Phobias (i.e. an extreme or irrational fear of something) are at best unpleasant, and at worst, utterly debilitating. They can make life unbearable if they get out of control.
I should know. Ever since enduring a prostate cancer scare a few years ago, the very mention of the word ‘cancer’ puts me in danger of shitting my pants. I’m carcinophobic. The wife’s an arachnophobe; the mere sight of even a tiny little money spider reduces her to a gibbering wreck.
Phobias come in all shapes and sizes, and are often weird and wonderful. You might be scared of clowns, in which case you’re coulrophobic. Petrified of string? You’re linonophobic. The list goes on and on…
But here’s a new and truly bizarre one for me though. Emmerald Barwise, a 36-year-old model, admits to being ‘poophobic’ **. Indeed, the lass is so troubled by the problem that she once collapsed on a photoshoot after baking one for an amazing two weeks. Struth.
I do draw the line at her going on C4’s ‘Know Your Shit; Inside Our Guts’ to bare her soul on the subject; there’s such a thing as too much information. Nevertheless, speaking as one who regards a sit on the bog with a good book to hand as the spice of life, I can only imagine the trauma that the poor lass must endure.
Poophobia must be a terrible burden to labour under every day, and I’m sure that I speak on behalf of all of IsAC’s membership when I extend deepest sympathies. Just let it all go girl, let it all out. Trust me, it’ll be a load off your mind.
** Yes there is indeed a medical term for it; it’s called ‘coprophobia’.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
A model? Been on Channel 4? In the Daily Fail? What a load of bullshit.
9
What I curled down into the bog yesterday morning is enough to make anyone poophobic, believe me ……
12
Try smelling some poor fucker that’s shat themselves whilst they have C-Diff… The smell of ‘Satan’ Blair’s breath.
11
Or the stench of e-coli following incision of peri anal abscess. Now where’s is that cheese?
6
Bloody hell mate, whatever you’re paid, it ain’t enough.
8
Pity it hasnt spread through our esteemed shirt lifting community.
13
This has given me an idea for a new ITV “celebrity” game show.
Four lavatory pans, Ant and Dec, and a team of Kweer Charmer, Yvette Cooper Lady Nugee and Mandy Mandelson and they have to sniff the contents of each bog and answer the question – Whose Turd is That?. The winner at the end of the evening receives the Golden Lavatory Brush. There could be a game involving the public where six lucky contestants have to fart in the face of each panelist and the man or woman who makes Dame Kweer pass out wins a cash prize. On second thoughts they could call it The Krypton Farter.
17
“Celebrity Knockout “
8
Jeux sans Merde.
7
That is worrying.
2
I can assure you Harry every contestant would be treated fairly and equally. For the week prior to the recording they will all be on a diet of baked beans, tinned peas, lentils, brussell sprouts and sulphur tablets, and just so Lord Heseltine and Steve Bray are not excluded, they will be allowed to submit the contents of their colostomy bags.
7
The dec-ant cunts should be used as laboratory brushes.
9
I am practised in the art of baking one, for a day at most. This comes from never having a shit in the school bogs – something bad always happened to anyone using a crapper.
16
The worst thing about using the school bogs was the razor sharp Izal toilet ‘paper’
You could rip yourself a new one with that stuff.
https://retro-hen.com/2018/04/05/izal-toilet-tissue-and-the-cubicle-of-pain/
3
Izal?
You were lucky!
We had Bronco.
https://www.londonremembers.com/subjects/bronco-toilet-paper?memorial_id=11099
2
Bronco?
You jammy bastard!
We got the sandpaper cuttings left over from the woodwork class.
3
Jacob Rees-Mogg used to wipe his arse on the bigger boys cocks.
Allegedly.
4
Nowadays he wipes it with Boris Johnson’s scabby knob.
(Allegedly)
😂
2
Just what I want to read at breakfast time. I am sure the admin is a sadist with his scheduling!
11
I doubt Philip Schofield has this phobia. He loves the smell of shit that much, his knob permanently stinks of it.
19
I suspect having a dump will be deemed racist because shit is the colour of brown and is seen as a waste product and therefore offensive and racist blah blah
16
And banana shaped, Techno.
7
You know Techno, I’m actually surprised that some race-baiting loony grifter hasn’t actually tried this one on before now; poophobia is actually a subliminal hatred of coloured people…
8
Mine are white like the old dog poo’s I use to see as a kid..
Wonder what happened to them?
4
If that’s not a joke, I suggest you see your GP.
Seriously.
3
‘People of colour’ Ron, not ‘coloured people’.
Please try to keep up, old boy.
7
White shit is a lonely turd.
4
I apologise profoundly if I’ve offended anyone Geordie, and am deeply ashamed.
I really must educate myself on these matters. There must be an inclusion and diversity course somewhere that can tell me what a deeply racist white person I am. £600 for two days…
6
Sorry Ron, you are out of the running for the job at the Welcome Medical Trust charity.
6
Darn it LL, I really fancied a move to Landan as well…
5
I really enjoy my daily ride on the jobby-engine. It’s the highlight of my day.
10
Saturday’s my favourite day
It really is a hit
I have a home colonic
Followed by a shit.
2
I’ll assume the lass has never been bummed then.
Another high for British journalism.
The cunts.
11
The poor lass will end up with having to use a colostomy bag for life from Tesco, after all the damage she’s done to herself.
5
I’ve recently told her my nom de plume and she shit herself. She’s recovering well after listening to some of my music.
2
It all started when going for an interview for a job and a dyslexic told her to take a shit.
