New Cars

Cars, they deserve a cunting.

I’ve recently bought a new car, a small but roomy little bugger, very cheap to run too. But..the fucking price of them now. The prices are sky high and don’t get me started on those effing electric cars, ludicrous amounts they are, for the privilege of driving a few miles then spending ages looking for somewhere to plug the cunt in. At least I can fill mine up easily.

Also, let’s talk about technology. For fucks sake, do we really need what’s rammed into them nowadays. Those massive computer screens on some look awfully distracting, mine has a little screen with some basic shit on it and that’s bad enough. At least mine has separate controls for the heater, most are now built into the screens so it’s a bastard to alter on the move.

I can see lots of accidents, ”I’ve no idea how I hit that bus up the chuff officer, one minute I was scrolling though menus and submenus to turn the vibrating ball sack feature off after I’d shot my bolt, the next I’m looking at the arse end of a bus” Fucking barmy, and not needed.


Nominated by: Bertram Cuntatious DCO

(Never fear: give it a few more years and most of us will be using horse and carts – Day Admin)

85 thoughts on “New Cars

  1. Enjoy it while you can bertram, greta thundercat and the rest of the eco loons will soon have us travelling about in hamster wheels..

  2. Most new cars have all these advanced features and safety gadgets its like Blackpool Illuminations when you turn the ignition key over.

    However, it also gives a false sense of security for the driver into thinking if he takes a few risks the car’s Health and Safety “brain” will take over and prevent accidents.

    Pity the manufacturers can’t add a metal spike to the centre of the steering wheel: that might just focus the hearts of minds of the idiotic drivers.

  3. As my dear old pa used to say ‘ what’s not on there can’t go wrong’.
    On a slightly different note, one of our friends had new central heating installed a few weeks ago. Whilst the boiler is fine getting to understand the control unit to work is proving to be a nightmare. It involves waving a smart phone ( which they don’t have ) at the fucking thing; even the bloke who installed the system admitted that he didn’t have a clue.

  4. Fit as many gadgets as tbey like in cars, but, old or new cars alike are driven by 99.9% thick cunts who shouldn’t be in charge of a fucking cocktail stick let alone a moving vehicle. There must be a compartment in vehicles that says ‘Insert brain here for the duration of your journey’. Until people are trained to drive rather than trained to pass a test, standards will remain piss-poor. As an aside, is it possibly due to the amount of immigrants on out roads that so many thick cunts try to pull over to the right, rather than the left to get out of the way of an emergency vehicle?

    I’ll stick to my old modern classic car rather than a new one, thanks. Old enough to be ‘old’, but still has all the modern gadgets I need, A/C etc.

    • The standard of driving is terrible gene, I’m stuck behind a slow poke ambulance..

      Out the way Costa is about to run out of bacon butties..😂😂

  5. Not so much cars that are the issue here, mainly the cunts driving them.
    How many accidents do we see with Asian wimminz who a barely able to see over the steering wheel?
    Add in the mix of Doshka Doshka boy racers, Somali taxi drivers, old Doris’s, flash cunt BMW drivers and FUCKING DPD vans then you really are taking your life into your hands on the road, regardless of what car you drive.

    • I once pulled up next to a huge Volvo 960 estate at the lights. Glancing over, I genuinely thought there was nobody driving. Looking more carefully, I saw a tiny fucking Asian wimminz, she was looking through the gap between the top of the steering wheel and the dashboard. There is no way she was able to see the road. Fuck only knows how she could reach the pedals, she must have had blocks of wood tied to her shoes, like Short Round in the Indiana Jones film. I was tempted to follow her but I had to be somewhere, perhaps for the best.

    • Try being a biker. Everyone of those cunts you mentioned are out to kill you each day. In my experience, the asians are just shit drivers, but the dooshkas are a fucking menace as anyone else in a vehicle is an affront to their manhood.

      • I am – never had a car. One measure to improve the learner experience for car drivers:

        A compulsory year, with proof of 3000 miles travelled, on a CG125 before even being allowed into the car.

