Eating out is, or should be, a simple pleasure in life. However, due to the fact that most people are inconsiderate, disrespectful, rude, loud, obnoxious and entitled cunts these days, the dining experience can be ruined in so many ways.
To increase the chances of an enjoyable meal out, Mrs. Yank and I often go to eateries at non-peak times. The potential benefits are plenty, mainly down to there being far fewer diners. Fewer diners means less noise, a good chance of no bastard scum kids ruining everything, kitchen not backed up so faster service and better, more attentive service from the wait staff. Ahhh bliss.
Even when the eating out gods are smiling upon thee, we still have the moronic and logic defying seating assignments perpetrated by the thick-as-pig-shit host or hostess. That individual often being the vacant teenager who welcomes you at the front door of the establishment. So what’s their crime? Read on.
Actual example from last Saturday. We enter the restaurant mid afternoon and joy to behold, it’s big inside and practically empty. Two, maybe three other tables at most. We’re shown to a booth. But wait, there are 3 in a row and one on the end is occupied by an elderly couple. Don’t sit us next to them FFS! Success! We’re shown to the booth at the opposite end. We settle in, get some drinks and order. Then a large group shows up at the hostess station. Uh oh, they’re coming this way. Too many for the empty booth between us and the elderly couple. Keep going, walk on by. But no. The hostess parks these cunts at a large table right next to where we’re sitting. WHY, FFS? Just WHY?
I could count more than a dozen other large tables well away from us and all unoccupied, so why plant these loud, obnoxious cunts right next to us? What the fuck is wrong with you, you cunt? Then predictably, some fat tart friend who obviously used to be a public address system in a previous life waddles over to this table and starts yammering on about fuck knows what. Being a Yank it’s done at a volume which involves us and most of Canada.
Another meal out ruined. Un-fucking-believable.
Nominated by Imitation Yank.
Eating out is indeed a pleasure.
I just wish I could do a bit more of it with lots of different ladies.
9
Also good when on a diet.
3
Then fuck to paying the bill.
4
Also use the “off-peak” tati when dining out, but last time it backfired.
The place was heaving and I’ve never seen so many Clampetts and Nesbitts in one place.
That’s one place I won’t be going to again.
5
That’ll teach you to eat out using The Sun’s 50% off promo deal, JP.
5
The Sun, I wouldn’t use it the wrap my dogs shite in.
It’s not a newspaper, it’s a comic for the mentally challenged.
7
Need a reprise of those private eating booths that were once a feature,albeit in the US ? The notion of chowing down,cheek by jowl with total strangers has little appeal to me personally and l don’t suppose even the top nose baggeries have got to grips yet with banning toxic seed-oils from their cooking procedures as yet-Canola,’sunflower’ type of crapola.?
6
Whatever McDonalds cook their fries and mcnuggets in, it tastes as if it gives them a carcinogenic, bleachy quality.
I never refer to them as Maccy D’s; that suggests far too much familiarity.
2
People who refer to it as Maccy D’s are clearly twats.
3
Ps, the food and service was great, it’s the customers put me off.
I’ll stick to my two local eateries in future, better class of scum in them.
2
Tactic, not tati, fgs!
2
We go out for Sunday lunch once a month. Quiet pub excellent food. Bliss. Mostly old cunts like us, you could hear a pin drop. Result.
11
No obese chav birds licking gravy off their fleshy forearms, then?
I saw that in a Wetherspoons.
6
Nope, too far out of town for chavs.
2
Oh yeuck!
How tacky.
2
IY I hope the tip you left the hostess tart reflected yours and your good ladies displeasure? Trust pilot are worth polling for a one star review. Don’t get mad, get even.
4
Hey CM –
Our waitress was OK to be fair to her. It wasn’t her idea to seat a bunch of cunts next to us. Tipping in the US is a bit out of control. When you order takeaway they expect a tip for handing you your food. WTF? Thank the good lord we’re allowed to carry firearms around. It makes for an easier less hassle passage through the day.
