The UFO Hearings

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A skinny, grey, bug-eyed, melon-headed cunting for the UFO hearings.

Grauniad Link.

(it’s The Gonad. I couldn’t find a serious publication covering it)

Honestly, what a big load of shite. David Grusch has some neck.

No good having modern politicians grill him.; they think woman can have dicks. Get the astrophysicists, molecular biologists and aeronautical engineers in..

The term ‘Non-human biologics’- terminology used by characters in nineties Sci-fi shows. Pure Hollywood

Footage of ‘mysterious craft’ revealed, complete with FAA-approved navigation lights.

It seems like theatre to distract from something else. Possibly some studies relating to mRNA vaccines and heart damage being released. Possibly something to do with the Bidens.

Here’s the UFO phenomenon summed up in one video

FaecesBook Link.

There may be genuinely unexplainable aerial phenomena , but it’s largely an ACP. (Anglophone Cultural Phenomenon).. Interestingly, the majority of sightings in America have occurred away from the very areas associated with this activity in the ‘lore’ -Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, Utah – and more focused along the west and east coasts of the US, were the druggies, hippies and swivel-eyed whackadoodles live.

Too bad Carl Sagan is dead. He’d shit all over it.

Nominated by : Cuntamus Prime

74 thoughts on “The UFO Hearings”

  1. I believe there is a alien colony in Brighton.

    All that anal probing that goes on down there, can’t all be for pleasure..

  2. I notice that every cunt kidnapped by aliens is some pisshead redneck living in the middle of nowhere. These fucking flying saucers never land in Hyde Park on a Sunday afternoon the cunts.
    More scare story bullshit….. file next to climate crisis Miss Moneypenny.

  3. That’s what you want us to believe.
    Bet your in with them .
    They’ve got to you CP haven’t they?

    NASA, the govmint, the moonmen.
    Foxy knew all about it.
    Why he had to go.

    Look to the skies cunters!
    Freak out in a moonage daydream
    Oh yeah

    • They may have, Mis’. What can I say? They know how a man thinks, what he desires most in the world.. It was the lifetime supply of fun-size boxes of smarties.

  5. With you on that Barry. I believe that there is a very long brown tunnel link under the ocean all the way from San Francisco. Aliens 👽 are caught in the Nevada desert. Assimilated in Francisco and then journey through the tunnel and enter Brighton, from behind, and are sworn to serve Eddie izzard.

    • Pure genius, better watch your back. Those who venture close to the truth often disappear for a period of time, on return they are unable to ride their electric bikes for a day or so.

  6. Fuck knows why any alien would think visiting the earth is a good idea.

    The craft would only have to tune into the Internet or TV in any country beforehand to see the place is one massive brain fart.

    Best use the warp travel facility to visit that other place, one trillion light years away, on the other side of the universe, where they don’t have Bidens, Putins or Starmers.

    • Very good point PM, often thought why would anything with the capability to cross the vastness of an ever expanding universe in some incredible craft want to visit earth to stick things up eejits arses. As you so rightly point out an hour of tv channels would be enough to convince them let’s visit some other place. Just suppose for a moment that these things exist and are on the alphabet persons spectrum that would account for probing in certain places. Oh fuck.

  7. If it’s extraterrestrial life you’re after, you need look no further than Stowmarket in Suffolk on market day (I went once – don’t ask).

    • Told you on here before about this,
      But I’m repetitive and I’ll say it again.

      About 20 years ago I was working in the hills up near Rawtenstall,
      A grey winters afternoon.
      A massive disc of light moving at high speed flew across the sky and over where I was.

      My eyes bugged
      My jaw dropped.

      Then, another!
      And another and another.
      At that moment my mind was made up.
      Our new overlords had arrived.
      I would swear fealty to them against humankind.

      As I crested the hill,
      I noticed every time a UFO went over
      A car would be driving way down below on a road.

      It was a optical illusion.
      Caused by weather conditions.
      The headlights were somehow being reflected onto the clouds.

      Pretty cool to see.
      Nanu Nanu🖖

    • Correct. Diss on a Friday night, or Ipswich any time would probably trump Stoomaarkit.

      • It is widely believed that walking with cavemen was filmed on Kings Lynn high Street on a Tuesday afternoon.

        One of those places where your mother and sister are likely to be the same person.

      • Let’s hope the aliens never invade the departure lounge at Stansted.

        Orange face, duck pout slappers accompanied by wide-boy neck tattoo fuckwits.

        The aliens would nuke us, out of kindness

  8. Fucking aliens landing on Dover everyday, who needs high tech spaceships(which appear to keep crashing).
    Talking of aliens, I see Lily Allen lost it at the age of 12. Fucking slapper.

