A ‘Are You Sure That Fucking Table’s Big Enough’ Cunting for cunts that sit at a table in a cafè/restaurant that has more places than they need, please.
You know the scenario: two fuckers, usually fat bastards, walk in to a cafe, plenty of two-seat tables, but no – the selfish spawn of fucking Satan sit at a table for four or six, so the three of you are crammed around a fucking table for two trying to eat your full English. Inconsiderate, selfish, ‘Me Me’ Cunts.
(This may or may not have happened to me, today. Wife and daughter with me so not allowed to remonstrate with the fuckers).
Happy fucking New Year.
Nominated by : DCI Gene Cunt
Agree DCI, but I’ve been in a few eateries where the best views (say of the beach) are tables for 4. I’ve grabbed them when with the Mrs.
Why should some cunts have them just because they’re more popular or have brats in tow?
Fuck that, I’m having it if it’s free.
And sometimes those tables for two are near the bogs or are too small and awkward to eat on.
If they’re like that, I’ll take a bigger table and everyone can get to fuck.
16
In fact, on holiday with the Mrs in the Maldives a few years back, we both took a table for 4 and sat next to each other to enjoy the view of the beach.
Fuck every cunt else, we’re on holiday.
12
Actually a good point, well made. I can remember a family holiday, eight of us, with the same scenario. Two cunts sat at a table for eight – two parties of eight in the hotel, two eight place tables, because it had a nice view, despite the fact that a table for two was available next to it with the same view. They were fucked off and moved, sharpish.
5
Yeah I’ve noted more and more that cafés in particular are asking for customers to wait to be seated. Our local café was always having to turn groups of three or four away, or ask them to wait, because of one or two people plonking themselves down at a table for four, of which they had only two.
Now they seat people; it was bad for business most of all.
4
When I’m sat at a table with the missus and her friends or relatives I’d rather be sat at a table on my own than listen to their jabbering. Especially her sister the hippo.
Morning all.
18
Yes I agree.
The selfish cunts that sit alone at a table for four, with just a coffee to watch the football.
They could easily sit at the bar and free up space for people who want to eat.
But as it’s the bar owner that is losing business then it’s up to them to ask the cunt to move.
And I suppose it’s down to the restaurant and the style of food.
If the food comes on a single plate (or a fucking cardboard box) then only small tables are necessary.
It’s the Chinese and Indian restaurants where everything comes in individual portions.
If their tables for two are too small then there is no room for the array of dishes and drinks.
Things have to be shuffled around and you get worried that stuff will fall off the table.
You invariably manage to dip your sleeve into the Vindaloo or Chicken with Black Bean Sauce.
In those restaurants I will always go for a bigger table.
The restaurant owner should have thought about things in advance and not tried to squeeze as many tables as possible in a small space.
10
Did you order that side of P.aki jizz, Artful?
Cos’ if you is white and eating in an Indian restaurant (85%+ actually Pakistani run), then you is gettin’ that special sauce😉
10
I will not go to an Indian restaurant unless the chef is Punjabi.
Always ask, and note if there are Indian people eating there as well.
It’s always a good sign because Indians will only eat from Punjabis too.
Unless things have changed a lot in the UK you will find that most Indian restaurants are actually Bangladeshi.
And they are notorious for being filthy, disgusting cunts.
7
For some reason Mr Creosote was I my dreams last night (not in a sexy time way.)
And here he is first thing on the nom.
Spooky.
Next time brain/Uri Geller psychic energy, I’d like the winning lottery numbers for next week, rather than predicting ISAC’s first nom pic if that’s ok?
Fucking typical.
9
‘in’ not ‘I’ my dreams…
4
As long as your Monty Python related dream didn’t give you a hard-on that could cut glass, there should be no need for therapy👍
Morning Cunty👍
5
Cafes? Restaurants? I prefer my Islington dinner parties with the Starmers, Lammys and Nugees. You really are a dreadful collection of plebs.
Cunts.
17
They would never allow this at the legendary Wong Keis, in London’s Chinatown. Notorious as the rudest restaurant in the UK, if you arrive alone or in a small party you will be rudely inserted on a table already occupied by other diners where there is a spare chair or two. If you complained you would be told, in effect, to fuck off.
11
If they tried that with me it’d end up like a scene from a Bruce Lee film, with chefs coming out from the kitchen with baseball bats and sexy waitresses doing flying kicks is sussies and high heels.
Back in five minutes.
13
Although it’d end up with me getting kicked to fuck as reality hits home that I am not, in fact, Jackie Chan.
