A nomination for rubbish ‘life hack/how to’ videos.
I used to see these on Facebook and still see them on Youtube.
You’ve probably seen them; they usually have a title or caption in pidgin English; New techniqe take Construcion industries by storm’, or Recipe saves you time. You will eat this every day!’ and it’s always the same 5 ingredients: mince/ground berf, onion, potato, cheese, bacon. Nothing green then, cunts?
For the construction ones its usually dangerous, or nothing a machine you could hire could achieve in a quarter of the time, saving you paying some time-wasting wallah over just the space of a week, or something for which tools have excited for centuries. a guy carrying a bucket on his head on a ladder.
Ever heard of a hod, son?
They’re the sort of video only ever shared by the most basic of cunts without any common sense or practical skills and who live in squalor.
‘This is cool *gurgle*’
No it’s dogshit, you thick cunt. McDonslds uses more variation than that pile of shit and the bloke doing that on a building site or his own home will end up burning the skin from his hands/hurting his neck/twisting ankle/ electricuted/with lung problems/poisoned/blind/braking his fingers.
The trouble is they wouldnt know this because they don’t have the capability to do anything beyond talking on the phone or tapping on a keyboard, the fucking slugs.
Life hack? Start by Licking that window clean, you cunt.
Nominated by Cuntamus Prime link provided by Jeezum Priest.
In the case of construction hacks, this is the consequence of smart phones being available to the likes of M’Tembe and his business partner Oogadooda.
They will show us their ‘traditional African method’ for casting paving slabs using a quality mix of faeces, yak’s piss, some stones and dead llama fur to provide some fibre reinforcement.
Good cunting.
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Sorry, forgot to add ‘for a new extension at their Forest Gate home’.
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There is also a “hack” video showing the traditional Arabic method of piloting a rubber dinghy that I understand has recently been translated into Albanian.
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I stripped and fixed our Dyson hoover after watching some video on Google.
And a mate just fixed his central locking on his estate car by watching a how to video.
I’m all for them if they help Joe Public save a few quid.
Wouldn’t attempt one that’s potentially costly or hazardous though.
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I don’t watch any construction or cooking ones, but I must admit Ill, i’ve had to YouTube a couple of bits before when I’ve been having some confusion replacing or doing a minor repair to the motor. Better than causing more damage or not quite doing it right. The Mrs watches the cooking ones on Facebook a bit but fortunately usually turns her nose up at them.
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The people who watch these videos normally turn up on site with their tools in a tesco bag.
Usually 240v on a 110v job.
I once watched one cunt swopping the plugs..
And the term hack makes me come over all hutu..
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And then pull a set of Parkside power tools fresh from Lidl straight out of said bag.
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Don’t laugh, they have their uses.
I’ve been restocking on 110v and other gear from Industrial auctions and it would amaze you the number of Parkside stuff and the Aldi equivalents – Ferrex & Workzone – that show up quite regularly in their hand tools, 240v and cordless equipment listings.
I once worked at a location where any unguarded Makita or Dewalt gear grew legs and walked (usually to the nearest branch of ‘Smack Generator’ or to show up on Gumtree within the week). It got so bad, 4 brand new Dewalt drills going one day, a Makita 110v breaker the next, I bought myself a shitty looking (but serviceable) Mac Allister SDS cordless and a Site cordless drill for the princely sum of £5 to use there – I could leave them on-site overnight, did so, 9 years later and I’ve still got the buggers (though the battery packs are now mostly fucked…)
If I was still in that game, I’d be tempted to use the Parkside cordless stuff the same way at sites I don’t trust.
3
I wouldn’t, I tried to use a Parkside sander at home and the thing fucking burnt out after a few hours. I learnt my lesson that day. There’s an old saying “buy cheap, buy twice” and it’s true. I bought Hilti drills, grinders and saws in 2012 all cordless and the batteries are still good despite 11 years of near daily use.
All the gear I use for work is taken into my house every night these days. I’ve had all my gear nicked twice and cost me over 3 grand to replace it both times, I won’t leave anything on site or in the van at all.
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Is there a video out there called “How not to be a stupid thick cunt”? It is sorely needed, trust me. It would have to be short and to the point as the average cunt in this country has the attention span of a sparrow’s fart.
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Not a “hack”, but a term that’s really making me want to heave everytime I see/hear it.
“Glow up”
Seems to have replaced makeover.
Also, the word “hack” makes me think about Dexter coughing up a furball.
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So that’s what “Glow up” means! Thanks JP. Learn something every day on ISAC. Some of the American videos I’ve learned to translate for instance; “pry” means prise and “tear down” means dismantle.
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‘Life hack’ and ‘glow up’ are in my glossary of stupid internet slang, along with ;
‘Hot takes’
‘Throw shade’
‘Living my best life’
‘Bae’
‘Chads’
The scourge of ‘Doggo lingo’, such as
‘fat boi’, ‘floofers’ etc.
in the 90s/00s it was Valley-speak and then Whedonisms from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, now it’s this load of rancid yankee wank.
No wonder 16-24 year-olds in the UK and US are barely literate.
‘
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I used to like those ones they printed in Viz, along the lines of
A mixture of human hair, carrot peelings and congealed fat makes an excellent makeshift plug for any sink.
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They were brilliant, LG.
