Wound Dressings

Now an odd nomination you have to admit, but what exactly is a wound?

It would seem in modern day speak it is a puncture to the skin that can be catered for by an Elastoplast or maybe even a blob of blue tack!

This could very well be due to my far from normal upbringing and a rather unusual first aid back ground.

My version of wound, is Gun shot, knife, severe or nasty and I expect a fuck off big adhesive pad to cater for it!

in all honesty I have had to cut most dressings down to cover wounds, so rock on 30 years and chuck in a bit of surgery.

I have just had a little bit of surgery, I have one wound Morse coding up my leg at two feet, second leg 3 holes each 4 inches in length.

Anyway I chose to have a bath which will require a dressing change, so I removed the jigsaw dressing made by the lovely nurse and got into a lovely bath of antiseptic and hot water to soak.All went well, a lot of dead tissue separated and left me with 3 points of concern and I dutifully dried making ready for my new dressing.

On opening the packet I discovered that the “wound dressing” would not have covered my knee as a child when I came off my Raleigh Grifter and was more suited to covering a large boil.

Wound? name a fucking inch square wound that is not a graze! Fucking woke, big up merchants have no idea what a wound is!

Fortunately, being of the Blue Peter Generation I was able (without sticky back plastic) to make a continuous dressing that did not touch the wound line (fucking 4 out of a pack of 5 that cost £3.99 per pack) .

Now I have patched myself up, glued my legs together, but fuck me the woke generation have a lot to answer for, do you wonder why there is an overload at A&E?

Buy a wound dressing from boots and you will find out!

Nominated by: lord benny(not quite deceased, but close)


43 thoughts on “Wound Dressings

  1. For sheer frustration, try checking a first-aid kit and discovering that a couple of the bandages are missing…ask the lads what happened to them and get told that someone had a shit,had no arse-wipe and decided to use the fucking contents of the first-aid box instead.

    • Our work first aid kit has pretty much fuck all in it now as so much not allowed to be administered unless to are a professional or have qualifications. A few plasters, maybe an eye wash, a roll on bandage and some safety pins- that’s it.

      If you graze your knee you’re fine otherwise forget it.

      Health and safety state you have to have a first aid kit and a trained first aider, but then health and safety also state itmes that require specialist application or medicine such as asprin cannot be included. They must lay awke at night over the dilemma they have caused themselves.


  2. Boots will have the ones needed to cover wounds caused by drawing pins, especially this time of year. And the plasters that you nearly bleed to death, while trying to extract them from the wrapper.

  3. Maybe plasters have had to be reduced owing to the Cost of Living Crisis that nobody in the pub seems to give a fuck about?

    Anyhow,all the best LB.

  4. I’m as tough as fuck. If I get a wound I bite the fucker off and get on with my embroidery.

  5. A roll of insulation tape has saved the day on many occasion. One size fits all and waterproof to boot. The padding bit on an Elastoplast is for pussies and not required.

    • I’ve found that the padding appears deliberately designed to stick like shit to a blanket so that removing the plaster re-opens the wound, so then I need another plaster. Clever marketing really.

      I once learned the hard way not to pick up an oxy-torch by the nozzle and had a severe burn that went bad. Fckn stunk and was green. Had all sorts of potions, lotions and tablets, constant dressing changes, all no-worky.

      The old dear next door got hold of me one day, scraped all the shit out of it with a teaspoon handle, washed it with whiskey and sprinkled it with talc. A smear of Vaseline to seal it. All good in week 😁

  6. I like to dress a wound in a smart suit, collar and tie. Just because it’s a wound, that doesn’t mean sartorial standards should be allowed to slip.

  7. There’s a lot of cunts walking around with an open wound below their nose I’d willingly tape up.
    It’s pretty much true though, you’d think some of them had undertaken open heart surgery, my mates wife carries more medical shit in her bag than a Ukraine field hospital.

  8. I get my dog to lick any wounds I get……if it works to heal a dog so quick then it should work on me. You ever seen a dog with a cut on its leg……….pissing blood one minute, a few minutes licking and following day it’s go a fucking scab on it. They should market dog slobber in Boots

  9. I wonder if there is a ‘Wound Kit’ behind the Shropshire Bike Shed….it probably also contains some incontinence pads.

  10. Feck me I have had some wounds in my time shoeing, nails goin in fingers and being ripped out as the nag leaps forwards opening finger for 2/3 inches slices from razor sharp knives and burns up me arms I look like a self harmer with the scars now best thing for burns I found was to lick and spit on em took sting away. Plasters useless on rips would fall off with the claret oozing through em tissue paper and duct tape worked well.

  11. Seems to me you need two pairs of hands to apply a sticking plaster theses days, what with all the backing that needs to be peeled away before applying the said plaster.
    And then it comes off!🤔

  12. Spent most my working life accidentally piercing or slashing the flesh on my fingers and hands.

    Bog roll and tape has worked every time for me.

    • True Herman,

      Pisses me off when I hear some lap-top-tapper moaning how knackered from work he is.

      When was the last time they came home from work with bloodied or even broken fingers, pissing with sweat, covered in shite?

      I saw a guy lose his hand at work once. Another one knocked clean out by the swinging arm of a JCB, nearly killed him.

      Fckn lap top? Wankers.

      • Elton John’s come home from work covered in shite and sweat.
        And other things.
        And with broken fingers.

        Don’t know why, playing the piano?

    • In my last job as a lion tamer I had my arm bitten off three times,
      And once my jugular ripped out.

      I make a concoction of moss, honey, and birch bark.
      24hrs good as new .

      Plasters? Elton John uses them.

  13. Wound ( 2022 ) Oxford Revised and Sympathetic! Dictionary. Oxford Press 2022.

    Wound. Adj. A hurtful word that causes distress. A feeling of exclusion by race by colour by creed. A suffering inflicted by another, usually a white person.being subjected to impoverished and disadvantaged circumstances by way of inferior status. The ungaurded misuse of a wrong pronoun.

    I hope this helps those of us born before 1990

  14. I have sticky dressing on my dialysis line on the right side of my chest. Sometimes it causes no bother. But other times itches like fuck and I can’t scratch the cunt. The bastard usually starts when I am in bed at night. It drives the Mrs mad and all.

  15. When we were lads a good lump of dry dirt used to stop any bleeding, just had to be careful you didn’t pick up any dog shit with it though 💩.

    Never ailed a thing…

  16. I stock the boats first aid kits from the same people who supply hospitals. There’s some fucking awesome wound dressings and other gubbins in amongst them. Never buy anything from Boots as they are useless cunts at best!

  17. Wound or wound up?? Had a huge slinter in the palm of my hand at work. “Fist aid” guy said he couldn’t remove it, blah blah, you will have to go to hospital.
    I asked if he had a Stanley knife on him, he did. Give me the fucking knife!! Gave me it, cut the log out of my hand, got paper towel and gaffer tape. Job done. Wounds, cunts.

  18. In my line of work hand injuries are routine. Treat as follows:
    1) While bleeding, continue working and lick the blood to keep it from getting on the client’s floor.
    2) Once bleeding has stopped, put tools down, clean wound with water and pat dry.
    3) Use adhesive bandage or super glue to cover or close wound.
    4) Get back to work.
    5) learn to work with 9 fingers for the next 2 weeks.

  19. This is why I buy everything online. So I can sit at my computer looking for exactly what I want. 99% of shops don’t have what you can find online apart from food.

    If these physical shops want our custom and don’t want us to shop on the interwebz then they better start stocking decent items.

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