Film Critics

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A nomination for shill critics and over-generous star ratings for films.

I first noticed this when I used to read Empire, the film magazine. There was a trend towards giving the big, crowd-pleasing films from Hollywood four or five stars. The same happened with melodramatic ‘Oscar bait’, even when it was terrible.

Nominated for eight Oscars? slap 4/5 stars on it.

I’m not exactly a film snob (i’ve seen more of the Marvel films than an adult would dare to admit) but some of these reviews make it quite obvious these critics are getting some sort of perk from the studio. It’s the only way they could find any of the recent Star Wars films palatable, or any of the recent awful series being made by SJW cunts.

Sadly, when the critics aren’t brown-nosing studio executives and directors they find a way to critique a film based on their liberal politics.

‘Transformers’ (2007) was shit for all sorts of reasons, but I remember Mark Kermode bringing up his sixth-former understanding of American politics to criticise Michael Bay and his films in general. Those criticisms may have been valid in a general sense, but not pertinent to the actual film. He also banged on about the way Megan Fox was leered at by the characters and the camera as ‘problematic’.

It’s a film for teenage boys you greasy, rockabilly cunt! Give the Marxist-feminist film theory a rest.

He’s since dribbled over unfunny tripe such as Don’t Look Up, because it’s actually about Trump and his voters, isn’t it? It’s such a brilliant satire! Aren’t we clever… Orange man bad!

Nominated by: Cuntamus Prime

124 thoughts on “Film Critics”

  2. I’m a total film snob.

    Often writing to directors in Hollyweird telling them what I’d of done differently and why they were wrong.

    Smokey and the Bandit with dinosaurs in it? 👍

      • what I want to know is how can a t Rex wank with such short arms? it must have such a heavy pair of bollocks full of jizz

      • True Baz.
        A technicality I’d not considered!

        How about Pulp Fiction with a all star Muppet cast?

        Jules “and you’ll know my name is the Lord,
        When I lay my vengeance upon you”

        Kermit “yaaaaay!!”
        Waves arms comically.

      • He’s furry…’
        ‘and?’
        ‘He’s b-blue’
        ‘Does he look like a bitch?’
        ‘Wha?’

  3. You used to read what?
    “Empire “ the film 🎥 magazine!?

    I used the beano and later viz as my premium source of news 📰 for all entertainment purposes.

  4. Mark Kermode looks like he could be the bastard lovechild of Gene Vincent and Ronnie Kray.

    a boring, greasy, waffling 50s throwback.

    That said, Barry Norman and Jonathan Ross were not much less insufferable.

      • At least Woss and Norman didn’t need a professional film critic to help them present Film.

        Winkelmann knows less about films than my grandad (his first and only visit to a cinema being in 1948 while stationed in Hong Kong).

  5. James “cunt” Cameron has his Avatar sequel coming out soon so expect the critical fawning to go into overdrive.for the preachy CGI driven shite…

    • Or, of course, there’s the upcoming Indiana Jones 5, starring a geriatric Harrison Ford getting pushed around and ultimately replaced by that God awful Waller-Bridge woman.
      Crystal Skull is going to look like a classic in comparison 😝 but critics will wank themselves daft over it…

  6. Don’t Look Up was a pile of Shiite alright. Lady Guzzi suggested we watched it as ‘it has an all star cast’.
    All star bollocks more like.

    • I tend to find ‘all star cast’ film are crap. They seem to think…it’s actually a crap film, but if we throw shit loads of money at some hollywood stars, then the gullible will pay to see. Most of my favouriet films, tend to be low budget with a cast of unknowns. That way the film makers are relying soley on the quality of the film, and not the actors

  7. Mark Commode reminds me of a atter day version of that permed and primed old homosexual Alexander Walker, the Simon Calder of his day on the BBC.

    A critic who sneers at Carry On Screaming isn’t worth listening to, all the critics sneered at all the Carry Ons, because they were not arty-farty. That said not one critic has ever had a good word to say about one of the Boggs Pornographic Film Productions – not even when we risked life and limb at the Steaming Pussycat Club recording “Megaboobs” with the famous scene of Diane Abbott and Emily Thornberry wrestling naked in mud. It ruined my suit.

  8. Film critics, music critics, restaurant critics. All up their own arses and in it for the freebies.
    It used to be that they were there to offer guidance and stir up debate, but now they think their word is law and deliver it in the most condescending style. They’re all perpetual students who never grow up.
    Mark Kermode reckoned that the Planet of the Apes reboot was one of the best movies ever made. That should give you an idea of the mentality.
    Don’t trust the cunts, be your own critic and make up your own mind.

