Film and TV Clichés [2]

Posted on by


A couple of years ago I put up a nom on the subject of irritating screen clichés. I was delighted at the manner in which cunters weighed in on the subject and kicked these tiresome tropes to death.

Or so I thought. Annoyingly, another batch of hackneyed scenes and tired lines has crept out of the woodwork for me to have a go at, because lazy scriptwriters and directors just can’t see past them. So ‘don’t you die on me’, because ‘we’ve got a situation here!’. Here are just a few examples that invariably elicit an ‘oh for fuck’s sake’ response from me.

Cut to a scene in any detective drama. Some fashionable types are at an art exhibition or the launch of some singer’s new record, chit-chatting and sipping champagne. Suddenly there’s a scream, the tinkle of a glass breaking, and yells of ‘oh my Gahhd!’ as the star is found face down, a dagger in the back. A female voice off camera then bleats ‘somebody call 911!’.

Then you’ve got the scene where the good guy and the bad guy finally face off. Before all hell breaks loose, the villain feels obliged to philosophise on the nature of his relationship with the hero; ‘you know, it doesn’t have to be like this. We’re not so different, you and me’.

How about the one where the male/female buddy cops are drinking coffee on a stakeout and she says (there’s ‘chemistry’ building between them, remember) ‘ok, so are ya finally gonna tell me what’s really going on between you an’ Maddie?’. He looks into the middle distance, ponders for a second or two, then replies ‘it’s … complicated’. Oh and let’s not forget the one where the treacherous spy chief sneers at the in-over-his-head hero ‘you’ve absolutely no idea what you’ve gotten into!’.

I could cunt indefinitely on this subect, but unfortunately, ‘we’re running out of time!’.
Sadly, ‘this ends now!’.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_kBdnziEFA&t=28s

Nominated by : Ron Knee

136 thoughts on “Film and TV Clichés [2]”

  2. Attractive woman, waking in the middle of the night, sees a masked figure holding a knife stood at the end of the bed.

    ” Who are you. What do you want?”

    Well, I don’t think it’s to deliver a box of Milk Tray, love.

    • Great spot JP. A close relative of the one where there’s a crazed killer stalking the female lead’s house in the dark.

      ‘Stay in the house! Lock the doors!’ she screams at the kids, then promptly gets a ‘flashlight’ and with a terrified expression, goes outside…

      • The crazed killer has killed all from high school jock knobheads to marines but seems to be unable to dispatch a 5’2″ blonde mophead carrying a vase.

      • They always manage to leave one window open though, usually on the ground floor…daft cunts.

    • In America, according to the FBI figures, white-,on-white killing occurs at a rate of one per 110,000 per year.

      Black-on-black is one per15,000 per year.

      I know that is in America, but how much difference beteeen these rates do we expect in the UK.

    • Wazabakana Kukabu.

      You just can’t beat a good old traditional British name can you.

  4. One I’ve always thought should be in every TV , movie script and political manifesto is.

    ” Bullshit baffles brains”

  5. “don’t press it! You’ll kill us all!”

    Press it.

    ” I knew you’d be back .
    Couldn’t stay away could you?”

    Forgot me coat.

    ” It’s remained hidden from the world for thousands of years.
    Cut off from what we know as civilization.
    God alone knows what could be on that island?..”

    Be dinosaurs. Normally is.

  6. This is why the screenwriters are on strike. they’re so crap they’re worried an AI chatbot will fo a better job.

    Films are largely rubbish now. Many arent even films but animated atrocities that adults line up to see. They’re two-hour versions of the sewuence in Mary Poppins where Mary, Burt and the kids jump into the drawing, but without the charm or humour.
    I know people who assemble in to an entourage to see the latest Marvel dross or Fast and Furious Ninety-eight.
    I ask them why they’re paying £18 each to watch a cartoon full of bad dialogue., bad acting and fake stunts. All they do is harrumph because they know it’s shite. These sadfest part is they insist on getting there before the adverts, so they can have their brains cleaved by the ridiculous sound system blaring DON’T JUST BOOK IT, THOMAS COOK IT’.
    ‘Witless goggle-eyed cunts.

    • I can’t remember the last time I paid to see an American film; most are formulaic, dreary, woke-ridden dross. These days I stick to films from Europe, South America and Asia, with the odd British film such as ‘Living’ or ‘Operation Mincemeat’ when they come along.

      Hollywood has eaten itself.