  9. I quite like the accounts given by U.S navy pilots of the stuff they’ve seen whizzing about…it’s more entertaining than listening to some cunt droning on about the sea boiling or the latest stabathon.

    Aliens? Already got plenty of those ugly cunts paddling across the Channel every day.

    Fuck em.

  10. Fuck me, we’re being invaded on a daily basis by thieves, p*nces, rapists and terrorists in inflatable boats and they’re expecting us to worry about bug eyed motherfuckers zipping around in rockets and shit. I know they’re going to tax us for this I just haven’t figured out how they’re going to pull the scam off yet.
    Just be scared……that’s all you need to know for now.

    • Good point – how can they tax us for this? Jabs against aliens? Charge us for crappy face masks against Martian viruses? At least our government has plenty of friends who can supply this useless crap.

  11. As for getting the scientists involved…as long as it isn’t the same dipshit cunts who propagate the Man Made Climate Change myth or who pushed the Covid mask/distance/vaccination bullshit…fine…but until I see a Zeta Riticulan beam Donald Trump up to the Mother Ship or blast Joe Biden into oblivion, I’ll reserve judgement.

    The truth is out there…but so are liars and con artists.

    As an aside…I wonder how many genders the Zeta Riticulans have?

      • Fuck those bastard cunts. I fell for it the first time I ain’t getting mugged off again.

      • Do you remember the last ‘omicron’ variant? You know the one – it was so fucking transmitable that it would likely cause the end of civilisation as we know it. Well, that one must still be out there and we don’t give a shit about it. We’ll do the same to any fucking moronic (omicrom!!? see what I did there?), variant they care to dream up. It ain’t going to happen

    • The Reticulati have one gender… quare.

      When they aren’t lubbocking truckers and loggers, they can be found at The Ivy before taking in a show, usually Equus starring a lovely boy.

  12. It would be in the gonad, those fuckers live on another planet.

    One where everyone gets on in perfect harmony.

    Aliens must have better things to do than visit this shitshow of a planet.

    We are probably like a victorian freak show to them..

    Plenty of john merrick’s wandering about.

  13. Great cunting CP.

    The thought that this shit is all a beard for covering emerging covid vaccine outrage is certainly one I had. As for Burden, I believe it was the Martian vote that saw him over the line in 2020.

    I read ‘The Three Body Problem’ trilogy by Liu Cixin (highly recommended), wherein it is argued that as soon as aliens spot another inhabited planet they blow the fuck out of it just to be safe. Of course ‘safe and effective’ is a popular mantra of the men in white coats. ‘Follow the science’ is another. ‘Joe Biden won fair and square’ is equally improbable.

    Eerily Saffron Walden is full of extra terrestrials so we may be too late..

    Good morning, everyone.

    • Yes, I haven’t read the series but I’ve heard a fair bit about it and read about the Dark Forest hypothesis.

      • Well worth a look, CP. They were supposed to be making a film of it. Fuck knows how they would do that!

  14. Aliens must exist, they’re simply too far away to ever be able to contact us…700 quintillion plants across 200 billion galaxies in the known universe and a species that watches Ant and Dec and Made in Chelsea and whose darker residents still reside in literal mud huts reckons it’s the only sentient form of life in the universe?
    Nonsense.
    I hope alien birds have at least three tits, like that prossie in Total Recall.

    • They’re an advanced civilisation Mr Cunt Engine……obviously non binary you bigot.

    • Morning Thomas.

      I’m sure they exist for those very reasons you say. Although I don’t reckon they have been to this neck of the woods.

    • I’m sure there are ‘beings’ outside the solar system but I think staying cautious about the idea that they’re here and queer for truckers is wise.

      Call me a cynic but I smell a bit of a game going on with Grusch.
      A Pentagon analyst named a whistleblower by the sensationalist media yet he’s going through the official process, hence not saying anything particularly concrete, and saving the details of what his mate saw laying on the ground in Arizona for the SCIF, where i reckon they’ll watch an alien sex show.

  15. There are two possibilities here:

    1) This is a power play by the elites and their way of subtly saying “We’ve been hiding this shit from you for over half a century and we are only telling you this now because we can. Now get back in your pods, eat the bugs, own nothing and be happy you fucking plebs!”

    2) This is a bullshit, key-jangling distraction from other nefarious shit they’ve got going on.

    I’m more inclined to think the latter. Politicians lie so much that if one of them said that touching the hot plate of an active stove with your bare hand is dangerous, I’d touch the damn thing just to make sure I wasn’t being lied to.

    • If a politician tells you it’s raining it’s because he wants you to put on your coat so he can piss in your pockets.

