Like most of us I suspect, during my mis-spent youth I tried very hard to cop off with as many women as possible. I was always particularly gratified when the lady in question seemed to be well endowed in the ‘bustenhalter’ department.
I recall that on a couple of occasions however, I was disappointed to find that I’d been sold a pup (no pun intended); on getting down to brass tacks, the lady’s assets proved to have been enhanced by the wearing of a well padded bra.
Of course the same sex that frequently claims that ‘all men are liars’ has been guilty of this duplicity on blokes for years. But now it seems that in this age of equality, two can play at that game. For not much of an outlay, any geezer feeling a bit lacking in the package area can (yes really) now purchase a purpose made ‘bulge enhancer’ to shove down his y-fronts or swimming trunks.
Now in all honesty, I feel bound to say that any bloke using one of these must be a bit of a sad cunt who really lacks self-confidence, particularly if you’re trying to impress the ladies (and why else would you buy one?). If you’re successful in your pursuit, she’ll finally find out the truth, and probably be disappointed and a bit pissed off, as I was. Ultimately, you’re only fooling yourself. Bulge enhancers really aren’t for the birds.
Nominated by Ron Knee.
Perhaps wimmin could invent a fanny narrower instead?
Or a clit enhancer? I’ve seen porn where birds have suspiciously large clits.
Come to think of it, how big would a clit have to be for it to start to resemble a dinky little bell end and would you then be a bit homo if you sucked it?
12
I once knew a lady who had an enormous clit. She was incredibly horny. Can’t think why.
13
Laurence of a labia was something that comes to mind. I thing there was a finger buffet half way through the showing.
6
Fantastic pun!
6
Indeed Ron, that was Bertie-esq wordplay.
4
A mate of mine calls it a ‘glit’
He’s forty. Don’t know why he can’t get it into his head it is called a clit.
I may have embarrassed us both both in a pub once after seven pints of Stowford Press.
‘A clit, mate. it’s called a ‘clit’!
1
A long time student friend (fifty years) refers to hers as ‘my little love bud’.
6
shirtlifters will love this device and have great PRIDE in reading books about genital stimulation to kids at the age of 5. However, the religion of peace will hopefully chuck them all off roofs. Alan’s Snackbar be praised.
8
Ah yes….the modern phenomena of the insatiable attention seeker. Surely this is counter productive…….guaranteed disappointment and you are opening yourself up for merciless piss taking.
I suspect these things are aimed at our bent friends rather than normal people.
12
I will admit I would buy one if I were younger and on the chase.
Women give all in front of their friends that they like sensitive, caring men, who are in tune with their feminine side and are inclusive and diverse, when in fact all they want is fat cock to nosh on.
I’d like to do a little experiment to see if the quality of woman I pull is better with or without enhancer.
8
Mmm…
That’s an interesting notion CM.
2
The only blokes who have an excuse to wear budgie smugglers to the beach are blokes who are packing. Any bloke who isn’t, should just wear loose-fitting swimming shorts… separate the men from the boys as it were… problem solved.
4
Watch out, Kevin Spacey is about he likes a bit of touchy feely. Imagine his face when he thinks he’s getting a king kong hot dog but ends up with a weiner.
6
All you need is a batsman’s box. Batters box is for those battling for the other side. Its not cricket otherwise.
3
Would that be a botter’s box, SS?
2
Don’t know Thomas. You’ll have to ask the women. Its they who decide things these days.
2
Stick one of these down your wakkas if you really want to impress:
https://www.joke.co.uk/products/inflatable-king-dong-penis-stag-costume
2
Is it just for show or a cry for help 😂
I remember seeing some twat (Greek) in Crete wearing the high waisted budgies, he had his cock at high mast but constantly stoking it to keep the semi, I am sure it impressed the ladies 😂
4
Sounds like a dangerous game he was playing.
Semi maintenance can easily turn into a full on bonk on. Not advisable in public. The purple headed warrior can end up popping out of the top of the trunks, at which point inhibitions are lost and impulses are acted upon, resulting in a drooling loon trying to bundle bikini clad hot ladies into the boot of his car.
However, if it was a Greek chap, your biggest danger might be the spiked Ouzo he gives you, just before Stephen Porting your arsehole to fuck.
10
You appear to be suspiciously well informed on the subject.
8
Got the Ted Bundy sling and everything Moggy.
4
Come to think of it, I can’t imagine anything worse than being raped off Demis Roussos.
1
@CB…being raped by Rocco Sifredi?