Lock ‘n’ load! Cheers – IY.
1
Tipped for handing your food?
They’ve gone soft.
They can’t win a war without our help. Blubberguts joining their army these days. All with IQs of 69.
0
I dine out every Sunday.
A peak District pub.
I love the faces on the middle class cunts unable to get a table😆
A big black car pulls up.
A heavily tattooed leg comes out,
Followed by some big bearded scruffy cunt.
He looks like Tyson Fury when he was on the piss,
He opens the boot of the car and gets out what looks to be a bear!!
Oh gracious, jonty I hope they won’t cause trouble!!
The staff come out and rather than tell them to move on they bring the bear a bowl of water!
Then the landlord and landlady exchange hugs with these gyppos.
The gyppos get the V.I.P treatment and are led to a table,
This is outrageous!!
Are they famous?
No.
You cunts, I tip people, treat them as human beings,
Don’t cause fuss or complain.
I use my manners
And appreciate others efforts.
If they’re the perfect host I’m the perfect customer.
Bye , thanks!
See you next week.
😁👍
10
Have you got your own personalised tankard or Viking horn Mis?
5
No, but not a bad idea LL.
I don’t like to put people to too much trouble.
You know me,
Humble AND shy.
4
I doubt it, not in a gay bar
6
A Exclusive gay bar.
Get it right.
3
Oh of course Mis, nothing as gaudy and tasteless as solid silver with ‘The Boss’ hand engraved on it.
4
Exclusive 😂
2
Yeah they wouldn’t let any old rentboy in.
You’d have to sit outside in your rubber undercrackers with a coke and a packet of crisps next to Boy George.😁
4
I wouldn’t even be allowed into the car park 😢
2
it surprises me how rude some people are to the people who serve them food, before the food is served.
I how much bodily fluid has been served up to mouthy customers, be they chavs, fat karens or Michael Winner-types?
5
Exactly CP.
You’d have to be fuckin mental to upset someone serving your food.
But some do.
7
Those are the people who get to taste Winner’s sauce.
Allegedly a salty tasting white condiment that was served to Michael Winner at every meal.
Having met the obnoxious cunt, I can’t say I’m surprised.
3
Do they play a suitable soundtrack, to announce your arrival, Mis.
I’m thinking “Cotton-eyed Joe”
2
As well as being inconsiderate, disrespectful, rude, loud, obnoxious and entitled these days people seem to have little common sense. So it’s not surprising when they sit everyone next to each other and leave the rest of the place empty. It’s the result of cultivating zero attention after watching TikTok – all you need is to remember to scroll down.
5
Booth ???
7
I know. I wondered if the waiters were on rollerskates.
3
We dined out last night and watched a family come in; one child, male, 14ish, carrying a skateboard.
A skateboard FFS.
5
One of my usual haunts for Sunday has some 4 seater booths, complete with a little TV playing CBeebies for kiddies, and the simple minded.
I prefer a table by the window, at least no cunt can sit behind me, and I can turn my back on everyone else.
3
Everything in life should be a simple pleasure..but you forgot to factor in the human race.
A bigger bunch of self obsessed cunts you couldn’t find. Know one else matters but them..
And don’t you think otherwise.
Loud obnoxious restaurant cunts should be poisoned with rancid chicken.
13
A seafood buffet in Las Vegas or on a Cruise liner will do the trick.
Old biddies poking the prawns after wiping their arses and using fruit machines.
2
The continentals, the French and Spanish often go out in very large family groups often on weekends and are capable of ruining any dinning experience. Usually 4 generations of the cunts from infants to coffin dodgers shout loudly across the table totally oblivious to anyone else there. I have know that even their own country men comment, to myself, just how rude large family groups of these cunts can be.
9
I wouldnt sit near a table of foreigners.
It’d spoil my meal.
Especially a family of French cunts .
Sucking snail shells and chewing with their mouths open.
I like to sit amongst my own
Honest down to earth English scum.
10
Eating out is a lottery, unless of course ones familiar and happy with the establishment.