    • I watched Interview with the vampire the other day, the old movie, not the series.

      First time I’d seen it. And the last.

      What a pile of badly written, badly acted, badly scored, badly shot shite.

      I was astonished it got past the cutting room floor, it was just dreadful.

      • Morning T

        I remember seeing that film a couple of times back in the 90s.

        I don’t recall it being as bad as you describe.

        Time can do funny things to a man and his perceptions though.

      • Interview with the Vampire, the Twilight of its day. I remember how many girls of my age were suddenly into vampires, but not the proper Transylvanian sort, just the broody cunts with American accents.

        Gay shite.

      • Morning Herman, CP,

        It was a recommendation from my other half, who was around that certain age when it first came out.

        Even she thought it was shit.

      • The Lost Boys (1987) is my favourite of all vampire movies, series. It gets the elements balanced correctly:
        coolness of being vampire, gallows humour, levels and quality or horror and gore, beautifully designed, shot an edited, music/songs work great and the 1980s styles (Haim’s poseur cotton trench-coat or whatever the fuck it is, is dynamite duds!) and vibe just ices the cake. RIP, Corey Haim.

      • Thanks Gordon,

        I’ll take a look.

        I’m more of a Vincent Price/Christopher Lee sort of bloke, but I’ll try it 👍

    • I like to listen to the Critical Drinker on YouTube. He tells the unvarnished truth about all these woke shitefest films.

    • Anything with Mark Rylance in always seems to get the film and tv critic cunts wanking themselves into oblivion. The stillness of his performance is often mentioned, just makes him sound like a dull lazy cunt to me. Looks like a blind cobblers thumb and not above poking his lefty nose into politics instead of sticking to his day job. In case you were wondering, I can’t stand the cunt.

  9. I was a big fan of Barry Norman and his “Film **” TV series on the BBC. Dry witted, a little bit smug and pleased with himself, but as i recall his reviews were quite often balanced and fair.

    I think Mariella Frostrup had a similar show back in the early 90s called “The Little Picture Show”, which was on ITV or Ch4. But I wasn’t too bothered about what she was jibbing on about because for the most part she was a bit of a prick-teasing blond bint with her husky voice, braless tops, short skirts and on the rare occasion performing a “Basic Instinct”

    But these days, film critics are all cunts, sucking up to Hollywood darlings and studios in order to rub shoulders with the rich and powerful. And they’re willing to say anything if it means having that kind of relationship.

    The only decent film critic I ever liked after Norman retired, was Roger Ebert, but he’s long gone.

  10. The day Dances with Wolves got the best film Oscar over GoodFellas was the last time I listened to the fawning wankers.

    • My list of greatest films

      Dirty Harry
      Kes
      Jaws
      This is England
      The Vikings
      Dead man’s shoes
      Outlaw Josey Wales
      Planet of the apes (1968)
      Hateful eight

      • Where Eagles Dare.

        Hard Times.

        The Terminator.

        Valkerie.

        Where Eagles Dare again,with some nice whisky.

        You cannot beat a dead German.

      • Duel
        Snatch
        Goodfellas
        The Shining
        Dirty Harry
        The Thing (Kurt Russell version)
        Shawshank Redemption

        Probably a few more I can’t recall

      • Cross of Iron
        633 Squadron
        Barbarella 😁
        The Vikings
        Lord of the Rings trilogy
        Jason and the Argonauts.

      • Dawn of the Dead (1978)
        The Thing
        The Spy Who Loved Me
        Escape from New York
        Bad Taste

        Special mention for Demolition Man. Who’d have thought Stallone would make a documentary about the 21st century… 🤪
        “Be well”

      • The last Samurai
        2 mules for Sister Sarah
        The seven Samurai
        Ronin (best car chase)
        Blues brothers (2nd best car chase)
        Heat (best shoot out)
        Crimson Tide (best submarine movie)
        Last man standing
        Rear window
        Dial M for murder
        Mutiny on the Bounty (Charles Laughton version)
        The yearling (makes me cry)
        Notebook (also makes me cry)

    • The Wild Bunch
      Heat
      Blazing Saddles
      The Shining
      Dirty Harry
      Goodfellas
      Where Eagles Dare
      and as the festive season is approaching – Die Hard

  11. ” Critics”…be they reviewers of films,books,food etc. are invariably Wankers who couldn’t direct a film,write a book etc. themselves but get their jollies by slagging off anything that might appeal to the “common man”.

