Monty Don

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I always know when Spring is upon us. Is it the subtle change in the air, or the flowering of the daffodils? No, it’s when the wife looks up with a gleam in her eye and says ‘oh yummy, Monty’s back this week’; Monty, for those unsure, being hoary handed son of the soil Monty Don. Yes him, the BBC gardening guru and sex god from ‘Gardeners’ World’.

Can anybody out there explain to me what exactly it is about this bloke that makes ladies ‘of a certain age’ froth like a beck in a storm? The widder woman who lives across the road from us goes swivel-eyed at the mention of his name. Her dog’s named after him.

A few years ago the wife went all the way to Edinbugh just to attend an event that the cunt was putting on at the Book Festival, and returned with signed copies of two of his books. My mate Big Al’s missus frankly admits to fantasising about being pawed very roughly by ‘his big, coarse, hairy hands’, and makes very unsubtle references to the size of his cucumber.

Now I’ll own that the wife’s right when she says that I’ve got absolutely no grounds for getting peeved with her about this, given the amount of time that I spend drooling over (and I quote) ‘that Mexican piece with huge tits’. Ah Salma, my Salma.

Yes, I’m forced to admit that this cunting is based on nothing more than sheer puzzlement and unfounded, irrational jealousy on my part. I’m jealous that Monty Don is a fanny magnet. The green-fingered bastard.

Guardian

Nominated by Ron Knee.

162 thoughts on “Monty Don”

  2. Hes ok in my book, harmless enough, makes the wife drip like a knackered fridge but hey ho saves me a job in the garden or her lady garden. Titchmarsh is a wonky eyed cunt.

    • Yes and Titchmarsh was a lazy fucking prick too. Tommy Walsh and that ginger Charlie bird with the wobbly tits did all the heavy lifting.

      All that cunt did was talk plants, direct the deliveries and scratch his knackers.

    • I used to hate it when that twat Titchmarsh was on the Chelsea Flower Show, genuflecting to whichever minor royal he could corner, and then bore to death. Bloody knobend.

      • He outdid himself a week or two back in the Saturday Daily Express you had his fifth rate “gardening column” while over in the same days Daily Mail magazine, there was an article written by him “why I feel sorry for my friend the King” over the Harry Hewitt contretemps. Right little Royal arsehole crawler and probably as bent as as nine bob note.

      • Indeed WC.

        He really loves to namedrop, the little cunt. Bet he’s trying to brownnose his way to a gong as well.

  3. Can’t cunt Monty, seems like a very affable chap who got very upset when his beloved dog passed away. I think you are right – it is the rough-hewn, outdoor types with the purposeful, strong working hands that gets the ladies frothing at the gash. Don’t ask me why.

    Just go with it Ron. Gives the missus something to moisten up over, which on the face of it, really isn’t a bad thing.

    • Wonder why old Jack Hargreaves didn’t have the same effect.

      Perhaps it was the pipe, beard and the general content of the Out Of Town series (bee-keeping/fanny trapping in Suffolk, anyone?) that killed any lady fantasies stone dead?

      • Jack Hargreaves, half a century ago he was on ‘Out of Town’ on Southern ITV at 6.40 Friday evening. I loved the programme as it signified the start it the weekend.

      • Spot on with jack hargreaves, simpler better times back then. A lot of his programmes are on that infernal yootoob thing.

      • Agreed Paul, he should only worry if Monty turns up on his doorstep in nowt but his wellies offering to show Mrs Knee his prize winning marrow in the greenhouse.

      • Jack Hargreaves, despite his rustic appearance, was on the board of directors of Southern TV.

      • Jack was an icon of cultural continuity. Captain Scarlet and Out of Town were my two favourite programes as a short trousered nipper. Once and memorably labelled the dace as “…some fly fishers think of it as the ‘Cape coloured’ of game fish…”

    • Moisten up? It’s more a case of wetter than a bank holiday weekend.

      I could maybe understand it if it was Brad Pitt or that bloke off ‘Thor’, but Monty Don ffs?

      It’s not even as tho he could really be deemed a bit of ‘rough trade’, like that Jimmy Nail bloke. A woman I used to work with had fantasies about him in an Armani suit. She’d positively swoon.

