It’s getting closer to that time of year again, when the sun shines on the fields of Worthy farm, awaiting the deluge of dickheads called Toby and Cressida who’ve paid £300 each to sit in a field listening to shite they can hear anywhere.
it must be Spastonbury!
…Glastonbury!
This year’s tossers include Fat Reg, Rick Astley, Lizzo, Lil Nas, Lewis Fat cunt Capsldi, dreary bint Lana del Rey (hwaah-hwaaah-hwaaah), Carly ‘Call me maybe’ Jepsen, Zoe Ball’s house husband and a range of other cunts.
I’m sure the BBC will send far too many cunts to cover this celebration of musical mediocrity just for a jolly up at the expense of pensioners and those struggling to keep lights on while they guffaw and bray over champers and lines of marching powder.
Fuck the climate, keep the generator for the chiller going!
I’m sure they’ve never seen so many white monied and gormless faces in one place.
‘Like, ohh my Goorrrd! I HACTUALLY saw the Arctic Monkeys fifteen years after their peak!’
Surely the greedy Eavises are treating it as a cunt test now?
£ 300 for Rick Astley and fat fucks Capaldi and Lizzo?
‘Let’s see just how many mugs we can catch this year, Emily!’
‘Doesn’t look like much of a Cost of living crisis for this bunch of suckers, does it daddy?’
It would cost three times that to pay me to go, not including lost earnings, petrol and the vast quantities of medicinal alcohol needed to put up with the insufferable chuntering of the clueless , mouth-breathing media graduate fucktards surrounding me making vlogs and being seen.
Suddenly, one of the brighter ones has an epiphany;
‘yaah, why can’t we just, like, get rid of like all the weapons?’
You’d be the first in the bin, Tristan.
Shut it down and lock the gate so the pig doesn’t get out.
Nominated by Cuntamus Prime.
Hope you cunters will forgive me? I was going to use a picture of some bearded hippies in the mud, but on reflection much preferred the one I eventually chose. C.A.
A little bit more on this subject from Jezzum Preist below.
A warning is out for all the Clarisas and Juliens.
No wellies needed this year.
But do drink plenty of water, heaven forbid that any of you pretentious, overpriveliged, under educated chimps should get dehydrated, resulting in you becoming even more brain dead than you already are.
I wonder how many times the emergency services are going to have to attend this year’s yahyah fest?
While your Gran lies on a cold floor with a broken hip.
And when the cunts turned ‘Glasto’ into a Hitler style rally. With Corbyn as their Fuhrer.
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Are Herman’s Hermits playing there this year? He’s such a nice boy with his funny tooth. And what about The Allisons? They made a really good record called ‘Are You Sure’.
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Peter Noone has been dining out on his ‘I partied with Keith Moon on a US tour’ for decades now.
And his bitching about the Monkees is tiresome. Herman’s Hermits were not exactly known for playing on their records. The lads who formed Zeppelin (Jimmy, John Paul Jones) played on most of them Hermits records.
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yes, but from that spawned “Labour live” what a shitfest, they couldn’t organise a bunk up in a brothel.
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I could cunt Glastonbury and every cunt that attends it from dawn til dusk.
Fucking spunk bubbles that blaze their first zoot and think theyve cracked the meaning of life. The useless bags of fuck all that preach to the everyman about saving the planet then leave all their plastic tents and waste on grazing land for others to clear. I would never buy milk from Eavis and his shit polluted farm, he can stick it up his arsehole. Even the fucking River is polluted.
Why the fuck dont the EA make an example of the cunt?
https://www.loudersound.com/news/cocaine-and-mdma-in-glastonbury-festival-river-may-pose-threat-to-rare-eels
They will happily team up with NAtural England to get a farmer sent down for two years for dredging a river but Eavis gets left alone. Utter cuntery.
Putin, if you are reading this (as I’m sure you are), dial the coordinates of this festival of middle class cuntery and send in a handful of Satan IIs can you? You will be doing both theenvironment and the UK gene pool a massive favour.
FUCKING CUNTS!!!!!!!!!!
These cunts havent a clue about ecology
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Fun Fact: Michael Eavis is one of the characters on the board game Guess Who?
Don’t think I’ve really given a shit about this since abaaaht 2005.
They started having acts on like Will Young. No offence to Mr Young but he’s hardly some sort of edgy underground act. When you think they used to have acts like The Prodigy and PJ Harvey.
Now you pay £300 to sit in a field for a weekend next to Chris Martin types talk about when they were “literally in Burma and it was so cultural and shit” while listening to Elton and Rick Astley.
I’ve known a few people older than me who went back in the early 90s and managed to climb the fence and they said it was completely different back then and now its full of middle class trustafarians because they’re the only ones who can afford to go.
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And that lass in the nomination photo: I most certainly would. Especially if she just wears the sunglasses and the boots.
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Wonder if Lizzo will do a cover of ‘Lip Up Fatty’ by Bad Manners?🤣
And I can hear Lana Del Dirge at Glsato right now….
‘Here’s my new number. ‘Surf’s Up with Pet Sounds After the Goldrush for the Coalminer’s daughter the Sweetheart of the Rodeo Dancing In The Dark with John Wesley Harding who Lives Between Clark and Hilldale near Marina Del Rey on Pacific Ocean Boulevard’.
The Rutles were more original.😄
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I hope Axl upsets the crowd and the BBC by saying something ‘offensive’ on air. The G ‘n’ R lads could do ‘One In A Million’.🤣
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I think it would be splendid if, after much faffing complete with sound checks, they came on stage with lighting going crazy, fireworks exploding in the night sky, all the fanfare, and Axl says
” are you ready, Glastonbury?”
Cue crowd cheering wildly, waving (eco-friendly) lighters. Then Axl says
“well, fuck off, we’ve decided not to play for you bunch of cunts”
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Just coated my phone in mc ewans Champion. Is a cunt gold right there
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What makes me laugh about Twatsonbury is that the cunts preach all this Labour bollocks and that diversity crap. But every fucker who goes is white and well off. Nobody else can afford to go. The BBC market it as some great English festival. It is not a festival for the people, it is a festival for rich people. It’s a festival that cunts like Gwyneth Paltrow and Daniel Twatcliffe go to in their luxury winnebagos. Astonishing, that almost every person at ‘Glasto’ – audience, TV, and acts alike – is a cunt.
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At least it pisses Lenny Henry off though eh? Every cloud
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That’s true. Even the vast Lizzo won’t pacify the ‘lack of diversity’ mob.😉
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Rick Astley. A manufactured puppet from the 80s whose records all sounded the same (Stock Aitken Waterman shite).
Now, the ‘Glasto’ bellends will make out they are kitsch ‘old school’ and ironic by singing to ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’. And people pay 300 nicker for this?! A fucking from joke top to bottom.
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A fucking joke from top to bottom.
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The lass in the header? I defo would. Some Hunter waders would look good on her, before the company finally folds due to crap chinqui quality.
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The finger clicking cunt who lives across the road from Tommy Saxondale. The Glastonbury regular personified.
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I imagine Glastonbury is a bit like that bit in Peep show where David Mitchell’s character goes clubbing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJxrVotmkwM
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I’m sorry but yeah as im sure it’s full of tossers, i had a look at the line up and there’s tons of decent stuff to go and see, yeah granted most are little well known artists and they will never get any airtime but i think that i would love to go there and get lost.
I would stay well clear of the main stages as they are shite and stick to where the real music will be playing.
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