        Anyone proposing to buy a BMW, Audi or Merc to be sectioned, until such time as a brain electrode has been developed which can read the driver’s intention to perform a turn and relay this directly to the indicators.

  6. What are those small amber lights on the front and back of cars for?
    No one seems to use them.🤔

    • I hate modern cars.
      I hate modern anything to be honest,
      But definitely cars.

      We went the pub yesterday, missus drove.
      She has a new a ford Kuga.
      We pull on a little farm trail , further up it is a footpath to walk the dog.
      She starts to park and all these sensors are going off

      Beep beep “Aah look out!!”
      Shes nowhere near a Drystone wall,
      Again beep beep “look out!!” Nowhere near.

      Then it’s screaming because I’ve taken off my seatbelt
      Beep beep “seatbelt!!”

      We are on a empty track with nobody around in the countryside doing 3mph !

      It’s a fuckin nag and a panicking mardarse.
      And you can’t turn it off.
      Got to put up with it shitting it’s keks if your remotely near anything whilst reversing.

      Fuck modern cars.

    • I think people don’t use them because they seem to think they are linked to the home smart meter, and add 10p onto the electricity bill when deployed.

    • no, just don’t, I worked for land rover for many years, and they are so unreliable, even when brand new cars have been handed over to the new owners they have broken down before the car has even left the showroom, mostly the buyers are old land rover customers and they know they are unreliable but still buy them anyway because they love the brand, at the land rover academy training centre there is an old saying, if you want to visit the outback take a land rover, if you want to come back take a land cruiser, and I know this is true as I worked for Toyota too for many years, land rover? buyer beware!

      • Agree. I also used to work in a land rover dealership and they were awful.

        In australia, the say if you want to go into the outback by a land rover….if you want to come back, buy a toyota.

    • what a bargain – £20 grand deposit and a £1000 a month! I bet there are hundreds of daft cunts who’d do this just to have the cunting thing parked on their drive. Oh yes, don’t forget the £2000 “service” every year.

    • I wouldn’t. I had a Range Rover and it was the most unreliable money pit pile of shite I have ever had the pleasure of getting rid of sharpish.

    • That optional final payment of £53,960.00 is a bargain!

      Rich man’s toy but sex on wheels.

    • Those unts in the CBi always look as if they had stepped out of the 1950s with those horn rimmed glasses – I wonder that wanker didn’t have a perm to go with it to look like once of those knitting patterns in Womens Weekly. With the mass immigration going on it just shows we only collect shit at the moment.

    • Nowhere for the cunts to live, everywhere full of illegals who cannot work. CBI Cunts Bastards Imbeciles.

    • Tony Danker – fucking wanker.

      Cunt clearly is only concerned about profits for big business. Fuck the housing crisis, fuck the energy crisis, fuck the healthcare crisis, fuck the oversubscribed schools, fuck the crowded roads, fuck the supermarkets struggling to keep up with demand, fuck the crumbling infrastructure, fuck it all as long as Tony is good.

      Tony, now do please fuck off. There’s a good chap.

  7. Here here. Good cunting

    My fucking car accelerates when I drive slowly into a car park in 2nd gear. Apparently it’s brain tells it I’m going to stall and adds more juice. And it is a Cunt

  8. A good cunting.

    Why do they put more and more electric lights and gizmos on an electric car to drain the battery quicker, when what you really want is range. You can tell an ev at night coz the rear is lit up like a fucking xmas tree! Would rather have less unnessesary fashion lights, manual windows, mirrors, etc in return for and extra 20 miles of range…..IF i was going to be that stupid and buy one.

    Mate of mine got one as a company car…does a few miles during the day, so when he gets home he normally has about ten percent charge left. Needs it fully charged in the morning which takes 12 hours on home charger… him and his family cant go out in the evenings….fucking stupid.

  9. Particularly annoying are those car ads on TV.
    As per usual the streets are empty and you always have some beautiful bird driving and no kids in the back kicking off (although of course the days its mandatory to have mixed couples)
    And the car in question always stands out from the crowd, always manages to find a parking space, is never caught up in traffic or berated by some cunt cyclists.