  4. Well, I don`t want his seeds anywhere near my trench or lady garden, thank you very much.

  5. Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off, think I’m being stalked….

      • @Harold

        Not getting any orange pips…but myself and 3 unnamed cunters did send 4 feathers to someone who shall also remain nameless.

        We won’t wait for them to be returned.

      • He means he grassed Fiddler to admin, Harold.
        With his 3 fellow fantasists.

      • I can see 2 members of the Torch and Pitchfork Mob who went all verklempt when Dickie turned tail and ran have weighed in…there’s a fucking surprise.

        Take on one and you take on all.

      • Fiddler’s theme song!

        Actually, I have obtained video footage of the Troll Lord and his minions when they first encountered the dreaded “Rabbit” button:

        https://youtu.be/LMDA1iDqPFQ

        Just exactly what do you mean when you accuse me of pushing? You and your fellow mobsters have been pissing and moaning and throwing shots at me ever since chicken Dick ran away.

        And when he was here you were all too happy to join in when he was trolling me with impunity:

        “You tell him dick! We’re right behind you Dick! Tell him again Dick! Tell us what to say and we’ll tell him too!”

        And you’re still doing it to other posters:

        “I remember when Dick made you cry! Didn’t Dick make you cry? I remember when he did!”

        Dick is gone. I have no idea if he’ll ever return. So please, stop whinging and suck it up Buttercup.

        Life goes on.

      • Luckily your not in the least bit bitter or twisted about it..🙄

        I’ve realised you enjoy being the victim General!

        Always bleating about being bullied,
        Even if I leave you alone you push, dig,
        Till I slap you down!
        You enjoy it.

        Your like some kind of battered wife who likes the drama.

        Not related to Meghan Markle are you?

      • Yeah! I’m the fucking victim! That’s why I mentioned the other posters you and the rest of the Torch and Pitchfork Mob are going after…because it’s all about me.

        If this forum allowed personal messages I’d PM you a clue.

      • “Not related to Meghan Markle are you?”

        He had a black girlfriend, you know. Could be Meghan is his idiot bastard daughter… 😳

        Evening Miserable. 👍

      • Evening Ruff👍

        Hope you are well?

        Id leave him alone Ruff but always with the little digs, he loves it.
        He just cunts cunts I’ll do the same.

        He’s definitely not a full shilling.
        Fiddler had his number right.

        Actually felt a bit sorry for him at one point,
        More fool me.

      • Jewish Space Lasers
        Senator Marjorie Taylor-Greene
        The Odious Kevin McArthur
        Trump and Epstein were friends
        The man who bought the Chicago Bears
        The one link and one link only mantra was created by me

        Tell us again COTY how you appreciate hearing other opinions even when they are demonstrably and provably untrue.

      • Still at it?!!!

        You just can’t stop bleating can you?

        Look , I don’t like you because you offend me.

        I’m offended by the grassing, bullshitting,
        Playing the victim,
        Your pompous blustering,
        Your shameless arse kissing and brown nosing.

        You don’t carry yourself like a man.
        I’m embarrassed to be talking to you.
        Your not worthy .

        As for the COTY it bugs you doesn’t it?
        You’d of loved it ❤️

        It means nowt to me.
        It rightfully should of been Fiddler.

        You haven’t even the decency to be ashamed of being such a limp, whining little groveler.

      • Evening Mis, RTC.
        Custard has been on my case since he’s coughed up on here, but his low rent, fifth grade trolling isn’t a problem.
        I suppose I should have googled the old company boss before repeating the office rumours about him, but hey, who on here hasn’t posted some shite they half read somewhere?
        Some daily.
        Yes, I got the swivel eyed bitches job wrong, it was congresscunt, but she is a massive cunt, and she did say Californian fires were caused by a space laser owned by a group of people including a well known Jewish family.
        MacArthur? Fucking spellchecker, I knew it was McCarthy, unfortunately I didn’t check it before the pedants jumped on it.
        As always, it’s never the content.

      • @ Gutstick

        All that pales into insignificance compared to Bullshitter’s ludicrous claim that “Zelensky outlawed all political parties except his own and imprisoned his political opposition.”