I hate all that ceremony of wine opening and the tasting of cheap piss, plus the pouring of sauce onto the main course with steam or flames and all that faff.
I hate the return of the smiling waiter asking is everything ok.
“It is gorgeous” replies one of the guests , who wouldn’t know their arse from their elbow about what a good quality meat, poultry or fish dish should be.
Ive been there, usually not by choice but simply because certain occasions demanded and have come away feeling fkn angry with cost and the dinner being utter scutter on numerous times.
Just make sure the food is really good and I will pay happily but stick all that faux friendly service with linen napkins and flowers up yer arse.
6
Do you have the Craggy island happy meal meCuntry?
😄
3
I did Mis, ha hah hah.
3
We frequent high-class establishments, where the waiting staff wait til everyone’s mouth is full before asking if everything is ok.
No-one able to give a coherent response, the odd choking incident, lovely.
10
Not just high class ones, Gloria.
Middle of the road eateries do it too, but I have an ” here comes the bullshitter detector”
If it’s crap, I say so, IF I can get a word in before the Berserker goes off!
1
Yeah I find that’s a common trend in chain restaurants a bit more upmarket than your average ‘Spoons but still a bit shit, like a Beefeater/ASK//Wagamama. All owned by distant holdings companies with an office in Canary Wharf, whose executives would bust a rib lsughing at the idea of eating out at one of these dumps.
Despite the higher prices, I think they operate to ‘KPI’ system. Churn it out, same temperature for burgers, chips and beers – tepid, fill them up on bread, barely-there toppings, condiments, sauces, pester them every five minutes, hit a target, tick a box, get a star by your name on the noticeboard.
Too bad cookery is more of an art and none of these chain places can ever cook an edible steak. It’s just sad how these places operate and turn eating out into some hard sell.
0
I had steak and ale pie with chips gravy and mushy peas at the Church Inn last evening.
It was excellent washed down with some cloudy cider.
There were no cunts in attendance.
You have my sympathies IY..but it is America you know.
9
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-coventry-warwickshire-66614527
fucking ace.
4
I bet it’s them ones that are on the moon?
Radioactive chapati!!😳
Like the Hulk.
3
That will be half the country in a few years.
‘Err.. we might need to look into those mRNA vaccines..’
Some chance.
7
It is indeed, Unkle. Place is full of Yanks. Who woulda thunk it?
Highs and lows and all that. It’s just the ignorant and non-thinking behaviour of some that grinds the gears. Americans can be so loud. It’s like they’re all in some unacknowledged competition with each other vying for who can be the loudest. Cunts.
2
WE GOT THE BEST PASTRAMI!
RIGHT HEEEERRE!
WE GOT THE BEST PIZZA!
RIGHT HEEERRE!
WE GOT THE BEST CHEESE STEAKS!
RIGHT HEEERRE!
WANT CHEESE WID DAT?HOW’BOUT MORE CHEESE WITH A SIDE ORDER A’CHEESE GADDAMMIT?!
Apologies to the Americans who post here but I had to get it outta.. out of my system.
Goddamnit!
0
I don’t thinks that Yank’s have any right to complain about eating arrangements given the shit they’ve infected this once green pleasant land with –
Burger King, KFC, McFuckingDonalds, Starbucks to name but a few.
And don’t get me started on Uber eats, Deliveroo and all the other cunts on bikes that will deliver this crap to our doorstep.
Food is dead. Blame the fucking Yanks.
Did somebody say Just Shit…
19
And now the underclass can pay for their filth in installments.
5
Went to a Chinese in Dronfield last Sunday, booked for 5pm when the opened. We were the only people eating in, but they were doing a roaring trade in takeaway.
Starters, mains and drinks for 5, £20 each and the food was bloody amazing.
That’s my kind of eatery.
6
Did you have the bat?
It’s rubbery
7
No but they taste like chicken 🍗
3
Crispy duck!
What a joy, I’d have eaten the bones if I had the teeth for it.
