Hardened Toenails

Posted on by

As I’ve got older my toenails seem to of toughened to a stage where I need a angle grinder to cut them,
And a Dremel to round them off.

No sock can withstand them.
I could eviscerate a antelope with a casual swipe of my foot.

They’ve become akin to stone.
They should make body armour for soldiers out of my toenails.

But why?
What possible evolutionary advantage is there in a middle age man having granite toenails?

I use a clipping off them to open corned beef tins.
Better than those little key things.

Image Link

Nominated by: Miserable northern cunt

90 thoughts on “Hardened Toenails”

    • When I was very young, I bit my own toenails. Much to my mums displeasure. She would coat them with some vile tasting varnish, or whatever it was, to stop me chomping. To her further annoyance I would grow an immunity to the taste. It’s quite amazing the things you could do when you were a kid.

      • Outstanding m’lud!
        The tastes, talents and experiences of the IsAC fraternity never cease to amaze me.

  3. Yes, they are a fucking curse. I am quite tall, and sense of balance is not quite what it was. I have to spend a lot of time getting in the right position. Used to use my sparks sidecutters, but realised I was blunting them. I should go to a farrier.

  4. @Miserable:

    You ARE The Dandy’s “Desperate Dan” and I claim my £5 DC Thompson voucher👍

  5. I recall my dear old pa using a pair of tinsnips from his shipwrights’ toolbox; shrapnel flying everywhere, bloody near blinded the cat!
    Happy days.

  7. Grab yourself a Mr Green kit.

    These really are the badger’s ballsack.

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Manicure-Pedicure-Clipper-Stainless-Professional/dp/B087QBCY18/ref=asc_df_B087QBCY18/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=430875689978&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4854855174105297447&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007115&hvtargid=pla-934812740588&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=103002119507&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=430875689978&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4854855174105297447&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007115&hvtargid=pla-934812740588

    • Thanks Paul. My personal care kit is on its way out and that looks like the perfect replacement.

      The blunted scissors are going to ensure I don’t accidentally stab myself in the scrotum again.

      • Thanks Odin.

        I just spat wine all over the coffee table.

        What’s worse is I know exactly what you mean.

      • I remember an unfortunate scroum incident, when my dad discovered that the start on heated towel rail was knackered…
        “Frying tonight!”

  8. Cut them immediately after bathing, Mis.

    I do, and use ordinarily nail clippers but you do need to do them regularly, not once or twice a year.

    • Christ.
      The cures worse than the ailment.

      Bathing?!
      In winter?

      Drag the bathtub from the air raid shelter into the parlour and get the brush and rubber duck out?

      I’ll wait till spring.😁

      • You’re just bullshitting us now Mis. You being just a youngster us older cunters know that you are embroidering tales you have heard from your elders. Some of us from the boomer’s generation had that experience for real.

        Sliding off topic as you are an expert on the Peaks our elder who lives up your way wants me to accomany her up Kinder Scout. Can you recommend a good route bearing in mind my great age? I’m really not into mountaineering or route marches. Cheers.

      • Hello Arfur👍

        I can as it happens.
        Drive to the village of Hayfield.
        Keep going past a pub called the Sportsman and you’ll come to a small car park looks like a quarry.

        Park up and walk towards the reservoir.

        Steep at first but once near the reservoir it flattens out .
        Walk round the reservoir and you’ll come to a fork in the path.
        There’s a bridge over a stream,
        Take the left-hand path called Williams Clough.
        It’ll take you up to the peak and Kinder downfall.

        Take breaks an proper gear the weather can change quite quickly.

        The stream up there is the freshest water I’ve ever drank.
        I drink from the stream but if you prefer a flask of Bovril take that.

        Enjoy it, let me know how you get on.👍

      • Many thanks for that Mis, really appreciated I assure you. We’ll certainly be going up there within the next few weeks when she has some time off and I’ll be very pleased to report back. Again, thank you.

  9. An odd one that Miserable. All part of life’s rich tapestry I suppose.
    The wife has the opposite problem. Her’s are brittle, and she spends a small bloody fortune on stuff to harden the fuckers off.
    Still, better than hemorrhoids, I’d venture. Having one of those cut off really is a cunt.

    Evening all.

    • Evening Ron.

      That particular delight has yet to visit me, I’m pleased to say.
      So has the hardened, hoof like toenail.

      I wonder if it’s related to the work you do, manual v desk based. Teel toecap v Gucci loafers?

    • Ron@

      Tell the missus to add gelatin to her diet.

      Jelly , wine gums etc,
      They seem to help with hair and nails?

      Make it into a sexy game if you want?

      But it works.

      • Thanks Miserable, I’ve just passed the tip on.

        As for the ‘game’ bit, she wants suggestions…

      • Mrs Knee could lick jelly and cream off your body?
        You supply the custard!