    Car TV ads are about as close to reality as Greta Thunderbirds is to practicing what she preaches

    • Don’t forget the ‘UK specification may vary’ bullshit. Of course it will vary, they are almost always driving left hand drive models in the ad and our steering wheels are the other side! The dumb foreign cunts. The ASA are cunts too for allowing the phrase. There is no ‘may’ about it, it WILL vary.

    • Agree..have you noticed today’s car ads are obsessed with what electronic gizmos they have to offer. Fuck all to do with how much room it’s got, boot space, handling, ride quality, etc etc.
      As long as some daft fucker knows it’s got apple play on a christmas tree lit up dashboard then he will buy it… may handle like a shopping trolley and no room for the kits, but hey- he’s got his gizmos. Cunts

  10. I have ever had a better car than my very first one – 1952 Standard Vanguard Mk 1 (an ex Admiralty staff car by coincidence) which I bought in 1963 for (I think) £125 – before I married the spouse, and Mark, my son came along. I kept it for six years and it never gave a bit of trouble – started first thing on winter mornings, built like a tank. Who could have known then that the boot would, in the 2000s onwards resemble the capacious arse of both the spouse and Emily Thornberry. I went a few years without a car after that and my next one in 1978 was a Ford Cortina – used to kid myself I was Bodie or Doyle. I gave up driving a few years ago now but nothing was fun any more – all bloody dreary Euroboxes. Those two cars had class, everything now driven by computers and fashion fads.

    If I could afford a chauffeur, I would buy the most gas guzzling bastard thing I could find to upset Thunberg and the climate pansies like Ed Miliband.

    Mark my words everyone driving round in electric cars will look as if they had come from Camberwick Green or Trumpton

    • “…my very first one – 1952 Standard Vanguard Mk 1 (an ex Admiralty staff car by coincidence)”

      ‘kin ‘ell Boggs The Vanguard, I briefly had a Phase 1 but flipped it for beautiful Ph3 in black with the windscreen peak. Built up the road in my home city, had a little brass plate on the glove box lid saying it was originally the bus company Chief Inspector’s (Blakey) staff car.
      Bobywork must have been of 1/16″ plate ’cause the bloke who welded it for me said he’d never burnt through so much gas on a car!

  11. Honda have the right idea about modern bullshit eco bollox Greta hugging trees engines.
    the new civic hybrid has a 2litre petrol engine that’s sole purpose is to charge the battery that drives the car so no charging up required. it does 50 to 60 miles per gallon and is a nippy fucker to booth,
    Anyone who buys a full electric car and lives on a street or a flat deserves everything they will get for not thinking it through, fucking stupid unless one is hooked up to a nuclear power station,” but wind power will solve everything” well buy a fucking sailing boat you milky green cunt.

  12. Had to laugh when Jeremy Cunt announced that electric cars will be subject to VED in a couple of years time.
    Did EV drivers really think they would get away with it for so long before the Treasury saw a massive drop in revenue with people moving away from petrol?

      • I was expecting road pricing to be honest.

        Mind you, the cunt has got another two years until we get a labour government.

    • Anyone else wonder what he meant until realising he was talking about road tax? Oops, sorry! The bicycle lobby don’t like us calling it road tax do they?

      • Blah blah, abolished in, bore, bore, drone blah.

        Fuck off, you pedantic, boring cunts, even the DVLA invite you to ‘Tax’ your vehicle.

    • Splendidly underrated horseless carriage.

      I trust it is finished in a shade of brown or mustard?

      I hope it has nylon seat facings and leatherette set backs/sides?

      You don’t happen to have the Vanden Plas version – the Holy Grail of Allegro motoring!

    • A company I worked for wanted me to go somewhere one day and hired an Austin Maestro. Fuck me, what a heap of shit.