      • Top Gun Maverick has had people jizzing over it but from i can see it traded on the buzz over the stunts with actual F/A -18s. The problem is the rest of the film is a retread of the first, and uses CGI daftness in many places.

        To me it looks just another comic book movie.

  7. I keep my distance from yankie shite, preventing any cringing cliches. If any, they are few a far between in my elite cinema viewing.

    • Elite cinema viewing of today is yesteryear’s mainstream cinema.

      In the 70s nobody would bat an eye over 2001: A Space Odyssey.

      Nowadays such a film is met with ‘ooh, get you!’

      Thick cunts.

    • You keep your distance from the dictionary too. That would be Yankee shit.

      Of course in elite foreign films like, Un Chat, un vrai or Pas sur las chatte they don’t use vernacular Amerenglish so you wouldn’t know that.

    • I would like to point out that at Boggs Poronographic Film Productions (Taiwan) Ltd we use no American actors. We turned down some tart living in the UK for a time a few years ago – I think her name was Meghan Markle. We use mainly good British stock (to which we add a beef cube).

      My two TV bete noirs:

      “Back in the day”

      and “Gotten” when spoken by a non American. The mean “get” or “got”

      • Gotten was forgotten by us, until the yanks decided to bring it back to annoy us.

  8. I like a a refreshing take on stories.

    The bad guy wins.

    The hero doesn’t get the girl.

    The cowboys end up riddled with arrows.

    Fay wray catches monkey pox.

    I like it in Easy Rider where the freewheeling hippy heroes of the story get shotgunned by rednecks!👍

    Marvelous

    • Hahaha I’d forgotten they get shot by the rednecks. Yeah that was a special time in Hollywood.

  9. Danny Glover as detective Roger Murtaugh in the Lethal Weapon franchise.

    “I’m too old for this shit” as he tells us over four films and eleven years.

  10. Despite the vicious and completely unwarranted assault (nomination) on cats that Mr. Knee (to his everlasting shame) participated in, he’s back on point with this one.

    So much so that my cat…Boris Wolfgang Cuntster…wanted me to “reach out” to him.

    I hate that fucking TV phrase. (I think it was made popular by NYPD Blue.)

    • I think Mr Knee was flying a false flag, how can anyone not love a cute little pussy.

      • “Mr. Patel?. This is your next door neighbour, Mrs. Slocombe speaking. I want you to do me a favour. Go to my front door, bend down and look through my letterbox, and if you can see my pussy, throw a sardine at it” (Mollie Sugden)

        (Are You Being Served, written by David Croft and Jeremy Lloyd in pre PC days)

        And we are united in this.

  11. Detective show cliches

    “Your gun and your badge, Kapowski.”

    (Angry, exasperated, fat black chief of police guy)”I’ve got the DA on my ass…”

    “Don’t mess up my crime scene!”

    “I promise, I will find who did this to your husband/wife/son/daughter and bring them to justice.”

  12. Film and TV is so shoe-horned with ethnics I rarely bother now.

    Rather go to longleat, the acting is better..

    • There’s always one Macaque who thinks he’s Denzel Washington.

      ‘Nononono, dont you LIE to me woman!’

  13. Here’s a TV cliche – Eurocrap and it’s coming to a Scouseland near you.

    Ali Beebie had this little video up on their site:

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/entertainment-arts-65539720

    Full of mincers and other lazy cunts that don’t want to work.

    What with this, and the millions we just spunked on Charlie Boy and Camilla Creampie, no wonder this country is financially fucked.

    • Someone at work showed me the entry for Croatia on You Tube today. Five quite stout middle aged men with make up and glitter on their faces, wearing long coats but with seemingly bare legs, stamping about in a line gurning and chanting Mama something or other over and over. A commentator said it was a political statement in support of Ukraine. You could have fooled me. I would not be at all surprised if it wins.

  14. Hard boiled private eye sat rumpled at his desk,
    Open bottle of whiskey in front of him.
    Tie askew.
    Light tap at the door
    A beautiful and mysterious woman.

    “Waddeya want?”

    He gruffly says.

    No wonder his business is tanking the rude pissed up cunt.

  15. There has to be a new one on the horizon

    ‘How dare you misgender me’

    That Starbucks home movie the other day was brilliant, Tranny in full flow, straight to the dole queue 😂

  16. Not quite a cliche, but once I’d worked out the agenda in most ‘whodunnit’ shows in recent years, I spotted a few.

    That Danish one call Forbrydlson or whatever, all arrows point to a Pakistani type guy but a random honky makes a slightly sexist and racist comment

    “He’s the killer.” I said straightaway.