        But be a trifle polite…

    • She probably has athletes foot Ron.
      Sometimes you can have it without the usual ichy, flaking skin.

      It’s a fucker to get rid of.

      Try Lamasil tablets.
      In can take up to a year to go completely.

      Tell her to talk to her doctor first.
      Lamasil is good stuff but can cause a problem for some vulnerable people.

      • Terbinafine tablets are better go to the doctors and ask for those. Gets rid of fungus, might even do your scrot rot too. That’s if you can get an appointment with Dr Anusol inspecting immagrants for tropical diseases.

    • Don’t get me started on corned beef cans.
      When I manage to open one and remove the contents without slashing a digit to the bone, I throw a party!
      Fucking things! In this day and age, you’d think they could vacuum pack it in plastic!

  12. Hardened toenails.

    You looking at my bunion, did you spill my curnail.

    Have you got the biffa bacon of nails mis..

    • They look like something dug up on Time Team Baz.

      But then I’ve very ugly feet around.

      The missus and daughter call them ‘ werewolf feet ‘
      Flat, no arch, hairy, and a size 13,
      I take my shoes off kids start crying.

      • Same here.
        My feet genuinely look like they came out of the bins behind Castle Frankenstein.

        “Shitcan those Igor. I do have standards…”
        “Yes master”

      • Hehehe 😄
        Same BB.

        An my toes are all the same length and look like fingers!

        Ugly as sin.

      • Mine look like Hobbit feet, almost as wide as they are long, but not hairy.

        It’s a family curse, passed on to Elder, but fortunately not the delightful Lass.

        Missed the Younger, lucky!

  13. I used to ‘do my toenails’ every Saturday.
    Went to a chiropodist last weekend who did them for me.
    Absolutely shat myself beforehand I don’t mind saying, cos everyone’s got their ‘thing’, and mine it appears is feet.
    He was great.
    Felt like I was walking on air since, a whole week.
    He was very complimentary about my “beautiful feet” and I felt next time I should charge him for the privilege of handling same. He was that enthused.
    Anyway he said just show them some attention every 2 months or so. More than that – it interferes.
    Long story short – according to the professionals, leave your toenails alone. And pop by them 2 or 3 times a year to sort out anything untoward. And if anyone wants pics of my apparently ‘beautiful feet’ hit me up, lol.

  14. Can’t see what the evolutionary advantage is either.
    Or for added hair in the lug holes.
    And less hair on top.
    I wouldn’t mind becoming temporarily deaf when my wife starts up though.

  15. Corned beef tins? Really, Les Mis.
    That’s like dog food for peasants.
    Next you’ll be chomping on a Protein Insect burger.

    🪲 🍔

    • I’m very common really Maggie,
      I know that shocks some fellow cunters but it’s the truth.

      Love corned beef 💪❤️

      Never eat bugs though.
      That’s for Jackie Chan’s .
      The French will take to it no bother!
      They eat slugs as it is.

    • Saw an advert for McDonalds Insect Burgers today (Yarmouth, Norfolk). No doubt they will charge the same as McMeat Burgers.

      It is taking the fucking piss.

      Much like charging 0% alcohol at the same price as normal booze.

      Cunt off !!

      • They’re already in German supernarkets.

        “Ve haff vays ov may-king you eat ze leetle crickets. You vill eat zem und you vill be happy.”

      • Bug burgers? Fucking disgusting. I hope this is the first nail in the MuckDonald’s coffin. So, why is it ‘OK’ to eat bugs and ‘not OK’ to eat other meat? Fucking vegan woke wnkstains.

        Insects? We’re not chinks, you know…🤢

      • The tide is turning against woke in all its sickening guises.
        Wee Burney thought she’d get away with putting a male rapist in a women’s prison because he’d become a trannie. Sturgeon thought she was being woke, and she thought woke would get her more points ans kudos.🙄

        Also, if these stupid fast food cunts take Big Macs off the menu and replace them with locust burgers, the chav masses will burn every MuckDonald’s to the ground.

        As Rommel said ‘There is a difference between obeying orders and blind stupidity’.

      • Only the worst kind of limp wristed woke vegan hipster snowflake soyboy turd would eat an insect burger.

        I know a lot of horrible chinky crap has infiltrated Britain – from shitty electrical goods and badly made Christmas jumpers to contagious diseases – but we don’t have to take up their disgusting eating habits as well.🤢 What’s next at ‘Mucky Dee’s’? Bat Burgers? Fillet of Snake? For fuck’s sake, the dirty pigs….

    • Corned beef? That’s luxury in a tin to Argies.

      Give Maradona a slapper, some cocaine and a corn beef butty, and the little cunt was in Heaven…

  16. I hear they might be interested in your toenail clippings for frag grenades in Ukraine Miserable.

  17. Mis Walk barefooted in the peaks, following a rainstorm-then get Mrs Miserable to take plaster-castings if the impressions in the ground.
    Could be an earner👍

    Bodmin has its large black cat.
    London has its P.aki midget.
    Bigfoot of the Peaks has a certain Ring to it👍

      • Know that footage they play of Bigfoot on TV shows CG?