4
Didn’t see it on the menu.
2
You have to ask, Sammy.
They are very obliging, it’s written into their DNA.
2
I havent been to a lot of chinese restaurants. I was recommended a local one a few years ago. It was suposed to be great, but i found a long black chinese hair in my rice.
Others tend to be buffets and only have two sauces; sweet red and salty as fuck.
I went to one with a couple of student mates. I just winced at all the precooked jelly meat sitting in MSG, colouring and salt. I stuck to the battered dry dishes, rice and crackers
4
” occupied by an elderly couple. Don’t sit us next to them FFS ! ”
Some people have no respect.
Sorry your meal was spoiled 😁
Last Saturday, me and Ethel had a run out to Hayfield for the day.
Had some hearty nosh in a wonderful tea shop with excellent seating arrangements ( by the window )
Had a walk, watched some cricket and purchased some tasty sausages from the local butchers.
It was all rather lovely. 😀
11
Hello Jack!👍
That butchers,
If they ever have bacon burgers in when you go in, buy them!
Delicious ❤️
I was in Hayfield myself up above at ‘peep o day’ with the dog.
3
You are the reincarnation of John Le Mesurier and I claim my £5
4
Hahaha 😂
2
Alright MNC ? Next time we’re there, I’ll ask.
It’s a good butchers.
The dog was going mad to get in….. Sensory overload ! 😀
Have a good weekend 👍
5
It is a good butchers your right.
I’ve a marvelous weekend planned Jack,
Sunday lunch in pub then a walk with me dog,
Then out with the lads at my mates custom bike show.
And I’m going to get ratarsed.
🍺🍻
Chin chin!
Have a good weekend yourself pal👍
6
Ratarsed is a brilliant word.
God bless the English language 😀👍
5
You have to take the rough with the smooth wherever you eat, so long as you don’t upset the waiters, if you don’t want jizz in the food and piss in the wine.
3
‘Separate Tables’ by Terrence Rattigan comes to mind. What a dreary, hopeless portrayal of the English it is. David Niven sits at a separate table. There is something of a sexual nature about him in the papers. He becomes isolated at his separate table. But finally the kindly tww old spinsters who sit at a joint table I suppose decide to talk to him in the end. Invite him back into the conversation.
Must be terrible to live in a hotel. Lennon lived at the Dakota all the time. Something shit about him there.
Larkin arrived late one evening at hotel and reflects on his tay in a poem with the line-
‘No friends but empty chairs’.
5
Evening Miles👍
Terry Ratbag was a Billy nomates,
Probably tightfisted?
Lot of those literature types forget their wallet.
He should of gone to wetherspoons.
6
Where he could have scavenged the left overs from other peoples plates.
They really are slack at table clearing at our local ‘Spoons.
6
The ‘Spoons is always a creative hub for artists.
Piss artists and the art of drunken hollering and threats.
0
He was as a nomo Miserable.
His most famous play ‘The Browning Version’ about odd
goings on at public school.
Mostly the ‘Angry Young Men’ like John Osborne were mad at him.
Sick of gentlity.
3
That explains it Miles.
Ducky Terry was probably in the thick of any odd goings on.
A light grip on his quill😁
3
I would have thought he’d have preferred a firm grip on his quill, Mis.
2
Im not sure JP?
Long as he keeps his hands to himself and stays away from our quills eh?
You seeing your girls over the Bank Holiday JP?
Going anywhere?
1
Younger tomorrow, for a bit of a jolly.
Elder on Sunday, along with the Berserker.
I’ve bought a chainsaw, so he’s going to practice on my overgrown shrubbery, before he tackles his own.
Why me first? Impeccable Berserker logic.
“You don’t care if it looks an arse, as long as it’s lopped down”
3
The Angry Young Men.
Had to check if the film Saturday Night Sunday Morning was a play before a film and it was.
Alan Sillitoe.
0
We dined out last night. 5 pm, quiet. Giant haddock, chips and Scunny guacamole. Washed down with good pale ale.
We were the only chavs in.
