Glastonbury (3)

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It’s getting closer to that time of year again, when the sun shines on the fields of Worthy farm, awaiting the deluge of dickheads called Toby and Cressida who’ve paid £300 each to sit in a field listening to shite they can hear anywhere.

it must be Spastonbury!
…Glastonbury!

This year’s tossers include Fat Reg, Rick Astley, Lizzo, Lil Nas, Lewis Fat cunt Capsldi, dreary bint Lana del Rey (hwaah-hwaaah-hwaaah), Carly ‘Call me maybe’ Jepsen, Zoe Ball’s house husband and a range of other cunts.

I’m sure the BBC will send far too many cunts to cover this celebration of musical mediocrity just for a jolly up at the expense of pensioners and those struggling to keep lights on while they guffaw and bray over champers and lines of marching powder.

Fuck the climate, keep the generator for the chiller going!

I’m sure they’ve never seen so many white monied and gormless faces in one place.
‘Like, ohh my Goorrrd! I HACTUALLY saw the Arctic Monkeys fifteen years after their peak!’

Surely the greedy Eavises are treating it as a cunt test now?
£ 300 for Rick Astley and fat fucks Capaldi and Lizzo?
‘Let’s see just how many mugs we can catch this year, Emily!’
‘Doesn’t look like much of a Cost of living crisis for this bunch of suckers, does it daddy?’

It would cost three times that to pay me to go, not including lost earnings, petrol and the vast quantities of medicinal alcohol needed to put up with the insufferable chuntering of the clueless , mouth-breathing media graduate fucktards surrounding me making vlogs and being seen.
Suddenly, one of the brighter ones has an epiphany;
‘yaah, why can’t we just, like, get rid of like all the weapons?’
You’d be the first in the bin, Tristan.

Shut it down and lock the gate so the pig doesn’t get out.

Glastonbury

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime.

Hope you cunters will forgive me? I was going to use a picture of some bearded hippies in the mud, but on reflection much preferred the one I eventually chose. C.A.

A little bit more on this subject from Jezzum Preist below.

A warning is out for all the Clarisas and Juliens.

No wellies needed this year.
But do drink plenty of water, heaven forbid that any of you pretentious, overpriveliged, under educated chimps should get dehydrated, resulting in you becoming even more brain dead than you already are.

I wonder how many times the emergency services are going to have to attend this year’s yahyah fest?

While your Gran lies on a cold floor with a broken hip.

117 thoughts on “Glastonbury (3)”

  1. I’d go just to see Zeena the Warrior Princess in the nom photograph.

    Otherwise, a gathering of cunts, for cunts in order to see cunts.

    Anyway, there are too many whites there, as David Lammy sagely pointed out.

    Oh, Jeremy Corbyn.

  2. I’m sorry, I know it’s early in the morning, but that bird in the photo looks like a trannie to me. It’s hard to tell these days…..or maybe I’m just losing it!

      • Coward 😂

        I’m going in…..

        At arms length.

        Get ready to leg it.

        If it’s a wench, you get sloppy seconds 😁

    • What the fuck is this world coming to when a virile, red blooded Englishman eyes a bird and wonders if it’s a bloke?

    • I’ll stick my neck out and say the lass has a pair of childbearing hips on her. A thing pretend males can’t get away with.

      To the main thing at hand, I think farmer Michael Eavis the organiser needs an arse kicking for disturbing the peace, besides the lazy cunt having his fields turned over for free.

      • That was the way I differentiated between them too Sam.
        I’m told sickos now have hip implants to try and fool us.

      • I also think the port a loos provided, should have a device fitted that sends them hurtling into space on the first yank of the chain.

      • There is no point polluting space any further. I suggest instead a chute which opens up hurtling the cunts towards the earth’s core where they can boiled alive in molten magma.

      • The daughter Emily runs it now, hence the fucking awful box-ticking set lists of recent years.

  3. A middle class tossers wankfest.

    This year I’m hoping for a biblical flood and a serious outbreak of Ebola.

  4. No doubt, at the end of this corporate cunt fest. The right on, environmentally aware air heads will leave a mountain of tents, plastic and other assorted rubbish for the minimum wage drones to clear up.
    Get To Fuck.

