Birds

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I’m cunting birds. Not the gorgeous long legged and fully fun-bagged bird we know and love, but the feathered bastards that roam freely.

Swimbo and myself sat watching the new Attenborough series, as it’s UK based so little chance of seeing a starving darkie as , as far as I can see, it wasn’t filmed in Birmingham, Leicester, Londonistan or the whole of West Yorkshire. We’re nice and comfy, watching the lovely creatures that live on our sceptered isle, and mostly, they are being hunted and torn apart by fucking birds.

Little Puffins being bullied by gulls for Sand eels, owls hunting voles, which are rare nowadays. Eagles hunting geese etc. You get the drift. The cunts are ruthless, they have an evil glint in their beady eyes and you get sense of what dinosaurs hunting would be like. And they nick chips off you at the seaside.

Nominated by Bertram Cuntatious DCO.

85 thoughts on “Birds”

  2. Our feathery friends are alright by me.

    Unless it’s that utter cunt orville, blast that fucker with a shotgun.

  3. Good cunting.

    I fucking hate the feathery fuckers.
    More like a phobia rather than a deep dislike.

    I would rather be locked in a room with snakes or spiders than with birds.

    They also shit everywhere.

      • I’d pay any amount of money for a time machine and access to the contents of Tippi Hedren’s underwear.

      • Hell yes!
        A prime Honor Blackman, followed by a prime Diana Rigg.
        When they have drained me and fucked off, a prime Jenny Agutter can come and revive me😀😀😀

    • The funniest thing I ever saw was at Minehead when a gull emptied its arsehole on the a Seiks Turban.

  4. Well I’ve just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens, so that’s six months of training wasted….

  6. It’s a pity that Bertie Blunt is no longer a contributor, his insights would be invaluable.

    • And don’t they let us know it!
      Screaming at 4am, shitting all over and they don’t bag it, either.

  8. I like to hear the dawn chorus and to watch a flock of murmurating starlings, which can be an amazing sight.
    Apart from that birds are cunts, and carnivorous birds are the worst as they can’t be arsed to kill their prey, they just eat it alive. But then they evolved from reptiles, so only to be expected.

    Oh yes, and Bill Oddie is a scruffy, bird watching cunt.

    • Evening GT…do you reckon Bill Oddie does weird things with birds?
      Like making a glory hole in the side of his hideout thing, painting his knob to look like a field mouse and hoping the a kestrel will lacerate it with beak and talon, the beardy perv.

      • Evening Thomas.
        I wouldn’t put it past him. Along with stuffing his end into some nicely scented flowers in the hope he might attract a hummingbird to slurp the nectar off.
        Goodie goodie goodie.

  9. I like falconry and birds of prey.

    Once when my lad was about 9yr or 10yr we were at a country show.
    A falconer had a Eagle Owl,
    Massive, hard, angry looking cunt.
    He asked for a volunteer.
    I quickly pushed my lad forward an shouted

    “One here!”

    He had my lad lay on the grass holding a piece of meat and the owl swooped down snatching it from his hand to a round of applause from the crowd.

    My lad was furious 😆

    • Evening MNC, speaking of birds, I’m going speed dating tomorrow night…what could possibly go wrong?
      A weird-looking, skinny bald cunt dressed up like a mad parrot, attempting to talk to a middle-aged wimminz about inane bollocks and keeping the extravaganza of filth solely in my mind and firmly off my tongue…
      wish me luck, lads!

      • No problem Thomas, just stick to the erudite charm and sophistication you display on IAC and you’ll have them eating out of your hand.

      • Go for it Mr Cuntengine 👍

        Just relax and dazzle them!
        Remember wimmin like a bit of flattery, are attracted to confidence and good manners.

        And for fuck sake don’t follow them home.

        Play hard to get 😁

      • Just look a bit overwhelmed and stammer a bit. Then when they ask what’s wrong, just say ‘I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re the most attractive woman I’ve ever laid on eyes on. I don’t know what to say…’.

        Of course, you only say this to any one of them that you want to lose their pants.

        Good luck and good hunting!

      • No, I thought it best to sacrifice the ‘tache in the pursuit of some old, dry pussy, LL.

      • If old, dry pussy is a problem, make sure you take a tin of axle grease with you. Always worked for me.

      • Mr. Knees advice is sound, it’ll work about 4 times out of 10.
        Not that I’d know from personal experience, ahem!

      • Just take the loud muscle car-wimminz love a confident chap who knows how to handle his big-end👍

      • No offence Thomas, but you don’t strike me as the debonair man about town.

        Just cut right to the chase.

        Sit down and if they’re ugly biffas that wouldn’t get you hard, just say “I don’t do mingers, sorry.”

        Save time for the ones you would shag.

        And just say, “You’re actually not too bad looking. Fancy a fuck?”

      • Or you could always use your tried and trusted, “I can give you a lift home, sure. You feel sleepy after that drink? Best take you home now then, eh?”