10
Was it otherwise populated by Crispin and Jocasta, roughing it “darling”, and complaining that there was no Veuve Cliqot on the drinks menu?
4
OT quick survey?
Jamiroquai
Pete tong
Or a oasis tribute band..
Or chance my arm on a restaurant without cunts in it.
2
Chance your arm, Barry.
1
Jamiroquai?! FFS is he still around?
Thought he’d probably have wrapped one of his sportscars around a tree by now.
2
I remember the band. I owned one of their CDs.
0
Are you dining at the Groucho club in 1998?
0
A long time ago when Ricky Gervais first started out as a chat show host, he interviewed film director Michael Winner, who eventually became notorious restaurant critic. When talking about wine, Ricky asked Winner how much waiters piss had he drank.
3
Or Winner’s Sauce to garnish his main course..
1
You can afford to eat out in restaurants?
Win the lottery? Rich relative karked it?
5
Rich relative carked it, Odin.
Thanks, Mum and Dad.
3
And, of course, I worked like fucking stink most of my life, so I could have a house, no mortgage, decent private pensions ( that I pay Income Tax on, so feckless cunts don’t have to work), and a debt free life.
3
@JP. It’s a wonderful life 👍
Good evening.
5
Good evening, Jack.
4
Don’t get me started.
I have dangerously high blood pressure.
3
When I lived in Brum a few years back we used to rough at the local Weatherspoon’s and Hungry Horse restaurants. To be honest the former was pretty decent depending on the time of day (mid afternoons were the best). Quiet, clean tables, good service and shitloads of good food.
However if we went of an evening then you’d barely recognise the place! Families would dominate most of the tables with their screaming kids, pushchairs blocking aisles, kids running around, and parents shouting across tables.
As for Hungry Horse – fucking hell, it was like going back to the Stone Age and prehistoric man! I don’t even know waiters bothered laying cutlery, most of the Fred Flintstone diners wouldn’t have a clue how to use a knife and fork!
Fortunately the local pubs up here are still quite olde worlde, as well as being on the expensive side. Which we don’t mind if it means keeping the chav shit-munchers out. A very small price to pay in fact.
9
Our nearest Wetherspoon is a huge, double barn like establishment, not easily accessible by foot or bus, so naturally has parking available for approximately a third of it’s potential custom.
What a fucking shit show, it is. Be a cold day in Hell before I go there, or Elmwood Farms again.
I’m cooking Sunday dinner myself this week. Roast pork, cauli, broccoli, sweetcorn yorkies, roasties and stuffing. Oh, and sprout surprise.
2
Hungry Horse food and service is fucking shite. Once, never again.
3
All ‘Spoons in my region are dogshit.
Curry night was a regrettable experience.
Curries were frequently cold, same with the little Tesco Value-level samosas.
After a few drinks I told the paupers I was dining with we should perhaps pack it in and try a real Indian restaurant, but one insisted on going back to the’Spoons because he didn’t trust Indian/Bangladeshi chefs, or in reality couldnt afford a proper curry.
A week later he found a shard of plastic in his dreadful facsimile of a vindaloo It had snapped off the edge of the tub they keep their curry in.
Useless min. wage monkeys reheating food for skint students and the dregs of society.
0
It must be horrendous, not having copious amounts of disposable income.
I’d find it quite intolerable. 🙂
6
Copious amounts?
If only!
Sufficient unto the day, dear boy.
3
Actually, Jack, my disposable income ( ahem) isn’t quite as disposable as it used to be, due to rising prices etc, etc.
My income is pretty much fixed, and rises by some magic formula worked out by the DWP and the gits currently managing my private pensions.
So disposable income has become, these last 12 months, a happy memory. It would have helped me come to terms, if Elder hadn’t blagged £1.5k off me, on the grounds that she was struggling, before bragging about her late November trip to Egypt, costing just £1.4k.
I’ll have her. I’ll tell the Berserker. He’ll go fucking nuts.
5
@JP. Neither a lender nor a borrower be…….