        Walking and he looks back at the camera?

        If they cunt had a bald nut and not such a fat arse he’d be a dead ringer for me.

      • That one you speak of is a FEMALE Sasquatch, note the swinging tits…

        https://youtu.be/TjhhFj3Vua0?t=9

        Bit of an odd decision to add tits to a fake suit. That’s a REAL primate, bipedal. I don’t see why people make such a big (pun intended!) of this creature. It’s real, leave them be, move on.

      • Gordon @
        I saw a documentary on the Patterson/Gimlin film and they had a load of scientists analyse it.
        Latest technology etc.

        They thought same as you.

      • They are just mammals. Leave them be. We’ve pestered every critter on Earth and the last thing we need to see is them explained by David Attencunt.

        “Long thought to be a a myth, these majestic…”

        Oh, fuck off and die already, you tedious Beeb cunt.

      • A fitting end to the old cunt though, Gordon.
        He is the biggest ducking climate hypocrite on Earth-the thought of him jetting off to film Sasquatch, to end up having his bollocks ripped off by a 7’ tall, 350llb female Bigfoot on a blob-strop, foils me with joy😀👍

  19. You think thats a problem….you want mine. Both my big toes curl upwards (there some fucking medical term for it) which means unless i wear steel toe cap boots which provide some height for my toes, then i get through a pair of socks everyday where my toe nails cut through them. Even a primark prices for socks it cost me 6 quid a week!

  20. Nothing, not even talk of Les’s gruesome toenails, can dampen the joyful news of today.

    “Och aye, I’m resignin’ tadae coz ah’ve bin such a fookin’ disaster and failure te Scotchland.
    Ah’m only a human bein’ who loves ma cuntry, ma token husband, and those luvely trännîes ray-pishts.
    Freeedam!

    Excep’ fram the EU!.”

  21. The steel toecap boots, that I had to wear a few years ago really fucked up my big toenails. I ended up taking the metal cap out, then just had to pretend they were safety boots. I guess though the worse of all forms was the ingrowing type. A close friend suffered quite badly with this condition. Not a pretty sight I can remember.

    • I met a guy a few weeks ago who had HUGE steel pipes dropped on his foot which was inside a steel-toe boot and he still got his foot smashed, never worked again, poor guy. The steel boots are good for wee bumps, but they don’t protect you against a proper accident.

  22. Horses feet specially the big heavy breeds like Shires in a really dry summer can be next to impossible to trim up, like fecking iron.

    • I can’t believe that I’m actually the site owner and I had to log in to approve my own moderated post lololol

      • What do you think of the site these days? Good? Too serious? Too many song links to YouTube?! 😀

        Thanks for running a site like this, I really enjoy it. Cheques in the mail. 😉

      • I thought John Wayne *
        was the boss?

        * (John Wayne avatar,
        Not the real one obviously)

      • No, the Freemason guy is the owner. Not sure why a Freemason would start a site like this to be honest, but he seems like a proper Mason, not these morons who join now to get the secrets of the Universe – and free booze.

        In a way, this site IS a good deed that a Mason would undertake, even if it’s got an evil menace like me on it! 😀

        An idea I had was to get rid of the ticky likes button, it’s stupid. If someone likes a post, let them SAY SO in words, in a post, that we, we get a better metric of which posts are good and which are shite. Not mine, mine are ALWAYS AMAZING! 😀

        It’s just words on a screen. And links to shit music.

        Let’s have fun!

      • Also made famous in the film Shawshank Redemption. The poster through where Andy Dufresne makes his escape. Never sure though how it got itself stuck back on the wall, after he had gone.

  24. I recon that bird in the header pic is about to perform a ‘Toesectomy.’ Don’t think she’s looking at what she’s doing either. Pretty girl though. Makes a change of late!

  25. I remember when I played in the school football team and both of my big toenails came off in the same match. One was a bad foul (the dirty cunt), while the other was simply hitting the ball awkwardly. The boots I had on were crap and the socks were white before they turned red. A shitload of blood comes out when a toenail comes off, but it’s never as bad as it first looks.

  26. I wonder if improved nutrition or calcium supplements are making toenails stronger? I was convinced that eating All Bran not only is good for constipation but also facial hair growth.

    I have to use a strong pair of toe nail clippers these days.

  27. Every 2 weeks – Dremel and ‘Coarse’ sanding drums (I bulk buy on Ebay) …..
    …. have to sand down the hard skin on the feet too

    Middle age and Diabetes is a B*tch 🙁

  28. My left big toenail is a bastard. It’s like concrete and I have to use surgical/industrial pliers type clippers to get the cunt.

Comments are closed.