    • Lad I worked with years ago used to whiff of meat and tatie pie Mis.

      Armpits minus anti perspirant.

      It still didn’t put me off them though.

      • I’ll eat cheese CP but it’s way down the list on my preferred foodstuffs.

        And it’d have to be English.

        Wouldn’t even consider some filthy foreign shite.
        I don’t eat curry either.
        Or pasta.

        Fuck that shite.

  12. Nooooooooooooooo….

    I can’t accept this.

    Nothing better than a nice strong blue cheese or ripe brie on hot baguette.

    • For the more discerning punter, try a fresh croissant with cheddar and some good smoked ham, topped off with Dijon. Add a glass of decent white.

      Ignore the philistines on here.

      • Touche.

        Throw in a couple of French hussies in maids outfits and I don’t give a shite what anyone else thinks 😂😂

      • I once horrified a French workmate by putting bacon in a croissant. Which answers all my requirements for salty calories and doesn’t need cheese. Delicious. If I had a croissant, I’d have one now.

      • Hello Ron,

        I know I am late to the party but try cheese with a dessert wine rather than red or white.

  14. There are fucking thousands of different cheeses.
    There will be a cheese from somewhere that you will like.

    I fucking hate Indian cheeses almost as much as I hate Indians.

    A mature cheddar melted on toast is perfect.
    Only a poof or tranny would turn his nose up at that.

    Manchego is horrible.
    It won’t melt.

    French and Italian chesses are best in my opinion.

    The Dutch and Swiss can fuck off.

  15. I’m sure most people have a food that they really hate.

    I can’t abide bananas, slimy things, and raspberries, but the thing that really turns me up are eggs with runny yolks, Satan’s vomit!

  16. Fry up a chopped onion, bacon bits and a couple of fresh tomatoes, Go easy with the Italian herbs and black pepper, let it simmer for a minute. Add cooked spaghetti , then grated mature cheddar, Edam and Parmesan (ratio – 1:1:0.5) , stirring them evenly into the spaghetti. Finish under the grill if your energy costs allow. (Cheddar+ Edam maybe = mozarella, but IMO is better)

    My grandmother got this simple recipe off an Italian tenor on the opera rep circuit, and I have enjoyed it all my life. Cheese rules.

  17. I’m with Polite Cunt on this.
    Cheese is for people who can’t afford meat
    And remoaners.

    I knew a bloke who ate cheese and ended up coming out as gay.

    Some might say he was always gay,
    But I think the cheese had something to do with it.
    Too much estrogen from the cows or something?

    And Larry Grayson liked cheese

  18. Greek cheeses are by far the worst as are the fucking Bubbles. I’d give them the Elgin Marbles as long as they all fuck off with them and don’t come back.
    How come no wokies consider eating food of foreign origin as “cultural appropriation”?
    I find that offensive and I’m going to cry.

  19. French and Italian cheeses; full of flavour and broad range of textures.

    I like a nutty emmental or Basque Osau Iraty.

    English cheeses are a mixed affair, most aren’t very interesting.

    Americans seem to love cheese but only the one sort, their own stuff.

    The author’s experiences of decent food seem limited from what he’s written.
    A rich stinking blue up his nose will convert him.

  20. Oh no no no. A crusty slice of bread, strong cheddar or dorset blue, branston pickle, pork pie, bottle of korev and my springer by my side. Absolute bliss.

    • Now your pork pie, now your talking.

      Proper that, a pork pie.
      Respectable.

      A picnickers delight your pork pie is.

  21. A visit to a good deli should sort out the author of this nom.
    Taste a little portion of whatever they have and ask questions.
    He will soon find something that he likes.

    I can’t imagine a world without cheese.

    Also, eating out with someone who doesn’t like cheese must be like eating out with a vegan.

    “Does it have cheese in the recipe?”
    “Have you got a cheese free alternative?”

    If I was the waiter I would tell the non cheesy person to fuck off.

      • How you spell it gives away your social class. For the plebs it’s ‘yogurt’, for the middle class it’s ‘yoghurt’, and for the Jonquils and Ruperts it’s ‘yoghourt’.
        Personally I spell it ‘Activia’.