        Just one of his many blatant lies.

      • Indeed, RTC, many many lies.
        I don’t keep a list though, that’s what women do! 😂😂

    • Who could’ve imagined that a topic as innocuous as an affable TV Gardening presenter would contain such a row?

      Only on IsAC.

      It’s the IsAC version of Godwin’s law

    • As an aside MNC you seem to have really got on another poster’s wick not mentioning any names cough….cough…..🐆🐖

      • Evening Harold.

        You referring to the Chump chappie? Bullshitter’s simpering assistant. 🤣

    • This is Fiddler level discourse. Future participation is pointless.

      I’m done with this thread.

  6. Monty has very little opposition.

    Alan Titmarsh (suspected uphill gardener).
    Alan Carr (raving iron).
    Michael Portillo (badly dressed puddle jumper).
    The cunt on the bakery show (he bakes cakes…. Nuff said).
    Gary Lineker (fucking cunt).
    Alexander Armstrong (balding, toffee nosed cunt).

    All the newsreaders are either black or tanned.
    The weathermen are all gay.

    Your wife is normal Ron.

    • Im surprised by this!
      I never knew Monty got them wet.
      Maybe he’s packing?

      Monty Dong.

      • Its a cross all gardeners must carry Miserable, most of my time is spent fighting off middle-aged housewives and randy pensioners than actual work.

      • @LL. You speak the truth. Us men of the soil are irresistible to women.
        I think it’s pheromones, or blood, fish and bone fertiliser.
        I’ve had a number of er, ‘ incidents ‘ over the years.
        Saucy comments are virtual daily occurrence.
        My favourite one was from a stunning blonde
        MILF, who actually said……
        ” Is that a dibber in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me ? ”
        She then giggled and gave me a cheeky grin !
        Fook me ! You could have run a flag up it.
        I was forever pleased to see her.
        Another one, a divorced social worker, who was as mad as hell, actually set a deck chair up and plonked herself down with a glass of wine, whilst watching me toil in the midday sun.
        ” Are you going to take your shirt off ? ”
        She breathed huskily.
        Fook me ! Flagpole time again. 💪
        It’s great being a gardener 👍
        I’d do it for free.
        But they insist on paying 😁
        It’s a jungle out there 😋😉

      • Afternoon Mis.

        Poor old Ron. Maybe he can start fantasizing about Gardeners World milf Rachel de Thame?

    • Apparently Jeremy Clarkson is right up near the top of the table.
      Strange creatures these women!

      • That odious cunt Steve Coogan likes to think he is a ladies favourite, but he isn’t. And he really hates it when birds don’t fall at his feet and go all giddy.🤣

  7. I seem to recall he had some heart problems some time back.

    No doubt caused by being chased all over hill and dale by over excited middle aged ladies.

    I much prefer the Monty who booted Rommel out of North Africa but fair play to the gardener fellow for being a sex hero of the rose garden.

    Oh,and fuck the BBC.

    • I used to like that big ginger pisshead Charlie Dimmuck.
      Bet she was a well dirty ride?!

      And unlike the missus wouldn’t moan if I kept my wellies on.

      • No, your right Ron.
        Think she’s been drinking Baby Bio on the job ?

        Swelled up like a 70s wrestler didn’t she?

        Ps
        If she told no one I’d still give her a rattle on the compost heap Ron.

        Out of kindness.😁

      • You’re a scholar and a gentleman Miserable, taking pity on her like that. A man of principle, with a noble mind and a noble heart.

  8. Whenever I grow Savoys in my garden I like to have them in two rows.
    I like a dual cabbage way….

  9. Percy Thrower was a bit of a lothario. Popped many a lady’s cherry by all accounts.
    One look at the size of his dibber and…….

    • Indeed GT. When Glitter and Saville had finished spitroasting a 10 year old out the back of the Top of the Pops studio, Percy Thrower would get sloppy thirds on the condition that he’d strangle her, dismember the body and bury it in the Blue Peter garden.
      That time in 1983 when the garden was vandalised was a worrying time for Percy, as Shep dragged a partially exposed decomposed child’s leg out of the ground and presented it to John Noakes.
      Janet Ellis and Simon Green helped to cover it all up. Terrible goings-on.