1
Quite Jack,
The other day after work I was counting a big bundle of £50 notes that’ll be tax free and a homeless man said
” have you any small change?”
I thought that was really nice of him!
Here I am with a wad of cash and he’s offering me money he can barely afford.
Just shows you doesn’t it?
Salt of the earth.
9
I hope you didn’t offend him by refusing his generous offer 😀
2
Oh jeepers no.
I’ve not been hatched from a egg!
Snatched it off him.
3
If you go into a place where of random cunts are permitted then you can’t expect anything but cunts in close proximity.
The average restaurant believes all customers are cunts so they ain’t going to bother seating obvious cunts away from the more subtle but deadlier stealth cunts
Totally self inflicted and unnecessary exposure to and interaction with cunts is what this is!
3
Subtle but deadlier stealth cunts?
Please colour the picture in, Six.
1
Herd mentality. Whenever i park the flying x trail or soon going kuga i always pick a remote mossy space away from prick drivers and yet when i return there is always somebody next to me. Same as the fucking cinema. Fucking good cunting.
3
There magnets aren’t they, the cunts
2
We’ve got a Kuga Dorset.
Great cars.
Don’t like those parking sensors that overreact,
But barring that no complaints 👍
2
I always turn them there sensors off, and the stop start, much to the wifes annoyance, kuga st line 2.0tdci awd power shift, fucking brilliant car, mnc.
1
It’s because they don’t know how to park in an empty space. The driving instructor never mentioned that, sometimes, there are free, unoccupied by any other vehicle, spaces.
2
When I worked for the Signet Group (H.Samuels, Earnest Jones etc.) back in the early 90s, an Indian colleague of mine had a 2nd job of an evening working in the kitchen of a curry house in Moseley.
He told me how the kitchen staff would sometimes gob in some cunt’s korma who had pissed the waiter off with some racist remarks. Add to that they would flick snot in a tikka masala, or scratch their heads and let the dandruff mix in with the rice!
Never piss off waiters, they’ll get their own back in the most disgusting ways possible!
8
Something I’ve often wondered Techno.
Why the hell would you piss some stranger off who is serving you food??
It’s almost a given that your grub is going to be inevitably abused in some gruesome way or another.
2
Doesn’t surprise me.
I imagine the third world filth do that in their own mum and dad’s food every day.
Still keep bringing them over.
3
Hey Techno –
I don’t think your gupta colleague was being entirely truthful.
Snot, flem and dandruff are an integral part of Indian cooking. Plus goat intestines and elephant poo. Judging by the stench it creates.
Under protest I went to an Indian restaurant once with an old flame. She knew about that slop so she ordered. When whatever she ordered arrived at our table, swear to god, some of it was the colour of those fluorescent yellow highlighter pens. I said something to the effect it looked radioactive and I refused to touch any of it. I did the needful and left shortly thereafter. Never again.
3
I know several people who will, in a practically deserted car park, go out of their way to park next to one of the two or three vehicles in there.
It’s baffling, do they think the car might get lonely, if it’s all by itself?
4
People find security in crowds. Parking your motor next to others gives dimmos a feeling of “communidee”. The truth is the average cunt breaking into cars doesn’t want to nick it, he’s a druggie who is looking to thieve something he can sell for his next hit. There are a lot of things you can do to put the cunt off. Parking next to some other cunt isn’t one of them. Unless, of course, the back seat is piled up with lap tops, i phones and bundles of cash. That’s not very likely though.
3
Yanks do this too, Jeezum.
I always park away from all the other cunts mainly because I don’t want door dings. So my car’s right out there and when I return, some fucking pickup is parked almost on top of it. Idiotic.
At the other end of the spectrum we have Yanks who will literally sit in their vehicles, idling waiting for a parking space to open up that’s nearer to the shop entrance. Perish the thought of parking in any of the dozens and dozens of empty spaces that would require them to actually walk 20 feet further. FFS!
6
You know what they say about yanks though.
Fat cunts.
0