Patches the Fat cat and cats at large

A Nugeesque cunting please for Patches, an American moggie weighing four times what it should at over 40 pounds. No photo of the owner here who let Tiddles get this big, but doubtless it’s a gargantuan human Moby Dick look-a-like who thinks kitty is just a bit ‘curvy’.

Anyway, fatso has been rehomed and the new owner has it on a diet. Hopefully in time it will once again be able to scour out it’s arsehole like any cat should. Personally I’d put it on a zero calorie diet and tell the fat feline fucker to catch a mouse if it doesn’t like it.


Nominated by Geordie Twatt

A further helping of feline fun from Ron Knee below.


Cats are cunts. I should know, having had to put up with one lounging about the house for twenty years, just so the wife can dote on it. After the last little fucker popped his paws, I swore never again, but inevitably gave in to the wife’s tearful entreaties. Enter Gerald on the scene, the lazy fat fuck.

Every day’s the same. He’s outside the back door at half seven in the morning, meowing to get back in after a night on the tiles. Chances are he’ll look a bit the worse for wear after a good fight, with a rip to his ear or half his whiskers missing. Either that or he’ll swagger in looking complacent; a sure sign that he’s put a bit into next door but one’s kitty again.

After threading himself around the wife’s legs to get his scran, he’ll retire to one of his favourite dossing spots to spend the next hour scratching himself and licking his arse before inevitably dozing off, spending the next several hours farting and snoring. Then he’ll wake up at some point in the evening to get his nose bag on before he wants the door open so he can fuck off again. Rinse and repeat.

I mean, I honestly don’t get it. What is the point of having a cat? Left to me, the useless, free-loading twat would be out on his ear, but the wife thinks the sun shines out his arse.

Oh well, I suppose that I should be grateful for the fact that he condescends to let us live in the same house and take care of all his material needs, including his regular vet bills. He’s really on easy street, the little bastard.

46 thoughts on “Patches the Fat cat and cats at large

  1. Geordie, Ron, I know your pain. Dash my cat is a neutered female approaching her 14th birthday hates other cats and dogs. In other words a drain on the exchequer. Has killed two rats to my knowledge and given a dog a bit of a kicking. A vicious little tart if it’s escaped your notice.

  2. Ron, if your moggie was big enough he happily show his affection and gratitude by killing, fucking and eating you and your missus.
    Get a dog.

    • Poor patches☹️

      I’m a dog person.
      But we have a cat too.
      All black, unlucky for some.

      We’ve had a few over the years.
      I like them, but they can’t compete with a dog.

      Women and puffs love a cat!😁

      • Good Morning Mis and everyone

        Dogs are great fanny magnets, take them out for a walk and women will start talking to you. Cats don’t need walking.

  3. As long as they don’t have aposable thumbs, we’re OK.

    The second they started to mutate, drown them.

  4. Sell Patches for a tidy sum to the local Chinky but save the pelt to make a new cloak for the King.

    • – Excuse me, what’s this leathery bit in my Noodles?

      – Cat corrar. You wanna flies wiv dat chow mein innit?

  5. Why the fuck do people put the cat out at night?? What do they think they do? Apart from getting run over, waking the street up shagging, waking the street up being attacked by foxes, sitting in the neighbours sad beds…. cats are cunts.

  6. Your description ron, sounds like a average day at the house of Lords..

    Cats have nothing on those worthless bags of shit..

  7. The domestic cat.

    Evil fucking creatures in general if you ask me.

    Especially popular with homosexual men and spinsters for some reason.

    Toxoplasmosis is known to send people a bit loopy who decide to house these things.

    Good morning

  8. Yay!!! Upvote for a cat. But if you’re going to have a pet, make fucking sure you feed it properly. Poor animal.

  9. I’m no big fan of cats. They are total cunts compared to dogs and the most selfish fuckers around.

    However the owner is the biggest cunt for letting it get like this. Fucking disgusting.

  10. Hate the fucking things. Their owners are cunts. Try letting your dog shit on their property, bark all night and kill chicks. Cat owners have no problem with it.

  11. Hey RK your cat, just like a chap I knew, he was a right useless cunt as well.

  12. We have kept cats all our married life, normally two or three. When I was young we always kept a dog at home but not an option for us since they trigger the missus’ asthma. Cats are a lot less trouble than dogs. They don’t require walking and you can leave them for hours with food, water and a litter tray. On the other hand as Jeezum pointed out to me once, a dog gets you out of the house. Since retiring I’ve occasionally left the house and realised I haven’t been out for a couple of days having not needed to do so. How you get a cat to weigh forty pounds though I can’t imagine. Ours have always been fed “on demand” and when they’ve had enough they just leave to lick their arses and have a kip. One thing cats do which I find appealing and fascinating is their love of climbing. We have photos of one of ours sitting on the main roof ridge surveying the neighbourhood, thirty feet above the ground.

    • You’re right arfur. The one advantage to a cat is that they’re less trouble than a dog.

      Personally I don’t see the attraction to keeping any domestic pets, but there you go.

      Morning all.

    • Cats are cool, hur hur… 😺

      You had your birthday yet Arfur? 🎂

      Morning all.

      • Nah, 22nd for me Ruf. Me and Richard Wagner and Arthur Conan Doyle. 72 years. Fucking hell.

        When’s yours?

      • Here’s a clue: I was born 2 days before Satan.