      • Fuck me I am middle class after all!

        All the hard work paid off finally I’ve made it after all these years. 💪

        I’ll have a pot of yoghurt to celebrate.

      • Ekchuleh, m’ dear chaps…

        it’s “yoğurt”, and the ğ is silent as in banağna.

        Or so the ghost of CS tells me.

      • Is yoghurt gay?

        Well I’d quite happily have “greek sex” with Sasha Grey and shoot my yoghurt up her bum hole and then make her squirt it out into a cognac glass and then make her drink it.
        The dirty bitch. I bet she’d fucking love it.

      • Walking to work one day i heard a kid at a bus stop grumbling to his mum that he didn’t want to go to school. By the time the bus arrived he was clinging to the bust stop for dear life and screaming hysterically that he didn’t want to go.
        That would be me with you lot trying to get me on the cheesy bus to the cheesy festival. 🤬

    • No you’re fine PC. I’m pretty dimilar when it comes to fish and seafood. Trouble is the majority of Britain is the same.
      An Island that doesnt really eat fish.

  23. I remember reading about the Viet Cong during the Vietnam war.

    Apparently deep in the jungles they could smell patrols of American GI’s.

    How?
    They stunk of cheese.
    The western diet of the yanks.

    So polite cunt is less likely to be shot by the Viet Cong than anyone on here.

    He should mention that to his insurance firm.

  25. I adore melted cheese. I’m having a pizza tonight with lot’s of added cheddar on top. my favourite snack is tomato soup with so much cheese added that the soup turn’s bright orange😍

  26. I can take it or leave it but definitely none of that veiny shite that tastes of soap. If I never had cheese again, I don’t think I’d care.
    And who had the stupid idea to say that a cheese board is an acceptable afters? Apple pie and custard is afters. Sticky toffee pudding is afters. Cheese, crackers and a couple of grapes is not afters. Can I blame the French?

    • I have often had a cheese board for afters and given the choice go for French over English.

      I’m like that with the football as well, although not the rugby.

  27. Somerset cheddar all the way, with a nice dry scrumpy cider.

    Anything soft from France is basically shit.

    And Gloucestershire, Double Gloucester is shit, like the idiots that live there and chase it down a hill. Scum that earned enough cash to escape Liverpool.

  28. Stinking Bishop cheese lives up to it’s name.
    Triple wrapped and inside the fridge, still stunk out the house. You wouldn’t like it PC

    • We’ve got some Camembert that’s currently stinking the fridge out.

      I feel like a traitor eating French cheese, but it ain’t hallf good on crusty bread…

      • IsAC might need to form a support group for us fans of the fromage francais.

        Mis’ should be our leader.

  29. Somerset cheese AND scrumpy!

    Well done that Wurzel!
    Will you be dining in the barn or the hayloft?

  30. Two slices of nice bread buttered with a good cheddar cheese in the middle and maybe a dab of mustard or thinly sliced tomatoes to compliment.
    Beat an egg on a plate and add a pinch of sea salt.
    Dip the sandwich in the egg mix covering both sides.
    Have a clean preheated frying pan with decent olive oil on the simmer
    Place the sandwich on the frying pan and fry gently on both sides.
    Heaven, when there’s fk all left to eat in the house on a freeze ones bollocks off evening.

    • Sounds ghastly.

      Take 3 generous slices of cheddar
      Blend with breadcrumbs
      Add small knob of butter
      Mix
      Add fresh basil and some sauteed thin cut potato slices ,
      Then bake for 45min in centre of oven.
      Serve with white wine.

      Then chuck the shite in the bin
      Nip to the chippy
      Pudding chips peas an gravy please Elsie

      Season with salt n vinegar

      • You like cooking Mis don’t you, I can tell.
        If starving though go to a local butcher and get a traditional black pudding or white not that plastic covered shit from supermarkets as one can eat them raw
        All these tips are for the students who are now back in college and will be permanently broke until grant time and then they piss the money up against the wall at 3 in the morning.
        Cheesy cunts the most of em

Comments are closed.