      • Perhaps the cunt could be snorkeled by the elephant that shit on the BP studio floor.

      • I always wonder what happened to that ringpiece-bruiser Michael Sundin.

        I reckon that Peter Duncan received Sundin’s swollen goods at his back door, so to ward off the risk of blackmail, with the able assistance of Simon Groom strangled him during sex play at Groom’s farm in Dethick and then buried him at the bottom of the Blue Peter garden pond, weighed down by a couple of Percy Thrower’s steel gardening buckets filled with concrete.

        That garden pond, if I recall correctly, was ominously coffin shaped…

  10. I’ve just mentioned him to Mrs Cunter.

    She says that he can stick his dibble in her bush and tend to her clematis any time that he wants.

  11. Monty Python, not Monty’s Python Ron.
    Television gardeners peaked with the wonderful Percy Thrower.
    He always wore a clean collar and tie, and looked like a gardener👍
    I bet he had a stack of Playboy and Men Only, tucked under his potting bench.
    To a tender young Sarah Greene, on her debut in the Blue Peter garden:

    “Come over ere’ young missy-let me show ya why they call me Percy!”

  12. I forsee this thread becoming a veritable dung heap of horticultural double entendre.

  13. I was offered a job with a small farming collective, which at first sight appeared okay, that was until they told me that they wanted to pay me with their produce.
    I thought about it, but eventually turned them down. I couldn’t work for that, the celery was unacceptable…

  14. While it is true that, “The English have always been very keen on gardening.” Some might say that, “Fliers are gentlemen, not peasants to dig in the earth.”

    However, if it makes the ladies swoon then I say…Dig, baby, dig!

  16. Fruit and vegetables, sounds like the Labour front bench.

    Anyway is that the bbc?
    No thanks. Unless he can turn the match of the day cunts to compost.

  18. Not all women love him.
    Sis says she’s not keen on him, but he does know his onions!

    I’ll get my coat.

  19. I had to Google Mexican Salma mentioned in the nom.
    Fucking hell she’s fit.

    • I’m surprised you needed to look her up Infidel. Barely a day passes without Ron getting lathered up about her on here.

      • Imagine popping yer clogs and finding two of those waiting for you in heaven, to play with for all eternity…

      • A delightful thought indeed Ron.
        However I fear I am likely to croak many years before the magnificently-endowed Selma. I suppose if they were otherwise unoccupied I could always ask Yul Brynner and Telly Savalas to stand in for her.

    • Salma Hayek? To borrow a line from Del Boy, ‘For a moment, I thought Right Said Fred had just walked in’.

  20. That Dr Hilary was the same. Made the over 50s ladies wetter than an otter’s pocket.

    I think it’s all in the soft, but we’ll spoken voice (and the smile) and wearing a nice, designer, bespoke shirt. Little open at the neck.

    Gilfs leaving puddles of fanny juice everywhere (advice for Thomas.)

    Oh they like a nice barnet too, so might need a syrup.

    If all else fails, there’s always the chloroform soaked rag and the mattress in the back of the van

    • ‘Well spoken’

      Listen you fucking cunt of a phone, if I want an apostrophe, I’ll let you know.

      We’re not all illiterate cunts, you piece of shit.

    • Tell you another one.

      Did anybody see the dramatisation of ‘oop north’ novel ‘North and South’ on the goggle box a few years back?

      Richard Armitage played mill owner John Thornton, all whiskers, frock coat and simmering glances. The wife and all her mates were wringing out their panties.

      The cunt.

      • Northerner have that effect on women Ron.

        I go darn sarf?
        Go in a chippy an say in my rich Roger Moore sounding voice

        “Chips, pudding peas an gravy luv”

        I need a scuba mask the women are that aroused!

        It’s Northern Soul🤘

      • You won’t get gravy on chips down here Miserable and I don’t know what “pudding peas” are. Sounds filthy and northern to me.

      • Mushy peas, Freddie.

        They speak a different language in Mis land.

        They also have different views on wimminz rights not to be bundled into the back of a van and tied up with bungees.

      • If he ties a rag round his bonce and wears sandals the government will provide him with an interpreter.