    • That’s a given, Jack.

      Some charity, Amnesty International or similar, go every year to collect the tents, sleeping bags etc, ready for the next flood/earthquake /volcanic eruption or whatever.

    • I went once, smashed out my face. I knew it was getting too much when I saw pubic lice in the eyebrows of the slut I was shagging.

  5. Perhaps a tactical nuclear device?

    As Goldfinger said; “…small but particularly dirty.”

    Small enough for the damage to be contained locally but dirty enough to discourage anyone who didn’t get microwaved this year from attending in the future.

    • Perhaps lend us one of your MOABs, General, although the UK might struggle to get it airborne with our pathetic inventory.
      If we had them the MoD would probably suggest lads push it out of the back of a chinook, taking out the chinook as well.

  6. It’s not exactly Woodstock is it? Instead of Jimi Hendrix finishing the show you’ve got Fat Reg, the world’s most famous and obnoxious pooftah. Still, the BBC fucking love it…..all those middle class fake revolutionaries having a good time at the taxpayers expense.
    Marvellous!

  7. That ancient cunt Michael Eavis looks like his head has been fitted upside-down.

    What on earth are Sparks thinking, attending this old, corporate shite-fest?

  8. I’d go if Emma Thompson was flamethrowered live on stage, by an Arthur Brown lookalike. 🔥🔥🔥🔥
    Good morning.

    • Hahaha. That gave the first chuckle of the day Jack.

      Emma Thompson is scared of cake. Say’s we’re a rainy island full of the stuff. I just wonder why she came back from Italy? Was Berlusconi trying to Bunga-bunga her arse?

  9. Guns and Roses won’t turn up, Alex Turner has laryngitis. Fat reg will probably throw a tantrum and storm off.

    Hears hoping it pisses down..and everyone gets acute food poisoning.

    • Lizzo and her quaking ntourage will be there to put everyone off their hot dogs.

      Sorry, quail egg and caviar blinis

  10. Hi Esme, big sis Phoebe here, hope you get this message.
    Have Wupert and you gawt your Glesto tickets? Do hope so.
    Wobin and I were wunning a bit short of the old wonga this month, so hed to esk daddy fow a twust fund top up . I explained that Glesto is an ebsolute must, but we hed a right old barney when he said Elton is a washed-up fat old pooftah and a founding member of the Wectal Pwolapse Society. Daddy is a fwightful bigot and needs to get educated, doesn’t he?
    Enyway we made up an hour later when I came out of my safe space and he twansferred another five big ones to my eccount. Oh yes, and mummy’s letting us bowwow her Merc to get thah.
    Our fwends Wosamund and Wapunzel fwom Just Stawp Oil are going, and Wos’s daddy’s letting her bowwow his Wange Wover. Obvs they won’t be diswupting Glesto as it’s all about saving the plenet and Mr Eavis gives all the moolah to Gweenpeace and Auxfem, which is awsome because you know Vewity, my pony club fwend, well her daddy’s something high up in Auxfem and he got her the jawb. So Vewity and her boyfwend Woger will be thah, he’s just qualified as a dawktah and thought he would be busy, but luckily he’s on stwike so he can go too.
    So see you by the entrance to the healing fields as usual, and don’t forget the marching powder this time. Wobin and I can’t wait to hear Guns ‘N Woses.
    Toodle pip.

  11. Yesterday I watched the Politics Live programme on BBC2. Yes I know, sad bastard but bear with me. Usual line up of MPs and a random outsider who in this instance was an American named Frank Lutz. It was striking that the MPs from the three parties were all peddling the usual weary bollocks and this man Frank Lutz repeatedly came out with a response that was from the point of view that would be held by normal people. Barry Gardiner was particularly discomforted that his usual waffle was destroyed so casually.

    Anyway, the subject of Glastonbury was raised. Apparently in past years there was a facility on site for testing the street drugs that have been bought there! I’m not kidding! Now the people who do the testing have to be licensed by the Home Office and this year due to bumbling bureaucracy and inefficiency the licensing hasn’t happened. Layla Moran in particular laid into the Tory government for their dereliction of duty, talking out of her arse as usual and actually using that tired cliche “safe spaces”. To my delight I must admit, Frank Lutz asked; “Why is it the Governments job to look after these idiots? Did their parents not teach them anything?”

