As Elvis might have said, ‘Lord have mur-see!’ You’ve got to laugh, because the only other alternative is to burst into tears at the antics of HM Inspectorate for Prisons.
After a random visit to HMP Northumberland, the inspectors have slammed the nick for ‘not prioritising diversity and equality’, and also for providing ‘inadequate support to minority groups’.
Apparently LGBTXYZ inmates were unhappy with the fact that they weren’t given enough opportunity ‘to meet with each other’; Ffs, it’s a prison, not a social club. Also, the inspection report indicated that it was ‘difficult’ for lags of a certain inclination to obtain make-up and women’s clothing. Christ on a bike, whatever happened to the notion of a prison uniform? It’s not a fashion house, you cunts.
Nevertheless cunters will be pleased and relieved to note that prison management has acknowledged its abject failures, and is working to produce an ‘action plan’. We can all sleep a little more peacefully in our beds tonight then, knowing that Big Harriet on E Wing will soon have easier access to Ladyshave and false eyelashes.
Well, the lunatics may not have quite taken over the asylum yet, but they’ve certainly taken over HM Inspectorate for Prisons. Gawd ‘elp us.
Nominated by : Ron Knee
Prison uniforms depending on which way the arrow is pointing. Down for normal, up for poofs.
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Horizontal arrows for swingers.
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https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/three-female-guards-jailed-illicit-28867854
Seems like good, old fashioned creature comforts are still available on the inside if you know where to look.
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Made me smile the way the reporter describes it as “illicit affairs”. For fuck’s sake, an illicit affair is something that happens in the office! What was happening here was a quick blow-job in the bog!
And anyway, it’s a result of the government allowing female prison officers in male prisons (and vice versa).
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The women look so… dead, it must’ve been more like necrophilia.
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I see that amongst all the ‘ethnicity’ training, ‘diversity’ training and what have you, the screws (no pun intended) at this slammer now have to undergo ‘anti-corruption’ training.
Ffs, what else do they need to be told about this one day one, other than ‘you do NOT, repeat NOT engage in intimate relationships with the prisoners. Ever. Period. Or your feet won’t touch’.
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“…..support for protected…..minorities…..diversity….”
Presumably, these “vulnerable” minorities are in prison because they were caught, prosecuted and imprisoned for committing crimes against society?
Why then, should they receive “special privileges” whilst serving that debt to society?
Abso-fucking-lute cuntishness👎
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Great CG. That’s edu-fucking-cation for you.
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C-G, there should be more diversity amongst rapîsts. It’s discrimination I tell thee.
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Wonderful nomination, Ron.
I look forward to a remake of Porridge starring Eddie Izzard as Fletcher. Only this time instead of ‘snout’ being the prison currency it’ll be mascara and lippy.
Incidentally isn’t HMP Northumberland where Fiddler did time for indecent exposure to Gemma Arterton?
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I’d like to see the episode where Fletch works on the prison farm looking for an easy life. With Izzard in the role it’ll be so he can get fucked up the arse by a boar.
Ham sandwich, Eddie?
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It all smells of Jailhouse Cock to me, & Elvis will be turning in his grave.
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Perhaps it could improve matters if this Inspectorate was immediately abolished and the troublesome inmates taken into the exercise yard and shot.
The stupid pen pushing Cunts.
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I admire a man prepared to take a firm line on such matters. It’s long overdue.
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Might as well let them all out if that’s what prison entails nowadays.
Playing dress-up and invites to the debutante ball.
Oh and I hope the prison inspector gets shanked next time with a sharpened dildo.
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At least the prison riots would only be scratching each other’s eyes out.
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Or chucking aids infected baby batter at each other limp wristedly.
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Instead of sewing mailbag I wonder if the prison inspectorate now prefer to see the old lags knocking up a cocktail dress for their Friday afternoon mince about the exercise yard? Shouldn’t be hard to track down “Doris” (né Bernard) when he / she / they go over the wall in a size 24 LBD and stiletto heeled prison bootees.
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Bloody sad that, would have thought our prisons were leading lights in the treatment of alphabet people and minorities. Turns out this one in particular is a hotbed of fascist, bigotry and prejudicial opinions. Tis a sad day when a child rapist, robber of the elderly, stabby gangsta etc can not exercise his right to put on a wig and a dress and mingle with fellow perverts. Even deviants have feelings (usually when performing an horrendous sex act on a toddler). We have to remember that their beliefs and customs are to be respected. Bring on the bomb this is getting surreal
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Why not go the whole hog and have mixed prisons.
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I think they already are Sammy.
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If you’re in prison you don’t get makeup and hair products ffs, tell me I’m right?
If you’re a man you definitely don’t get makeup.
If you’re a man in prison and you think you’re a woman then practice sucking cock and shut the fuck up.
Prison is an all expenses paid holiday, as I’m paying you get the minimum possible.
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But what is a ‘man’, never mind a ‘woman’ these days, Sixdog? Things were much easier in maaahh day…
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I’ve posted a couple of noms in the past regarding the “modern” prison and how some of them are a million miles away from what they used to be. In essence cells are more like dorms with all mod-cons including TV and internet access.