    I couldn’t give a flying-fuck what some middle-aged, failed art-student,metropolitan Wanker with a man-bun has to say…mainly because the films,books,food etc. that I enjoy are all frightfully out-of-date and unlikely to figure on the “hot” list of The Guardian’s “Pretentious Bollocks for Windbags and Emperor’s New Clothes aficionados”

    Gulag the Cunts.

    • Too many films have the “good guys” winning for my taste…

      Robin Hood…The Sheriff should have boiled the trespassing poacher in oil

      True Grit….The Outlaws should have beaten Rooster and that squawking child to death

      Con Air…..I’d have been delighted to see Sirus the Virus and his acolytes running amok

      ……and don’t even get me started on the improvements I could make to “Schindler’s List”

      • How about the lost directors cut of “Its a Wonderful Life” where Jimmy Stewart massacres his family and friends with a chainsaw, then climbs up into a clock tower with a sniper rifle…

  12. There are probably millennial and Zoomer film critics out there reviewing old films from the 60s, 70s and 80s purely to take potshots at the “outdated views”, as well as criticising all the usual transphobic, homophobic, sexist, misogynist blah blah blah, while completely ignoring the story itself.

    The classic and perennial Christmas fave “Zulu” will never see the light of day on TV for obvious reasons (even though in essence the Zulus won)

    Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry films will be chopped to pieces because Harry hated liberals and was tough on crime.

    Jaws, will be criticised for the poster imagery, and the lack of heroic black males (or even transmen) at the end; plus the animal rights groups will declare that the shark should have been left alone.

    Planet of the Apes will be renamed Planet of the Honkies (the term “ape” is now deemed hurty, as is “monkey” which is one reason why “Monkeypox” has been renamed so as to offend)

    Goodfellas – should be rebranded “Goodnonbinaries”

    All those classic films will get the woke treatment sooner or later.

    • I’m waiting for the DVD amnesty where the public will be asked to surrender “problematic” films in a bin outside their local police station…

      • We definitely need baboon remakes of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Mary Poppins, both horrifically white and really needing a diversity upload.

  13. Passport to pimlico, lavender hill mob, hell drivers. Talking pictures tv all the way. Original italian job, wargames, breakfast club.

    • Talking Pictures TV is great, but I can never get a decent picture, signal keeps breaking up. I know there is the TPTV Encore service online, but that doesn’t show everything. I’m also from Dorset, do you have same issues, or is the signal just a pile of cunt over my house?

      • shmbo had ordered me to get sky q so no problem with tptv, being in an area of lovely dorset with a cunt of tv mast which even made freeview mess itself.

  14. They can fuck off. They’re not having my copy of ” The Possession of Joel Delaney”.

  15. Ilsa she wolf of the SS, but she should’ve escaped to Argentina. The sequel, “Ilsa does Buenos Aries”.

  16. But what about Thomas The Cunt Engine’s secret porn stash? What if the woke police ransacked his stately home and discovered/reviewed:-

    Debbie Does Dallas
    Angela Raynor in “Deep Throat”
    Michael Barrymore’s “Fist of Fury”
    Katie Price’s various home videos including “Open all hours”, “Starfish Troopers”, “The Cockfather” and “Die Hard on with Vengeance”

    And these are the just the appetisers!

  17. I see will Smith has made a new film
    It’s called ‘Emancipation’

    It sounds like a Black Hero, White Villain scenario that will probably have the critics Wanking each other and singing it’s praises

    and Like ‘King Richard’ If you don’t give Will Smith another Oscar MSM will Scream Racism

    • Will it co-star his best mate, Chris Rock?

      They should do a reboot of “Rocky” together

      • Best to go straight into a remake of Rocky 3.
        Seeing Will Smith being battered senseless by an in-his-prime Mr T would have been splendid entertainment…

  18. With the nomination being about film critics whom I completely ignore, I’ll still be taking a keen interest, hoping throughout the day there might be a lover of foreign language films, similar to myself.

    • It was a sad day when FilmFour (which I was a member) ceased to be. In my opinion, they’d taken on far too much when increasing each cinematic genre with a channel of their own.

      • Trying to unscramble my memories from the olden days Sammy. Do you remember “Film International” on Channel four I believe? We were addicts. We would not be described as film buffs but some of the stuff on there was stunning. Makes me realise what shite nearly all modern television is.

  19. Are any films worth reviewing? Cartoons, CGI, Superheroes. Juvenile shite. Although we now know that Africa has the most advanced country, Wankanda. Yeah, right.