Like, If you curl out a really smelly one in the hosts guest bathroom, light a match, and set fire to the hand towel!
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Yes I remember the one that told you to drill a hole in the fridge door to make sure the light rent out when closed.
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Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.
So many top tips!
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Put toothpaste on shaving cuts…
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They were great. I remember one along the lines of – “suspend old cereal boxes from the ceiling to remind you not to bump your head”.
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The crappy newspapers online also like to drag you in to these videos with headlines starting with ‘Everyone is talking about…’ and “people are just realising…”.
An example would be “people are just realising what this button is for in your car “.
Turns out it’s the aircon button. And it keeps the interior of the car cool. Ffs.
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I’ve watched a few of these and most are a pile of cunt, but I did see an interesting one about opening a can when you have no can opener.
Only problem is, you need a paving slab to do it. A fat lot of good when you’re camping in the highlands, or out at sea.
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I always take a paving slab along when I’m camping in the Highlands.
Which is fucking never.
6
Hiring tools for building work is the way to go. This week I’m repairing and painting the fascias and soffits so I’ve hired a cherry picker. It makes the job so easy compared to working off a ladder, safer and more efficient although folks sometimes fall off them or tip them over. Not recommended.
The videos showing how to fix things I find most useful in that you get to see the inside of the device before you start. I commonly find that having extracted that information I can do the job in a more efficient manner than shown in the video. Some advice given though can be bloody dangerous. I saw one where a guy showed you how to fix that annoying squeak from the brakes on your car by removing the wheels and squirting WD40 liberally into the calipers. That’s the only one where I left a comment i.e. please don’t fucking do this.
As for the culinary videos, I leave that to the expert. If I don’t predecease her I’ll probably go down with a vitamin defficiency.
4
search on you tube for ‘angle grinder’ hacks……..fuck me they are deadly. Hope some dappy cunt demoing them kills themselves.
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It’s not just the hacks, just look at how they use angle grinders on a lot of YT videos…no guard (or badly positioned guard), no side handle, using a 7″ angle grinder on a Dremel job, no face protection…scary fucking shit.
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A quick glance on YouTube reveals some very useful “how to” videos, such as –
How to become a mermaid
How to fart like a dad
How to defeat the King of Demons
How to eat ramen
How to draw a red panda
How to blow up a pipeline
How to make a toothbrush from bamboo
How to beat Pooh and Piglet
How to fart quietly (in 4 steps)
How to burp like a pro.
How to puke in 5 easy steps.
How to cheat on a test.
How not to be racist.
How lucky we are to have on tap all the accumulated wisdom of the early 21st century to help us lead better and more useful lives.
Truly we are a blessed.
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“How to blow up a pipeline”. Were there lots of likes from the Ukrainian government?
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How to blow up a dam?
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I farted in Tesco yesterday, after about 3 pints of Imperial Stout. I nearly gassed myself, and am sure the offending cloud was visible. It was just that sort of day.
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Back in the day ‘life hacks’ were called ‘top tips’ and these were books. Nothings changed.
Except nowadays instead of the written word, you get annoying youtube cunts.
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My favourite top tip from Viz was
Save your child if they happen to be choking on an ice cube by pouring boiling water down their throat .
😂
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My favourite (letter) was:
How come Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr Dre can use the ‘n’ word at concerts, yet when I used it at my son’s football game, I was escorted from the grounds.
Just the mental image of a grown man shouting “nıgger!” at a small black boy is terribly hilarious!
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Two of the planning permission notices from Viz;
Planning application submitted for Monster Truck and Foghorn test facility, adjacent to convalescent home for the nervous.
and;
Planning sought for Maggot farm in flat above delicatessen. Building only has entrance so blood and maggots will need to be transported through shop to staircase.
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After watching a YouTube video the other day, I re-pressurized my boiler (not a euphemism). I`m now a qualified plumber and can charge £500 per hour just for turning up.
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Turning up? Now there’s a novel idea.
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Good old viz, still funny now and i get it on prescription. Some of these hack videos are useful, like how to wind back electronic brake calipers without going to a main stealer. Sam costas handy hints, whatta guy.
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A Viz classic, was how to save on having a fitted carpet. You place sample squares on each foot, making it feel you have shagpile throughout.
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I actually remember that one.
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This nom reminds me of all those annoying ‘you’re doing it wrong’ articles and clips that appear in the press and on Ytube.
These can be anything from how you’re cooking roast spuds wrong to how you’re cleaning your teeth wrong.
It took the biscuit when I saw one the other day saying that I’ve been pissing and having a shite wrong ffs.
Afternoon all.
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It’s those cunts who set up fake restoration, or animal rescue video that boil my piss.
One cunt in SE Asia (were most of this type of shite originates), was supergluing barnacles to freshwater turtles, then ‘rescuing’ the hapless beasts out of the sea, and would proceeding to chisel off the barnacles.
Fucking savages.
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I read one today ‘How to get that bleached wood look without bleach’.
Put up with ads and what felt like an introduction the length of War and Peace only to finally find out the bint took the veneer off the piece. Useless!
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How to piss kitty off…
Put it in box, with radioactive material (easily available from Haigerloch Ironmongery), some poison (ditto, and we MUST support the Austrian poison industry…). Any volunteers for letting the cat out of the box?
Yours faithfully,
Herr Dr. Schrodinger.
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