13
Wong Keis. Went there as a student with four pals. We were sent up to the 5th floor and the gruff waiter sent us to a table with four chairs.
We pointed out there were only four chairs not five. Another chair careered towards the table like a bullet from a gun; the waiter then looked at us and shouted “fucking shut up and sit down”. Best experience ever. The food was superb and impossibly inexpensive. Chopsticks only.
9
Yes, only chopsticks. If a diner asked for a knife and fork he’d be told to shove where the sun doesn’t shine.
4
Last time i went there they were unbelievably polite. Shame, as i had a friend staying and we went there for a trip down memory lane and the rudeness of old.
6
Sadly, the restaurant has changed now with impeccably polite service. I hear the profits have gone down as well.
5
I was thinking of this earlier, I went a few times late 80’s, they’d stuff you on a table with 10 people already seated and the abuse you got there was legendary, but great food.
5
I will only sit in a seat at a cafe/restaurant that is facing the door and is next to the fire escape….this is in case The Gays or The Coloureds enter and I need to make a quick getaway….not that we get many of that sort in the circles in which I move,obviously.
21
I’m with you on that one. Never sit with my back to a door or a window, and always know where the exits are especially when it’s crowded 👍
11
All joking aside, I have PTSD, (dead babies do that to you), so have to sit with my back to the wall and know exactly where the nearest exit is. I can’t sit with my back to the room.
9
I have several mates who are serving/retired military-they are all the same-always like to keep the door/ windows, in view.
I am exactly the same.
I prefer good quality, loca pub food, nowadays 👍
7
If I discover that I’m in a Spacca-run cafe, I announce loudly ” For Fuck’s Sake….is Joey fucking Deacon frying the fucking eggs?” before bolting out of the wheelchair-friendly door,confident in the knowledge that I’m unlikely to be run to earth unless the Sunshine Coach has recently been turbo-boosted.
10
There’s only one reason I wouldn’t eat in a mong cafe.
I’d be genuinely worried about them dribbling in my food.
Makes me a cunt, I know, but I couldn’t eat thinking my lasagne had probably got loads of Deacon dribble on it.
And do you think they wash their hands after wiping their arses?
9
No😢
6
I knew it.
Youve watched Dean Lynch Ward on YouTube and totally bottled adding his cunting.
So that was a waste of time. Now that cunt is gonna be an even bigger cunt than he already is the fat kebab cunt.
(By coincidence there’s a scheduled nomination of “Manc the Plank” (one of yours I believe) due to go live in the next week or two – Day Admin)
5
Fuck me, calm down. What comes between ‘P’ and ‘R’ in the fucking alphabet? Yep, ‘Q’ – and you’re (possibly) in it. If your Nomination is viable, it’ll be posted in good time. I posted this Nom ages ago and it’s just appeared. Anyone’d think that this bloke you’re on about had given you a panneling and ran off with your missus, the way you’re harping on about him.
Stop whinging and be patient.
(Thanks, Gene. Sometimes nominations can take several days or even weeks to be published due to various factors such as trending/topical issues and scheduling availability. Legal issues need to be considered also. – Day Admin)
13
OK thanks.
I just thought you might of been scared that’s all since Dean Lynch Ward is Dougie Joyce’s cousin and he runs Manchester.
I understand if it’s too much heat to take.
no the mank plank is not mine.
3
Are you a member of the travelling community?
One of our beloved ethnic minority’s, who’s colourful language and ability to “live-by-your-wits” is both inspirational & aspirational?
If so, perhaps you should be posting on our Sister-site:
Isashit-cunt.com
Hope this helps👍
11
Good nom DCI, expanding on a point you made the other day. Thing that often strikes me when I see such behaviour is the way in which it is carried out with no sign of malice. To the perpetrators this appears to be second nature and they go through life this way.
7
It’s the way society is sadly heading, arfur.
4
Not a problem out here. If there’s a space at the table, you just ask permission to join and it’s usually OK. Only been knocked back once by some old Chinese uncle. Community dining is the norm so no table hogging at the hawker centres.
5
Good Morning,
I use to run the bar at our local cricket club, lousy cricketer but bloody good barman. It had two small bar fronts and what really got on my tits, was when someone plonked themselves in the middle of the bar and prevented anyone else getting to be served. I would ask, politely, if they would mind moving and normally it wasn’t a problem, but would sometimes be told “I am a member I will sit where I like” . It was in the days of smoking and I am a big non-smoker and they would invariably light up, in which case they didn’t get served. I have only had one fight in my life and that was the cause, when things escalated a bit.