  20. Any cunter of a nervous disposition should absolutely watch “Terrifier 2’…it’ll harden your resolve.
    Probably the sickest film in existence.
    Sicker than ‘Grotesque’ (jap torture), ‘A Serbian Film’ and ‘Salo’ put together!

    • Not seen em mate, I watched The Event Horizon, and that did me for horror films.

      Went to movies to see it, thought it was Sci-fi.

      I was a wreck for a week, still makes me shudder now 😁

      • Ho ho, definitely watch it then Termujin!
        It’ll make you feel all warm and fluffy inside.

      • Fck me Thomas, I’m not a nervous sort, but that movie just had something that hit home. Extremely disturbing. Demonic, even.

      • Event Horizon was supposed to have been waaaay more extreme than it ended up, but the sickest footage was lost somehow (unfortunately).

      • About 40 minutes was trimmed from Event Horizon due to the suits from Paramount bottling out of releasing the full film. Mostly more detail concerning what the ships crew were actually doing to each other in the death orgy scene…

        Chicken shits 😂😂😂

  21. I was wondering when the dreaded M word was going to be used. Although, I was surprised it took this long.

  22. What I don’t understand is why film makers use established actors to do the voices in animated films.

    Why pay some Holywood A list star a fortune to use his or her voice on a fucking cartoon?

    There are plenty of mimics that can do the exact same voice for a tiny fraction of the price.

    And fuck me sideways, these cunts get Oscars for their voice!

    Hollywood and all other places that make films are a bunch of cunts.

  23. I watch a film if it looks like something I might enjoy, sometimes I do and sometimes not so much, not interested in fucking critics.

    Watched Clerks II the other day, hilarious and sick 👍

    Thomas Crown affair (the Brosnan/Russo one)

  24. Kermode is a dog faced bore that keeps banging on about “ Coming of age “ films whatever the fuck they are ?

  25. 12 years a slave . The story of a white bloke from Devon kidnapped by barbary pirates and taken to North Africa and sold along side Thousands of whites captives.
    The film that will never be made.

  26. Critics are like the eunics watching over a harem:
    They know how it’s done, they’ve seen how it’s done, but are incapable of doing it themselves.

    Critics are cunts.

    • I’ve never understood this thing about film ‘critics’. So they give their opinion, what do they know? It’s subjective, everyone has their own idea about what makes a good film. It could be said there’s no such thing as a bad film because no matter how crap it might be, some cunt somewhere will like it.

  27. With a Restaurant Critic you can have a wank / gob / sneeze / fart / throw tag nuts into his soup if he so happens to stroll into an establishment he’s been slagging off. How do you get your own back on a Film Critic?? Tricky one……

  28. You all better stock up on your dvd collections before everything gets banned. The last time I went to the cinema I noticed that EVERY poster was a franchise. Star Wars, Marvel, DC, Transformers etc all represent everything I hate about modern films – overblown corporate crap that’s only made to sell merchandise.
    As for other franchises:
    Terminator ruined.
    James Bond ruined.
    Ghosbusters ruined.
    Matrix ruined.
    Bill and Ted ruined.
    Indiana Jones ruined.
    Hollywood’s current strategy: keep making crappy PC/woke remakes, reboots, sequels and spinoffs, then blame racism and sexism when they bomb at the box-office.
    Finally, am I the only one who didn’t think Top Gun – Maverick was actually that good?!

    • Top Gun was pure pish, no idea why people spunk over that. Very boring, repetitive, I didn’t give a fuck about the characters. At least the original Top Gun was campy if not outright homoerotically… GAY!

      Films with planes zipping about reached their apex with Top Gun, it became a monstrous cliche to have genuine fighter-jet footage after that. Top Gun: Maverick was actually very un-cinematic, I felt.

      • Anything with Tom Cruise in it is shit.

        I have got classics like It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, Steptoe and Son, Till Death Us Do Part, Kenny Everett, Dave Allen, Spike’s Q and Bottom on DVD before the BBC Stasi bans them for life.

    • I have hundreds of films on VHS and DVDs, copied by yours truly, when the devices first became available. Long before these devious agitators were born and will be passed down to posterity, never able to be changed from the truth.

  29. Brief Encounter
    Rebecca
    Miracle on 34th Street (B&W)
    Carry on Screaming
    Dambusters
    633 Squadron
    Murder on the Orient Express (1974)

  30. Kermode is a made up job cunt.
    Mr Jolly lives next door is a very good film.
    Might watch Terrifier 2 later if work is quiet.

    • Watched More Bad News the other day.
      Well funnier than Spinal Tap. Rik is brilliant as Colin Grigson…

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