    • I had the All Aggro Estate. Looked like a mini version of the old Leyland bus. The high tech in that was Hydrogas suspension, which had to get pumped up every so often

  13. My job was on the road for half a century in some years driving 50,000 miles and I so identify with this nom and all the points made, especially in DCI’s post at 7:16. My twenty year old 2.5 V6 maintained by me since purchased in 2009 is totally reliable (never failed an MOT), pulls like a a locomotive and costs me only petrol and consumables. First task when I drive a modern car is to switch off all gadgets where possible in order to make reasonable progress down the road. Once when I mentioned this to a man one-third my age he asked; “How do you drive a car with the ESP switched off?”

  14. My car has automatic lane steering, so the German cunt tries to steer you back into lane if it thinks you’ve moved without indicating.

    Great idea, nearly killed me and the occupants of another car the first time it did it expectedly

    Who’d have though a German would try to be authoritarian.

    Cunt, getting an Italian motor next time, they don’t bother with all this shit.

  15. How modern is a modern car or van?
    I thought my van was modern but that Cunt Shithead Khan said it’s not modern enough to drive in London without paying Extra money on top of the con charge

    Brum & Oxford have similar scheme’s

    • that’s the problem. I hate London and can’t wait to move away. But everywhere will eventually have this bullshit, so I can see me having to get rid of a perfectly good car. As an aside, just back from Berlin and visited the Stasi museum. If any cunt thinks that socialism is paradise and the way to live, they need to visit the museum.

    • I only like vans an pickups.

      Luxury cars, sports cars etc leave me cold.

      I like something that’s useful not flash.

      Although I was drooling over some Dodge Ram pickup near us the other day.

      Big yank fucker!
      Looked the bollocks!

      • Couldn’t agree more Mis. Two tons in weight and 400 horse power on board. Ideal for negotiating Tesco’s car park and intimidating Somali taxi drivers!

    • Lurt I’ve got an infallible and completely legal method of avoiding paying that extra tax in London, Brum, Oxford etc.

      Don’t fucking go there. They’re shit holes anyway.

  16. I like the big ‘touch screen’ in my car.

    Link it on your mobile to Android Auto and you have faultless navigation which you can actually see.
    Much better and safer than glancing at your phone all the time.

    All my music is also stored and easy to source.

    The mobile is on hands free and I can answer text and WhatsApp messages with voice recognition.
    I can also choose music and set navigation by voice.

    With a tweak you can download a player which let’s you watch films and Pornhub.

    Only when parked safely….. Obviously.

    It’s 2022.
    The technology is there and is mostly useful.

    • Point is Artful you’re talking of the toys which don’t affect actually driving the car. The other gadgets which do can be a pain in the arse, not to say fucking dangerous. Other people have already posted the problem of cars which scream at you when you are doing manoeuvres which are perfectly safe and legal. One of the worst offenders I feel is when the electronics try to take over the fucking steering. The navigation on your phone is great as far as it goes being always right up to date but as we all know sometimes the network will drop you without warning. Our younger daughter went to Leicester for the first time in her life using the phone for navigation. As she rolled down the ramp at junction 21 the network dropped her. She wound up in Sainsbury’s car park on the phone to me for assistance. A friend of mine stalled his car on an unmanned level crossing in south Worcestershire. No problem; first gear and pull clear using the starter motor. Not an option on cars where you cannot operate the starter without disengaging the clutch. Best option, jump out and run away. This is before you consider the distraction potential of all these gadgets. When I was bored one day I counted the buttons and switches in the company Astra. There were 26, most of which had three or more functions. Modern cars are great when you’re just pootling about with no time pressure but when you try to press on the whole fucking act falls apart. A car I most enjoyed driving was our elder daughter’s old MkI Ka. Don’t laugh! It had manual windows and no toys at all. On good tyres the handling made a go-kart seem sloppy and to a great extent made up for the lack of power as you didn’t need to slow down for the corners.

      Just my opinion for what it’s worth.

      • I had a mk1 KA. Absolute hoot of a car.
        You could chuck it about like a rag doll. Great fun and dirt cheap to run or fix.

      • Point taken.

        I don’t live in the UK.

        I can drive on various motorways for hours on end and not see another car.

        Navigation only drops if the USB cable is on the way out.

        I remember UK roads.
        Fucking horrendous!