    • Layla Moran and that creep little shit Gardiner on the same programme? The BBC love ineffectual lickspittle cunts on their programmes.

    • That’s no surprise.

      By next week arfur we will be subsidizing peoples mortgages.
      It’s the government’s fault you overstretched yourself.

    • I watched this, Gardiner really saw his arse with Lutz when he indicated that social housing allocation under labour would be influenced by voting patterns, ie the more likely you are to vote for starmer the more deserving you are for social housing.
      Lutz made him look like a right numpty..

    • If I went to have my drugs tested and they were dodgy I would immediately go to my dealer and demand a refund.

  12. Glastonbury where raddled old cunts like Elton John oil their trusses and jiggle about in front of an audience of old poofters, and where young “up and coming” whores who think they can sing, open their legs for record producers. Then you have the likes of flash in the pan politicians like Corbyn. And Greta Thunberg, though she is probably too old for the kiddy fiddlers these days.

    Glastobury where they know how to mkae good music – they know, but they just haven’t got the talent, or interest.

  13. All I wish on this pile of utter wank is a biblical outbreak of whooping cough, diarrhoea and piles.

  14. The BBC adore this shite because it’s full of their sole target audience, university students.
    Everyone at the beeb, from the toilet cleaner upwards, has been to university so it’s the only world they identify with.
    Hence the total lack of self awareness and the reek of hypocrisy.
    Lecturing on saving the planet over the hum of diesel generators.
    Fawning over a fat, washed up pianist who is also one of the greediest people in one of the worlds most avaricious businesses.
    And don’t forget, working class vermin. The rich are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer, the planets dying and it’s all your fault.

    • Not enough ethnics for the BBC, as professor lenworth pointed out a few years ago..

      “Fucking racists “

      • That’s where the hypocrisy kicks in.
        Mind you, I suppose there’s enough dark keys on stage to counter balance that.

      • Especially if you’re talking total bodyweight. Lizzo and her herd of ‘thicc’ backing dancers vs the ghostly vegans in the crowd.

  15. Hopefully there will be storms of biblical proportions this year. The hypocritical communist ecofascist Eavis and the farm will disappear into a sea of mud.
    Cunts, sick of hearing about it, bet the BB fucking C won’t show the mountains of plastic rubbish, or work out the carbon footprint.

    • Now now, Harry. They will show a couple of benders, and you HAVE to celebrate their bravery.

  16. Of course a cultured young gent like myself has been.
    Few times in late 80s, early 90s.
    No cunt had heard of it in Stockport!

    Hitchhiked there( an back) never paid.
    Jibbed over the wall.

    Nowadays all young people know it,
    Costs few hundred quid
    Full of minor celebs,
    Hooray Henry’s,
    And ‘ influencers”.

    Back then , it was something a bit different.
    Food was shite,
    All veggie muck.
    But the cider was scrumpy and you saw some hippy girls with their tits out.👍

    Far Out maaaan..

  17. A few years back i went to the IOW festival. The last time i went was in 1970 and what a show that was compared to the utter talentless cunts that perform there now.

    • I think it was educational.
      None of the posh dreadlocked hippies could understand my accent,
      Meaning I could insult them and take the piss mercilessly.

      I also learnt to despise hippies and all they stood for.

      Don’t think they knew what to make of some little Northern scallies?
      Probably assumed we were members of the Fall or something?

      Anyway, it was ok.
      I had my fun.
      And that’s all that matters.

  18. Why has my post been modded Admin? Spent ages on it, and very careful not to use any trigger words too.
    Frustrating.