    • Ron’s advice,as ever is sound but ffs don’t stop half way through. She is not the most beautiful woman/girl you’ve ever laid…..
      Stick with the wise counsel of IsAC and you’ll never ….

      • Well done Thomas,ruffle some feathers..

        Then ruin some arsehole,Don Juan style.

        Jolly good show.

      • Splendid stuff, Thomas.

        Dazzle them with your dry wit, your brown dralon seats and pink suit.

        You’ll be up to your taters in chopped mutton by midnight.👍

  10. I find it oddly relaxing and cheering to sit in the garden with a glass of wine and watch the cavorting of the blackbirds, coal tits, robins, chaffinches etc around the feeders and water bath.

    This feeling lasts just until the pigeons arrive, then I crave a fucking powerful air rifle to dispense some frontier justice to the shitty cunts.

  12. Just chased a crow off the collared doves nest.
    I hate them, rooks and magpies also, with a passion.
    Wouldn’t have minded if it had been a pigeons nest, flying rats, that’s what they are.

    • And yes, Ron.
      An air rifle would be great.
      I’ll suggest it to the girls, when they next ask me what I want for birthday /christmas/Fathers day (wtf).

  13. That Jack Sparrow was a bit of a twat, as well as Angela Eagle and don’t get me started on Christopher Robin.

  15. Crow’s Rook’s, Jackdaw’s, Magpie’s, Jay’s, blackbird’s, woodpeckers, nuthatches, wood pigeon, Collared Doves, Feral Pigeon, tits, robins etc, etc

    All are regulars on or near the feeders at the homestead.
    We also have a resident barn owl, bats, a visiting heron and various birds of prey, that have tussles with the larger Corvids.

    Greedy, noisy fuckers!

  17. Nobody seems to like ‘Free as a Bird’ the song the rest of the Beatles made of that John Lennon demo.
    I do.

    • Well, it could have been worse.
      At least Yoko Fucking Ono and Linda McCartney aren’t on it.

      • Jeff Lynne fucked it up with his mania for reverb and that ‘Chugga Chugga’ Willburys sound. Harrison’s guitar is the highlight, but John sounds like he’s singing inside a dustbin, Ringo sounds like he’s drumming on a solo Phil Collins single, and there’s no killer ‘Walrus’ style bassline from Macca.

  18. That Zelensky cunt is at it again.

    A ‘beheading’ video of Ivan supposedly lopping off a Ukranian napper has, of course, led to more mithering and pestering of other world leaders to give him this and that as usual.

    The whole world has their own problems, fuck off. Also, I wouldn’t put it past this Zelensky cunt to be involved in this stunt.

  19. If you are not keen on birds you should take a look at the Shoebill. That is one massive scary looking motherfucker, the stuff of nightmares. They come from East Africa and fortunately we only take gimmigrants from there not giant fucking wading birds.

    • Fucking hell Freddie, mothers must tell stories of it snatching little M’tembe’s in their sleep to get them to behave.

    • Excellent, I’ve seen one of these (or perhaps it was a pelican) catch and gulp down a large pigeon, you could see the fucker still flapping inside the spoonbills flabby craw. Fascinating and slightly horrific.

      Maybe we could train and deploy some in the Channel.

    • Can I get a Shoebill or a maneating Lion to come and eat the dark cunts that plague my dialysis treatent?🤔

  20. I often tune into a YouTube channel, South Oz Hobby hunter, he dispatches rats, feral cats and many pigeons from around farms in Australia, I find it excellent viewing.

    I’d happily dispatch pigeons, magpies and gulls, they are all vermin.

    Songbirds on the other hand should be treasured, there are not many left and who hasn’t marvelled at a murmuration of starlings or doesn’t rise at the sound of tits cavorting in the bushes at first light of dawn?

    • Coogan is a cunt. But it’s well funny when Saxondale shoots that pigeon and then also shoots that smelly hippy.🤣

  21. I’ve been taking my pet chicken to the gym recently to help him get in shape, you should see his pecks….

  22. We are lucky to have birds. The blackbird singing in my tree is a joy, as are the rest. Wonderful creatures. Predatory birds are part of life. Wonderful.

  23. Back in the day I got so fucked out my tree I turnt up to work and slept under my desk. Woke up full well I knew I was not in a fit state to work but I tried to soldier on anyway. I decided to inform the manager and I had a lie down in a local park for a couple of hours and in my sorry sore state albeit my own fault. I was attacked, not by foreigners but the fucking Greggs litter police. The fucking seagulls banged the fuck out my sandwich and head. I then punched one and later was told it was illegal to hit birds because they are protected. Ummmmmmmmmmmm wtf?

  24. The Peacocks in Heaton Park are great. Behind our house we also get Herons and Jays in the Summer. They fly to the pond behind us from the park lakes. Really nice when we see them….

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