8
Off topic, I’m going to enjoy a Hadheem Zaharewe genuine Fake Away tonight…🍛
4
Dining out?
You posh blighters.
5
I don’t dine in ‘cafes’.
I’m not Dot Cotton.
But in a pub serving food I’ll take the biggest free table even if I’m on my Todd.
I like to stretch my legs,
Relax,
Scratch my balls,
If dozy cunts can’t procure a suitable table they should get there earlier,
Maybe leave their kids at home?
If it’s busy,
And a family of 5 come in , and there’s no tables?
I’ll ask to see the dessert menu.
13
Until Fiddler’s aforementioned Sunshine Bus occupants stop for a bite to eat, disembark and see you sat there and think you were off first and have reserved the table for them, so sit with you😆 And, as Cunter Of The Year, you’ll no doubt be signing beermats for them:
‘To Joey, keep smiling, love Mis’
You flash cunt.
12
No Gene-he would tip little Joey Deacon into the log basket by the fire and use his wheelchair as a footstool😢
11
🤣🤣🤣
6
Agree MNC
I have large testicles and need to spread out. I hate it when they stick to the inside of my legs. I walk like John Wayne to avoid it.
We should all join forces in dissuading families from bringing their mewling brats into restaurants by doing such things.
“Excuse me Sir, my wife and I and our five children would like your table with the view of the lake. Why don’t you sit there, near the toilets?”
“Waiter. I’d like to order another bottle of Bollinger and can you bring the deserts? After that, I’ll check out your cheese and biscuits. What time do you close? I’ll be here until then.”
And that oddboxer advert can fuck off and all.
6
I did try to create a new fashion craze for ‘dangle pants’, for the man with the more generous love bag.
It involved me cutting a hole in the bottom of my pants and letting my sack swing around freely in the open air.
According to the judge, this is ‘gross indecent and indecent exposure and completely inappropriate in Sainsbury’s or any public place’. Fucking PC gone mad is what it is, it’s a fucking disgrace.
10
Sorry for your plight CB. No doubt you will have tried the kilt method at a swingers club for singles and I can only hope that was a relief for you.
3
Cuntybollocks @
Yeah they’re like atlas stones.
Top tip.
Take a tea towel with you.
Pretend you’re using it as a napkin spread in your lap.
Then you can free the Mitchell brothers,
Let the breathe .
And nobody is any the wiser your airing your spuds.
Ps.
A CLEAN teatowel .
4
My normal sized bollocks itch like fuck sometimes and it worries me I might do myself a mischief, opening them up. Never thought of looking into it to stop them from itching, mainly because I must enjoy it.
2
Crabs
2
Never go without Nivea, is one solution.
2
I agree, leave the kids at home, they are a nightmare, can’t sit still, don’t eat the food and just take up space that could be better used for (civilised) grown ups.
Many restaurants have too many tables, let’s have some space between them (can’t sit there the waitress can’t get through), less tables and charge a bit more, keep out the riff-raff.
3
Something I’ve never understood about posh dining.
Michelin stars.
If you get them, you’re restaurant is one of the best in the world.
Ok, I get that, but what the fuck does a car tyre manufacturer have to do with pish grub?
Why not have Pirelli stars for the best ranked haemorrhoidal ointment?
Maybe Bridgestone could give stars and be the oracle for the best abortion clinics?
6
Your restaurant
Thick cunt
3
I dont agree…..well all the time.
If we are on holiday and its a buffet breakfast the two of us go for a four seater due to all the plates and glasses and cups required. By the time you’ve got your fruit juice, coffee, cereal, fry up, fruit…..and then your newspaper, there’s no fucking room on a two seater.
9
When living in Norwich, I would make a point of being up and out for 09.00 on Sunday morning to get the bay window seat at the Haha bar for a full English breakfast in a bowl and a good long browse through the Sunday Times.
They started serving booze quite early and I could be happily parked there until early afternoon, when the local twelvetoes would start to come in and tut as the bay window was occupied by one selfish cunt.
9
Sounds idillic
7
Morning Odin 👍
You eat a cooked breakfast in a Bowl?!!
Thought I was common!
Christ.
Do you have turkey dinosaurs on it?
Plenty of ketchup?
Eat it with a spoon?
🙂
8
Breakfast in a bowl, Odin?
What are you, a fucking Labrador or something?
9
Breakfast? In a bowl? Sounds like muesli, you Islington Poofter🤣 Use a plate, like us Proles.
6
😄😄👍
5
I regret nothing!!!
5
I sit where I like
An so does the dog.
Anyone objects?
The landlord will throw you out.