  19. A few years ago I was on a train heading back north. Also on it were a number of soft fuckers who’d been to that year’s Glastonbury They were enthusiastically boasting and exchanging accounts of their various experiences, proudly covered in shite, wearing filthy wellies and hauling backpacks so vile that I’d refuse to shit in one for fear of catching something incurable. Not to worry, not much further to go to mummy and daddy, a shower room, a full fridge, at least two cars and their own plush bedrooms.
    My thoughts went back almost a century to the countless thousands of young men who must have made similar train journeys back home from the horrors of the trenches in WWI, my respected and never to be forgotten grandfather, Harry, amongst them. Despite the unspeakable conditions in the trenches, those young men cleaned themselves up and sorted their kit before travelling. They didn’t have to boast about what they’d experienced, it was etched into their prematurely aged faces as they journeyed home to a two up, two down, tin bath, outside lavatoried and gas-lit Lancashire terrace. Proper men, not like today’s Glastonwankers.

    • Excellent post, Isabel. The best place for it would be the Glastonbury website homepage.

    • A fine comment for this fine morning and one which stirs my own feelings of utter contempt which I have for these specific types of wanker.

      From Glastonbury then on to a “Just Stop Oil” protest no doubt or maybe a “Refugees Welcome” demo.

      Detached from reality cunts.

    • Fucking right, IE.
      Except that, in those days, the train would probably have arrived at its destination on time without some bone-idle striking ASLEF pricks spoiling everyone’s journey.
      Any they’d have had proper carriages with six tartan-pattern seats, a sliding door into the corridor and no darkıes stinking up the place.

    • Most commendable post ,and by stark contrast an opposing view is most enlightening to see that people’s lives mean more (those who contributed to society in one meaningful way or another anyway.

  20. Glastonbury

    “I’ve never seen so many white people in one place”

    Or was that something else. 🤔

  21. I guarantee that most of the cunts going are lazy moaners who have a sense of entitlement, well being, woke and ‘hard up’ but able to fork out ridics amount of money to attend and when their not sniffing snow white will be drinking soy frappe lattes in morning.

    I’m excited to watch the ultimate mincer, Elton’s new show – NOT!

  22. I digress,
    Is it fair to say, if the missing sub is found, the young boy might have a tale or two to tell, whilst gingerly finding a comfortable place to sit.

  23. Apparently lots of twats turn up in the town, not realising it happens in the fields nearby.
    Same people who need ‘Do not drink’ printing on bleach bottles.

    • The glastowankers are exactly the sort of cunt who travel around the world and yet get lost in their own country. I remember that advert with the millennial cunts looking for a festival.
      ‘Uh, there’s, like, a tree?’
      I thought, yeah that sums those fuckers up nicely’.

  24. Not a patch on Woodstock in the early 70s. Over 1 billion people went to that and there was only 1 toilet. And that was broken.

  25. If I wanted to shit in a fly ridden bucket, sleep in a make shift tent, walk about in mud, shit and litter and have a piss in a field, I’d just move to Pitsmoor, Sheffield thank you very much.

  27. Lana Del Cunt threatened to pull out of Twatstobury if she wasn’t put higher on the bill. So those softasrsed Eavis cunts capitulated and moved her up.

    Seriously though, she is shit. Breathing is not singing, and using every Americana cliche in the book does not make her the new Loretta Lynn.

    G ‘n’ R are doing it though. Wish it was the Rose/Stradlin/Slash/McKagan/Adler version though.

    • That’s the thing about Glastonbury; it has an unrivalled twatmosphere.
      I’d book Russ Abbott just to sing that song to the crowd of basic bastards.

  28. Imagine the Beeb, woke, and Twatter meltdown if a Carter USM/Bad Manners style chant of ‘You Fat Bastard’ was aimed at Capaldi or Lizzo.🤣

  29. Loved 2012. Cuntstonbury was called off, as the Stone Roses made a spectacular comeback at Heaton Park. Those Eavis cunts knew they couldn’t compete with it.

    Not a huge Oasis fan. But they should reform and stage a big fuck off concert at the same time as ‘Glasto’, just to piss that Eavis lot off.🤣

  30. Never forget, the fab super yuppy twat ‘Glasto’ crowd – and the Eavis mob – welcomed Rolf and Gadd with open arms and they cheered both giddily. What wacky funsters they are…🙄

    • Glastonbury; Big with the MAPs.

      No wonder the BBC send so many ‘correspondents’.

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