3
Lol
1
He was a total cunt, long curly perm (it was in the 80’s) couldn’t be more obvious if he tried, pound shop peacock 😂
2
Demis was 68 when he died.
Stones.
3
It would be the perfect addition for the cunt that has the hairpiece and hollywood teeth – or hangs around school yards.
Probably also have a Rolf Harris Limited Edition.
1
Never needed one I just sit quietly in the corner liking my eye brows
2
Or should I say licking
3
What sort of cunt uses one of these things? It’s as bad as wearing a wig.
5
I heard some women smear their fanny juice on their faces to attract blokes.
I wonder if the same works for me?
Mr Cunt Engine could try it on his next date, perhaps? Just pour a glass of your own spunk on you face and see how you get on?
5
‘for men’ not ‘for me’.
If I could produce my own fanny juice, I’d consume little else.
5
A friend of mine once told me he’d bought one of those pheromone
sprays to try and enhance his ability with the fair sex.
When I saw him some time later I asked him if he’d had any luck with it.
‘Nah’ came the disgruntled reply. ‘Fucking useless’.
6
A glass? Give me six months and some decent porn (PornHub is shite).
2
Related but not directly as I was skimming SkyCunt and Ali Beebie; usual trite about climate change as the UK had another record smashing month.
Reading one article in particular then changed to climate change around the world and how our poor african brothers and sisters are feeling it much, much worse than we are with drought followed by famine and we should be doing more.
No, actually we should not, it’s a dying cause and there are much more important things to worry about.
This link explains my point – look at the hotspots. The data contained here shows that the poorest countries in the world have higher birth rates.
If the poor countries want our help they need to learn to help themselves first by stop fucking opening their legs and having 8 kids when you can’t feed the other two that you have.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_sovereign_states_and_dependent_territories_by_birth_rate
11
Live Aid helped Cunt geldof get extremely well off.
2
Climate change is less relevant to human survival than bulge enhancers.
0
My suspicion is that this rather bizarre set of undergarments is designed for those infected by The Gayness.
Normal gentlemen can proceed quite unconcerned by this latest disgrace.
10
The type of enfeebled cunt who’d purchase this device may only have a dick that’s only three inches long, but I’m quite sure it will smell like it’s a foot.
9
Be OK as long as not worn back to front
5
They should be banned by the Advertising Standards Authorities.
The type of man that would wear these things will be gay or desperately out of touch with what women find attractive.
Mrs Cunter, in common with most women I suspect, is attracted to a handsome face, good hair and teeth, a flat stomach and a well shaped arse.
She also has a thing about nice, clean shoes.
The fact that I have a huge cock which she affectionately refers to as her kidney proder is not that important to her.
8
Imagine the shame of needing a bulge enhancer?!!
Oh my.
Luckily I’m blessed in the trouser crocodilian department,
I have to have special strengthened undercrackers and pubic liability insurance in case my stupendous manhood breaks free of its containment ,
And with a meaty
THWAk!!💥
Like a gorillas forearm clutching a tennis ball hits someone elderly dislocating their neck.
Or god forbid hits a child and crushes his still forming skull.
Bulge enhancers are for maggot dicks.
And London types.
13
Oh PPS.
I also have to be registered for dangerously high levels of testosterone,
I’m classed as hazardous material.
If women sit on my lap they’re instantly pregnant.
I’m classified as A+ Fertility symbol.
And vegan men get dizzy and are sick if stood within a 20ft circumference.
So there.
6
Is that why you are banned from Stockport Pride Miserable? Some of the lezzas just couldn’t trust themselves around you?
2
Partly LL, partly.
No, the LGBT alliance took legal action against me.
I have to stay a 5mile distance from any Pride event.
Why?
I turn them straight.
Even the most militant short haired dungaree wearing fish supper will turn into a giggling flirting girlie girl when exposed to my machismo.
Knitting baby booty’s and start growing their hair.
Same with gayboys.
At first they’re consumed with lust.
” Oooo can I stroke your lush beard Ducky?”
Then the testosterone in the air penetrates their perfumed skin.
They start to swagger
Start arm wrestling
Drinking bitter instead of fruit cocktails.
Start getting stubble and looking at a pair of tits with lust.
I’m surprised some government scientist hasn’t approached me?
Take cell samples,
Create a vaccine for gayness.
7
I had no idea Miserable.
Does it work on celebrities? Maybe Clare Balding and Sandi Toksvig?
We need more straight white men on TV.
3
Put Tokvig and Baldy in a room with me for 10 minutes.
Cured.
Clare’s chin would round out ,
Lose the squarishness.
She’d grow her hair.