In summer occasionally you’ll get the odd celeb cunt in ,
Ben Fogle or someone doing a documentary on the Pennine way.
I’m hoping that cunt Tony
Robinson comes in and tries to lord it!
“Oi Baldrick.
Someone’s sat there.
And there.
You never asked if the dog bites!
I’d get that looked at.
Your lucky they might be able to save your hand…”
😁
10
‘In summer occasionally you’ll get the odd celeb cunt in’
You, as Cunter Of The Year, obviously. Not that you like to talk about it!
“Don’t you know who I am”?
(I heard rumour that Miserable was personally invited to the forthcoming King’s Coronation and the chance to rub shoulders with Jug Ears and his Lady Horse, Camilla. But he turned the invite down because he doesn’t mix with riff-raff anymore – Day Admin)
7
Remember the Beckham’s clearing an airport lounge for themselves?
MNC does the same in Wetherspoon’s now.
7
🤣🤣🤣I heard he has a Private Shopper at Lidl, too.
6
I heard, D.A, that Mis was personally asked to be King Charles’ Valet, due to his newly bestowed honour, but he told him to “Fuck off and clean your own car”.
7
I heard that next months issue of Country Life are featuring Miserable and his Country Cream gates with a newly monogrammed COTY design.
6
Something like that mis..
https://youtu.be/qypEulhiHAw
0
And another thing. Why is it that when entering an eatery me and the bread knife will pick an isolated table (because we are people watching piss taking cunts and i love farting) and people will park up next to us when the table choice is numerous. Same as in the cinema, or car parks, as in a nice leaf covered remote corner of lidl,morrissons, coop or any retail park. Fucking lemings.
4
All of the café and restaurants I have regularly frequented in the past few years have sat us at the table, we didn’t get to choose. If there are two of you, the staff will seat you at a table of two, unless only a table for four is available. And if there are six or eight of you, then you book in advance and guarantee yourself a table.
If I don’t like the setup of a café or restaurant, I just suggest we leave, there are loads of other places. If something is going to ruin the experience, be it loud cunts, shit staff, shot menus, then just walk out and find a better place.
11
Two of you Gordon?
Did you take your mam out?
😄
6
Who are you? Claire fucking Rayner?
5
“six or eight of you”…
Does Tams Offal House let you have the monthly meeting of the Flat Earth Society there Gordon?
5
Don’t listen to em’ Gordon-they are jealous of Scottish cafes-it difficult to find an establishment south of the border that serves full butter shortbread with 12% super strength lager-the breakfast of kings👍
8
Anti-Scottish stuff has no affect on me, I don’t defend how shit the people here are. I know that I am a windswept warrior radiating warmth, wit and profound sagacity who lives a life serene bliss due to all my BitChute-derived esoteric knowledge and the etheric emanations from the Creator I channel through tinfoil hat, autographed by David Icke and glazed in spunk by Alex Jones.
But seriously it’s 2023, make the best of it and get off the internet more, get out more and enjoy life, try to be less negative, chaps. Look at Mr Gutstick Japseye – I just got an email from him saying he has moved to Mauritius and has opened a modest mosque, which has a Jacuzzi in it and he seems happy. Good on ye, GJ! 🙂
Play a record…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vdxnqMAeqI
Never gets old that one! 🙂
10
I’ve calmly walked out of places in the past year due to them being shit or have obnoxious cunts in them. You just don’t make a big deal out of it. There’s always a place within 5 minutes walk that will be good.
Sadly, not everything is like this, ie. NHS clinics, airports and the secret society I am in where we abuse the fuck out of kids. Honestly, some of those kids we ritually rape have no manners or gratitude. Modern life, eh?
9
Noisy cunts in cafés are a pain. You know the type; they come in five or six at a time to hold a ‘meeting’. Buy a coffee each, spread out their fucking laptops, then spend the next two hours loudly going on about cash flow, sales projections, supply issues et al, to the absolute annoyance of every other patron who just want their bacon roll in peace.
Cunts.
Morning all.
8
Whenever I drive past cafe’s whilst I am “aaaht & abaaaht” (©️ B&W Cunt)-if it’s before 9.0am, they are frequented by Pie-keys and other times, the great unwashed, enjoying the benefits of their benefits👎
7
Fucking wimmin are the worst. They turn up to an eaterie with their revolting satanic offspring and pushchairs the size of a Scorpion Tank. The bastard kids also bring their toys with them and make a fucking racket. And the wimmin all sit toghether and natter endless blabbering babbling crap at an ear splitting volume. Bastard cunts.
5