corporate wankers who insist on conducting their business only online

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My partner doesn’t have the internet / smart phone etc (Can’t say I can blame him)

His car insurance is due for renewal, and, given his policy has increased by a whopping £150+ since last year, I said I’d do the comparison sites for him to have a ring round of the cheapest.

Not a fucking chance. Nowhere on these sites is a phone number. They are happy to take your cash but not provide a human who can take your call. I vented my spleen on the dumb chat bot instead, which replied “anything else I can help with with today?” Fucking robotic cunt.

Obviously this leads to a great deal of frustration / time wasting, but my deeper beef with all this bullshit is the bare faced discrimination against a generation who don’t have or don’t wish to have access to the cunting internet.

So much for fucking “inclusion”. Yours if you’re, say, a stabby person with a cock in a frock, or a blue haired vegan rug muncher. But if you’re 60+ and just want a simple straightforward way of doing things, you can sit and swivel. It’s not on.

uswitch

as an example of the many.

Nominated by Fuckwittery.

47 thoughts on “corporate wankers who insist on conducting their business only online”

  1. Spot on FW.

    I liked it when I could go into the bank, with the electric bill I received in the post, give the teller 40 quid and she’d pay it. Job done. Not nowadays, ooohh no. Email bill, most of which get forgotten about, then I am charged for paying late.

    And fck direct debit as well, thriving bastards dubbing in your account all the time

    Modern life sucks

  3. Damn right, I do all my business by phone..

    Indecent calls, threats and intimidation is much better with a personal touch.

    I feel I’m going the extra mile..
    And I hope my victim’s appreciate it.

  4. I like the human touch too. Particularly when it comes to financial matters like banking, savings, borrowing and insurance, I feel much happier being ripped off in person.

  5. TwatWest are doing their best to fuck the old people over. Not only by closing local branches but also a shoddy mobile bank service.

    My mum doesn’t use online banking so until recently relied on a van that came to the town on a set day and time. She also doesn’t drive, and many old people can’t.

    The problem is the van simply doesn’t turn up when it’s supposed to, so she has to arrange a lift from someone to the nearest branch 8 miles away.

    This on top of the recent Farage scandal has made me consider switching.

    • If you are a foreign EU National living in a council house paid for by UK tax payers. By law you have to sell that house. Secondly, they don’t need an income, twat west will accept benefits and the discount as a deposit. All whilst they rake in the interest and have a jolly at the pub on a Friday night, all whilst Doris starves. No wonder Margaret Thatcher hated the wets so much.

    • Ditto for my mum, Natwest account, not a driver or online, and there must be millions of 65+ account holders in the same position, its almost like they do not want their business, most of this generation are savers, good accounts, but they want to talk to a person in a branch not a chat bot or an online system. I think all service providers need to understand this instead of chasing the young who are both penny less and feckless anyway. Give it 15 or 20 years they could go this way but its wrong to do it now. so much for the customer comes first, what a load of bollocks.

  6. Off topic, but did anyone see that Ian Watkins, the Not On Normal Courtyard Exercise singer of the now defunct Lost Prophets has been stabbed in the neck during a hostage situation in HMP Wakefield?

    Apparently, he was battered and shanked before the screws could regain control.

    Sadly paramedics were quick to respond and were seen giving life-saving treatment outside the prison.

    Please note: Ian Watkins the Not On Normal Courtyard Exercise weirdo is not the same Ian ‘H’ Watkins, the poor cunt out of manufactured pop group Steps, Who took a lot of flack for being totally innocent of any wrongdoing in this matter.
    (Innocent. Apart from crimes against music.)

    • The filthy cunt claimed he was out of his head on crystal meth when the incidents occurred. Surprised it’s taken so long to shank the bastard. All this aggro and cost when the scrote could have been hung for a couple hundred quid.

    • I remember that day when Ian H Watkins went into meltdown about that.

      Deadpool anyone?

  7. You can`t get a bucket of water on the interweb either. I still have to walk 300 miles a day just to fill the pot.

  8. Only the money arrives by itself. I continue paying for things in person, just like when eating, drinking, shitting and pissing for my own personal enjoyment.

  9. I got stopped for speeding by the Guardia Civil last month.

    Just over the speed limit but still a 100 euro fine.
    50 euros if you pay within 2 weeks.

    You can pay online, through the DGT app or by queueing up for ages at the fucking bank.

    I have the app and checked it every day.
    No outstanding fine was showing.
    I checked online to make sure.
    Nothing showing.

    I figured that there was some sort of administration error.

    Then the fine turned up on my app for payment.
    The day after I could have paid with a 50% discount.

    The cunts!

    • To be fair artful the Spaniards are a bit busy torturing bulls and donkeys to bother updating speeding tickets..

      Count yourself lucky you weren’t throw out of a bell tower for your misdemeanor.

      • There is an app for everything here Barry.

        With the rush for this technology none of the fucking things work.
        There are even apps that you need to use to access other apps.

        They are badly built, probably by the same Indians that email me every day wanting to build an app for my business.

        It’s unfair.
        It’s not just rural areas that have no Internet access.
        There are some very large urbanizations where there is no Internet of mobile coverage.