  17. The OP made a good point about heater controls built into digital touch screens. What a fucking shitty design. You cannot use tactile senses to adjust heating/fan levels when on the move. Very fucking dangerous.

    I have a 2006 Rover 75 CDTi. Seems to run on air. A bit pokey at 160BHP and parts are cheap. £30 a month to insure, leather armchairs and a good looking car. 140,000 miles on the clock – just passed its MOT again, no advisories.

    • You’re being robbed Paul. Insure our 170 bhp mondeo for just over £200 including break down recovery and business use for both of us.

      (Smug smile)

      • Mondeo. What age?

        Make sure the windscreen washer pump is sound, if the pump seal fails and moisture wicks into the wiring harness it can cost thousands to fix and requires a BCM replacement.

      • It’s a MK3, 2001 Leonardo. Washers work a treat which must be a good sign I think, but thanks a lot for the info. I shall check it tomorrow in the daylight.

    • With you there Paul; can’t afford to reaquire my all time favourite, a Rover P5b Coupe (silver birch over Admiralty blue – the one to have) so I settled for ‘The Guvnah’ my R75 Connoisseur estate. full of peeled cow, 50 to the gallon, enough torque to pull a big dinghy, floats down the road and… nicked its styling cues from the P5 so… near enough.

      • Would be nice if I could hook my phone’s mp3 into the stereo CASSETTE player though, I have to use one of those dog shite devices that slot into the cassette deck and transmit through the tape head. Bag o’ shite… there’re 7 computers dotted around the car but still got a cassette???

  18. It’s a bit like the mobile phone market, isn’t it? I suppose the bells and whistles are partly designed to make the tedious business of commuting on congested roads feel like a hi-tech flight to Venus with Dan Dare?

    It’s the same with m/cs, of course. They now have to have ABS for the benefit of punters who can’t do braking, and a display on which every possible engine sensor features, but is (a) unreadable and (b) no bloody use because there’s no way you can service or repair the brute yourself. My latest mount avoids some of the worst features, but I miss cleaning the contact breaker.

    Mind you, the elaborate electronics at least ensure GREAT fuel economy, and I am on a couple of death lists for gloatingly pointing this out to cagers.

  19. i upgraded my tape cassette radio for a CD, fucking brilliant it is. i might get a set of new speakers with tweets for the back shelf but have to replace the door handle first as its hard getting out of the passenger door all the time, i love old cars, i do

  20. I had an old Volvo estate, like a fucking tank.
    This was in the 70’s, when they were made of steel and not cooking foil.
    We had a really bad freeze, thick ice for weeks on the roads, pavements etc. I think the got the Army in, eventually to clear in.
    Anyway, this car would drive anywhere. I could have driven it over Snake, up Kinder. It didn’t hesitate. Made of steel and with balls to match!

  21. Following on from my Volvo reveries, and on the subject of appalling driving skills, has anyone noticed, that lately, your just as likely to be cut up, overtaken etc, etc by some fucking tart with her hair up in a Woodie face lift and 3 unsecured brats eating KFC in the back, as a hood rat playing drill at earth shaking volumes?
    Also, on frosty mornings clear your fucking windows, all of them, not just a pillarbox slot, unless you’re Muz, and the car is your Hijab.

  22. I’ve got a 57 plate Focus Ghia. Totally reliable, nice clear dials, easy to use switches etc and no unnecessary crap involved. Had it for nearly ten years and will drive it until it falls apart.

      • So, what will happen when the sale of new petrol and diesel cars is banned in the UK in 8 years time. I predict two things: businesses will grow up specialising in keeping old cars running and, for a short time, there will be a trend of importing nearly new petrol cars from places like China. Either way new cars will pretty much be a thing of the past.

        Rejoice, 8 years to Nirvana 🙂

    • Hold onto what ever car you have, would be my advice to most as long as you keep it serviced, i drive a 23 year old soft roader and still passes all the shitbox tests annually.
      This new shit is way to reliant on cheap electronics and metal saving fuckology that will fuck up sooner rather than later,
      but i do like the new honda civic 2022 for all sorts of reasons but alas way too expensive for what it is.

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