      • He’ll have to pull the COTY card and say “do you know who I am?” as some immo peaceful is about to soil his chips with curry sauce.

  21. Im with you Ron on the Salma Hayek thing, i would need to be dragged away from her by tractors, Kate Beckensdale is another one, [ not that one from cold feet, the one from Van Helsing] or Van Halen as Dirty Harriet call it, fire up the tracktors.
    Dont get the Monty Don thing at all…..

    • For me it’s always a been a prime Kylie and Nicole Kidman.

      I think if I’d have managed to get a threesome with them back in their primes (mid/late 90s?) I’d have still been jizzing now.

      • I liked that Nicole Kidman too, bit skinny like but would of💪

        Dunno if she’s had a stroke or summat, but saw her on telly and her face was ‘ frozen’ .
        Really odd!

        Still looked worth a root but it’d be like rattling a ice pop or someone in a coma.

        Although I’m not against that!

      • Nicole’s looks like that cause she still can’t believe that she married the scientology bender tiny Tom.

  22. You have the advantage of me Mr Knee. Never seen the cunt and only know what’s in your nomination.

    • Trust me CC, I try to dodge the bastard as well.

      I refuse to pay the BBC licence fee, have done for years. The wife pays it, just so that she can watch her Monty, the daft fanny.

  23. Someone said Jeremy Clarkson is a fanny magnet too?!

    It’s the perm.
    Monty Don like Jeremy has a bubble perm.

    Art Garfunkel too
    All the birds liked him.

    Surprise the missus Ron!

    Get down to “Deb-on-hair” the hairdressers on the high street .
    Be on the safe side start wearing wellies all the time.

  24. ‘Montagu’ ?
    Cuntagoo would be more appropriate , the fucking ladida plum stroker.
    OBE for what, sticking plants in the ground ?
    Verdict: Righteous cunting.

  25. I see tax avoiding cunt trumpet Lineker has dodged the tax bill.
    I can see that prick be made king on the 6th of May..

    • If an asteroid smashed into earth and wiped out virtually all life, that cunt would dodge it.

      Absolute world class cunt.

      • Well, Linekunt is propagating the ideology of the Establishment so of course he doesn’t have to pay tax. That cunt knows how to play the game. He was a goal hanger then and he’s a goal hanger now. Fucking horrible cunt. No Walkers crisps have passed my lips for years and never will.

    • Dodged another bullet that lad. Won’t last forever though. HMRC are godless cunts. They always get their man………..

      Well, that is unless they are told to back the fuck off by the powers that be.

  26. Monty has the masculine attributes that feminine lasses crave.

    He’s tall, he ain’t a bad looking lad (bit wrinkled but many a good tune played on an old fiddle), he’s a gent, he’s practical (he’ll get your mower revving and belching out a thick fugg of blue smoke when you’ve left the cunt out over winter), he’s a man of the soil (not like that , monty would NEVER do that), and he’s completely unpretentious. I’d love to cunt Monty in some ways but for me he’s a bastion of wholesome masculinity and that’s something currently the world lacks. That’s why the lasses love him. The dude is dripping with testosterone in an very passive way. I salute Montgomery River Don. I can’t cunt him……

    ……and for that reason….ahm ooot!

    • I think he’s got a touch of the tar brush.
      Pube hair
      Hangs out in the long grass
      An a Carribbean sounding name.

      Harmless like.
      But I’d still deport him.

      • Ole Montgomery Donbass would sort your veg patch out Mis, wouldn’t be any canker on your tomatoes once he’d had his way with them. Let him stay. He’s a good lad

      • He can stay but he’s under your supervision.
        Keep him away from Ron’s missus,
        And tell him to keep the music down!
        😁

      • Fuck that, I’m not listening to his loud music when I’m trying to watch shit on YouTube.
        He probably loves Jazz. Not New Orleans stuff, weird stuff. Miles Davis shit. Wtf was that about? Sat through two hours of miles Davis on the off chance of feeding the pony once. Never again

      • What about that Monty Film Miserable? Not, not ‘The Full Monty’ the much more interesting-‘I Was Monty’s Double’

        Can you act yourself?
        I mean he acted himself acting himself, acting another.