Start wearing mini skirts and make up.
Toksvig might need 30 minutes on reflection.
But she’d start shaving ,
Stop wearing men’s trousers and put on a frock.
Start eating beefburgers instead of fishcakes.
6
Looks a bit like Linford Christie’s “Lunchbox” to me! Well we all know where that one went. “Everyone else is a cheat, except me!” Sob! He should have been stripped of all his medals, & banned for life, the cunt!
5
When I tell people “I have a massive one, all angry-looking, purple and veiny, they say “don’t lie, your dick doesn’t look like that.”
“I wasn’t referring to my dick,” I retort, “I meant my bumhole.”
8
Yeah, TtCE.
Piles are the Devil’s work.
2
Evening JP. You really ought not be attending pool parties at Michael Barrymore’s gaff.
3
Bloody Nora.
Imagine being gay and having Farmers like a bunch of grapes.
Evening gents.
6
Only a total cunt would strut around like Henry 8.
OK till a tart puts her hand down and pisses herself laughing.
2
Indeed, Harry.
I showed this to Elder. After she’d stopped laughing, she said
” no woman’s going to be fooled by that, it’s too smooth”
1
Think of the shame when the truth comes out (if you’ll pardon the expression)
4
I don’t think sock sales will be plummeting.
2
or Jumbo saveloys
0
The only thing you wankers have pulled is the ring on a can of wifebeater.
4
I’ve often thought about bringing out a DIY book for shy and socially awkward types.
How to get your winky wet.
Even though most of you are pug ugly and blush if a woman talks to you,
It doesn’t matter.
You can still get a woman into bed.
Even if you stutter.
” Dddddo you wwwannaaa d d d ance?
Even though you smell of slightly off cheese and mildew.
Just need a knife.
3
A knife?
You might have hit the nail on the head there MNC. Are you suggesting that I threaten women with a knife to get them into bed? An interesting strategy, albeit just a tad sinister.
Once I’d negotiated the lady into bed, I could play her this romantic ballad by playful scampsters Cannibal Corpse:
https://youtu.be/Kd57B1o3dkc
1
Thomas@
It worked for Sid vicious
It worked for Jack the Ripper.
An Tarzan.
Don’t see why it wouldn’t work for anyone else.
1
And knives are fashionable Thomas.
All young roister doisters have them.
The London look.
3
In my experience, growly metal makes women laugh in the same way they might laugh at the subject of this nom.
0
Did you know that “trans men” ( birds pretending to be blokes) can buy what I can only describe as “piss pants”.
These are sturdy looking plastic pants with a flexible hose sticking out the front. This is so these freaks can take a piss in the gents. So if you see a cunt with a green cock in Wetherspoon’s bogs you know what you are looking at.
You’d think they would make them a sort of pinky white colour but I suppose somebody would pull the race card and start crying. You know what the wokies are like……ever the fucking victim.
4
Ffs
https://www.etsy.com/uk/market/stand_to_pee_ftm
Have any of you lot been taking a leak in the gent’s and realised that you’re standing next to a woman?
3
Apparently SheWee and Tinkle Belle products are popular amongst the mutants.
0
No Ron, but I try to avoid being accused of looking at some bloke’s cock in the bogs. That’s why you look upwards and whistle when you have to stand next to some cunt. It’s one of the unwritten rules of behaviour in public toilets.
However it wouldn’t surprise me these days if some degenerate cunt started waving it about and insisting you suck on it. In such circumstances it’s all about flight or fight. I’ll let you know when it happens.
2
I stare.
Gives you elbow room.
Try it.
Stare and giggle.
3
Reminds me of the joke about the beach lothario that gets asked how he pulls all the lasses. He hands the fella a couple of potatoes and tells him to stick them in his trunks. Next week he sees him and asks him how he got on..thefella told him what he did and said all the lasses ran away when he walked past. I’m not surprised he says, you were meant to stuff them down the front.
4
Oh FFS. I clicked on the link and my family share an Amazon account to buy stuff on. Now when my old man orders some fucking Taylor’s of Harrogate that shit is going to come up. This one is going to take some explaining.
1
Thats funny as fuck.
1
You’re right. It’s a very amusing comment.
Nice one Clown!
1
This must go down with the chocolate fireguard and ejector seat in a tube train for sheer pointlessness.
I hope the bright sparks who buy these realise they will have to remove it at some point, and if you’re any sort of man you’ll have a semi long before a reveal, even if you’re a grower rather than a shower.
One for the clueless zoomer /Incel crowd who haven’t kissed a girl/touched a tit by twenty.
0