        Yep, mine was a week ago tomorrow. 70 years.

        May the fourth go with you, Arfur. 👍

  13. Prefer cats due to their independence and being closer to human nature. They’d be an equal if they could buy food for themselves.

  14. I like cats. Great pest control and they are affectionate towards their owners, despite what people think. Ours refuses to eat if one or both of us are away for day or two. Ours craves attention, even if it’s just been fed. They also relieve stress. They’re warm, furry and vibrate when you stroke them. Works for me.

    Piece of piss to take care of too.

    Although that fat cunt above needs a diet, owners who put it in that state are idiots.

    • Agreed. Cats are wonderful and are a lot less effort than a dog. They exercise themselves, clean themselves, amuse themselves and can even feed themselves if they have to.
      They’re not like dogs and that’s what bugs some people, dogs want to be your friend but cats couldn’t give a shit either way, they’re going to do their own thing whether you like it or not.
      If you can make friends with a cat you’ve achieved something. It’s easier if you accept that none of them are perfect.

      • Giant rabbits are great.
        “Night of the Lepus” is seriously scary…

  15. i dont mind cats as animals. i’m allergic to the. but that’s my problem, not theirs.

    My main problem is the slovenly owners.
    As soon as they say they like cats because they’te independent, you know they’re really saying ‘i’m a lazy cunt who wants a pet but can’t really be arsed to look after it’.

    This is why cats are popular with the female and overweight users of Facebook snd Twiiter. Lazy sods who sit around, eating cake, swigging prosecco, ‘working’ from home, never used a shovel or hammer in their lives (even for gardening or basic DIY) and start panicking if the boss calls them in to the place of work where everybody else has been for the past two years.

    ‘Karen’s got a bad back and needs to look after her baby’.

    The baby being the fur baby she’s (sometimes he) constantly posts photos of online.

  16. First time for everything.

    I cannot support Mr. Knee’s nomination and neither can my cat, Boris Wolfgang Cuntster. He has now nominated Ron on IsaR (Is a Rat).

    If cats had thumbs they would rule the world.

  17. “Oh well, I suppose that I should be grateful for the fact that she condescends to let us live in the same house and take care of all her material needs, including her regular medical bills. She’s really on easy street, the little tart”

    Sounds like some domestic women

  18. Cats are cunts. (Disclaimer, I am a dogloving lizard) Next door but one has a scrawny yellow tabby which, until I covered everything with netting, jagged sticks, wooden beams &c, was using my garden as a toilet, because, you know, miaow, one doesn’t shit on one’s own doorstep unless one is Fat Freddie’s ugh, common Cat.

    It also liked to recline on the roof of my shed, until I arranged a suspended metal bar to ping suddenly and loudly when hit by an air rifle pellet. That makes the cunt piss off vertically, for now. When that fails, saturating the cunt and the areas it visits with Jeyes’ Fluid may hold the line…I am not disclosing my secret weapon, though.

    I think I’ve cunted cat owners before, and if not I should have done. Your cat’s right to do anything in my garden stops on your side of the fence. Dog owners have to pick up their pets’ crap (because toxoplasmosis, etc), so why the fuck do I have to deal with your catshit? No wonder cat poisoning incidents are on the up.

    If cats killed pigeons in any quantity, I might cut them a little slack (I could forgive pigeons a lot if they killed cats) but they don’t. Despite being fed a processed diet of abattoir waste and mechanically recovered eccch, designed to make their crap even nastier than foxshit. they have to kill small garden birds which do no damage at all.

    Cats. Fuck them.

    • Please reveal your secret weapon, Komodo, our garden is saturated in cat shit because whilst I was away working the missus thought it would be lovely to befriend the neighborhood cat bastards.

      I’ve tried the usual repellents but after a week or so, the fuckers revert to type. If I catch one I would legitimately pull it’s lungs out through its fucking arse.

      • Sorry, but you will appreciate that if I should use the feline Final Solution, publicising the details would be unwise. (No, it’s not antifreeze. Forensic vets are well aware of that one.)

        But, alternatively:

        I once had to move to student accommodation oop North. One of a row of miners’ houses originally, it had a concrete yard which had been filled to a depth of two inches with catshit. I cleared this out, saturated the area with only slightly diluted Jeyes’ Fluid a couple of times, and never saw a a cat turd in it for the next six months, when I left, rejoicing.

        However, this would not be appropriate for a proper garden, as everything smells like a chemical toilet for a while and the plants die. But in such cases neat Jeyes applied to used teabags and lightly buried in unoccupied beds is said to work by some.

        Also check out prickle mats such as CatScat, available at extortionate prices on Ebay. Possibly the most certain legal solution is a sprayer fitted with a thermal motion detector. Pricy, and needs a hose point. The ultrasonic gadgets, by and large, don’t work.

        I deeply sympathise, and good luck.

      • Something electrical might work, otherwise the American boy scout’s trick – a dustbin, loads of freebie samples of radioactive materials…

  19. Over the past 40 odd years I have dispatched what must be close to a thousand feral Moggies which are endemic to the Aussie Bush. Come across the bastards all the time when out Pig/Fox hunting. Blowing them in half with a 30/06 is most satisfactory. Here Tiddles….!

    • By God, Sir, what splendid sport! There’s the basis for a safari business right there. I must get my Rigby serviced…

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