Quite frankly we’d all be better off in the nick – 3 meals, nice dorm, plenty of exercise and central heating with no bills to pay. (I read somewhere that some prisoners are suing a prison or the Home Office moaning about their cells not being warm enough and that their human rights have been breached because they’re a bit cold)
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Oh like every cunt on the outside then?
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Was that the episode where Lukewarm’s boyfriend came up with the wives & girlfriends on visiting day ‘cos Fletcher wrote all the inmates a Dear John type letter? By the sounds of it I bet the visiting day coach trip to Northumberland nick resembles a Freddie Mercury look a like day out to Brighton Pride festival.
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Sorry, wrong spot. Refer to Geordies post above rd Porridge.
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It makes me wonder where it all ends, to be honest.
I can just imagine it; kosher and halal options on the menu, not to mention veggie and vegan. Counselling for hurt feelings, anger management courses, advice on benefits for when you get out…
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I imagine it ends when social services drop kids to the MAPs for conjugal visits.
Up is down, down is up. It’s here and now.
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We are at least halfway there, Ron:
3.1 Key outputs that apply to all prisons are:
● Prisoners will be provided with 3 meals per day. As a minimum this provision will
include breakfast, lunch and evening meal.
● Drinking water will be made available to all prisoners at all times.
● A multi-choice (minimum five choices), pre-select menu including a minimum of one
substantial hot meal choice per day will be provided for the lunch time or evening
meal.
● The menu cycle will be for a minimum of 4 weeks.
● The menu will reflect the diverse needs of the establishment’s population.
● The menu provides information which enables prisoners to make decisions about
their menu choice.
● Prisoners are consulted about and can make comments on the catering provision.
● Stakeholders are consulted about and can make comments on the catering
provision.
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/911992/psi-2010-44-catering.doc.pdf
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The children’s meals – for childishly getting caught.
Still Water – to remind them they’re still in prison.
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‘Stakeholders’ ffs. This kind of managementese boils my piss.
Who the fuck are the ‘stakeholders’ in this case anyway? The lags? Fucking bread and water, and a luxury cheese slice on a Sunday if they behave.
Wouldn’t it be nice if our-stressed out, wrung out veterans and needy elderly got the same sort of focus on them?
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Exactly, Ron. BTW have you noticed how many real words are deprived of their actual meanings in order to make a management cunt look (to the ignorant) erudite? E.g. “quantum”, “tectonic shift”, “organic”, “systemic”, “journey”, “granular”…all of which may describe a “pillar” upon which rests a “platform” bearing more bollocks.
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Komodo, my all time favourite bit of managementese is ‘I’ll take that on board’ ie ‘I’ll completely forget that as soon as I’m through the door’…
I hate corporate cunts.
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Ron – if only the RNLI would adopt that usage when circling the immo boats, mid-Channel!
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Long haul air passengers flying economy aren’t treated as well.
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Category A prisoners will be going spare when they get wind of this.
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Prison inspectors on-wellbeing are bound to do a U-turn on future visits.
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HMP not what it used to be, and further diluted by the Companies for cash like SERCO and G4S. It is a sad fact that Prisoners run these establishments, a lot of the staff are “Runners” and the top Management fucking useless sponging cunts.
Google the murder of a taxi driver in Peterborough Prison. He was not the only one.
Todays Inspectorate are nothing less that Libtard shitheads, and I don’t care what is said, Deffo on the payroll !
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February is LGBTQXYZyibbleyibble Month, apparently.This is linked to a different school subject each year – yup, it even infiltrates primary schools. This year: media studies. It honours LGBEtc luvvies, cameramen, best boys and grips. (Oo-er, Missus.)
In HMP I imagine the operators of the CCTV system will be getting soundly buggered, then.
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https://tenor.com/view/ooh-matron-kenneth-williams-carry-on-camping-gif-20834898
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I will be counselling the Gradly Lass to get herself in a corner and have a zizz while the teachers ( trying desperately to look and sound like they’re on board with this shite) run through the spiel.
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Time these cunts were burned at the stake. Weirdos, freaks and Harold sick of hearing about them….. fuck em fuck em all.
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For years homos cried about being sent to prison for bummery now they are falling over themselves to get there. One great fucking orgy paid for by the taxpayer. No wonder all these Albanian drug dealers can’t wait to get here. If you get nicked you just get moved from one hotel to another.
Cushty.
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Sounds more like a bathhouse than a prison.
Here’s an idea. A cold stone cell with two concrete ledges to sleep on. Shared with another inmate and a bucket to shit and piss in in the middle of the room.
Once a day, the letterbox opens and they get two pieces of bread each, an apple or orange and a glass of tap water.
But no, let’s give in to the demands of these criminal per v er ts instead.
This country is finished.
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You have to do an awful lot of bad shit to get locked up in the first place but you can see why these cunts don’t fear prison. For cunts like us it would be disastrous but for these lowlife shitheads they have a better life than they do on the outside. Especially for stinking immos.
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It’s their ‘human rights’ innit.
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The HMP Inspectorate soft woke cunts who came up with this shite report should be locked up with the lags for a month then asked if they still think these are the priorities the penal system need to concentrate on rather than punishing the lags for the offences they’ve been locked up for in the first place
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Indeed.
Perhaps then sanity would prevail.
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