        Many times I have been on my way to see a customer when Google Maps drops out.
        I can’t call the customer for final directions.

        I end up driving to an area where I can call them so that they can come out to meet me.

        The people who live in these areas must spend hours queueing up in banks and government offices to see someone in person.

  10. Easier to scam you over the internet. Face-to-face, you might smack them if they try their fast talking shit. Also, face-to-face there is no opportunity for the government to stick its beak in or for Fu Manchu and his feverish yellow brained hordes to check out your business.

  11. I must admit I like comparison sites for insurance, they often have better deals than going direct to the insurer, confused.com, not any more 😂

    Quite funny though, the one I chose (which was about £75 cheaper than my renewal quote) had some sort of glitch when I got to the payment page so ended up giving them a call to process the payment over the phone (but the good news, the call was answered within a minute by a lady who actually spoke English) 😳

    • I had a mare buying contents insurance from Halifax a few years ago. Every time they fucked up they paid me compensation and ended up paying me more than the policy cost. I avoided them at renewal. I figured if they were that spectacularly shit at just setting up a policy and taking the money wtf would they be like in the event of a claim?

  12. These are the same cunts who scratch their heads when they’ve moved all their shitty business online then find North Korean hackers have royally fucked them.

    They’d sell their grandmothers to a paki.

    Oven.

  13. The ‘Contact Us’ page would have kept Sherlock Holmes going for ages.
    A simple phone number would suffice.
    The worse offender is HMRC who do provide a number, but you have a 50% chance of dying waiting for it to be answered, and for some reason have never heard of emails

    • The same with the DWP.
      They were supposed to call me, never did.
      So i rang them, lady said she could not arrange for them to call me back! Crackers

  15. Buying online is pretty bullet proof and ring fenced. You want something you like and have the means to pay, its a done deal.
    Now paying for services on the other hand, like insurance, or internet or tv packages or bin collection via direct debit is a total cunt when one has a query.
    Whats your mothers maiden name? Oh do fk off please

  16. Easy to sign up for anything these days.

    Labour party membership, gender alignment surgery, bbc licence tax.

    Wow I could be suzy izzard and I claim my own euthanasia.

  17. My rural part of Norfolk has very patchy internet, but on the plus side, its less stabby. Mainly bored farmers growing cannabis in remote barns, diversifying their income. It really is like good old England used to be, drunken workers in the few pubs remaining paying over the odds for a pint n ham egg and chips cos of summer tourist cunts.

    (This is the blurb used on my air bnb ad, btw) :-p

    • “…bored farmers growing cannabis in remote barns,…”

      20kVa 3ph genny, 96 light rig, full width scaffolded mezzanine, full height double bale sound proffing, heat reflective mylar’d roof, control panels built, installed, commissioned and handed over a turn key facility … upshot, the daft cunts failed to check the cooland and oil level daily, genny seized! …palm mmets face…

  18. Sign of the times fellow cunters, fewer staff more profit, yum, yum. Wait till AI is fettled and working correctly. Perfect scenario for the companies the only person employed is the owner and all he / she / they / them / it has to do is spend the profits.

    • Yes! Some service company recently pretty much said as such. They’re more expensive as they are currently hiring humans. FFS.

  19. Off topic but a funny thing I did once that still makes me smile is when a “travelling man” came around with flyers advertising drive tarmaccing services or pressure washing block paving, gardening, handyman, etc. and included his mobile number on the back.

    I didn’t answer the door and could see on my ring doorbell that he was most likely a “diddy-man” (not the Ken Dodd variety).

    I entered his number into one of those websites where they spam the number by text message or phone calls. I bet he had steam coming out his ears like Yosemite Sam.

  20. don’t believe the fucking mentality of banking staff they are closing the local Barclays I said to the old tabby how much they are improving the service by shutting branches and sacking staff, “oh no she trilled there are no redundancies we are moving to other branches ” soppy short sighted twat, what she going to do when they shut those ones. I also said they wouldn’t have to publish a book on “scams” if they weren’t putting everything on internet, no answer to that one. Then she said look at the “footfall ” in here it’s so small, no answer when I said its cos you’ve closed all cashier points.
    Fuck em take ur cash out keep it at home you get no interest anyway and they cant question you whenever you want to take more than a fiver in cash out , cos everyone is a thick cunt now and we are all being scammed.

  21. Bastard medical centres and chemists. They expect everyone to order their prescriptions now without actually talking to them. Even though the Covid crisis is over, they are still doing the ‘too busy’ routine. I went in to my local practcie and it was empty. And there was certainly nobody on the phone. Also, do they think every person – including the blind, the elderly and others – do everything with apps and mobiles?

    And don’t start me on cunting medical receptionist Nazis. The ones that ‘decide’ if a patient’s call is worth bothering a Doctor with. As Rick in the Young Ones said, give them a uniform (or a reception area) and they think they are Hitler.

  22. At least most of the bot assistants such as Alexa and Siri recognise and respond to “fuck off” or “bugger off’ now and reply with a sheepish “I am sorry I have done something to displease you”.

  23. I ordered the book “ How to scam people on the Internet” four months ago and it’s still not turned up yet.

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