        The real Monty was an ‘actor’ in theatre of war.
        At el-Alamein.

      • Of course I’m a fine actor Miles,
        I should have tread the boards in my youth but fell in with bad influences,
        Teenage drinking and loutish behaviour.

        It could of all been so different,….😞

        Makeup!!!

      • Just thought-John Mills was in it. He was in ‘Ryan’s Daughter’later.. ‘acting the idiot’.

      • ‘Monty’s Double’, cracking film.

        Some of the WWII stories would be rejected as too outlandish to be true if some scriptwriter had just made them up and put them forward as a idea.

        ‘Operation Mincemeat’ was another.

      • I saw that Miles.
        Don’t think they accounted for the 20yrs between the photos being taken?

        But lots of political figures DO use doubles.

        Kim il Jung uses Judi Dench.

      • ‘I Was One of Mad Bad Vlad’s Doubles’.

        Another triumph for post Soviet era Russian cinema. Four of the actors involved have since disappeared without trace, one broke every bone in his body tripping over his own foot, and two were found floating in the Moscow River.

      • Biden used a cabbage as a double for a while. He stopped because he was offended once he realised that reporters thought the cabbage made more sense.

      • See that?!
        Unbelievable.

        Babbling about ice cream as a afterthought mentions the dead kids in the school shooting!

        Way to go Joe👎

      • Putin has a double?
        These sort of rumours fly about every now and again…

        Hitler lives in Argentina
        Lord Lucan lives in Uruguay
        Osama Bin Laden lives inside Dawn French

        That type of thing…

    • I like the bloke.

      Cares about his dogs. I prefer mine to most people so can understand that.

      Not afraid of hard work or getting his hands dirty unlike Alan Titchmarsh who just watches other people grafting.

      Doesn’t give it the whole climate change, net zero “message” unlike that plank Cwis Packham (who I bet secretly wants to get his end away with his step daughter).

      • And I bet he’s far too manly to be seen dead having country cream gates like some sort of fairy 💁

        😉😃

      • He should do Jeremy Corbyns front garden.
        It’s a fuckin tip.

        Nowt wrong with country cream gates.

        Chuck Norris has them.

        But the cheap ones.
        Non artisan.

      • I like the man. He is a man. Traditional man. I reckon he is tolerant to blue hair but there’s no fucking way Montague would EVER rock blue hair. He’s trad. Man of the people. Would fix your mower for nixie. He’s got the skills to pay the bills.

      • Yeah all joking aside, Monty’s okay.

        You’ve all no doubt long figured out that this was very much a tongue in cheek bit of cunting…

  27. Some other cunts who wimmin inexplicably drool over…🙄

    Gordon Ramsay – Pug faced obnoxious cookery cunt

    Benicio Del Toro – Droopy eyed Werewolf cunt

    Harry Styles – Womens hairdo closet chuff diver cunt

    Angus Deayton – Smug unfunny has been cunt

    Richard Whitely – Dead Countdown cunt

    Benedict Cuntberbatch – Aliens have landed luvvie cunt

    Harry of Hewitt Markle – Ginger gremlin pussywhipped royal bastard cunt

    Michael Buble – Modern day Engelbert autotuned cunt

    Daniel Craig – Woke 007 mardarse garden gnome cunt

    Paddy McGuinness – Talent-free professional northener cunt

    Robbie Williams – Ex-Take That lardarse cunt

  28. Imagine the ‘But… But it’s sexist’ whining we’d have got if the Full Monty film had been about women, and especially if it was attractive ones. Actually, there should be a ‘Full Monty II’ with half a dozen famous glamourous ladies in it. But, which ones?🤔

    • Norm-they did it with that “Calendar Girls” shite.

      If they did a wimminz remake of The Full Monty, it would be blue haired trogly-dykes, body positive fatties and effnics.
      😢

  29. It appears our friend Gary has won his appeal against the taxman.
    And so soon after his ‘suspension.’🤔

  30. Blokes can be just as daft. In the early 80s there was a middle aged mania for Sue Lawley. And in the 90s it was Charlie Dimmock. Now? it’s smug cunts like Victoria Coren Mitchell and Emily Maitlis. Don’t see the appeal of any of them….

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