  16. Hopefully the aliens will exterminate us with a massive death Ray.

    Just as dame keir steps out of number 10 as prime minister..

    • Just as long as it’s over quickly like the White House destruction scene in the movie Independence Day, I’m all for it.

    • Golden retrievers won’t have to worry. They seemed Immune to fire and shockwaves in the film.

  17. Absolutely no point in travelling light years just to buzz through the atmosphere of an inhabited planet and then fuck off.

    Even if humans do appear to be stupid to aliens, I feel that they would make contact anyway.
    Perhaps not face to face but by using a robot.

    In an infinite universe there must be intelligent life on other planets, and by definition there will be an infinite number of planets supporting life.

    The problem is the huge distances involved.

    Warp speed is bollocks, dreamed up by Star Trek.

    • Even as a skeptic i think the way around the distance can be solved by time. Travelling close to light speed means your experience of time is slowed down compared to that experienced on Earth or in orbit.
      A large craft carrying a crew of thousands might be used to cross the distance in little time for those on board, but centuries-millennia may have passed on Earth. The craft seen by pilots and radar operators may simply be the reconnaissance drones/ landing craft dispatched from a larger craft somewhere else.

  19. You cunts can mock all you want.

    You won’t think it so funny when like me, you get abducted by sinister little grey beings, beamed up to their starship and probed.

    It’s ruined my life, and all that happens is that I get made fun of.

    I would say good morning, but now I’m in a bad mood so I won’t.

    • My awful theory is that the stereotypical aliens are space gibbons from the future, as if gibbon-kind went underground for a few centuries after humans nuke themselves, discover the remnants of our machinery and end up looking like the aliens of pop culture. Underground living would select for some of their features.

      Still, wasn’t the Mekon and his kind around years before anyone clqaimed to have seen these creatures?

  20. Digress. Michael Parkinson has bought the farm. Only remembered for interviewing a fighting wollygogg and fending off an emu, who eventually fell from the rooftops trying to fix a tv arial to watch United’s 2 subs sink the bosh.

    • His days of giving away free pens on telly are well and truly over.
      MNC will be gutted.
      Parky was like a father to him.

  21. Anything you can’t identify in the air can be classed as a UFO.
    During WW2, USAAF pilots coming across the same phenomena (usually a German jet/rocket), reported them as ‘Foo Fighters’.
    As for the ‘Roswell’ nonsense, that was the remains of a captured V2 rocket undergoing evaluation, that had the warhead replaced with an unhappy ‘crew’ of monkeys. You only have to vist Hartleypool to experience the histoical legacy of monkey ignorance.
    Aliens my unprobed arse.
    There’s fuck all else out there.
    Here endeth the lesson.

  22. Wer’e famous across the galaxy, our planet is a soap opera for distant solar systems.
    Positioned near a galactic super-highway, wer’e like a truck stop for aliens on threir way home.
    They stop off to play football and golf on mars and saturn before shape-shifting to beam down to earth. Seems their partial to kfc, gummy bears, camels and candy floss.

    Engaging the cloaking device, fthey make a few orbits of earth to pick up the latest on shitshow planet earth to take back to galactic broadcasting on planet zog.
    It’s the number one show as families sit around to find out if sleepy Joe’s pissed his pants again or if the teletubbies have come out as trans.
    I can see them now, cackling away like those alien robots from the smah adverts.

    https://youtu.be/U4MTgjNkfyI

  24. Shaun Ryder is well into the UFO ‘phenomenon’.
    Mind you, he’s been stoned off his tits since 1980.

  25. The UFO craze was bad enough in the 90s. X-Files saddos were legion back then.

    I’d have banged that Dana Scully like a shithouse door in a hurricane though.

  27. I remember the cringeworthy ‘Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft’ by The Carpenters. Seven minutes fucking long. The Spacemen in their saucer probably heard that and thought ‘Fuck this! We’re not going there!’

  28. I also remember that ridiculous Dynasty spin-off. Where that bird goes up in a UFO.
    I wouldn’t have minded giving Emma Samms a good going over myself.

  29. One photo I saw looked like the engine on top of a Flymo, with the pull-cord starter handle just out of sight. For some puerile reason, I find the thought of a flying saucer starter and engine being a good ole Briggs & Stratton quite amusing…

    • Good old Briggs and Stratton.

      I have the neighbours mower and the cunt hasn’t been serviced in about 3 years. Same oil, spark plug, filter and blade.

      It’s absolutely fucked – but it still runs. (needs about 20 attempts and stalls) but does it’s job, unlike the fucking grass basket.

  30. ‘A skinny, grey, bug-eyed, melon-headed cunting for the UFO hearings.’

    Ace! Best intro to a cunting in a long time!

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