2
Poo Phobia? Yep/ I see enough of that every day. Endless shit pans pass en route to the sluice, Shit stained pads in black bin bags, and christ! the skidders on me own shit pad are enough to curdle the milk on the cornflakes.
8
She’s probably just a mental?
I love a good shite me!!
You can tell a lot about your health through the consistency of your droppings.
Dry nuggets?
Probably your vegan diet isn’t as good for you as you think,
Sloppy , squirting hot liquid?
You need some roughage boy, calm it down, no foreign muck!
I’ve just given birth to a healthy brown baby,
The spit of Sadiq khan.
He’s scuba diving at the bottom of the khazi.
What’s for breakfast?
19
👍😁😁
12
Did one this morning, if you’d a put a couple of palm trees on it, it looked like Tracy island.
Blue Peter keep your sticky backed plastic…💩
19
Thunderturds are go! 😃
8
I was suffering poophobia last week.
Then admin kindly removed Gordon .
13
Ha ha! A trolling turd, flushed down the khazi, then the skidmark wiped with the brush!!
8
‘Admin – kills all known Trolls, DEAD’.
8
Fiona Bruce on Antiques Roadshow.
‘Which of these turds is good, which is better, which is best? What do you think madam, the one Lord Chinless keeps in a box under his bed here at Inbred Hall, the one from the BBC archives scraped off John Noakes’ Y-fronts after he’d climbed Nelson’s Column, or the one I’ve just curled out in front of the cameras?’
6
Fiona sits with a panel of turds and a whole audience of crap every week on question time, geordie..
7
The audience will be crapping every turd they say.
4
The column was Nelson’s turd.
2
I always liked the two phrases…
Sending a sausage to the seaside and Dropping the kids off at the pool.
6
Yesterday I got a job moving a load of bags and suitcases,
The customer was a Albanian!
Moving out of temporary accommodation into a maisonette flat on a rough estate in Stockport.
When we got there it stank to fuck of dogshit,
The smell was so strong you gagged,
And upstairs you could hear the culprit barking,
A Pitbull.
The Albanian was fuckin gutted.
Welcome to the land of milk and honey!!😄
Said to him
” bet you wished you’d stayed in your own country”
14
I wonder what initiated this fear of poo? Maybe they crapped themselves in public once?
The Horror.
6
Speaking of phobias, the term ‘Islamophobia’ always amuses me, as if fear of Islam was in any way irrational.
Here’s a brief selection off the top of my head:
9/11, 7/7, Manchester Arena, Bataclan, Charlie Hebdo, Mumbai, Bali nightclub,
David Amess, Lee Rigby, Berlin Christmas Market, Promenade des Anglais in Nice,
Paris Metro, Orlando nightclub, Sri Lanka Easter bombings……
I could go on, but that lot will do.
Ergo, fear of Islam is not irrational, it is entirely rational.
22
I suffer from aslanophobia, a talking lion that’s not right..
8
That’s a very interesting take on things Geordie. Never thought of it that way before.
Fear of Islam is entirely rational.
9
And “extremely” justified…!
1
Worked with an ex royal navy lad many years ago who’d served on the royal yacht brittania , he said he got one of the queen’s turds dried out and varnished mounted on a plinth….
Probably true, he was a bit odd…..💩
8
There’s a turd museum on the Isle of Wight. They’d probably pay good money for one passed by Her Maj.
Mind, how would you prove it was one of hers? Maybe if she had piles at the time the blue colour might clinch it.
Or perhaps ‘Fake or Fortune’ could do a programme on it.
8
https://www.visitisleofwight.co.uk/things-to-do/the-national-poo-museum-p2029291
Four quid to get in. The Great British Sense of Humour in action.
Ffs!
7
who in their right mind doesn’t have an aversion to shit, are we seeing another attempt to normalise degeneracy?
4
Knew a lad from Yorkshire that shat in a pint pot and left it on the pool table.
Landlord didn’t have a sense of humour and barred him
7
After all the ale I consumed last night, what landed in the pan this morning could be perceived as rather terrifying 😁
Perhaps I should have sent a picture to Channel 4…
2
Some pub landlord that one.
Miserable bastard.
2
I rather like Theophobia ~ The fear of God.
2
Sorry to go off topic. Anyone have John Motson in the dead pool?
3
I suffer from xenophobia. Especially African Americans. Surprised I’m not first to say it.
7
Negrophobia can be added too.
4
It’s coprophiliacs that really make me wonder.
Morning all.
7
The coprophiliacs should put an ad for coprophobias in the lonely arse column.
9
My Dad would do the most offensive shits a man’s ever done . So bad that i vomited in the sink .
I must be a shitophobe
6
angije have John Motson in the Pool?
1
As cunted by my good friend, Willie Stroker.
https://is-a-cunt.com/2018/04/john-motson/
Morning OC, all.
3
I liked him tbh. Peter Drury is better for his raw passion but Motson was still entertaining.
1
And morning RTC. How’s things?
1
Things is a bit shite (pun intended) at the moment, tbh, but no doubt we’ll get through it. 😏
2
I am profoundly buscoprophobic – I fear cacking meself on the bus. But not as much as the other passengers…
Waaah! Nurse…!
2
She feels bloated? Well not going to the toilet will do that for you. Anything for a bit of publicity.
Looks like anyone can be a model these days. She’s a fat ink-stained attention-seeking slag. And her shit stinks.
3
What I find bizarre is how the lass thought that not having a dump for days or even weeks was ‘normal’.
Ffs.
5
She should go to one of Ugandas seminars on the gays “eat da poo poo.
2