    He was, despite no ‘clues’ whatsoever.

    I think same thing happened in another one called ‘The Night of’. The honky who made a slightly non pc comment early on, I say “Arrest that man, he’s obviously the killer.’

    Yup, he was.

    Whodunnits my arse.

    • Are these the much-lauded Scandinavian Noirs the middle classes say everyone must watch?

      I say ‘don’t pretend it’s some sort of high culture, you’re still watching telly’

      • Aye they’re all the same. The slightly right wing honky male did it, not the non white fella that has all evidence and clues pointing to him.

    • The innocent honky has to be arrested so the guilty BAME can get away with it, just like here.

  17. Note to Hollywood

    If your heroes are hunting a evil supernatural monster like Dracula,
    May I suggest they go in the daytime?
    Sledgehammer down any walls to let in bright sunshine and pry him out of his coffin?

    Itd be much safer.

  18. And if hunting a predatory great white shark,
    Set off in a bigger boat.

    • Also, ET wanted to phone home.

      He arrived in a intergalactic spaceship crossing lightyears.
      But doesn’t have a mobile phone?

      Little turd.

    • Jaws was good until the shark belly flops onto the back of the boar. It becomes a b-movie at that point. Robert Jaw getting his belly bitten into then coughing up blood made me and my brother scream with laughter as children.

    • And Indiana ‘sticky fingers’ Jones, stop picking up ancient artifacts from caves and tombs, they are all fucking booby trapped!

  19. Most films could be spiced up with a nice bit of rape.
    Off the beaten track, the recent films ‘Cocaine Bear’ and ‘Evil Dead Rise’ are well worth a watch and mostly trite cliché-free

  20. Any bird who’s just been shagged senseless suddenly becomes all coy and covers herself with a sheet.

    Every stolen car has a full tank.

    The bad guy has a British accent.

    Anyone walking down the street with a bag of shopping must have a French baguette sticking out the top….

  21. The best for tired dialogue is William Shatner.😁

    He couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag.

    But I like him!!
    He makes me howl with laughter.

    And then there’s that Steven Seagull.
    Fuck me.
    Pitiful.

  22. Anyone on military service who carries a photo of a loved one is definitely going to die….

  23. And……. . . . any “action film” with a screechy woman… “get the girl”.

    • In Star wars the rebel alliance has discovered a weakness in the seemingly indestructible Death Star.

      Luke Skywalker brags he

      ” Used to bullseye wimp rats in his T-16 back home”

      Gaining them to trust him in this important mission.

      Akin to me telling Bomber command to entrust the Dambusters mission to me because I once hit a squirrel with a catapult in the park when I was 9yr.

      How gullible are we in the future when it comes to warfare?

    • It’s understandable I suppose, but the sneering lead baddy is the last to die. Always.

  25. Any car chase scene weaving in and out of the traffic..

    Yeah try that in London with all the roads blocked off with flower pots, or dug up.

    Gormless tourists standing in the road taking selfies.

    Jeremy vine videoing you for passing to close to him.

    • It’s funny how nobody being followed in a car notices that they’re being followed by another car, even when it pulls into a conveniently empty parking space right opposite.

      Unless of course the plot requires that they notice they’re being followed by another car… Cue a frantic car chase with the protagonist dodging everything while fifty cop cars smash headlong into each other, with at least a couple flipping through the air in slow motion.

      One of the biggest tropes in films.

  27. In a dangerous situation, the bloke says to the lady “wait here, don’t move”, and they always do, right into the arms of the baddy.

  28. “This is not good” heard it recently again in Top Gun Maverick. Boils my piss. It usually isn’t when you’re being chased by a Mig29. Stating the fucking obvious.

  29. “Slip into something more comfortable” – even when it doesn’t look exactly comfortable.

    That’s the one that’s always got on my tits.

    Or the bird that stays over after a one nighter and is busy making coffee the following morning wearing nothing but an oversized blokes shirt. Why? Put your own clothes back on you daft tart.

  30. I remember watching Quincy on TV.

    Every fucking episode was….. “Give me 24 hours and I’ll prove it to you!”.

    And every episode he did prove it to them, within 24 hours.

    I don’t know why they just didn’t believe him in the first place, given his track record.

Comments are closed.